The Apostle Pizza Party

“Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories

Every week, Gregory goes to Sunday school.  Every week his imagination runs wild during the lessons, and every week he comes home with his own version of the story.

Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this week shall we?

 LInda Vernon humoous bible stories

The Apostle Pizza Party

After Easter, Jesus appeared to his disciples 40 times.  Nobody knows whether Jesus came to visit them once a day for 40 days, or once every other day for 80 days or twice a day for 20 days.  

Biblical Scholars have tried to work it out mathematically, but have never been able to come up with the right answer which explains why they majored in theology in college and not math.

Cloudy with a 100% Chance of Ascension

The very last time Jesus came to visit the apostles, one of them asked Jesus if he would be giving back the Kingdom to Israel, and when Jesus answered that that decision was up to His Dad, the apostles must have look disappointed because Jesus quickly added:

“But when the Holy Spirit comes upon you, you will be filled with power and you will be witnesses for me in Jerusalem, in all of Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”

This cheered the apostles up considerably because not only were they looking forward to the holy spirit coming upon them; it also meant they were going to have jobs that included travel.

After telling the apostles this, Jesus was taken up to heaven while the apostles watched Him even though a cloud was hiding Jesus from their sight.  

Biblical scholars are uncertain as to whether this cloud was intentional or if it was just the most ill-timed rain cloud in the history of mankind.

While the apostles were trying to get a glimpse of Jesus through the cloud, two men dressed in white suddenly appeared beside them and asked:

“Galileans, why are you standing here looking up at the sky?  This Jesus, who was taken from you into heaven, will come back in the same way that you saw him go to heaven.” 

If the Apostles responded by saying — “Why would that  make us not want to watch while Jesus ascends to heaven?” the bible isn’t letting us in on it.

The Apostles Go Back to Their Room

After that, the Apostles went back to Jerusalem from the Mount of Olives which the bible is sure to mention was only about a half a mile away from Jerusalem — even though the bible doesn’t say why the Mount of Olives was called the Mount of Olives in the first place. (Some scholars believe that it was because the mountain was made entirely of olives while other scholars can’t stand the taste of olives.)

Once they got back to Jerusalem, the apostles went up to the room where they were staying and all the apostles were there except for guess who?  Judas and the guy who was suppose to deliver the fig pizza.

Judas’s Untimely Demise

Everybody knew why Judas wasn’t there.  After  betraying Jesus, Judas had gained an enormous amount of weight and eventually went into a field and died from choking on a ham sandwich after which he burst open and all his insides spilled out — grossing out everyone and their goat — even including the lepers who were totally used to being grossed out.

Anyway, after praying about who should replace Judas, two clear choices emerged:  Justus and Matthias.  After praying some more, choosing lots,  rolling dice and using the Roman Applause Meter (hand cranked), it was determined that Matthias won by a clap.

Right about then the fig pizza guy finally showed up.  Everybody felt bad for the loser, Justus, so they let him help himself to the pizza first. 

 And thus Justus was served.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.  Please stop by next week to see what Gregory learns in Sunday school.

Until next time . . . I love you

Matthais get's to be the new Apostle

Current Events Coloring Pages

Dear Readers, I think you’ll agree when I say that this world doesn’t need more current events.  What this world needs is more current events coloring pages.  To that end, this blog has taken it upon itself to provide coloring pages for some of today’s true news stories.

 

While we humans today enjoy sinking our teeth into a MacDonald’s Big Mac apparently some of our ancestors ate nothing but grass.

After examining the teeth of the ape-like 2.5 million-year-old East African Hominids, researchers from the University of Barcelona and the George Washington University in Washington, D.C. have concluded that they ate mostly grass.

THE EAST AFRICAN HOMINIDS WHO ATE MOSTLY GRASS COLORING PAGE

 

East African Hominids

A new study found bees can do arithmetic. After watching bees do stuff ad nauseum, Professor Adrian Dyer found that symbols representing simple math problems were presented to bees tasked with picking the tunnel that was marked with the correct answer.  Incredibly the bees were able to get the answer right 75% of the time!

Bees Capable of Mastering Basic Math Skills Coloring Page

 

 

 

When Emily Edwards was a little girl vacationing in Wales, she stuck a message in the bottle and launched it out to sea.  Imagine her surprise when it washed up 17 years later!

Message in Bottle Thrown in Sea Found 17 Years Later Coloring Page

 

 

And that concludes the current affairs coloring pages fort day Dear Readers!  Happy Coloring!

Moses and the Murmuring Mumblers

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Gregory’s Stories. Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning shall we?

Gregory of the Bible According to Gregory Linda Vernon Humor Moses and the Murmuring Mumblers

One day, while Moses was cleaning out his closet, throwing out robes he hadn’t worn for over a year (because the same rules applied for closet cleaning in biblical days as they do today), there was a knock on the door of his tent. Of course Moses didn’t hear it, for knocking on doors made out of cloth was a rather futile endeavor even back in  biblical times.

But  Mose’s wife had excellent hearing and yelled to Moses that someone was at the door  and would he mind answering it as she was in the Bathshebaroom. So Moses answered the door but it wasn’t the Lord, it was a spy the Lord had sent to go to the land of Canaan to bring back some fruit and to find out if the people there were going to be hard or easy to slaughter on a scale of one to ten, one being cinchy and ten being No Way Jose!

The conversation might have gone something like this:

Moses:  So are the people in Canaan  going to be hard to slaughter or easy?

Spy:    Icksnay on the easy-ay

Moses:  Uh is that a yes or a no . . . my Pig Latin’s a little rusty, sorry.

Spy:  Let’s put it this way, everybody there was at least 40 cubits tall.

Moses:    I’m terrible with weights and measures, sorry . . .

Spy:  Well you know how big a grasshopper is compared to us?

Moses:   That depends . . . is a grasshopper the same as a locust?

Spy:  Well, I’ve got a grasshopper in my pocket,  see how big he is?

Moses: Oh my gosh!

Spy:  Yeah, well  that’s how big we are compared to the people we saw.

Moses:  Uh oh . . .

Spy:  Suffice it to say, Moses, that these people are a lot bigger and stronger than we are.

Moses:  Oy!  And what does suffice mean again?

Spy:  We are going to get our donkeys whooped!

Moses:  I  don’t like the sounds of that! Perhaps as a precautionary measure we should hide our asses before battle.

Spy:  Uh, I don’t think there’s  going to be any battle. On the way over here all the unwashed masses were murmuring and mumbling about how they weren’t  going to go to war.

Moses: All the unwashed masses murmured that?

Spy:  Yes and mumbled it too.

Moses:  Oy!  But what about the washed masses?

Spy:  Six of one, half a dozen of the other, you know what I mean?

Moses:  No.

Seconds later, the Lord showed up on his pillar cloud and told Moses that because the unwashed masses  didn’t want to go into battle, the Lord was going to kill each and every one of them including their children and grandchildren — then scatter their corpses across the wilderness, Moses thought it might be a good time to stage a drunk with power intervention.

So Moses tried to reason with the Lord, pointing out that if the  Lord killed everybody,  He would besmirch His reputation as a Huggable Teddy Bear Stuffed with Loving Kindness who traveled around the land in His Cloud Pillar answering  prayers and whatnot.

But the Lord was umoved by Moses’ intervention and sent everyone scurrying to go to battle with the giants of Canaan.  Naturally every Israelite that went to battle the giants was stepped on and squished  in the first three minutes and the ones that weren’t got  sprayed with Raid Israelite Spray.

It was just as well, really, because as it turns out the unwashed masses had forgotten and left the Ark of the Covenent in Moses’ tent  and a good time was had by everyone who wasn’t dead.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s installment of  The Bible According to Gregory.  Stayed to tuned next week for more biblical adventures!

Until next time . . . I love you

the Murmuring Mumblers

The Adventures of Roger the Baby

Today:  Roger’s Teeny Communication Foible

“I need your advice, Roger.” I remarked to my three-month-old baby, Roger.

“Wait until I’m through drooling.” Roger replied evenly.

“I’m hiring a babysitter.”

“Nancy, listen . . . “

“Don’t call me Nancy, Roger. Call me Mother, Roger, remember?”

“You mean you want me to call you Mother Roger Remember, Mother?”

“Oh Roger!  Your linguistics are appalling!”

“Perhaps, but no babysitter, huh?  I’ll just nap.”

“I’m acquiescing but reluctantly, Roger.”

“Oh and bring home a rattle, Nancy.”

“You mean bring home a rattle, Mother, Roger!”

“Fine! Bring home a rattle mother roger too, if you must then, Nancy.”

Roger and his mother, Nancy
Roger and his mother, Nancy

Until next time . . . I love you

The Day Jesus Made His Mom Proud

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every week Gregory goes to Sunday School and  every week he comes home and tells about what he learned.

This week Gregory learned about the first miracle that Jesus performed.

In biblical days, people were hard to get rid of.  If you invited people over for dinner (which in those days was called a feast) they would stay way too long and totally wear out their welcome.

One day Jesus and the disciples were invited to a wedding and Mary, his mother, was invited too.  (Either Joseph’s name wasn’t on the invitation or he couldn’t get the time off.)

Anyway, after the wedding everybody went over to the bridegroom’s house for some hardy feasting.  There was wine and food and music and fun and wine.

And just like today, if the wine runs out before the party is over, somebody has to do something about it.  That’s exactly what happened.

Just as Mary was going to refill her wine goblet, she overheard one of the servants  talking about how the guests were complete lushes who had drunk everything in the house including the water in the fish bowl.

“I will tell Jesus,” Mary assured the servants.

Mary wove her way through the revelers and found Jesus who was just about to belt out a rousing rendition of Amazing Grace on the Karaoke machine (hand cranked).

“They have no more wine.”  Mary announced unceremoniously.

To which Jesus replied, “Why are you telling me?” (Jesus tended to get a tiny bit sassy with his mom whenever she interrupted his Karaoke fun.)

Now Mary knew that Jesus would do something to help the people with their drinking problem (of not having anymore wine).   She ran back to the servants and said, “Whatever He tells you to do, do it.”

Once Jesus was finished singing (he was the original crooner, it was such a pity I left my heart in San Francisco hadn’t been invented yet), he looked around and saw six water pots and told the servants to fill all six jars with water which they did.

“Now,” Jesus said, “dip wine from the jar and carry it to the man who is in charge of the feast.”

Which they also did and by the time the man put the water to his lips, it had turned into the best wine the man had ever gotten drunk on!

So he called the bridegroom over and said,”Everyone else serves the best wine first, and after the guests have drunk a lot he serves the ordinary wine.  But you have kept the best wine until now.”

The man who was taking care of the feast did not know that Jesus had turned water into wine. The bridegroom did not know either.  The bridegroom just assumed that the servants had found the stash of expensive wine he had taken great pains to hide before everybody arrived.

But the servants knew and Mary knew that Jesus had performed his very first miracle.  Jesus had turned water into wine, not bum wine either, but really, really, really good wine. Mary couldn’t have been prouder!

“How’s that Jesus?”
“Keep pouring.”
“Is that enough?”
“No keep pouring!”
“Jesus! It’s going to overflow!”
“No, keep pouring, I know what I’m doing.”

 * * *

Until next time. . . I love you

Spill The Beans Saturday

Spill the Beans

 

Welcome, Dear Readers, to Spill the Beans Saturday where I confess personal things about myself that you may have suspected but you were much too polite to mention.

 

I’ve never tasted a peanut and jelly sandwich because I just intuitively know I’m not going to like it.

I think all professional sports would be vastly improved if they were all done on horseback.

I love steak, but for some reason looking at cows never makes me hungry.

I always order spaghetti with mizithra cheese whenever I go to the Spaghetti Factory but I always trip up trying to pronounce mizithra so now I just point to it on the menu like I don’t speak English.

I also can’t pronounce Quardotriticale but luckily it’s not on the Spaghetti Factory’s menu.

In the solar system, my favorite star is the sun, my favorite planet is earth and my favorite belt is the asteroid belt.

If I had a nickel for every quarter I ever had I’d have no idea how much money I’d have.  You wouldn’t happen to know would you?  (If so please don’t tell me, I’ll just feel bad.)

My favorite Spanish phrase is “Arroz con Pollo”followed closely by “mi tortilla es su tortilla.”

I would marry Norm McDonald very much.

When it comes to states that are completely surrounded by water, Hawaii is probably my favorite.

I really haven’t been that excited about space since they stopped calling it outer space.

I want to know what keeps really small hummingbirds from mating with great big dragon flies.

I’d definitely buy a bumpersticker that says “honk if you like to honk”

I think Trump should start his own line of cologne and call it:  Does it stink in here or is it just me?

 

And that concludes Spill the Beans Saturday.  Have a great day!

Bad Ideas for Kindergarten Show and Tell

Bad Ideas for Kindergarten Show and Tell

 

Ignited Crepe Suzette

 

Alien implants

 

Old stogies I have found

 

A signed copy of  Mein Kampf

 

The license plates daddy made

 

Any type of Hooch

 

Auntie Bev’s puppy jerky recipe

 

Grandpa’s Toupee

 

The Ark of the Covenant