Month: September 2015

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Meeting Jesus’s Dad

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.  

Every week Gregory attends Sunday School and every week he comes home and retells his own version of the lesson he learned.

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about the day Jesus brought his three favorite disciples to meet his Dad. Let’s listen in as Gregory retells the story.

GregoryMeeting Jesus’s Dad

One day Jesus decided to take his three best friends, Peter, James and John up on a high mountain alone.   The bible doesn’t say how the other nine disciples felt about their not being invited and biblical scholars can only speculate that Peter, James and John came home to find their robes all tied together.

Anyway, once they all got up to the top of the mountain, the disciples watched while Jesus prayed.  The more Jesus prayed, the sleepier the disciples got.  Before you know it, the disciples were out like unattended oil lamps!

When the disciples opened their eyes,  Jesus had changed into his heavenly civvies which the disciples described as being as bright as the sun.

But that’s not all!  The disciples saw that there were now two men with Jesus.  One was Moses and the other one was Elijah.  The disciples knew who these two men were because most biblical scholars agree they were wearing name tags.

Peter piped up immediately and said he would like to build them all some tents.  One for Jesus, one for Moses, one for Elijah and one for the little boy who lived down the lane (Peter was a kidder).

Anyway just as Peter was going on and on about tents, he was interrupted by what looked like a shiny cloud, but was actually Jesus’s Dad, God.  God said:

“This is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased; hear him.” 

When the disciples heard God’s voice the disciples all screamed and threw themselves face down on the ground.

After awhile, Jesus came and touched them and told them not to be afraid and when the disciples looked up the two men were gone and there was no sign of the shiny cloud.

As they came down the mountain Jesus asked the disciples not to tell anybody what they saw until the Son of Man had been raised from death.  The disciples pretended to know what Jesus was talking about even though they had no idea what Jesus was talking about.  (When asked about this later, the disciples insisted they did  keep the story a secret and had absolutely no idea how it had gotten in the bible!)

When they got back home sure enough Peter, John and James had their robes all tied together.

But Jesus’s stuff was just as he had left it.

“Fellas I’d like you to meet Noah and Elijah.”
“No I’m Noah!”
“Oh sorry, you guys look just alike!”

And there you have it, Dear Readers. What Gregory learned in Sunday school. Please check back next week to find out what Gregory learns next.

Until next time . . . I love you

50 Billion Planets and I Can’t Find My Telescope!

Linda Vernon Baby Eating and Whatnot, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Daily Mail Online

The Daily Mail Online is a UK newspaper, and I love the way they say things:  Like today for instance.  There was a story about how Gwyneth Paltrow (in whom the UK is extremely interested) looks so slender and fit in her bikini, that she is the reason females all over the world are “weeping into their Snack a Jacks.”

People in the UK Say Things Differently

And did you know people in the UK don’t thumb through the paper; they “flick” through it? In the UK, a saggy butt is a “squishy bum” and English people never come over, they “pop over” instead.  But we would expect no less from the nation who brought us nursery rhymes.  Which is why I get all my news now from the Daily Mail Online.

Planets Galore

Today I read in the DM’s Science and Technology Section that scientists have estimated the number of planets in the Milky Way to be 50 billion. The jury is still out on how many in Snickers. (I’ve decided to finally use that Make a Lame Joke Get Out of Jail Free card I’ve been carrying around for years.)

Anyway, at the risk of coming off as flippant, I must respond to this 50 billion planet revelation with a resounding duh.

Heelllooo!  Internet to Scientists! 

Have you not noticed there is a little thing out there that Al Gore invented called the internet?  Do you not know that there are 50 billion websites dedicated to nothing but UFO’s, aliens and all things outer space-ishly freakish?

Perhaps I should type the rest of this post in baby talk for “certain people in our society who don’t get all their science information from UFO websites” but I’ll give them the benefit of the goo goo da da doubt.

First of all, anybody worth their weight in bandwidth knows that the queen of England is a Reptilian. 

 

As proof, here she is resisting the urge to lap up a fly with her tongue
Reptilianism

You see, my dear Scientific Community, Reptilians are blood-drinking, shape-shifting reptilian humanoids from Alpha Draconic star system now hiding in underground bases in Hollow Earth and are doing mean things to people.

Obviously you woefully uninformed scientists need to read the writing on the crop circles.

Why do you men and women of science insist on always figuring out things the hard way?  You know, like reading things and writing things down, and crunching numbers and fooling around with test tubes and looking through telescopes and whatnot.

As the crop circle suggests get with it Dawgs! 

By the time you figure something out you’ll be dead.  Skip to the chase Dawgs and Dawgettes, get to the bottom line, or, as you UK scientists are fond of saying, the squishy bum!  We haven’t got time as The Race of Numbered Days to be monkeying around trying to figure things out the slow way.  Let’s just go with the hearsay and be done with it.

Stay with Me Here

Which means that everything we thought was true is false and everything we thought was false is true.  Stay with me here because I’m getting confused and I’m hoping you’ll be able to explain it to me later.

So Let’s Recap

The earth is a hollow ball located in the cosmos of Milky Way galaxy which may or may not be filled with a creamy nugget center but, either way, has reptile people writhing around inside of it taking turns pretending to be the queen of England. Oh, and there’s 50 billion more where that came from!

It’s enough to make you weep into your Snack a Jacks!

 

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Boating Bread-less With Jesus

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine , , , , , , , ,

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about the day the disciples forgot to bring the bread when they crossed the lake with Jesus. Let’s listen in as Gregory retells the lesson.

GregoryBoating Bread-less With Jesus

Back in the time of Jesus, before sandwiches were invented, everybody was just crazy about bread.  Eating bread back then was as popular as eating Chicken McNuggets is today.  Only in those days, there was no such thing as dipping sauce or condiments so everyone just had to take big dry bites right out of the loaf.

Whenever there was a potluck at the temple, everybody just brought bread or bread salad.  Sometimes John the Baptist would show up with his specialty, bread smeared with honey and locusts.  But nobody ever took any unless he was standing right there watching them.  Then they would politely take a small piece and carefully nibble on only the parts of bread that didn’t have any honey and locusts touching it.

A few people would bring baskets of fish or fishes as they called fish in those days.  People would reach into the basket of fishes and scoop up a handful and eat them like we would eat a handful of mixed nuts today. People loved eating fishes whole almost as much as they loved taking big dry bites right out of the loaf.

Sometimes at these potlucks, some Pharisees and some Sadducees would show up.  These were two biblical gangs who roamed the Holy Land on their Harleys. (Part of the gang initiation was you had to change the name of your donkey to Harley.)

One day Jesus and his disciples were crossing to the other side of the lake (crossing the lake was one of the biggest past times in biblical days) where some Pharisees and Sadducees were hanging out on their Harleys, when the disciples made an unhappy discovery.

Matthew:  John.  Where’s the bread?

John:  What bread?

Matthew:  You were supposed to bring the bread with.

John:  Nuh uh.  Mark said he was going to bring the bread.

Mark:  No.  I said I was bringing the fishes.

Luke:  I’ll take some fishes.  I’m starving.

Mark:  I already ate them all.

Luke:  Pig!

Mark:  Sorry I ate the pig too.

When Jesus found out the disciples forgot the bread he said:

“Take care: be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees.

The disciples discussed this statement among themselves:

 Mark:  Jesus is saying this because we didn’t bring any bread.

Luke:  I’m so hungry I’d even eat a honey and locust sandwich.

Matthew:  John, I could have sworn I specifically told you to bring the bread . . .

Then Jesus said:

“Why are you discussing among yourselves about not having any bread?”

Some biblical scholars say Jesus wanted to add, “Hello!  Disciples!  Why are you talking about me like I’m not standing right here.” but concluded Jesus didn’t say that because He would have been way too polite.

Then Jesus said:

“Don’t you remember when I broke the five loaves for the five thousand men? How many baskets did you fill?

John:  Uh . . . I forgot my abacus at home, sorry . . .

Jesus:  And what about the seven loaves for the four thousand men?  How many baskets did you fill?

John:  Uh . . . let’s see . . . it’s on the tip of my tongue . . .

Jesus:  How about you, Mark, you have your hand up.  Do you know?

Mark:  No I was just scratching my head.

Jesus:  How is it that you don’t understand that I was not talking to you about bread?

Luke:  Uh . . . because we’re not real bright?

Jesus:  Guard yourselves from the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees!

Then the disciples realized that Jesus wasn’t talking about actual yeast but was warning them about the teachings of the Pharisees and the Sadducees.

And the twelve stomaches of the twelve disciples growled all the way home.

Jesus crossing the lake

 

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Tower of abel-Bay

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine , , , , , , , ,

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about how all of Noah’s descendants got together to build the Tower of Babel, and he couldn’t help imagining how that might have happened.

GregoryThe Tower of abel-Bay

Even though Noah lived to be 950 years old, he never topped the time he saved the animal kingdom and mankind from extinction.  Still, he kept busy puttering in his vineyard and joking with his sons about how many grandkids it would take to put oil in a lamp.

After awhile though, there were so many kids being born that parents quickly ran out of the easy to pronounce names, like Gomer, and had to resort to giving them names that were so hard to pronounce everybody just called everybody else “hey you in the robe.”

Then they all wandered around together veering east, until they came to a  really nice valley in the land of Shi’nar so they decided to build a city there and call it Babylon in lieu of Shi’nar — thus circumventing thousands of years of annoying apostrophe placement questions in one simple decision.

Hey you in the robe #1:  Hey everybody!  Doesn’t this look like a really nice place to build a city?  Let’s name it Babylon.

Hey you in the robe #2:  Why Babylon?

Hey you in the robe #1:  Because we’re all more or less a baby of Noah.

Hey you in the robe #2:  Okay that explains the baby — but why the lon?

Hey you in the robe #1:  Lon means city.

Hey you in the robe #2:  No it doesn’t!

Hey you in the robe #1:  What are you, an attorney?

Hey you in the robe #2:   I’m a linguist.

Hey you in the robe #1:  How’s business?

Hey you in the robe #2:   Pretty slow what with everyone speaking the same language using the same words and whatnot.

Hey you in the robe #1:  Dude, you’re complicating my buzz!

Hey you in the robe #2:  Come again?

And thus it was decided to build a city and call it Babylon, and it was also decided to build a tower with its “top in the heavens” so that they could make a name for themselves by replacing the banner that said “If you lived here you’d be home now!” with whatever their names were.

Hey you in the robe #1:  What do you want to build the city out of?

Hey you in the robe #2:  Let’s make bricks and stick them together with tar!  What’s wrong, you look disappointed?

Hey you in the robe #1:  I was kind of hoping we’d use Legos.

Hey you in the robe #2:  Come again?

Tissot_Building_the_Tower_of_Babel
“Do you still want the Legos?”
“Nah, we have to use bricks.”
“Says who?”
“Hey you in the robe.”
“That guy bugs me.”

After the city and the tower were built, the Lord came down for a site inspection.

Hey you in the robe #1:  Well how do you like it, Lord?

But the lord only answered by saying out loud to himself and his new heavenly companions that he met on Faceofgodbook, “This is just the beginning of what they will do, soon they will be able to do anything they want!  Let us go down and mix up the languages so that they will not understand each other.”

Hey you in the robe #1:  Hey you in the robe #2, what did the Lord mean when he said that?

Hey you in the robe #2:  Icksnay on the Owertay!

Hey you in the robe #1:  Come again?

Hey you in the robe #2:  Lord no likee.  We’re all being ansferredtray.

Hey you in the robe #1:  Where toski?

Hey you in the robe #2: evelandclay.

Hey you in the robe #1:  Oway itshay!

Hey you in the robe #1:  You can say that againski!

And there you have it, Dear Readers, how Gregory imagined what really happened at the Tower of Babel. Be sure to check back next Sunday to see what Gregory learns in Sunday School!

Until next time . . . I love you

Tower of Babel

Things That Got Flushed That Hadn’t Oughta

Quote Linda Vernon The Daily Routine , , , , , , ,

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Retrospectively Funny.”

Welcome Dear Readers.  The Daily Post’s writing prompt inspired me to dig up this old post I wrote about something that wasn’t funny at the time . . .

Toilet with flowers Linda Vernon Humor

I don’t mean to brag, but I have been using “the facilities” on my own now for over fifty years, and I know, firsthand, some crazy things that got flushed that hadn’t oughta.

Once, when I was four, my mother bought a batch of the most beautiful red apples you ever saw and displayed them on the table.  I asked for one, and my mother gave it to me.

I was an apple lover from the get go!

I took one bite and spit it out.

That’s because this apple was a deceitful type of apple, the kind that looks like it’s going to be delicious but, instead, tastes like dry, sandy-mush.

A couple of days later, I must have forgotten how horrible the apple tasted because I asked my mother for another one.  And she agreed, but only if I promised I wouldn’t take just one bite and spit it out. Who me?  Heavens no! Mother! Please! Don’t be ridiculous! She handed me an apple.

I took one bite and spit it out.

Even Eve didn’t have so much trouble with an apple.

Later in the week, I happened to walk by the beautiful red apples that were still sitting on the table (now we know why) and asked for another one. My mother wisely said no because there wasn’t any questions in her mind, by now, what I was going to do.

Well for some reason, I was set on it.  I began begging dramatically.  “Please Mother! Please!  I won’t spit it out! For the love of God,  I beg of you! I must have an apple if I am ever going to thrive!”

My mother acquiesced, handed me yet another apple along with a stern warning that she better not find this one in the garbage with one bite out of it

I took one bite and spit it out.

Ok, now I had a big problem on my hands.  Where to dispose of a big, beautiful red, sandy-mushy apple with one bite out of it.  I had to think, think! And quickly before my mother discovered the truth!

I made an emergency executive decision to flush it. So I went into the bathroom, looked both ways, threw the apple with one bite out of it into the toilet and pushed down the handle.

I was amazed when it actually went down!  Fabulous!  I dusted off my four-year-old hands and resumed playing.

Later that day I happened to walk by the bathroom just as my father was lifting the entire toilet, itself, off the floor.  I was flabbergasted!  I had no idea it would “do that!”

I still hadn’t put two and two together until I saw him reach his hand down the pipe and pull out a big beautiful red apple with one bite out of it.

Uh oh . . .

Shame quickly set it.  I couldn’t have felt worse if I would have gunned down Santa. But that’s another story for another day.

Suffice it to say, I’ve been privy to lots of things that got flushed that hadn’t outta — but it all started with that beautiful red apple with one bit out of it.

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Day God Decided to Destroy Mankind but Had Lunch Instead

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every week Gregory attends Sunday School and every week he comes home and retells his own version of the lesson.

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned how God decided to destroy all living things on earth . . . again — that is until he got sidetracked.  Let’s listen in, shall we?

The Day God Decided to Destroy Mankind but Had Lunch Instead

At one point, deep inside the bible, the Lord was getting jealouser and jealouser because he was losing a lot of his worshipers to other gods.  Some worshipers were totally into worshiping a god named Baal (Baaleibers). While others camped out on the roof all day worshiping the sun (and getting a heck of a tan in the process) while still others were putting their prayer hands together for an obscure god named Milcom.

It just so happens that during this period of turmoil, the prophet, Zephaniah, was God’s go-to prophet.  One day while Zephaniah was busy staring at his goat, the Lord spoke:

The Lord:  Zephaniah!   I am going to destroy everything on earth, all human beings and animals, birds and fish and I will bring about the downfall of the wicked.  I will destroy all mankind and no survivors will be left, I, the Lord, have spoken, Zephaniah!  Are you listening?

Zephaniah:  Yeah sure.  I’m listening.

The Lord:  Then take your eyes off your goat and look at Me!

Zephaniah:  I would but I can’t see You,  I can only hear You.

The Lord:  Well at least have the courtesy of looking in the direction you think My voice is coming from.

Zephaniah:  But it’s coming from inside my head.

The Lord:  In that case go ahead and stare at your goat.

Zephaniah:  Thanks!

The Lord:  Now where was I?

Zephaniah:  You were saying how you were going to destroy everyone and everything on earth.

The Lord:  Ah yes . . .

Zephaniah:  So what are you going to do create another flood or something?

The Lord:  No, that would make Me miss Noah too much.  I don’t usually play favorites, but if Noah were here now I’d give him such an Almighty Noogie.

Zephaniah: Where is Noah now?

The Lord:  Who knows?

Zephaniah:  You mean he’s not in heaven?

The Lord:  Ha ha ha! Just messin’ with your head, kid. You’ll get used to it the way Moses did.  Remind me to tell you about the time I tried to kill Moses back in Exodus 4:24-26.

Zephaniah:  But why?

The Lord:  I don’t remember.  I think maybe I had low-blood sugar or something. But don’t worry, I”m not going to try to kill you, Zephaniah . . . much . . . Ha ha ha!

Zephaniah:  You’re kidding, right?

The Lord:  Sort of.

Zephaniah:  So what did you want me to tell the people?  That you are going to destroy the world?

The Lord: Basically I’m going to punish everyone who worships the wrong god,  it will be a day of fury, a day of trouble and distress. But I will spare all the humble and lowly people and at the end of their ordeal and they will sing “A Song of Joy” that tries to rhyme “Israel” with “Jerusalem” but nobody will object because they are too humble and lowly.

Zephaniah:  Sounds good. Can I go now?

The Lord:  No. I have a lot more describing to do about how I’m going to punish and destroy and slaughter evil people for being so evil, but I’m getting hungry for lunch.

Zephaniah:  I need to go to the market, but I’ll see if I can scrounge up something up for You.

The Lord:  Okay don’t go to too much trouble. I’m not picky.  You can just throw a quart of olive oil and some unleavened bread on the alter,  and maybe a ram or two . . . Do you have any donkey radish?

Zephaniah:  No sorry.

The Lord:  How about just a donkey then?

Zephaniah:  Fresh out of donkeys.  Let’s see here . . . hmm . . . looks like I only have four pigeons left . . .

The Lord:  Great I’ll have those.

Zephaniah:  Okay . . . oops . . .  nevermind . . . they’re  molt-y.

The Lord:  Okay just give me that goat your staring at.

Zephaniah:  But if I give you the goat I’m staring at what will I stare at?

The Lord:  Did I ever tell you about the time I tried to kill Moses?

Zephaniah:  One goat comin’ right up!

And there you have it, Dear Readers, the day God was going to destroy the world, but luckily got sidetracked! Check back every Sunday to find out what new story Gregory will learn in Sunday school.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Baal Baby Sacrificingt
“Thanks, but if you don’t have any donkey radish to go with, forget it.”

 

when bad things happen to good moses's