Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today in Sunday school Gregory had to give a talk about what God did after creating the universe. Let’s listen in, shall we?
What God did the Day After the Seventh Day
When God woke up bright and early on the eighth day after resting ad nasuem on the seventh day, He realized He had forgotten earth’s plants. He snapped his almighty fingers and said to Himself, “Doggone it! I had to forget something!”
God also noticed that no seeds had sprouted because He had also forgotten to send any rain and there was no one to cultivate the land (or to blame his forgetfulness on).
But water would come up from beneath the surface of the ground. So perhaps God took a little time out to congratulate Himself on having the wherewithal to install an underground sprinkling system.
Anyway, right after that, God took some soil — it was probably a little bit wet (possibly due to a broken sprinkler head) – and, without any mention of having taken any previous sculpting classes, God formed the soil into a man and breathed life-giving breath into his nostrils and the man began to live. Which leads Biblical Scholars to conclude that even though the man was made out of dirt, he had no signs of dust allergies and wasn’t stuffy at all.
After that, God set the newly-formed man aside to give him time to “set-up” — the questions of whether or not he needed to be refrigerated during this process is what keeps Bible Scholars gainfully employed.
Then the Lord God planted a garden in Eden, in the East possibly because the neighborhood’s in West Eden were iffy in those days. Nobody knows what the newly-formed man was doing while God was planting the garden. (Hopefully cleaning the dirt out from under his fingernails.)
Then God put the newly-formed man into the garden.
The man just sat there staring straight ahead like a newly-formed bump on a newly-formed log. Then God made all kinds of beautiful trees grow there and produce good fruit. In the middle of the garden stood the tree that gives life and the tree that gives knowledge of what is good and what is bad.
A stream flowed in Eden and watered the garden. (Apparently the underground sprinkler system had already started giving God trouble.)
Then the Lord God placed the newly-formed man in the Garden of Eden to cultivate it and guard it and started to leave but He couldn’t help noticing that the man was pulling up all the flowers and watering all the weeds. God decided that since the newly-formed man had only had dirt for brains a few short hours ago, he was probably going to need to give him a tad bit more instruction.
So the Lord said to the man: You may eat the fruit of any tree in the garden, except the tree that gives knowledge of what is good and what is bad. You must not eat the fruit of that tree, if you do you will die the same day. Capish?
But the newly-formed man didn’t capish.
Well, Dear Readers, that’s as far as Gregory got in his oral report this week. Please check back next week to find out what happens when God has a bone to pick with Adam.
Until next time. . . I love you
Linda Vernon Humor 
Hahahaha!
And to think we are all descendants of the guy who watered the weeds and pulled up the flowers in the garden of good and evil. Makes you root for the theory of evolution. At least apes knew how to use tools, not be one.
LOL! At least apes knew how to use tools, not be one! Hm. I think that would make an excellent bumper sticker!
* garden of Eden. Looks like I went to the same Sunday school as Gregory.
LOL! I wouldn’t be surprised if you really did go to school with Gregory!
A God’s work is never done is it. I thought on the eighth day he played with creation, experimented, which is why the platypus is such an intriguing creation. In a way it seems a contradiction to ban man from the tree of knowledge. Then again being God he would have known a little knowledge is dangerous.
You bring up a very good point, Michael. Why did God ban man from the Tree of Knowledge? I mean you’d think he would have at least wanted him to eat from the tree of “how to keep you room clean and how to take out the garbage”. But I suppose God knew what he was doing. I love it when God got in a “mood” and created creatures like the platypus and the giraffe. And the fact that God put that curly-cue tail on the pig, well, it just makes him Aces in my book!
Yes that is true, he gets points for creativity that’s for sure. That’s the thing about God isn’t it we want to believe he knew what he was doing. A friend once said to me that God had a great sense of humour. He said just look around and see for yourself.
Have a good evening Linda.
The first image is horrifying! I hope that’s not how it actually happened. Thank goodness they didn’t have smartphones. Worlds scariest selfie.
It is horrifying! Especially if you think of God taking that selfie while he’s blowing air into Adam’s nose! But then I think so many things in the bible are horrifying. I feel so sorry for the people who lived back then running around trying to jump through all of God’s hoops. If he didn’t want Adam and Eve to eat from the tree of Knowledge how come he planted the tree right smack dab in the middle of their garden and made sure it had low-hanging fruit? Sometimes it feels like God wanted Adam and Eve to fail.
Keep in mind, this is the same practical joker who told Abraham to murder his son Isaac to prove his love and at the last moment said, “Ha! Gotcha! JUST KIDDING.” It’s sadistic stories like that, told to me when I was just a child, that sent me running from the church as an adult.
Oh yeah that story is crazy!! Can you imagine how awkward it would have been at family dinners after that? And then there was the time God decided to kill Moses. I only read about that recently. Somehow they never told us that story in Sunday school! I guess they couldn’t figure out a way to sugar-coat it.
I hate to jump ahead (I’m bad about that), but I assume in the next installment God will make Eve so that Adam will have someone to ask directions when they go on vacation and insist that he look at instructions before trying to put Seth’s tricycle together. I can see these two getting into one calamity after another and testing poor God’s patience.
Ah Yes! I’m wallowing in the humorous possibilities! In fact I could sit here all day thinking about it but I think 37 is trying to put together my tricycle and he will need a little guidance from me. (If he can find his way home from the tricycle store without my help, that is!)
Billy Graham is frowning at you in disapproval, you know…. Small wonder, too…. Well done, milady. I always enjoy your forays into religious history, though I often think King James is rolling over in his grave…. Can’t wait to see how God explains Eve to Adam….
Ned, aka, gigoid, the dubious….
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Hi Ned! How are you? So glad you enjoyed this foray. I must say I do love writing them! I haven’t been online much lately, but I’m glad to see you’re still plugging away here! 😀
Aye, still plugging away, posting daily, but not able to surf much.. I do stay sane though, relatively speaking…. Any news on the war front with Pottery Barn?
As for religion, I think it was Thomas Paine who said, “Any religions that shocks the mind of a child can’t be true….” which sounds about right to me….
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Hope 37 is well and happy, and you as well….(are those the right digits for your hubby? It’s been a while…. Oh, and, I figured out…. that number has to refer to centimeters…. am I right?….If it is IQ points, it’s a bit tacky, & not very loving or respectful… but, 37 cm is nothing to sneeze at…I checked….)
*sly grin*
See ya, cutie….keep pokin’ at the mundanes….
Ned, aka, gigoid….
😎
I think I got the quote wrong, at least in what it says, not what it means…. I did get the author right, though…. He said, “Any system of religion that has anything in it that shocks the mind of a child, cannot be true.”
But, I meant well…. SIGH 😦