Jesus, Twix Bars, and the Samaritan Woman

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Bible According to Gregory.  Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this week:

Linda Vernon Humor, the bible according to gregory, humorous bible storiesJesus, Twix Bars and the Samaritan Woman

When Jesus was alive, he had to walk everywhere.  Biblical walking wasn’t much fun.  Everybody wore opened-toed shoes with no arch support, and there was ox manure everywhere and people were constantly stubbing their toes on the stones that were laying around all over the place– which made the countryside convenient for impromptu stonings, sure, but horrible for walking.

One day on his way to Galilee, Jesus and his disciples got a little lost and realized they would have to walk through Samaria.  In those days, Samaria was to Jesus and his disciples what Mexico is to Americans today.  Fun but iffy.

After stepping in ox manure and stubbing their toes on rocks all the way there (except for Jesus who not only  knew exactly where, but, more importantly, where not to step), the disciples and Jesus were pretty tuckered out.

Finally they came to a well and Jesus sat down to rest while the disciples, who were starving, went to find a good goat burger drive walk-through.

A Samaritan woman came to draw water from the well that Jesus was sitting on.

The Bible According to Gregory, Linda Vernon Humor, Jesus and Samaritan Woman humorous bible stories

Here is the conversation that ensued as summarized by Gregory who’s never read the bible and doesn’t ever listen in Sunday school:

Samaritan Woman:  Uh, excuse me. Can you move over, I’m trying to draw some water.

Jesus:  Will you give me a drink of water?

Samaritan Woman:  Well uh . . . I see by your name tag that you’re a Jew and I’m a Samaritan and Jews never drink out of Samaritan cups!

Jesus:    Actually, I could give you some water.  Some living water and then you would never be thirsty again.  Indeed the water I give will become a spring of water welling up to eternal life.

Samaritan Woman:  No kidding?  Kind of like a camel only better!

Jesus:  Go get your husband.

Samaritan Woman:  I have no husband.

Jesus:  You are right when you say you have no husband.  The fact is, you have had five husbands and the man you now have is not your husband.  What you just said is true.

Samaritan Woman:  So you’re the one whose been reading my diary!

Then Jesus told the woman the time is coming when true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth.

Samaritan Woman:  Well I know that Messiah is coming.  When he comes he will explain everything to us.

Jesus:  “I am the one speaking to you –I am he!”

Just then the disciples showed up with some righteous goat burgers and the woman left her water jug and ran  back to the village to tell the Village People (who just happened to be playing there that day) as well as the rest of the village people that they were never going to believe who she just met at the well . . .

The bible acording to Gregory, Linda Venron Humor

Meanwhile the disciples were trying to get Jesus to eat.

Disciple:  Rabbi, eat something!

Jesus:  “I have food to eat that you know nothing about.”

The disciples waited for Jesus to pull a Twix out of his robe pocket, but instead Jesus said, “My food, is to do the will of him who sent me to finish his work.”

If the disciples were disappointed, they tried not to show it.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning.  Please check back next week, to see what Gregory new exciting things Gregory will learn in Sunday School.

Until next time . . . I love you