Gregory’s Summer Bible School: Gideon Gets Peeved

Welcome Dear Readers to Gregory’s Summer Bible School.  This summer Gregory will be learning all about Gideon.

Let’s listen in and see what Gregory has learned about Gideon so far:

One day, shortly after the Israelites got back from the excitement of  battling Canaanites and cutting off the big toes and thumbs of  seventy kings, they were experiencing a lull so, not knowing what else to do with themselves,  they decided to do what they always did when they were bored — sin against the Lord.

So naturally the Lord had no choice but to have the mean, nasty, overweight Midianites rule over the Israelites for seven years (This was way before the Lord thought of timeouts).

The Midianites were bigger and stronger than the Israelites, who were more on the bookish side and who – aside from their large collection of big toes and thumbs, were not really all that aggressive.

So the Israelites spent a lot of time hiding from the Midianites in caves by day and tip toeing around by night planting their crops and tending to their cattle so as not to wake up the Midianites who were light sleepers.

But invariably some poor Israelite would sneeze too loudly and the Midianites would wake up, and come down from the hills on their camels.

The bible says there were so many Midianites that they and their camels couldn’t be counted, but most scholars believe this is simply because they wouldn’t hold still long enough.

Anyway, the Midianites would wreak havoc on the Israelites by trampling their crops, tipping their cows, messing up their hairdos and giving them all robe wedgies.

The Israelites cried out to the Lord, and the Lord,  who was wondering when they were going to cry out, sent them a prophet who came to them with a  message from the Lord.

The first part of the Lord’s message recapped what the Lord’s big accomplishments had been thus far which, of course, included bringing the Israelites out of Egypt, and freeing them from slavery. But the Lord never mentioned the parting of the Red Sea as He wasn’t that big on bragging, but was always secretly hoping someone else would bring that part up.

Then the Messenger of the Lord and Gideon had a conversation that might have sounded something like this but probably didn’t:

Messenger of the Lord:  Say, Gideon, would you mind if I sat down under this tree in Ophrah that belonged to your dad, Joash, from Abiezer’s family?

Gideon:  Sure, but how did you know all that?

MOTL:  I read the tree plaque. What are you doing?

Gideon:  I’m threshing wheat in this wine-press so as to confuse the Midianites.

MOTL:  To confuse them how?

Gideon:  Well, this way The Midianites will think I’m making wine when I’m really making flour.

MOTL:  Won’t they just think you are making wine and want to steal that instead?

Gideon:  What are you?  An attorney?

MOTL:  The Lord is with you, brave man.

Gideon:  Well, no offense but I’m a little peeved.

MOTL:  Peeved?  Peeved howeth?

Gideon:  All these horrible things are happening to us.  The stealing of the crops, the cow tipping, the robe wedgies, having to make flour in a wine-press.  What happened to all the Lord’s miracles everybody is always telling me about?

MOTL:  How would you feel if I told you that you will be rescuing Israel with the strength you have?

Gideon:  Yeah right.  Have you seen my muscles lately?  I can’t even tell you how sore I’m going to be tomorrow when I get done wine-pressing all this wheat.  And you think I’m weak, you should see the rest of my family, we once got beat up by a batch of kittens.

MOTL:  Doesn’t matter. You will defeat the Midianites as if they were only one man.

Gideon:  Okay if you say so.  Listen, I’m going to go fix you a snack.  Can you wait here till I get back?

MOTL:  Who moi?  Absotively!

Thank you, Dear Readers, for coming by Summer Bible School with Gregory!  Please check back next week for more of our lesson.

Until next time . . . I love you

I guess I’ll go fix you a snack.”    “Hot Diggity Doggeth!”

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Eve’s Killer Apple Pie

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how it came about that Eve served Adam the fruit from The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory

One day shortly after God created Adam and Eve and left them to their own devices in the Garden of Eden, Eve said to Adam:

“What’s the matter, honey?  Is all the yard work getting you down again?”

“Well, the garden is a beautiful place and I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but I would have been just as happy with a paradise that didn’t have such a big yard.  All this tilling is aggravating my old rib-cage injury something awful.  Can you get me an ice pack?”

“Are you trying to make me feel guilty again?”

“No  honey.  I’m just stating a fact. Part of me wishes God would have creatd the Condo of Eden instead of the Garden of Eden, that’s all.”

“Well, how about I cook you up your favorite dinner? That will cheer you up.”

“Goat Noodle Casserole?”

“That’s your favorite dinner?  I thought it was goatloaf?”

“Listen honey, no offense but your goatloaf is a little dry. ”

“God liked it.”

“Did He tell you that?”

“No, I could just tell by the way his face lit up like a thousands suns when he ate it.”

“No offense, honey, but that’s pretty much His resting face.”

“Why are you being such a brat?”

“I’m sorry.  I don’t mean to be.  Tell you what.  Why don’t you bake me a nice pie for dessert.”

“Okay!  How about my famous Fig Leaf Pie?”

“Well, honey . . . uh . . .  frankly, your Fig Leaf Pie is only famous because it’s so dry.”

“Did God tell you that?”

“Yes.”

“Well! That makes me not want to invite God over for dinner anymore.”

“Don’t be mad honey.  You know what?  I heard that a fruit called the apple makes a pretty good pie.”

“Who told you that?”

“I don’t remember exactly.  I think it was one of those creeping things that creepeth upon the earth.”

“And it could talk?”

“Non-stop!”

“Okay, well you stay here and rest your side, Adam, and I’ll go out and have a talk with this creeping thing and see if it will show me where the apple tree is.”

“Uh . . Okay but seems to me it wasn’t called an apple tree though.”

“Oh really?  What was it called?”

“The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.”

“That’s unnecessarily long.  I’m just going to call it the apple tree.  If you need me I’ll be out picking apples . . .”

“Okay honey.  Have fun!  Oh and before you go would you mind grabbing me an ice pack on your way out?”

“Yeah sure.”

“. . . and a Bud Light?”

“Yeah sure.”

And that concludes Gregory’s bible stories for this week, Dear Readers.  Please check back next week for the further adventures of all the people in the bible.

Until next time . . . I love you

PIE-FOR-ADAM
Eve’s Killer Apple Pie

Eve’s Killer Apple Pie

8 apples from The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil

1/2  bushel goat butter

I beehive honey

2/3 shekel cinnamon

Preheat flames to medium roar

Cook until sunset

Serves:  0 to 3 (depending on dryness)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Prophet Habakkuk

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how the prophet Habakkuk asked the Lord some tough questions.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory The Prophet Habakkuk’s Chat with the Lord

One day a prophet named Habakkuk was passing though Babylon when he couldn’t help noticing how cruel and violent the Babylonians were.  And because Habakkuk was a prophet, it mean he had God’s unlisted phone number so he decided to call up the Lord and vent.

Habakkuk:  Hello Lord, you got a minute?

The Lord:  I’m in the middle of  eating lunch. Who is this?

Habakkuk:  It’s me, Habakkuk.

The Lord:  How’d you get this number?

Habakkuk:  I’m a prophet, you give it out to all the prophets.

The Lord: Okay. What do you want?

Habakkuk:  Well, basically I was just wondering how long I must call for help before you listen, before you save us from violence.  Destruction and violence are all around me and evil men get the better of the righteous and so justice is perverted.

The Lord:  Where are you?  Sodom and Gomorrah?

Habakkuk:  No I’m calling from Babylon actually.

The Lord:  Then you must be referring to the fierce, restless Babylonians who are marching across the world spreading fear and terror?

Habakkuk:  Yeah I think so . . .

The Lord:  Just to be clear are you referring to the Babylonians whose horses are faster than leopards?

Habakkuk:  Faster than leopards?  Don’t you mean faster than cheetahs?

The Lord:  What’d I say?

Habakkuk:  You said leopards.

The Lord:  Yeah that’s what I meant.  Their horses are fast but they’re not that fast. But one thing’s certain.  Their horses are like hungry wolves!

Habakkuk:  I thought horses were vegetarians.

The Lord:  What’d I say?

Habakkuk:  You said they were like hungry wolves.

The Lord:   What I meant was their horses paw at the ground while they come down like eagles attacking their prey.

Habakkuk:  Uh . . .

The Lord:  What?

Habakkuk:  Horses can’t fly.

The Lord:  My bad.  I must have been thinking of unicorns.

Habakkuk:  But unicorns can’t fly either.  They’re the horses with the horn right in the middle of their foreheads?

The Lord:  Oh yeah huh.  Well, what’s the name of that horse I created with wings?

Habakkuk:   Pegasus?

The Lord:  Yeah yeah that’s it.

Habakkuk:  So are you telling me that you’ve actually created a unicorn and Pegasus then?

The Lord:  No but I’m gunna.

Habakkuk:  So anyways, getting back to the Babylonians how can you let these treacherous evil men destroy people who are more righteous than them?

The Lord:  Meh.

Habakkuk:  How can you treat people like fish or like a swarm of insects that have no ruler to direct them?

The Lord:  How can I treat people like fish or swarms of insects?  I don’t get the comparison.

Habakkuk:  What I mean is the Babylonians catch people with their hooks.  They drag them off in nets and even worship the nets and offer sacrifices to them.

The Lord:  I don’t get it.  Why do they need nets if they have hooks?  And what’s that got to do with a swarm of insects?

Habakkuk:  Are they going to keep their swords forever and keep on destroying nations without mercy?

The Lord:  You know what, Habakkuk.  We’re going to have to finish this discussion later. My tacos are getting cold.

Habakkuk:  Okay I’ll call you later.

The  Lord:  Uh well actually I’m having my number changed so I’ll have call you back.

Habakkuk: When? Today?

The Lord:  I don’t know.  Later.

Habakkuk:  Later today . . . . tomorrow maybe?  . . . .hello?

Habakkuk
Hello? Hello? Gosh I can’t hear a thing through this stupid halo!

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Samson

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how Samson entertained the Philistines.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory Samson, The Headliner

One fine shiny biblical morn, a group of Philistine kings along with 3,000 other Philistine party-goers met to celebrate and offer a sacrifice to their God Dagon– while Samson, the strongest man who ever lived was locked up in basement with a buzz cut and his eyes poked out.  The bible says they all sang this song:

“Our god has given us victory over our enemy Samson.” Nobody knows for sure what the tune was — but judging from the lyrics, it probably wasn’t very catchy.

After they were done singing, the energy in the room went way down:

King A to King B:  This party’s getting kind of dull, don’t you think?

King B to King A: I know, I even tried getting up a rousing chorus of “Our god has given us victory over our enemy who devastated our land and killed so many of us”

King C:  And?

King B to King C:  Nothin’.

King D:  I wonder what we could do to liven it up?

King E to King D:  Well, if we had some Christians we could feed them to some lions if we had some lions.

King A to no king in particular:  Oh I know! Let’s let Samson out of prison to entertain us.

King #228:  You mean, Samson, the strongest man who ever lived, who is at this very moment locked up in the basement with the recently shorn hair and the even more recently poked out eyes?

King B:  Excuse me King #228, but I think you wandered into the wrong group of kings.  Where did you come from?

King #228:  1 Kings 19?

King C:  Hahahahaha!  I knew it!  Well anyways, I’m going out for more fig wine. . . wait a minute, I can’t find my chariot reins!

King B: I took them.

King C:  Why?

King B to King C:  Because Kings don’t let Kings chariot drunk.

Later:

King A to King B:  I’m about ready to fall asleep.  You want I should go get Samson out of his cell?

King B to the only King left who was paying any attention at all (King #228):  No let’s send a dumb little boy to take Samson by the hand, and lead Samson, the strongest man who ever lived, out to us and have him  stand between those two pillars over there.

King C to King B:  You mean those two pillars over there that are purely decorative and are not structurally needed should they somehow be destroyed or do you mean the two load-bearing pillars that if something were to happen to them the entire palace would collapse and everyone would be killed including Kings A through #228?

King B:  The latter . .   No wait . . . the former?

While King B was looking up the definitions of former and latter, the dumb little boy led Samson to the two load-bearing pillars and Samson took hold of them and pushed with all his might.

The entire building fell down killing all 3,000 party-goers and every single one of the kings except for King #228 who quickly high-tailed it back to 1 Kings 19.

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  What Gregory learned in Sunday school today. Please check back next week at the same time to find out what Gregory comes up with.

Samson pushing down the pillars

 

 

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: God and Gideon’s Questionnaire

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how God whittled down Gideon’s army from 22,000 to 300.

Let’s listen in as Gregory fills us in on what must have happened.

gregory God and Gideon’s Questionnaire

When last we left our hero, Gideon, he and the Lord had been sorting through 22,000 potential warrior applicants to decide who would go to war against the Midianites.  The weeding-out process was accomplished by having the applicants answer the following questionnaire:

Circle the best answer to the following questions:

Gideon and five men of his men were fighting ten Midianites.  Two of his men beheaded six Midianites and three of his men stabbed four Midianites seven times. How many heads of dead Midianites did Gideon’s wife have to find room for on their trophy shelf. Round up to the nearest Midianite.

A) 12

B) 117

C) 1,283, 747

D) Just the head of Regis Philbin

On any given day, I have been known to worship:

A) God

B) Baal

C) Golden idols

D) Just the head of Regis Philbin

My favorite offering to burn on the altar is:

A) First born lamb

B) a quart of olive oil

C) S’mores

D) Just the head of Regis Philbin

If nobody’s looking, I drink out of the river like a:

A) dog

B) kitty

C) giraffe

D) Just the head of Regis Philbin

I like to use the following musical instrument to kill people in battle:

A) a trumpet

B) a flute

C) an oboe

D) Just the head of Regis Philbin

When I go to battle with Gideon to defeat the Midianites I plan to carry:

A) An empty jar with a torch inside and a trumpet

B) One small goat and a bugle

C) A big stick

D) Just the head of Regis Philbin

The nation of Israel is located on:

A) The northern most tip of the Red Sea

B) Mount Ararat

C) The coastal plains of Galilee

D) Just the head of Regis Philbin

When I go to heaven, I hope to be taking with me:

A) An honorable soul that has followed God’s word

B) A mind that is worthy of the heaven

C) Noble intentions and a pure heart

D) Just the head of Regis Philbin

And there you have it Dear Readers.  Please stop by next week at this same time to find out what Gregory learned in Sunday School.

Until next time . . . I love you

Gideo and his trumpeters

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Gideon’s Dog Day Afternoon

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned more about the adventures of Gideon.

Let’s listen in shall we?

gregory Gideon’s Dog Day Afternoon

Last week, the Lord sent a supernatural, glowing, angel who was wearing a radiant robe that had the words “God Squad” illuminated across the front of it with a message from the Lord about how He wanted Gideon to rescue the Israelites. The Angel was also carrying a magical fire stick.

But Gideon wasn’t convinced that the angel was really a messenger from God because in those days angels were always popping up left and right and magical fire sticks and regular sticks were practically identical.

The Angel and Gideon
“Hi, yeah, I’m an angel of the Lord.”            “Sorry but I’m going to have to see some ID.”

 

The Wet-Wool/Dry-Wool Miracle

Gideon needed more proof that God wanted him to rescue the Israelites, so he asked God to perform the wildly-popular Wet-Wool/Dry-Wool miracle which was considered the G0-To miracle in those days for Generation 3000 BC Millennials.  The conversation might have gone something like this:

The Lord:  So, Gideon, did you get my message from the angel about how I want you to rescue the Israelites?

Gideon:  Yeah.

The Lord:  And?

Gideon: Well, Lord, I was hoping that instead of a message from an angel that  you’d perform the miracle where I leave some dry wool outside at night to see if it was still dry in the morning.

The Lord:  Aw come on, Gideon!  That’s such a lame miracle. If you really want a miracle, I could part the Red Sea.

Gideon:   Meh . . no offense but that’s a little passé don’t you think?

The Lord: Okay I admit it’s a little old school oh wait. . .  I’ve got an idea! How’s about I whip you up big ol’  burning  bush? We could roast marshmallows. . .

Gideon:  But I hate marshmallows! I want the  Wet-Wool/Dry-Wool miracle! I want! I want! I want!  Gimme!  Gimme! Gimme!

The Lord:  Okay  okay! I forgot how spoiled you 3000 BC Millenials are!

Later:

The Lord:  So Gideon, I see you have amassed a great army to rescue the Israelites.  How many have you amassed thus far?

Gideon:  Let’s see here . . . Roman numeral one. . . Roman numeral two . . . Roman numeral three . . .

The Lord:  Uh . . it looks  like about twenty thousand.  Uh oh.  With so many men, they’ll  be sure to win the war against the Medianites and then nobody will give Me credit for it. And even though I’m God, I still hate it when that happens. We’re going to have to weed some of them out.  I know!  Let’s send everybody home who is afraid.

Laterer:

The Lord:  Did you send home everyone who was afraid?

Gideon:  Yeah, that got rid of 22,000 right off the bat but there’s still 10,000 left.

The Lord:  Hm . . . that’s still too many . . .oh I know!  Send them all down to the river to get a drink and then I’ll come along and send the guys home who drink out of the river like a dog. Then just to be on the safe side, I’ll throw a stick really far away and that should take care of the stragglers.

Latererer:

The Lord: Okay Gideon how many we got now?

Gideon: Let’s see here.  I think about 500 . . . oh wait . . .  make that 300 . . . 200 just ran after a cat.

The Lord:  Perfect!

Gideon:  Wait a minute, Lord.  I see  a couple of them are turning around three times before lying down.  Should I get rid of them too?

The Lord:  No.We’ll keep them as subs.

Gideon:  Good idea!  They don’t call you The Lord for nothing!

The Lord:  I love you Gideon that’s why I just created this stack of bibles with your name on it!

Gideon:  Oh Whoopty-friggin’-do.

The Lord: Pardon?

Gideon:  Nothing.

 And that concludes part II of the adventures of Gideon.  Please check back next week at this same time when Gideon’s servant, Purah, comes up with a fantastic money-making idea for Purah-ina people chow.

Until next time . . . I love you

Gideon's men drinking like dogs

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Forbidden Fruit Fiasco Fallout

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today in Sunday school Gregory learned about what happened when God found out about the forbidden fruit fiasco.

Gregory's Bible StoriesThe Forbidden Fruit Fiasco Fallout

After Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit, they heard the Lord God walking in the garden.  (You could always hear the Lord God coming a mile away as He loved slapping His flip-flops.)

Adam and Eve weren’t wearing clothes because the fig-leaf outfits they sewed to cover themselves in Genesis 3:7  were way too scratchy. They tried selling them at a yard sale, but nobody came by except for the snake. He didn’t buy anything though as they didn’t have any tube tops.

When Adam and Eve heard God calling to them, they hid behind some trees. Then they looked around and saw a bear sleeping behind them.  They hoped God wouldn’t look over as the last thing Adam and Eve wanted was for God to see them with a bear behind.

Biblical Scholars believe their conversation with God might have — but probably didn’t — go something like this:

God:  Where are you, Adam?

Adam:  I’m hiding behind this tree because I’m naked.

God:  Why?

Adam:  Uh . . . the dry cleaners lost my Bermuda shorts?

God: No, I mean  why do you know you’re naked?

Adam:  Uh . . . is this a trick question?

Eve:  Let me handle this, Adam.  Hi God.  Remember me?  I’m that rib you–oh gosh! Those flip-flops look really great on you, by the way.

God:  You really think so?  I love the sound they make when I walk.

Eve:  I noticed. Listen, Lord, remember that tree you put smack dab in the middle of the garden that has forbidden cupcake fruit growing on it that you told us never to eat not even for dessert?

God:  Yes?

Eve:  Well the Snake tricked us into eating it.

God:  How?

Eve:  He said the fruit would make us wise-; plus it had cream filling. And you know how Adam can’t resist cream filling!

God:  What?  That’s the oldest trick in the book!

Eve:  Uh . . yeah . . .  we know that now.

God: Where’s the Snake?

Snake:  You rang?

God:  Okay, Snake, I’m gong to punish you.  From now on you will have to crawl on your belly and eat dust.

Snake:  Wait a minute, I’m already doing that.  You mean all this time I could have been walking around eating forbidden cream-filled cupcake fruit instead of crawling on my belly in this stupid tube top?

God:  And, Eve, I’m punishing you too. When you have a baby it’s going to hurt like gangbusters.

Eve:  What’s a baby?

God:  And you, Adam, you listened to your wife and ate the forbidden cupcake fruit  from tree of knowledge.  What were you thinking?

Adam: I was thinking . . .  mm . . . cupcakes.

God:  Sorry, Adam, but I’m going to have to kick you out of the Garden of Eden. I give you one rule and you break it.

Adam:  Ah, come on God.  How about two out of three?

God:   No Adam.  Now get out and take that bear behind with you!

Adam and Eve exiting the garden of Eden

And that’s what Gregory learned in Sunday School today, Dear Readers.  Please stop by next week at this same time to see what happens when Adam and Eve move to the country.

Until next time . . . I love you

Adam and Eve with a bear behind