Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how Samson entertained the Philistines.
Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.
One fine shiny biblical morn, a group of Philistine kings along with 3,000 other Philistine party-goers met to celebrate and offer a sacrifice to their God Dagon– while Samson, the strongest man who ever lived was locked up in basement with a buzz cut and his eyes poked out. The bible says they all sang this song:
“Our god has given us victory over our enemy Samson.” Nobody knows for sure what the tune was — but judging from the lyrics, it probably wasn’t very catchy.
After they were done singing, the energy in the room went way down:
King A to King B: This party’s getting kind of dull, don’t you think?
King B to King A: I know, I even tried getting up a rousing chorus of “Our god has given us victory over our enemy who devastated our land and killed so many of us”
King C: And?
King B to King C: Nothin’.
King D: I wonder what we could do to liven it up?
King E to King D: Well, if we had some Christians we could feed them to some lions if we had some lions.
King A to no king in particular: Oh I know! Let’s let Samson out of prison to entertain us.
King #228: You mean, Samson, the strongest man who ever lived, who is at this very moment locked up in the basement with the recently shorn hair and the even more recently poked out eyes?
King B: Excuse me King #228, but I think you wandered into the wrong group of kings. Where did you come from?
King #228: 1 Kings 19?
King C: Hahahahaha! I knew it! Well anyways, I’m going out for more fig wine. . . wait a minute, I can’t find my chariot reins!
King B: I took them.
King C: Why?
King B to King C: Because Kings don’t let Kings chariot drunk.
King A to King B: I’m about ready to fall asleep. You want I should go get Samson out of his cell?
King B to the only King left who was paying any attention at all (King #228): No let’s send a dumb little boy to take Samson by the hand, and lead Samson, the strongest man who ever lived, out to us and have him stand between those two pillars over there.
King C to King B: You mean those two pillars over there that are purely decorative and are not structurally needed should they somehow be destroyed or do you mean the two load-bearing pillars that if something were to happen to them the entire palace would collapse and everyone would be killed including Kings A through #228?
King B: The latter . . No wait . . . the former?
While King B was looking up the definitions of former and latter, the dumb little boy led Samson to the two load-bearing pillars and Samson took hold of them and pushed with all his might.
The entire building fell down killing all 3,000 party-goers and every single one of the kings except for King #228 who quickly high-tailed it back to 1 Kings 19.
And there you have it, Dear Readers! What Gregory learned in Sunday school today. Please check back next week at the same time to find out what Gregory comes up with.