Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.
Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about Noah’s Ark and couldn’t help imagining what it must have been like stepping out on dry land after being stuck on the ark for so long.
When The Ark Disembarked
As imagined by Gregory
When Noah and his wife and his three sons, Shem, Ham and Japheth and their wives and two of every animal on earth had been stuck on the ark together so long no amount of Febreeze could have helped, Ham looked out the window and saw that all the water was gone, and the ark was high-centered on Mount Ararat.
The date was January 1, قبل يسوع– wouldn’t you know! The one day everybody was hung over.
Noah looked outside and saw that even though the sun was so bright it was giving him an even worse headache, the land was still pretty muddy so he made everybody stay inside the ark until the mud was complete gone on February 27, قبل يسوع because no one had remembered to bring their goloshes
When Noah was 601 years old. God told Noah to go ahead and let everybody out of the ark so that they could get started on reproducing and populating the earth again.
Noah decided to keep it to himself that the male and female rats already had 473 kids. Why let the cat (both male and female) out of the bag? Noah figured it would just put God in another one of His Destroy-Every-Living-Thing funks.
So to keep God in a good mood, the first thing Noah did when he got outside was build an altar to the Lord using an old boot, some pottery cans and other debris he found on the ground from the Destroying-Every- Living-Thing rubble that was strewn up one side of Mt. Ararat and down the other.
Noah gathered one of each kind of ritually-cleaned animal and bird and burned them whole as a sacrifice to the altar. Then he took out a bottle of Noah’s Judgment Day Barbecue Sauce, he managed to smuggle in his robe — and poured it over the top.
The odor of the sacrifice made the Lord’s almighty mouth water! Then the Lord said to himself (apparently out loud while only the bible was listening):
“Never again will I put the earth under a curse because of what man does; I know that from the time he is young his thoughts are evil. Never again will I destroy all living beings as I have done this time . . . as long as the world exists there will be a time for . . . etc . . . etc . . . ” (right about here is where the bible quit listening).
Then God gave Noah a Thumbs Up/Thumbs Down list for mankind’s behavior since nobody remembered to pack the Ten Commandments.
God’s Thumbs Up/Thumbs Down List for Post-Flood Mankind’s Behavior
Thumbs up to having all the children you can possibly stand! 🙂
Thumbs up to man being the boss of animals! 🙂
Thumbs up to All You Can Eat Meat and Green Plant buffets. 🙂
Thumbs down to eating meat that still has blood in it. 😦
Thumbs down to killing anybody or everybody like God just did. 😦
Then God promised not to destroy the earth with a flood ever ever again. He didn’t come right out and say He was sorry, but everyone suspected it.
God went on to promise that every time a rainbow appeared in the sky, it would mean that God was keeping his promise to never wipe out mankind ever again with a flood so help Him Him.
The bible tells us that Noah, Shem, Ham and Japheth were the ancestors of all the people on earth. Of course, the bible probably would have listed their wives as ancestors too — but they were girls.
After that, everything was going swell in a hand basket for our little group of mankind, that is until Noah had to go and get the bright idea to plant a vineyard . . . and you don’t even want to know what happened next — but Gregory is going to tell you anyway — so check back next week, Dear Readers!
Until next time . . . I love you
35 thoughts on “Gregory’s Bible Lesson: When The Ark Disembarked”
Well, now we know where the cat out of the bag was coined! Couldn’t The Lord have disembarked them earlier? Geesh 😛
Haha! Well since the Lord just got done wiping out every living thing, they were probably too afraid to say anything about getting out in the mud! 😀
bah…! come on, now we got too much mic e 😛
Ha! If it’s not one thing it’s another!
Ah! Thank you! 😀
So…for the 601st Anniversary of Birth, the appropriate gift is mud?
Sheesh, And I thought tin was a bad idea.
Well it would have been tin but the only kind of tin they had back then was made out of mud so it’s half a dozen of the other or 6 or whatever that expression is or was.
ahaha Noah’s judgement day bbq sauce! mmm bbq! This is hilarious Linda!!
Well you should know Guaps, you got mud last year! 😉
Thanks Bucky. And that BBq sauce is making me hungry.
You’re welcome. Me too, do you have the recipe?
Yes…Linda – about this Judgement Day Barbecue Sauce. Can I be your UK agent?
Yes you can! I hope you don’t have a problem with selling it from an ark . . .
…wearing a uniform that includes webbed feet, a tail and a beak. Some heavy lifting involved.
Ha! Yes! And you also have to have the logo tattooed in a place of your choosing. But it’s an ark on fire — and who wouldn’t want a tattoo like that? (Well I wouldn’t, but I’m probably the only one who wouldn’t . . . )
Haha…! Well, that’s the strap-line sorted: “Ye shall taste the fire of the righteous!” (Peel label for special Linda Vernon ’70’s Heritage Dangerous Barbecue Menu!)
LOL!! I think this could really sell!
I’m envisioning a chain of restaurants all shaped like arks.
Yes!! …and the Kids Meal includes a toy extinct animal – collect all 3,276, 852! Closed Sundays. 10% discount whenever it rains, twins eat free. Management are not responsible for burns, staining or random acts of violence caused by contact with sauce.
LOL!! You have to write this up as a post! 10% discount when it rains and twins eat free — HA!
This, along with many other Bible “stories,” are so preposterous, so far-fetched and obviously made-up that I can’t believe, in this day and age, people still think this stuff is all based on cold hard facts. How is it that organized religion still survives?! This is a funny post but it kind of pissed me off a little bit, too.
It really is so convoluted and confusing. And it’s so amazing how church puts a positive spin on all the gruesome bible stories for little kids too. We learn in Sunday School that whenever you see a rainbow you should be reminded that God loves you. But the bible actually says God put that rainbow in the sky to remind himself not to wipe out every living thing on earth by way of a flood, at least, ever again. Old Testament God is scary and unpredictable and an egomaniac– no matter how much church wants him to be loving.
If you think the Bible stories have been dumbed-down for kids, go get yourself an original copy of Grimm’s Fairie Tales. Yikes!
Really! I will do just that!
I look forward to these post – they are becoming a most pleasant Monday morning habit! Great stuff.
Oh that’s so nice to hear. Thank you, Mike!
With a son named Ham it’s a wonder pigs survived the trip. That or the family was entertained with hours of renditions of “if they could see me now” and the sun will come out tomorrow”
I love the arc series you do. What bizzare pictures of dragon things flying by the arc!
Your captions are so funny!!!!!
I laughed so hard at your first sentence. It’s so you, humor-wise! Now I’m laughing at them singing “If they could see me now” That’s so Simpsons! Oh my gosh I’m glad I haven’t put on my eye make up yet! The Sun will come out tomorrow! What this world needs is Noah’s Ark, the musical! LOL!!
I have to apologize. I skipped ahead and read what happens after Noah plants the grapes. Looks like he could have just made jelly to go on his peanut butter sandwiches.
Oh phew! I was worried it was going to be something untoward. I just hope he shared.