Month: September 2014

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Adam Finds Love on Rib.com

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today in Sunday school Gregory learned about what happened when Eve moved into the Garden of Eden with Adam.

Gregory's Bible StoriesAdam Finds Love on Rib.com

When God was done forming woman out of Adam’s rib, he showed her to Adam and Adam said, “At last, here is one of my own kind.”  And he was secretly relieved she looked nothing like a platypus.

Adam’s New Wife

The first thing Eve did was give Adam her very best come hither look.  After Adam hithered, she gave Adam a long list of things that needed to be done around the garden and then gave him her best go hither look and Adam went.

Adam's Awkward First Date

Enter the Snake

Then Eve decided to go for a jog to burn off some of the cheesecake fruit she had just eaten, when she came across a snake who had just consumed a bull.  In those days snakes were always full of bull.

Then the snake started talking and asked Eve if the rumor was true that God had told Adam and Eve not to eat any fruit in the garden.  At this point, Eve didn’t see a “talking snake” as a red flag.  She was a trusting sort — as people who used to be ribs often are.

Eve carefully explained to the snake that God said they could eat any fruit except for the fruit of the tree in the middle of the garden.  The snake looked at Eve and knitted his eyebrows together questioningly.   (In those days snakes not only had eyebrows; they could also knit.)

“That’s not true, you will not die,” said the snake.  “God said that because He knows that when you eat that particular fruit you will be like God and know what is good and what is bad.”

“Well, you certainly seem to know a lot about trees, Snake,” Eve said. “Say, you wouldn’t happen to know if there’s any chocolate cupcake trees around here anywhere would you?”

“As a matter of fact, yes.” The snake answered. “That’s the one in the middle of the garden.”

“Seriously?”

“Absotively!  But God said you can’t eat from it so I guess it’s a mute point,”  the snake threw out there to see if it would stick.

Then, having successfully tempted Eve, the snake slithered away like he was all that and a bag of potatoes. (This was way before potato chips.)

Eve ran over to the chocolate cupcake tree and saw how beautiful it was growing there in the middle of the garden, it’s chocolate frosting glistening in the sunlight.  So she took some of the fruit and ate it and gave some to her husband and he also ate it.

Adam and Eve and the Cupcake Tree

Adam and Eve’s Sudden Understanding

Then Adam and Eve suddenly understood five things:  1) they suddenly understood they were naked 2) they suddenly understood they were going to have to sew some fig leaves together to make some clothes 3) they suddenly understood how to use the sewing machine 4) they suddenly understood chocolate cupcake fruit would go much better with a nice ice-cold glass of milk 5) they suddenly understood it was a big mistake to have eaten the cow.

Well that’s all the time Gregory had to tell us about his lesson in Sunday school today, Dear Readers, but check back next week to find out what happens when God sees chocolate cupcake crumbs on Adam and Eve’s faces.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Overly-Creative-Writing Lady Tackles the Drip Irrigation Guidelines

Linda Vernon The Overly Creative Writer Lady , , , , , , , ,

Hello Dear Readers!  Holy Cow!  Guess who’s here again today?  It seems The Overly-Creative-Writing Lady has agreed to edit some guidelines for us.

The Overly Creative Writer Lady

The Overly Creative Writer Lady would like us to take out our Drip Irrigation Guidelines and turn to the first page!

Page 1 of our Drip Irrigation System Guidelines

Let’s see how The Overly-Creative Writing Lady edits this sentence from the Drip Irrigation Guidelines:

“These drip emitters for shrub and trees provide full or partial pressure compensation.“

The Maltese Drip Emitters

by

The Overly-Creative-Writing Lady

It was a Wednesday, wet, like Somebody Up There opened these drip emitters on a cloud that had more water in it than a dame’s eyes after finding out the Spanish shawl she just shelled out a hundred clams for went on sale, 50% off, the very next day.

The dame in question?  One Lola Richardson, a looker with a torso that, well . . . let’s just say a torso that would never be mistaken for shrubs and trees. 

Suddenly there was a knock on Lola’s door — a knock she knew better than the back of her hand which wasn’t saying much as Lola had never bothered looking at the back of her hand.

Lola ran through her tastefully decorated living room like a babbling brook seeking the mighty Missisip — past the grand piano, past the baby grand piano, past the regular piano, past the portable piano keys, past the Fisher-Price Kick and Play Piano until she reached the front door.

But should she open the door and let that bum of an ex-husband of hers Mickey Richardson, aka Mickey the Grim Reaper, aka Mickey the Infectious, aka Mickey the Mouse — if indeed it was he who was knocking — in?

Lola laid one of her voluptuous ears against the door to provide full or partial auditory discernment of the fist from whom the knocking emanated — but she was still uncertain.

So Lola put her other ear against the door, the one that was not quite as voluptuous (more like plain bordering on homely) but could actually hear. She pressed it harder and harder against the door until the pressure compensation allowed for the air-waves to finally penetrate it.

Yup.  It was Mickey Richardson alright.  So Lola opened the door and shot him until he was as dead as it gets.

Then Lola threw her Spanish shawl over his lifeless body and wept bitterly.  If only she could have gotten it for 50% off.

Lola's Spanish ShawlAnd there you have it, Dear Readers.  A word of caution — The Overly-Creative-Writing Lady is here for the duration of the week so you might want to steer clear of this blog. 

Until next time, The Overly-Creative-Writing Lady loves you

 

 

The Overly-Creative Writing Lady Tackles the Transistor Manual

Linda Vernon The Overly Creative Writer Lady , , , , , , , , ,

Dear Readers!  It’s a day to rejoice!  The Overly Creative Writer Lady — who has been away from the blog for the last couple of months on a pilgrimage to the biggest balls of aluminum foil all over the world — has hurried home so that she visit this blog.  Are we lucky or what?

The Overly Creative Writer Lady freshly returned from her Aluminum foil ball pilgrimage
The Overly Creative Writer Lady freshly returned from her Biggest Balls of Aluminum Foil Pilgrimage

Today she has agreed to discuss a piece of literature that has always been near and dear to her heart: The Transistor Manual

The Transistor Manual
The Overly Creative Writer Lady’s Beloved Transistor Manual

So come on everybody!  Let’s all take out our Transistor Manuals and turn to page 17 shall we?  And see what wonderful story The Overly Creative Writing Lady  will whip up for us using the pedestrian text thereupon:

Page 17
Page 17

The Original Copy Says:

“The converter stage of a transistor radio is a combination of a local oscillator mixer and IF amplifier.” 

And now for the Overly Creative Writer Lady’s version:

Fernando Converter Takes the Cake

by

The Overly Creative Writer Lady

The world-renowned Fernando Converter took the stage of a broken down community theater in Walla Walla Washington. His transistor radio was hidden from view in the breast pocket of his skunk-fur-lined smoking jacket his card-cheating wife, Manuala, had given him to neutralize the odor of his cigar smoke for their 50th wedding anniversary.

“The audience’s response is a combination of boos and hisses!”   Fernando Converter thought to himself for, being alone on stage, there was no one else  to think it to. “Could it be they don’t like my smoking jacket?”

During the hissing and booing Fernando reminisced.   “Perhaps, for our 50th wedding anniversary,  I should have given Manuela a diamond ring instead of a local anesthetic  when she got her tongue caught in the 12-speed oscillator mixer beaters licking off cake dough. Come to think of it she didn’t seem very happy about the oscillator mixer, either!”   Fernando postulated wildly. (Which only made the hissing and booing louder.)

And IF Fernando Converter bought an amplifier to enhance the smell of his cigar smoke now that Manuala was already mad at him,  he was pretty sure Manuala was going to kill him because she cheated at cards and, as everyone knows, it’s a slippery slope from cheating at cards to murder.

But that was a big if which is why Fernando capitalized the ‘i’ and the ‘f’  in his mind while he was thinking about it.

In the end, Manuala didn’t end up killing Fernando, but she did poke his eye out with one of the beaters, and they lived happily ever after if you don’t count all the hissing and booing and Fernando being blind in one eye for the rest of his life.

The end

And there you have it Dear Readers! We can only hope the Overly Creative Writer Lady pays us a visit again real soon but it’s also okay if she doesn’t!

Until next time . . . I love you

A Visit from The Overly-Creative Writing Lady

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine, The Overly Creative Writer Lady , , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers!   I am happy to report that the Overly-Creative Writing Lady has agreed to come by the blog everyday this week and leave us with some some of her very own, unique, overly-creative thoughts on life.  Today, she slipped this poem under the door:

When Writing A Book

by

The Overly-Creative Writing Lady

The Overly Creative Writer Lady breaks in the blog

When writing a book

By hook or by crook

It’s best to start in the middle

Then work out each day

From the middle each way

(With the concept you later can fiddle)

 

overly creative writer lady Linda Vernon Humor

Now don’t give a thought

To the pacing or plot

For those things will take care of themselves

And don’t get bogged down

With the place or the town

(Just make all your characters elves)

overly creative writer lady advice linda vernon humor

Some writers they say

An outline’s the way

To keep it all straight in your head

Well forget what you’ve heard

You can polish each word

(For the rest of your life till your dead)

Overly creative writer lady side view

 Just stick in some sorrow

Some hope for tomorrow

Make your characters lisp with a  limp

You also might try

To give one a glass eye

(On character flaws never scrimp)

Overly creative writer lady linda vernon humor

Now I suppose

It’s time for a close

From the book writing lesson herein

Just remember to try

To keep the bar high

(Perhaps as far up as your chin)

Until next time . . . The Overly-Creative Writer Lady Loves You

A Very Early Christmas Poem

Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , ,

A Very Early Christmas Poem Linda Vernon Humor

* * *

Until next time  . . . I love you

What God Did the Day After The Seventh Day

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today in Sunday school Gregory had to give a talk about what God did after creating the universe.  Let’s listen in, shall we?

Gregory's Bible StoriesWhat God did the Day After the Seventh Day

When God woke up bright and early on the eighth day after resting ad nasuem on the seventh day, He realized He had forgotten earth’s plants. He snapped his almighty fingers and said to Himself, “Doggone it!  I had to forget something!”

God also noticed that no seeds had sprouted because He had also forgotten to send any rain and there was no one to cultivate the land (or to blame his forgetfulness on).

But water would come up from beneath the surface of the ground.  So perhaps God took a little time out to congratulate Himself on having the wherewithal to install an underground sprinkling system.

Anyway, right after that, God took some soil — it was probably a little bit wet (possibly due to a broken sprinkler head) – and, without any mention of having taken any previous sculpting classes, God formed the soil into a man and breathed life-giving breath into his nostrils and the man began to live.  Which leads Biblical Scholars to conclude that even though the man was made out of dirt, he had no signs of dust allergies and wasn’t stuffy at all.

God Breath Life Into Adam Linda Vernon Humor

 

After that, God set the newly-formed man aside to give him time to “set-up” — the questions of whether or not he needed to be refrigerated during this process is what keeps Bible Scholars gainfully employed.

Then the Lord God planted a garden in Eden, in the East possibly because the neighborhood’s in West Eden were iffy in those days.  Nobody knows what the newly-formed man was doing while God was planting the garden. (Hopefully cleaning the dirt out from under his fingernails.)

Then God put the newly-formed man into the garden.

The man just sat there staring straight ahead like a newly-formed bump on a newly-formed log.  Then God made all kinds of beautiful trees grow there and produce good fruit.  In the middle of the garden stood the tree that gives life and the tree that gives knowledge of what is good and what is bad.

A stream flowed in Eden and watered the garden.  (Apparently the underground sprinkler system had already started giving God trouble.)

Then the Lord God placed the newly-formed man in the Garden of Eden to cultivate it and guard it and started to leave but He couldn’t help noticing that the man was pulling up all the flowers and watering all the weeds. God decided that since the newly-formed man had only had dirt for brains a few short hours ago, he was probably going to need to give him a tad bit more instruction.

So the Lord said to the man:  You may eat the fruit of any tree in the garden, except the tree that gives knowledge of what is good and what is bad.  You must not eat the fruit of that tree, if you do you will die the same day.  Capish?

But the newly-formed man didn’t capish.

Well, Dear Readers, that’s as far as Gregory got in his oral report this week. Please check back next week to find out what happens when God has a bone to pick with Adam.  

Until next time. . . I love you

God instructs Adam Linda Vernon Humor

Harmful Ingredients Lurking in Our Favorite Snacks

Linda Vernon My Brain, Peanuts , , , , , , ,

Hello Dear Reader!  Well it’s Wednesday.  Today my brain, Peanuts,  got a bee in its bonnet about harmful ingredients lurking in our favorite snacks after reading an article on the internet about harmful ingredients lurking in our favorite snacks.

Of course, Peanuts revised the article a little by taking out all the boring facts and replacing them with lies and fibs. And so without further adieu, let’s look at:

Harmful Ingredients Lurking in Our Favorite Snacks

BHA   BHA

This preservative is used to prevent rancidity in foods that contain oils. Unfortunately, BHA (butylated hydroxyanisole) causes . . . guess what?

Did you guess the Bubonic Plague, Dear Reader?  You did?  That’s amazing! The FDA and Peanuts are very proud of you! Give yourself a pat on the back. (But not too hard lest you start yourself coughing again.) Peanuts and the FDA say it’s probably best to stay away from BHA like the plague! Unless, of course, you enjoy having the occasional bout of Black Death in which case just tell everybody to shut up, stand back and pass the Kellogg’s Corn Flakes.

ParabensParabens

These synthetic preservatives are used to inhibit mold and yeast in food. The problem is parabens may also disrupt your body’s hormonal balance causing you to have difficulty yodeling in front of crowds of 5,000 people or more.  If your livelihood depends on your yodeling abilities, the FDA and Peanuts suggest you forgo the parabens altogether.  If, however, your yodeling is just a hobby . . .  then yodel your little odle-lay-ee-who heart out!

Partially hydro   Partially Hydrogenated Oil

Watch out for Partially Hydrogenated Oil. That’s because partially hydrogenated oil is a “trans fat” and trans fats are infamous for clogging up arteries, toilets and the works. Trans fats are different from regular fats in that if you’re standing next to someone who is eating a great big piece of cheesecake containing trans fats, all the fat will transfer from them over to you — causing you to gain five pounds.  The FDA and Peanuts recommend you stand at least 20 feet away from anyone who is eating cheesecake.

 Ice Cream   Castoreum

 Castoreum is one of the many nebulous “natural ingredients” used to flavor food. Though it isn’t harmful, it is unsettling. Castoreum is a substance made from beavers’ castor sacs, and anal scent glands. (And here you thought beavers were only good for making messy dams.)  If you get queasy easy, the FDA and Peanuts suggest you might want to forego the ice cream containing beaver castor sacs and anal scent glands and consider only eating ice cream that was made from great big gobs of green gushy gopher guts.

Funyuns

Even though Funyuns contain all of the ingredients listed above and then some, the FDA and Peanuts aren’t saying eating Funyuns will kill you, as such. Far from it. After all, everybody knows that Funyuns are the favorite snacks of world luminaries all over the world, such as Al Gore.  However, the FDA has issued a warning that ingesting Funyuns may cause Robotism or Frankenstienism in some people –mostly in people who are World Luminaries and who answer “what” when someone calls out the name “Al Gore.”

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  Next time you take a bite out of something, remember not to think about anything you just read.

Until next time . . . Peanuts and I love you (and maybe even the FDA but probably not)

Mummy Tell Me Again About Labor Day

Linda Vernon Holidays , , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers!  Well it’s Labor Day here in the United States of America!  Which means a lot of people get the day off.  Nobody knows why and nobody cares why.

Well, Dear Readers, I for one, feel that Labor Day is getting the shaft, and that’s why I have taken the liberty of writing an educational story about Labor Day to create awareness for Labor Day appreciation.

Mummy, Tell Me Again About Labor Day

“Mummy, tell me again about Labor Day,” little Tommy Sweatington begged his mother one fine Labor Day morn. “For as you know mummy,” little Tommy continued, “tis my favorite American Federal holiday of all!”

Mummy Sweatington looked up from her task of scrubbing the floors of City Hall with a toothbrush and replied, “Tommy!  How many times have I told you never to come to City Hall wearing your pajamas!”

Mummy’s harsh words made Tommy’s heart sink and push down on his kidneys in such a way as to make the tears in Tommy’s eyes shoot out at odd trajectories.  But then he remembered it was Labor Day, his favorite American Federal holiday, and his heart floated back up to its proper position and his tears reversed their trajectory and went back into his eyes.

Once his vision cleared, Tommy noticed something very strange.  His mother was working!  Mummy was working on Labor Day! 

“Mummy!” screamed Tommy, “don’t you know that in 1882 Matthew MacGuire proposed Labor Day after witnessing a labor festival held in  Toronto Canada which eventually led to the observance of my most beloved American Federal Holiday  — Labor Day?  Mummy, I implore you to tell me why you are working on Labor Day?”

At this, Tommy became agitated and then Tommy became appalled and finally Tommy became apoplectic — which didn’t last very long — because right after that Tommy went back to being appalled and then merely agitated and by the time his mother looked up to answer his question, Tommy was pretty much back to normal.

“But Tommy Dear,” Mummy Sweatington replied, “I’m not working.  Scrubbing the floors of the City Hall is my hobby, silly!”

“But Mummy!” Tommy protested.  “Why would you want to have a hobby that requires you to scrub the floors of City Hall with your toothbrush?”

“Tommy darling, you don’t understand.  I’m not using my toothbrush to scrub the floors of City Hall, I’m using your toothbrush!”

And a good Labor Day laugh was had by all!

“That Mummy’s a riot!”

***

Happy Labor Day!

Until next time . . . I love you