Linda’s Video Writing Tip #2

Welcome Dear Readers to day #2 of my video writing tips.  Today’s writing topic is inspiration!

 

 

Okay so that does it for today’s tip.  Hope you enjoyed it.  Please check back tomorrow for another writing tip.

Until next time . . . I love you

Linda’s Writing-tip Video

Welcome Dear Readers! Several years ago, I made a video and put it up on YouTube.  Well here it is hundreds and hundreds of days later, and guess what?  I finally got around to making another one.  

So I thought it would be fun to make this week my video writing-tip week.  So here’s my first writing tip.

Well, there you have it, Dear Readers.

Until next time . . . I love you

What Really Happened When George Cut Down the Cherry Tree

Setting: George Washington’s Sixth Birthday. 

Happy Birthday Hatchet Pie!

Our story opens when George Washington’s father comes outside and finds that the cherry tree has been chopped down:

What the?  George Washington come here right NOW!

Yes father?

Something tells me you cut down this cherry tree with the hatchet I got you for your birthday today!  I knew you were too young for a hatchet!  I knew I should have gone with your mother’s suggestion and gotten you a guillotine instead.

Father, please . . . I’m six!  All the other children in the township got hatchets when they turned three!  I mean, it’s downright embarrassing how long I had to wait to finally get a hatchet of my very own!  And, besides, everybody knows guillotines are for babies.

Well look what happens.  I finally get you a hatchet, and you haven’t even had it more than an hour and what’s the first thing you do? Cut down my prized cherry tree!

Well, I cannot tell a lie, Father.  It’s not exactly the first thing I cut down.

What?!?

Well now that you’ve brought it up, and since I cannot tell a lie, this might be as good a time as any to mention that first I cut down the apple tree, then I cut down the apricot tree and, lastly, I cut down the cherry tree — in addition to hacking up a couple of rose bushes.

That does it George, march yourself to the woodshed, I’m giving you a sound whipping’!

Father, as you know, I cannot tell a lie, so this might be as good a time as any to also mention that the woodshed isn’t as much of a woodshed as it used to be . . .

 On no!  Not another “I cannot tell a lie!”

In fact, it would be more accurate, Dear Father, if we were to start thinking of the woodshed in terms of a rather large pile of kindling rather than an  actual building in and of itself.

Nothing like the thrill of killing and eating fruit!

Oh for crying out loud!  Well, I hope you at least saved the fruit so that your mother can bake us some pies . . . George?  You did save the fruit from the trees didn’t you?

Oh that . . . well . . .  I can cannot tell a lie, Father, for I surely would if it would spare you the heartache of telling you that I but finished off the last of fruit only seconds ago.

Ha ha! Well,  you might be the naughtiest boy in the world but at least you’re honest George, my boy!   I have a feeling you are going to grow up to be the very first President of the United States of America!  Now off with you!  Oh . . . and for godsakes don’t forget to brush your teeth again!

Happy Birthday George Washington!  Wherever you are!

Until next time . . . I love you

My Bill Murray Groundhog Day Kiss

I’m not usually a lucky person. The slot machines I play are sure to be clinkety-clank-less, the numbers on my raffle tickets go unannounced, and, truth be told, I’ve never even had an opportunity to shout the word “Bingo” . . . unless, of course, it was his name-o.

So when I got kissed by Bill Murray at the AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-am Golf Tournament, they had to call the fire department to get me down from Cloud 9.

“No, you idiot, that’s Cloud 8!”

The whole thing would have never happened had I not stepped on the toes of a good-natured, somewhat tipsy Englishman while trying to get a glimpse of Clint Eastwood at the fifth hole at Spyglass -; breaking the ice between the Englishman and I, while simultaneously breaking most of his toes.

Not the exact Englishman  but gawdawful like him.

Clint proceeded to hit a ball that landed squarely on the green. Now, for secretive, humorous reasons known only to the British, this sent my new Broken Toed Buddy into a fit of laughter and ear-splitting wise-crack-ery; the likes of which can only be achieved after enjoying a hearty three-martini breakfast.

Take a Mulligan, Clint!” The English One advised and began to chant. “Mulli! Mulli! Mulli!” Finally, Clint turned to him and assuming his famous Dirty Harry persona (at least that’s what I assumed he was assuming) replied“Yeah, OK,” a comment to which the gallery responded with an explosion of laughter so uproarious, I was left to conclude that everybody there was British.

Then . . . suddenly . . . like a Cinderella story out of nowhere – weaving his way through the throngs to the tee—appeared The Great and Powerfully Funny, Bill Murray, Himself.

Bill Murray signing autographs at the AT&T Pro Am Pebble Golf Tournment
The Great and Powerfully Funny Bill Murray, Himself!

“Look! It’s Bill Murray!” I observed with all the subtlety of Lucy Ricardo spotting William Holden at the Brown Derby. My English Buddy didn’t miss a beat. “Hey Bill!” He screamed over the crowd. “This lady would like a kiss!”

Bill Murray responded by slowly turning around like he was Moe Howard hearing the dreaded phrase “Niagara Falls!” As he headed my way, the crowd was giddy with anticipation. I know it’s weird and maybe I’ve been watching too much I Love Lucy but what was running through my head at that exact moment was, “Wait until Ethel hears about this!”

Then, Bill Murray positioned himself in front of me and politely waited for the crowd to get their cameras ready and when the time was right . . .

Getting a kiss from Bill Murray
BINGO!

. . . suddenly the AT&T golf tournament faded away, and it was just me and my lips and Bill Murray kissing me . . . with his lips. I don’t know how long we kissed. It could have been an instant or it could have been an hour or possibly four or five hours (but I doubt it) that I was suspended in the bliss of Bill Murray’s kiss.

On the drive home, I suddenly realized it was February 2nd which meant – that’s right – I got kissed by Bill Murray on Groundhog day. And in the immortal the words of Carl the Greens keeper — after he was granted total consciousness on his deathbed by the Dali Lama –I thought:

So I got that going for me . . . which is nice.”

Bill Murray as Carl the Greens Keeper

Until next time . . . I love you (and that goes double for Bill Murray)

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Barbecued Goat Caper

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every Sunday Gregory attends Sunday school and every Sunday he comes home and retells what he learned.  

Today Gregory learned about how Jonathan and his trusty sidekick got the best of a bunch of Philistines in 1 Samuel 14.

Linda Vernon Humor, the bible according to gregory, humorous bible stories

 

 

Jonathan and the Barbecued Goat Caper

One day King Saul’s son, Jonathan, was walking around the holy land with his sidekick, Young Man, whose sole job it was to carry Jonathan’s weapons — when Jonathan got the idea to crash the camp of some heathen Philistines.

Jonathan:  Mm . . . do you smell what I smell?

Young Man Whose Sole Job It Was To Carry Jonathan’s Weapons:  Yeah smells like some heathen Philistines are barbecuing some delicious goat!

Jonathan:  Exactamento! I really want to go over there.

YMWSJIWTCJW:  Yes but to get over there we will have to cross a pass that has two huge jagged rocks . . .

Jonathan:  Jagged schmagged.  Maybe the Lord will help us.

YMWSJIWTCJW: Okie doke.  Whatever you want to do, Jonny.

Jonathan: All right, then,  we’re going to crawl between the jagged rocks and if the Philistines tell us to wait then we will; but if they tell us to come it will mean the Lord has given us victory over them.

YMWSJIWTCJW: How do know these things?

Jonathan:  I dunno.

When the heathen Philistines saw Jonathan and his sidekick, YMWSJIWTCJW, crawling through the rocks they said in unison, “Look some Hebrews are coming out of the holes they have been hiding in!  Come on up here, we have something to tell you!”

Jonathan:  Did you hear that, YMWSJIWTCJW?  They have something to tell us. That means the lord has given Israel victory over them.

YMWSJIWTCJW:  Oh . .

Jonathan:  What wrong?  You sound disappointed.

YMWSJIWTCJW: I was kinda hoping it meant they saved us some barbecued goat.

Jonathan:  Don’t you ever think of anything but your stomach?

YMWSJIWTCJW:  Let me put it this way.  Are you going to eat the rest of your fig?

Jonathan:  Sigh . . go for it.

YMWSJIWTCJW: Thanks!  You want I should kill the Philistines now?

Jonathan:  Uh . . . let me knock them down first.

YMWSJIWTCJW: Okie doke.  Whatever you want to do, Jonny.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday school.  Please check back next week to find out what Gregory will learn next!

Until next time . . . I love you

Jonathan's Daring Deed

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Murmuring Mumblers

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.  Every Sunday Gregory attends Sunday school and every Sunday he comes home and retells what he learned.  Let’s listen in, shall we?

Gregory of the Bible According to Gregory Linda Vernon Humor Moses and the Murmuring Mumblers

One day, while Moses was cleaning out his closet, throwing out robes he hadn’t worn for over a year (because the same rules applied for closet cleaning in biblical days as they do today), there was a knock on the door of his tent. Of course Moses didn’t hear it, for knocking on doors made out of cloth was a rather futile endeavor even back in  biblical times.

But Mose’s wife had excellent hearing and yelled to Moses that someone was at the door  and would he mind answering it as she was in the Bathshebaroom. So Moses answered the door but it wasn’t the Lord, it was a spy the Lord had sent to go to the land of Canaan to bring back some fruit and to find out if the people there were going to be hard or easy to slaughter on a scale of one to ten, one being cinchy and ten being No Way Jose!

The conversation might have gone something like this:

Moses:  So are the people in Canaan  going to be hard to slaughter or easy?

Spy:    Icksnay on the easy-ay

Moses:  Uh is that a yes or a no . . . my Pig Latin’s a little rusty, sorry.

Spy:  Let’s put it this way, everybody there was at least 40 cubits tall.

Moses:    I’m terrible with weights and measures, sorry . . .

Spy:  Well you know how big a grasshopper is compared to us?

Moses:   That depends . . . is a grasshopper the same as a locust?

Spy:  Well, I’ve got a grasshopper in my pocket,  see how big he is?

Moses: Oh my gosh!

Spy:  Yeah, well  that’s how big we are compared to the people we are supposed to slaughter.

Moses:  Uh oh . . .

Spy:  Suffice it to say, Moses, that these people are a lot bigger and stronger than we are.

Moses:  Oy!  And what does suffice mean again?

Spy:  It means they are going to whoop our donkeys!

Moses:  I  don’t like the sounds of that! Perhaps as a precautionary measure we should hide our asses before battle.

Spy:  Uh, I don’t think there’s going to be any battle. On the way over here all the unwashed masses were murmuring and mumbling about how they weren’t going to go to war.

Moses: All the unwashed masses murmured that?

Spy:  Yes and mumbled it too.

Moses:  Oy!  But what about the washed masses?

Spy:  Six of one, half a dozen of the other, you know what I mean?

Moses:  No.

Seconds later, the Lord showed up on his pillar cloud and told Moses that because the unwashed masses  didn’t want to go into battle, the Lord was going to kill each and every one of them including their children and grandchildren — then scatter their corpses across the wilderness, so Moses thought it might be a good time to stage a drunk with power intervention for God.

Moses pointed out to the Lord, that if the  Lord killed everybody,  He would besmirch His reputation as a Huggable Teddy Bear Stuffed with Loving Kindness who traveled around the land in His Cloud Pillar answering  prayers and whatnot.

But the Lord was unmoved by Moses’ intervention and sent everyone scurrying to go to battle with the giants of Canaan.  Naturally every Israelite that went to battle the giants was stepped on and squished  in the first three minutes and the ones that weren’t got a good dousing of raid Raid Ant and Israelite Spray.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s installment of  The Bible According to Gregory.  Stayed to tuned next week for more biblical adventures!

Until next time . . . I love you

the Murmuring Mumblers

Golf Commentary in a Universe Where Nobody Keeps Tract of Strokes, Yardage or Statistics

golf course grass

Commentator # 1:  There goes the great legendary golfer Arnold Palmer.

Commentator # 2:  Arnold Palmer!

Commentator # 1:  He sure is good at golfing!

Commentator # 2:  He’s won the Masters like . . . a bunch of times.

Commentator # 1:  I know!  He’s the winning-est winner who ever won!

Commentator # 2:  You can say that again!

Commentator # 1:  He’s the winning-est winner who ever won!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa!

Commentator # 1:   Ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa HA HA!

Commentator # 1:  HAAAAAAAAA ha!

Commentator # 2:  ahhhh . . . but seriously remember that time the great legendary golfer, Arnold Palmer, was playing in the Masters and he got up on the green and he eventually putted the ball into the hole?

Commentator # 1:  An Incredible moment!

Commentator # 2:  That will forever cement the great, legendary golfer, Arnold Palmer, in the annals of golf greatness.

Commentator # 1:  What will?

Commentator # 2:  The way he putted the ball into the hole at the Masters.

Commentator # 1:  Oh that!

Commentator # 2: Yeah what did you think we were talking about?

Commentator # 1:  I thought we were talking about his hair.

Commentator # 2: No, really?  Ha ha ha!

Commentator # 1:  Ah ha haaaa!

Commentator # 2:   Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Commentator # 1:  Ah ha haaaa HA HA!

Commentator # 2:  Haaaaaaa HA!

Commentator # 1:  Ahhhhh . . . .but seriously the truly noble thing about the great, legendary golfer, Arnold Palmer, is that he came from an ordinary background in which he didn’t have to overcome anything and yet he’s arguably the best golfer who has ever lived.

Commentator # 2:  What about Tiger?

Commentator # 1:  I said arguably.

Commentator # 2:  Oh, sorry  I didn’t hear that part.

Commentator # 1: No, really?  Ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa!

Commentator # 1:   Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa HA HA!

Commentator # 1:   Ahhhh . . . . but seriously, do you know how many times the great legendary golfer Arnold Palmer has made a hole in one?

Commentator # 2:  Who would know something like that?

Commentator # 1:  I don’t know, but I bet it’s a bunch.

Commentator # 1:  Yeah probly.

Commentator # 2:  You mean probably?

Commentator # 1:  No.

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa!

Commentator # 1:   Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa HA HA!

Commentator # 1:  Haaaaaaa HA!

Commentator # 2:  Yup.  There he goes the legendary golfer Arnold Palmer!

Commentator # 1:  I wonder where he’s going?

Commentator # 2:  Probably to the bathroom.

Commentator # 1:  You mean probly?

Commentator # 1: Yup!  Ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa!

Commentator # 1:   Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Commentator # 2:  Ah ha haaaa HA HA!

 

 

Until next time . . . I love you