Welcome Dear Readers! I’m practically giddy. I can’t wait to show you all the offers that came in my mailbox yesterday for little ol’ moi! (I get giddy easy.)
Let’s start with this offer from Xfinity, shall we?
Okay, nice try to get me on board with your finity, Xfinity.
I noticed you are now calling yourself “the future of awesome” I’m sorry but I kinda don’t think you are.
Hey, I wasn’t going to say anything but you started it by sending me your offer to let me sign up for 2-year contract wherein you will be giving me a ton of channels that I’m never going to watch for $89 for the first year without mentioning how much you are going to raise that price in the second year.
Oh, wait, I see that in order to make your offer less lame, you are also offering to make my internet faster. But it’s already so fast that if I click on something it appears right away. Does it really need to be faster than that? I’m just asking Xfinity. (Can I call you X?)
X! Listen to reason! Wouldn’t that be like paying the power company extra if I want my light bulb to light up faster than the speed of light?
Well you just take your time to answer, X. It must be a heavy burden being the future of awesome. Just keep repeating to yourself “I am the future of awesome” until it finally makes sense. You can do it X. I have faith in you. (If you need me I’ll be on the phone with my power company negotiating my commission for a little idea I want to pitch to them . . .)
Okay, Hearing Aid Company, you don’t have to get all shouty. You’re not even sure if I’m deaf yet. I know you’re hoping I am, but calm down!
sounds seems like a pretty good deal. They’re saying you get to try their hearing aid for three whole weeks to see if it works. But shouldn’t you be able to tell in, say, three minutes? I guess they are hoping that even if you can’t hear any better, if you wear the thing for three whole weeks you’ll become so attached to it, kind of like your favorite teddy bear (only one you stuff in your ears) you’ll be compelled to buy it.
A word of caution however. The small print says: certain types of hearing loss may require a hearing aid model that is not appropriate for the three-week free trial.
They must mean certain types of hearing loss that occur when you have potatoes growing out of your ears, I suppose, or maybe certain types of hearing loss that occur when you can’t hear anything because your ears are being plugged by hearing aids.
Okay here’s something that’s just downright disturbing!
Do you see where some weirdo junk mail stalker has written “Wow great idea!” “This could really save money!” and “Why wait? I’m calling today?” Oh yeah? Well butt out weirdo junk mail stalker! This junk mail is for ME. Get your own junk mail!
Hey Lookee! I am now a professional woman! FINALLY!
Okay, maybe I’m jumping the gun a little. I’m not a professional woman quite yet. But my membership as a professional woman has been approved! Yup. I’m gonna network, I’m gonna learn, I’m gonna save. Now all I have to do is make some powerful connections, build my personal brand and sit back and watch the money roll in!
I’m gonna be rich, Baby!
I knew it would all happen for me some day. I never gave up hope that my status as a woman would someday reach the level of professional. After all, I’ve got 10,000 hour thing covered and them some! It was only a matter of time before National Association of Professional Woman came a knockin’. I’m getting giddy just thinking about it! (Did I mention I get giddy easy?)
Until next time . . . I love you