How to be a Professional Gluey Paste Salesman in Ten (or maybe eleven) Easy Steps!


Hello Dear Readers.  As you may remember earlier this week, we were discussing some ads that appeared in an 81-year-old Saturday Evening Post such as this one for Gluey Paste:

I am happy to report, that I have done some extensive research this week into the exciting, fast-paced Gluey Paste industry and needless to say did not come up empty handed.

Have you often dreamed of living the glamorous life of a Gluey Paste Professional Salesman or woman but cried yourself to sleep each night thinking it would be impossible?

Well, Dear Reader, you can now turn those tears of sorrow into tears of joy in ten (or maybe eleven) easy steps!

How to Be A Successful Gluey Paste Salesman in Ten (or maybe eleven) Easy Steps!

Step One:

As a  Gluey Paste Professional Salesman, you will begin any successful sales call by shaking the hand of the potential Gluey Paste customer and greet him by saying, “How do you do, Mr. Smith.”

Step Two

The salutation should be immediately followed by noticing a smudge on Mr. Smith’s elbow and offering to wipe it off — the act of which will quickly bond Mr. Smith to you, the Professional Gluey Paste Salesman.

Step Three:

Uh oh.  It looks like you, as the Professional Gluey Paste Salesman, might have inadvertently bonded yourself to Mr. Smith literally.

Do not be alarmed as this happens more often than not. However, it is of the utmost importance that you, as the Professional Gluey Paste Salesmen, remain calm and under no circumstances let Mr. Smith know what has just transpired.

Step Four

Assuming a nonchalant air, casually turn around so that you and potential customer, Mr. Smith, are facing in the same direction.

This might be a good time to introduce an interesting topic of conversation, such as: “How ’bout them Yankees?”  A question that will keep Mr. Smith so busy thinking, he’ll undoubtedly fail to notice that he  is glued to you, the Professional Gluey Paste Salesman.

Step Five

Next, you must inch Mr. Smith in the direction of the washroom with the eventual outcome of washing the glue off each of you.

However, in order to get Mr. Smith to cooperate fully without being the wiser,  you simply explain that as the Professional Gluey Paste Salesman, you are very interested in the equipment in the washroom to see if it correlates with the amount of glue a potential customer such as Mr. Smith is likely to purchase.

Step Six

Should you, as the Gluey Paste Professional Salesman, suddenly trip and land in the manner pictured above, calmly explain to Mr. Smith that you are practicing your moves for an audition later in the afternoon with the Flying Wallenda’s.

Mr. Smith will not only understand-; he’s very likely to be impressed with your well-rounded personality.

Step Seven

This is the most precarious time in any successful sales call for both you, the Professional Gluey Paste Salesman, and your potential customer, Mr. Smith.

While you are struggling to get things “back on track”, it is recommended that you  belt out a rousing rendition of Camp Town Racers since it has been scientifically proven that the singing of Camp Town Racer’s puts people in the mood to buy glue.

Step Eight

Once you have managed to unstick your hand from Mr. Smith’s elbow, next stick your hand onto Mr. Smith’s knee.

Step Nine

Now, of course, it is just a matter of “walking” Mr. Smith over to a chair so that he can sit down and sign the purchase agreement for upwards of 14 cases of Gluey Paste!

Step Ten

Be careful here because this is often the critical moment in which Mr. Smith is likely to get cold feet causing you to have wasted the entire morning without getting any sales commission.  Therefore you must be prepared to put some serious sales pressure on Mr. Smith.

Step Eleven: 

( Please note this step is only to be used should steps one through ten fail to produce a sale.)

If Mr. Smith still refuses to “come around” after utilizing steps one through ten, pull out the stops by pulling out your Gluey Paste Company issued Smith and Wesson revovlver.

Not only will Mr. Smith’s status be instantly upgraded from potential customer to loyal customer, you’ll be well on your way to experiencing the exciting lifestyle of a world-class Gluey Paste Professional Salesman!

Until next time . . . I love you

34 thoughts on “How to be a Professional Gluey Paste Salesman in Ten (or maybe eleven) Easy Steps!

  1. Love this Linda. It’s so YOU!

    I did want to mention that my eagle eye caught that you forgot to mention in STEP SEVEN they show the old ‘shoe-switcheroo!’ The Gluey Man’s covert confoundment tactic passed down through generations of G-men. It confounds the prospect so much that he’ll sign anything if you’ll just solve the mystery of why he is wearing two different shoes.

    Similiar to chinese water torture and the ever popular “turn your partner round and round and dosey-do” until he is too dizzy (and embarrased) to argue tactic, but decidedly more sophisticated in it’s confoundment capacity!
    In G-men circles it’s known as the classic “Shoey.”

    Hugs, Joy

    • hahaha! I did not notice that. Well the old switcheroonie certainly had me fooled! You do have the eagle eyes, Joy! I bet you never in your life bought Gluey Paste you didn’t need or want!

  2. Hahahaha! OMG! I almost fell off my chair. “…calmly explain to Mr. Smith that you are practicing your moves for an audition later in the afternoon with the Flying Wallenda’s.” You’re killing me, Linda!
    The Gluey Paste issued, Smith and Wesson revolver, so unexpected!!!
    Good stuff.

  3. My grandfather was a gluey paste salesman and if you could believe this, those old photos show him in the role of the salesman. He might take offense at your portrayal if he were here to read this blog. Granddad was an extra in a Hollywood film called “The Wrestler” too. So the scenes were right up his alley.
    An early “April Fool’s joke to you!

    Ronnie

    • Really? Isn’t that interesting! And an extra in the Wrestler! The new movie that just came out a couple of years ago? Oh I bet he had some stories to tell. And I’d be willing to be he had a lot of stick-to-itiveness when it came to his job. (Sorry, I just had to say it!) 😀

  4. I’m inclined to skip right to step 11. Maybe that’s why I suck at sales.

    This post cracked me up! Great job.

    • I know! I got the pictures from a Judo Mastery pamphlet from the 40’s. The thing that made it so perfect for my purposes was that they are wearing street clothes. If they would have been wearing Judo attire, it would have told different story. (a much more boring one!)

  5. I am seriously laughing out loud at my desk right now looking at all those weird pictures and your descriptions!! I think this is my new favorite post!

  6. Really? That makes me feel so good, I don’t even care anymore that the people at the Brentwood Target aren’t bringing back their carts or that Lucy almost knocked little Ricky over backwards!

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