Hello Dear Readers. It seems the cold, cruel calendar will be ushering in the Fourth of July tomorrow and before I’ll even have time to get out of bed! The calendar is such a tyrant.
Which brings us to another kind of tyranny. One that we Americans had foisted upon us on the Fourth of July 200- odd years ago by the British Empire — resulting in the Declaration of Independence!
I’d look up exactly how many years ago it was, but I think google’s closed today. . . okay, okay I’ll try . . .
Hmm. . . As it turns out google is open but judging from the answers it’s given me, everybody went home early to light firecrackers. They must have the temps working because I asked google the following question:
Hi Google, Happy 4th! Which reminds me, what were the atrocities the British Empire inflicted on the American Colonists that resulted in the Declaration of Independence?
And here’s the answers it gave me (as far as you know anyway).
1. The British Empire kept messing with the price of crumpets causing the colonists all kinds of unpleasant menu-planning issues.
“No we likee them, they’re a wonderful tuber. It’s just that we are going to have to hold off on the potato trading until we can ascertain what the crumpet situation going to be. Sorry.”
2. The Colonists did not want to be bullied into memorizing a list of all of England’s past kings and queens in American public schools.
3. If the Colonists hadn’t declared their independence, they would have had to wake up from their siestas early (see Spanish-American War) for tea time (see Atrocities of the British Empire)
4. The Colonists had a premonition they weren’t going to appreciate the humor of Monty Python.
5. The Colonists picked up on the fact that the British Empire thought they wore lame clothes and were borderline dirty.
6. The British Empire imposed a tax on Nursery Rhymes which infuriated the colonists due to the fact that none of them even rhymed very well.
7. American Colonists were vehemently opposed to using the word “row” instead of the word “fight” like the British Empire kept nagging them to do.
“Oh yeah, you want to row about it?”
“You mean do I want to fight about it.”
“Uh . . it’s called row, not fight.”
“Oh yeah? Well I hate you.”
“Well I hate you too.”
‘Let’s row about it.”
“You mean fight about it?”
“Shut up!”
“You shut up!”
Well, Dear Readers, that about does it for the Fourth of July post. I don’t know about you, but I’m already 4th-ed out!
Until next time . . . I love you
Linda Vernon Humor 