Ezekiel’s Weight Problem

July 26, 2015 Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, The Daily Routine comedy, comedy bible story, Ezekiel hates scropions, Ezekiel's vision, humor, humorous bible story, humour, people of Israel won't listen to god, scroll with moans and groans, Why Ezekiel at the Scroll

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about the day Ezekiel had an unusual experience. Let’s listen in as he recounts the story for us.

Ezekiel’s Weight Problem

One day the prophet Ezekiel was relaxing down by the Chebar river in Babylonia where he was hanging out with some of his exiled Jewish buddies enjoying some Chebar cheese when, suddenly, there was a tremendous rumble.

At first he thought it was just his stomach rumbling from eating too much Chebar cheese, but he soon realized the noise was coming from the sky.

He looked up and was amazed to see a UFBO (unidentified flying biblical object).

He fell face down and heard a voice calling him.

God: Mortal Man stand up I want to talk to you.

Ezekiel: Do I have to get up? I’m really comfortable right now.

God: I am sending you to the people of Israel.

Ezekiel: May I ask why?

God: They have rebelled against me and turned against me and are still rebels just as their ancestors were. So I am sending you to tell them what I, the sovereign lord, am saying to them.

Ezekiel: Wouldn’t it be easier to just fly over there in your UFBO and tell them Yourself?

God: They are stubborn and do not respect me so I am sending you instead.

Ezekiel: Okay let me get this straight. You, the sovereign lord, who is flying around the holy land in Your UFBO can’t get the Israelites to listen to you or respect you so you’re sending me instead, a guy who is currently unemployed, slightly overweight and living down by the river? Do you really think I’m up to the job?

God: Just tell the people of Israel whatever I tell you to tell them. But don’t be afraid of them even though they will despise you and even though it will feel like you are living among scorpions.

Ezekiel: Well okay, but scorpions are my least favorite insect.

God: Scorpions really? That’s refreshing. Most people say spiders. Anyway, open your mouth and eat this.

Ezekiel: What is it?

God: A scroll upon which cries of grief, wails and moans are written on both sides.

Ezekiel: No thanks I’m allergic to papyrus.

God: It’s chocolate covered . . . .

Ezekiel: Oh in that case, don’t mind if I do!

Ezekiel ate the scroll. (It gave him hives but God pretended not to notice.) Then God’s spirit lifted Ezekiel and carried him to another spot by the Chebar River where Ezekiel resumed eating Chebar cheese and hanging out with different group of his exiled Jewish buddies.

Seven days later God showed up again

God: Okay, here’s the deal. If I announce that an evil man is going to die, it’s going to be your job to warn him. If you don’t warn him to change his ways and he dies a sinner, I will hold you responsible for his death but if you do warn him and he doesn’t stop sinning he’ll die a sinner but your life will be spared. Got that?

Ezekiel: Uh . . .well . . . uh . . .

God: Now get up and go into the valley and I will talk to you there.

Ezekiel: But I just got comfortable.

God: . . . ahem . . .

Ezekiel : Okay okay but can I at least bring my Chebar cheese with?

God: If you must.

Ezekiel: Say you wouldn’t happen to have anymore of those delicious chocolate-covered scrolls would you?

God: Yes but you can’t have any.

Ezekiel: Why?

God: They’re too fattening.

Ezekiel: What are you implying? I’ve been eating too much Chebar Cheese?

God: All I can say is that last statement of yours needs no question mark.

Eziekiel: Well! I’ve never been so insulted in my whole life!

God: That robe of yours is getting awfully tight . . . just sayin’. So anyway, next I’m going to want you to go home and shut yourself up in the house and I’ll tie you up with ropes so you won’t be able to go out in public then I’m going to paralyze your tongue.

Eziekiel: Wait . . . is this some sort of new-fangled diet?

God: I’ll tell you next week in Part II.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School. Please check back next week to find out what God asks of Ezekiel next and whether or not Ezekiel will lose weight and overcome his papyrus allergy.

Until next time . . . I love you

Ezekiel's_vision — What? You want me to eat that? Well, I’d much prefer some Chebar cheese.

**Uh. . . no offense, but that chocolate kinda looks like water stains.**

Getting Giddy Easy

July 24, 2015July 24, 2015 Linda Vernon The Daily Routine ATT U-verse, baby boomer junk mail, Connect Hearing, getting giddy easy, hearing loss the lighter side, high speed internet humor, humor, humorous, humour, National Organization of Professional women, Xfinity

Welcome Dear Readers! I’m practically giddy. I can’t wait to show you all the offers that came in my mailbox yesterday for little ol’ moi! (I get giddy easy.)

Let’s start with this offer from Xfinity, shall we?

Okay, nice try to get me on board with your finity, Xfinity.

I noticed you are now calling yourself “the future of awesome” I’m sorry but I kinda don’t think you are.

Hey, I wasn’t going to say anything but you started it by sending me your offer to let me sign up for 2-year contract wherein you will be giving me a ton of channels that I’m never going to watch for $89 for the first year without mentioning how much you are going to raise that price in the second year.

Oh, wait, I see that in order to make your offer less lame, you are also offering to make my internet faster. But it’s already so fast that if I click on something it appears right away. Does it really need to be faster than that? I’m just asking Xfinity. (Can I call you X?)

X! Listen to reason! Wouldn’t that be like paying the power company extra if I want my light bulb to light up faster than the speed of light?

Well you just take your time to answer, X. It must be a heavy burden being the future of awesome. Just keep repeating to yourself “I am the future of awesome” until it finally makes sense. You can do it X. I have faith in you. (If you need me I’ll be on the phone with my power company negotiating my commission for a little idea I want to pitch to them . . .)

Okay, Hearing Aid Company, you don’t have to get all shouty. You’re not even sure if I’m deaf yet. I know you’re hoping I am, but calm down!

Okay this ~~sounds~~ seems like a pretty good deal. They’re saying you get to try their hearing aid for three whole weeks to see if it works. But shouldn’t you be able to tell in, say, three minutes? I guess they are hoping that even if you can’t hear any better, if you wear the thing for three whole weeks you’ll become so attached to it, kind of like your favorite teddy bear (only one you stuff in your ears) you’ll be compelled to buy it.

A word of caution however. The small print says: certain types of hearing loss may require a hearing aid model that is not appropriate for the three-week free trial.

They must mean certain types of hearing loss that occur when you have potatoes growing out of your ears, I suppose, or maybe certain types of hearing loss that occur when you can’t hear anything because your ears are being plugged by hearing aids.

Okay here’s something that’s just downright disturbing!

A% & % U-Verse High Speed Internet — Eerie junk mail stalking

Do you see where some weirdo junk mail stalker has written “Wow great idea!” “This could really save money!” and “Why wait? I’m calling today?” Oh yeah? Well butt out weirdo junk mail stalker! This junk mail is for ME. Get your own junk mail!

Hey Lookee! I am now a professional woman! FINALLY!

Okay, maybe I’m jumping the gun a little. I’m not a professional woman quite yet. But my membership as a professional woman has been approved! Yup. I’m gonna network, I’m gonna learn, I’m gonna save. Now all I have to do is make some powerful connections, build my personal brand and sit back and watch the money roll in!

I’m gonna be rich, Baby!

I knew it would all happen for me some day. I never gave up hope that my status as a woman would someday reach the level of professional. After all, I’ve got 10,000 hour thing covered and them some! It was only a matter of time before National Association of Professional Woman came a knockin’. I’m getting giddy just thinking about it! (Did I mention I get giddy easy?)

Until next time . . . I love you

For Your Coloring Pleasure: Current Events Coloring Pages

July 22, 2015July 23, 2015 Linda Vernon Coloring Pages, The Daily Routine Ancient Greeks believed in Zombies, bizarre coloring pages, Chimps hands are more evolved than human hands, chimps knitting, Chinese monitor chickens for signs of impending earthquakes, humor, humorous coloring pages, humour, Man eats bowl of cement, Obscure headlines

Hello and Welcome Dear Readers! Today seems like a real good day for some current events coloring pages (gleaned from today’s obscure headlines) for your coloring pleasure! So get out your color crayons everybody and let’s get started, shall we?

Obscure Headline # 1:

Contrary to Popular Belief, Human Hands Are Not as Evolved as Chimpanzee Hands

Kurtis Hiatt from The George Washington University, tells us that from a purely evolutionary perspective, our hands represent a much more primitive anatomical structure when compared to the hands of chimpanzees.

Apparently our hands have changed very little from that of our last common ancestor while chimpanzees have evolved significantly.

A finding which would finally explain why chimps are much better at knitting than humans are.

The More Significantly Evolved Chimpanzee Hand Coloring Page

Obscure Headline #2:

Zoo Animals Monitored for Earthquake Clues

A popular zoo in China has become the focus of an unusual new earthquake prediction experiment.

It has long been thought that animals can predict earthquakes by sensing subtle changes in air pressure and other indicators, and now a group of researchers in China have decided to put the idea to the ultimate test by monitoring the behavior of 200 pigs and 2,000 chickens.

Whether or not any conclusive results will come from these observations remains to be seen.

The Chinese Researchers Monitoring Chickens to See if They May Be Sensing an Earthquake Coloring Page

Obscure Headline #3

Ancient Greeks Took Steps to Deter Zombies

The concept of the dead rising from their graves is certainly not unique to today.

In a cemetery near the coastal town of Kamarina in southeastern Sicily, archaeologists discovered bodies that the ancient Greeks had deliberately pinned down using heavy objects to ensure that would never rise from the dead.

Tablets transcribed with spells and curses were also found at the graves.

The Ancient Greeks’ Conclusion that Zombies Are Real Coloring Page

Obscure Headline #4

A Drunk Man in China Hospitalized After Mistaking a Bowl of Liquid Concrete for a Bowl of Sesame Paste.

A resident of Nanjing in China’s Jiangsu province made headlines this week after he managed to eat a substantial quantity of newly mixed concrete after deciding the contents were edible.

Doctors pumped his stomach and were amazed that he survived due to the fact that the concrete had set while it was in his stomach.

Despite his ordeal, however, the man is expected to make a full recovery.

The Man Who Ate A Bowl Of Wet Cement He Thought Was Sesame Paste Coloring Page

And there you have it Dear Readers. Hopefully these coloring pages will keep you busy for a while.

Until next time, I love you

Fifties Fun with Radioactive Isotopes!

July 16, 2015July 17, 2015 Linda Vernon 1950's 1950 radioactive isotopes, 1957 Heinz Ketchup 57 Prize Winning Recipes, fun with radioactive isotopes, funny cookbooks from 1957, Funny Father, hands fused to bottles, humor, humorous cookbook people, humorous vintage cookbooks, humour, Milton Berle, Uncle Milty

Dear Readers! I went to the thrift store yesterday. I was lucky enough to find this Heinz Ketchup cookbook from 1957!

Heinz Ketchup 47 Price Winning Recipes — **You see, back in 1957, before life was unnecessarily complicated with Twitter, Facebook and the radio alarm clock, people would stay home and cook dishes that required a lot of Heinz Ketchup.**

Let’s take a peek at some of these 1957 Heinz Ketchup prize winning recipes and see if we can get a glimpse into the food lives of people from the past:

Heinz Ketchup 1957 — **It’s Red Magic! Hey wait a minute! In 1957, during the height of the cold war against communism, it seems a little odd that Heinz Ketchup would bill their product by saying “It’s Red Magic.”**

And the fact that Mother seems to be flirting with a gigantic tomato man wearing a manacle isn’t helping Heinz Ketchup’s credibility either . . . oh well let’s just keep moving.

Heinz Ketchup recipies from 1957 — **Okay, here we have Mother cooking with what looks like a radio-active bottle of Heinz Ketchup. But there’s probably a simple explanation.**

Mother’s husband, Father, is probably a Nuclear Physicist who sometimes brings home radioactive isotopes from the office to put in the Ketchup bottle to freak Mother out! That Father! Always with the pranks! (Too bad Mother didn’t even notice!)

**The only explanation for what Mother is doing here is that Father told Mother to take a long walk on a short pier.**

Ha! That Father! He’s always doing silly stuff like that to Mother. Of course,while Mother was taking a long walk off a short pier, she decided it might be fun to try a little fishing. But what to use for bait? Hm . . .

Of course, as you can see while Mother was trying to decide what to do next, the radioactive isotope Heinz Ketchup bottle fused permanently to Mother’s hand. Father. Could. Not. Stop. Laughing.

**Here are Mother and Father’s children, Boy and Girl. They are eating minced ham and bean sandwiches that Father made for them.**

Oh that wacky Father! He made both Boy and Girl these Ketchup bean sandwiches and is now hiding behind the Admiral Frigidaire spying on them as they try to eat their radioactive isotope Ketchup bean sandwiches.

Right about now Father is probably thinking about how he should see if Milton Berle needs any more comedy writers!

Hey who’s this? Why it’s New Mother, of course. (Old Mother had a drowning accident when she was unable to paddle to safety after falling off a short pier due to the Ketchup bottle being fused to her hand.)

But that’s okay because Father found and married New Mother later that day! And New Mother has just cooked Father a tasty dish of Green Beans with Ketchup!

Little does New Mother know that Father has just stuck two radioactive isotopes into the casserole dish she’s holding and Father can’t wait to see the look on New Mother’s face when she tries to set the dish down but finds that it’s fused to her hands!

Unfortunately Father didn’t get to see the look on New Mother’s face because just then the phone rang and Father ran to answer it because — who knows — it might have been that all important call from Uncle Milty!