Gregory’s Bible Stories: Samson

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how Samson entertained the Philistines.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory Samson, The Headliner

One fine shiny biblical morn, a group of Philistine kings along with 3,000 other Philistine party-goers met to celebrate and offer a sacrifice to their God Dagon– while Samson, the strongest man who ever lived was locked up in basement with a buzz cut and his eyes poked out.  The bible says they all sang this song:

“Our god has given us victory over our enemy Samson.” Nobody knows for sure what the tune was — but judging from the lyrics, it probably wasn’t very catchy.

After they were done singing, the energy in the room went way down:

King A to King B:  This party’s getting kind of dull, don’t you think?

King B to King A: I know, I even tried getting up a rousing chorus of “Our god has given us victory over our enemy who devastated our land and killed so many of us”

King C:  And?

King B to King C:  Nothin’.

King D:  I wonder what we could do to liven it up?

King E to King D:  Well, if we had some Christians we could feed them to some lions if we had some lions.

King A to no king in particular:  Oh I know! Let’s let Samson out of prison to entertain us.

King #228:  You mean, Samson, the strongest man who ever lived, who is at this very moment locked up in the basement with the recently shorn hair and the even more recently poked out eyes?

King B:  Excuse me King #228, but I think you wandered into the wrong group of kings.  Where did you come from?

King #228:  1 Kings 19?

King C:  Hahahahaha!  I knew it!  Well anyways, I’m going out for more fig wine. . . wait a minute, I can’t find my chariot reins!

King B: I took them.

King C:  Why?

King B to King C:  Because Kings don’t let Kings chariot drunk.

Later:

King A to King B:  I’m about ready to fall asleep.  You want I should go get Samson out of his cell?

King B to the only King left who was paying any attention at all (King #228):  No let’s send a dumb little boy to take Samson by the hand, and lead Samson, the strongest man who ever lived, out to us and have him  stand between those two pillars over there.

King C to King B:  You mean those two pillars over there that are purely decorative and are not structurally needed should they somehow be destroyed or do you mean the two load-bearing pillars that if something were to happen to them the entire palace would collapse and everyone would be killed including Kings A through #228?

King B:  The latter . .   No wait . . . the former?

While King B was looking up the definitions of former and latter, the dumb little boy led Samson to the two load-bearing pillars and Samson took hold of them and pushed with all his might.

The entire building fell down killing all 3,000 party-goers and every single one of the kings except for King #228 who quickly high-tailed it back to 1 Kings 19.

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  What Gregory learned in Sunday school today. Please check back next week at the same time to find out what Gregory comes up with.

Samson pushing down the pillars

And that concludes this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.  Please check back next week for more biblical adventures as told by Gregory.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Samson

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how Samson entertained the Philistines.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory Samson, The Headliner

One fine shiny biblical morn, a group of Philistine kings along with 3,000 other Philistine party-goers met to celebrate and offer a sacrifice to their God Dagon– while Samson, the strongest man who ever lived was locked up in basement with a buzz cut and his eyes poked out.  The bible says they all sang this song:

“Our god has given us victory over our enemy Samson.” Nobody knows for sure what the tune was — but judging from the lyrics, it probably wasn’t very catchy.

After they were done singing, the energy in the room went way down:

King A to King B:  This party’s getting kind of dull, don’t you think?

King B to King A: I know, I even tried getting up a rousing chorus of “Our god has given us victory over our enemy who devastated our land and killed so many of us”

King C:  And?

King B to King C:  Nothin’.

King D:  I wonder what we could do to liven it up?

King E to King D:  Well, if we had some Christians we could feed them to some lions if we had some lions.

King A to no king in particular:  Oh I know! Let’s let Samson out of prison to entertain us.

King #228:  You mean, Samson, the strongest man who ever lived, who is at this very moment locked up in the basement with the recently shorn hair and the even more recently poked out eyes?

King B:  Excuse me King #228, but I think you wandered into the wrong group of kings.  Where did you come from?

King #228:  1 Kings 19?

King C:  Hahahahaha!  I knew it!  Well anyways, I’m going out for more fig wine. . . wait a minute, I can’t find my chariot reins!

King B: I took them.

King C:  Why?

King B to King C:  Because Kings don’t let Kings chariot drunk.

Later:

King A to King B:  I’m about ready to fall asleep.  You want I should go get Samson out of his cell?

King B to the only King left who was paying any attention at all (King #228):  No let’s send a dumb little boy to take Samson by the hand, and lead Samson, the strongest man who ever lived, out to us and have him  stand between those two pillars over there.

King C to King B:  You mean those two pillars over there that are purely decorative and are not structurally needed should they somehow be destroyed or do you mean the two load-bearing pillars that if something were to happen to them the entire palace would collapse and everyone would be killed including Kings A through #228?

King B:  The latter . .   No wait . . . the former?

While King B was looking up the definitions of former and latter, the dumb little boy led Samson to the two load-bearing pillars and Samson took hold of them and pushed with all his might.

The entire building fell down killing all 3,000 party-goers and every single one of the kings except for King #228 who quickly high-tailed it back to 1 Kings 19.

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  What Gregory learned in Sunday school today. Please check back next week at the same time to find out what Gregory comes up with.

Samson pushing down the pillars

 

 

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Abram’s 537 Thousand-ish Kids

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. 

In today’s Sunday School lesson, Gregory learned about how God told Abram he would have more descendants than stars in the sky, and he couldn’t help imagining how that conversation would have gone.

Gregory's Bible StoriesAbram’s 537 Thousand-ish  Kids

This week’s lesson is a continuation of the story of  God’s made-man, Abram, who filled the gap in God’s life after his bff Noah drowned. (Sadly, ark building leaves precious little time for swimming lessons.)

Property Procurement 

Last week, Abram had refused the King of Sodom’s kind offer to give Abram all the property Abram had procured from some people he killed. The very same property that had originally belonged to the King of Sodom who had procured it from some people he killed. (For more information about biblical property procurement, refer to the bible, pages 1-1600.)

Biblical scholars believe there are two reasons Abram gave the  King of Sodom’s property back:  1) Abram didn’t want people to say that keeping the King of Sodom’s property was the reason Abram became rich and 2) who knew where the King of Sodom’s property had been?

One day after a particularly trying day of biblical property procurement, Abram went to his tent, put out the Do Not וְנִבְהָ֑לְתִּי sign and lay down.   He was just drifting off when the Lord knocked on his tent (apparently the sign fell off before He had a chance to omnipotent it.)

The Lord:   Hey Wake up Abram!  I’ve got something to tell you.

Abram:  What?  Didn’t you see the Do Not וְנִבְהָ֑לְתִּי sign?

The Lord: Sign schmign!  I’ve got important news!

Abram:  It better be good.

The Lord: Well it’s this:  Do not be afraid, Abram I will shield you from danger and give you a great reward.

Abram: You woke me up for that?  What good will your reward be to me since I have no children? My only heir is my slave, Eliezer of Damascus, and I lost his address.

The Lord: This slave Eliezer of Damascus will not inherit your property.  You’re own son will inherit your property. Come outside with me!

Abram:  Can I at least change out of my jammies?

The Lord:  Look at the sky, Abram, and try to count the stars.

Abram:  Okay, one . . . two . . . three . . . four . . .

Two hours later:

Abram:  . . . 537,001, 537,002 . . .

The Lord:  I think you already counted that one.

Abram: Oops!  Make that 536,999 .. .

The Lord:  No that would make it 537,001.

Abram:  Are you sure?

The Lord raised His holy eyebrow most high.

Abram:  Okay okay.

The Lord:  Anyway never mind about the counting, Abram.  The point is that you will have more descendants than stars in the sky . . . isn’t that wonderful Abram? . . .   Abram? . . .  Hello!? . . .   Heaven to Abram!  What’s the matter, you look pale?

Abram:  I just thinking about all those school lunches I’m going to have to pack!

The Lord:  Ha ha!  Darn, I wish I wouldn’t have thrown away the mold I used to create your sense of humor!  Anyway, speaking of school lunches, bring me a cow, a goat and a ram, each of them three years old.

Abram:  One goat, one cow and one ram.Okay. I’m writing it down.  Is that all?

The Lord:  Did you get the  dove and the pigeon?

Abram:  No you didn’t say anything about a dove and a pigeon.

The Lord:  Oh yes I did.

Abram:  No  you didn’t.

The Lord shot Abram a don’t make me use the lightning look.

Abram:  Ha ha!  I was joking, Lord!  Of course I wrote down the dove and the pigeon.

The Lord:  Ahaha!  You know what, Abram?

Abram:  What?

The Lord:  You’re way funnier than Noah ever was.

Abram:  It’s a shame about the mold.

The Lord: Tell me about it.

And that concludes today’s edition of Gregory’s bible stories.  Please check back next week to find out what The Lord wants Abram to do with the cow, the goat, the ram and the dove and the pigeon! What could it be?

Until next time  . . . I love you

Abram counts stars Gregory's Bible Stories

 

Loosely based on Genesis 15: 1-9