Answering the Questions From Lesson 32

Hello Dear Readers!  Join me now won’t you as we answer  Questions from Lesson 32:

Just to briefly bring you up to speed on Lesson 31 first, it apparently involved auxiliary verbs and forming negatives in the past tense.  Well, don’t even think about Lesson 31.  Because Lesson 31 is the kind of lesson that makes a person hate school with all their heart and soul and the kind of a lesson that sucks every molecule of fun out of life.  So we will think no more of it and simply go to the Lesson 32 where we are asked to answer some questions.

Ok, first of all, your question sounds a bit accusatory to me.  Are you accusing me of making the teacher sick?  I wasn’t even there the day the teacher got sick. But oh no, the minute something happens to a teacher every one points a finger at the Voodoo Practitioner!  Typical! Just because I own and operate Stick a Needle in YOUR Eye, Voodoo Sales and Service– everybody blames me for every little mysterious ache and pain.   Besides the teacher isn’t sick, the teacher is lying on an army cot in the back room in a catatonic state with a Tootsie Roll Pop in his mouth.  So stop jumping to conclusions and use your common sense for once!

Of course we saw some wild animals when we went to the park yesterday!  What are you, nuts?  In fact, there were some children going down the slide when  a huge orangutan pushed them all off and slid down himself! Ha ha!  Then little Johnny almost got gored by that charging rhino, but a miss is as good as a mile, and we all got a good laugh out of that one! (You should have seen the funny expression on both Little Johnny’s face and the charging rhino’s — it will be a long time coming deciding which one was funnier!)  So in answer to your silly question of did we see some wild animals at the park yesterday?  Duh, hello!?!  Earth to Lesson 32!

Maybe you didn’t hear. . . John was fatally injured trying to catch a toaster yesterday, and it was just too hot to drag him along.

How should I know?  I was at the zoo, remember?  You haven’t been listening to a single word, have you?

What are you stalker or something?  You seem a little obsessed with Helen.  I don’t know Helen, personally, but I bet you anything she wants you to go away and never darken her door again! (And don’t be surprised if you suddenly start experiencing some mysterious aches and pains.) If you’re not Helen’s stalker, the answers are:  yes, down the street, and about 45 minutes.

And there you have it,  Dear Readers, the answers to Lesson 32!  And here you thought you didn’t like school!
Until next time . . . I love you

Trifecta Writing Challenge: The Life and Times of Spinkz Mccoy

Here’s what the Trifecta Writing Challenge  was for this weekend:

For this weekend, we want to play on an oft-noted literary concept: that of the opening line of a book (also known as an incipit, if you’re fancy).  A great first line can reel in the audience, set the pace for the entire piece, and make for an enjoyable read right off the bat.  Conversely, a weak opening can lose readers before the characters even have a chance.  There are lots of great sites and books dealing with the idea of the incipit.  Here’s just one.

So here’s the beginning sentence to my imaginary novel:

The Life and Times of Spinkz Mccoy

Spinkz Mccoy

Used car salesman Spinkz Mccoy figured the key to his success was due to the fact that he was as honest as the day is long on the shortest day of the year.

And there you have it, Dear Reader! This challenge was a lot of fun — I highly recommend it!

Friday Comics: Our Beloved Al

Our Beloved Al

 

The Story of You and Your Sediment

As you may or may not remember (depending on the severity of your last concussion) earlier this week, my brain, Peanuts, wrote a well thought out and balanced essay weighing in on the pros and cons of death.  If you missed it,  Peanuts is happy to summarize it for you as follows:

The pros and cons of death are that death sucks and there aren’t any pros. 

So today, in keeping with our “death theme”, my brain, Peanuts would like to take a few minutes of your time (or a few hours depending on how fast you read since the concussion) to discuss how growing older changes the actual “sediment” in your aging body.

 Time out for Science

But first, let’s step back a little and explain what my brain, Peanuts, means by a “sediment” in scientific terms.  Wait a minute . . . what’s that Peanuts?  Oh, sorry, Dear Reader, Peanuts doesn’t want to do that.  Ok, fine.

The Unscientific Explanation of Sediment

When you are born, your body is like a pristine glass of water with nothing in it but a teeny-weeny bit of cute, adorable sediment.

A slightly dirty glass of water
“Congratulations! It’s a glass of water!”

Another name for sediment is star stuff  which is what we are all actually made of (as the Science Channel just loves to tell us).  And since the universe has to store all this star stuff somewhere, it stores it in our bodies as sediment.

So because we are made of star stuff, naturally our newborn vessels are going to have a little bit of sediment in them.  But just a scosche . . . I’m holding up my index finger and thumb right now for emphasis — and if you could just see how close together they were, you’d say “oh Pshaw! Who cares?”

Now Let’s Fast Forward to Age 60.

OK, by now the average body has collected so much sediment, that if you were to look closely at your eyes, you’d be able to detect a very faint line about half way up your eyeball that is your Sediment Indicator Light.

At 60, your  Sediment Indicator will read “full”.  This means you are now completely full of it, when it comes to sediment and/or star stuff.

“Yup, I’m full of it alright!”

 Which means that even if you were to miraculously get down to what you weighed in high school, none of your jeans would fit like they used to– which means you wouldn’t look your hip in those new jeans, you would simply look like a scrawny 60-year-old lady or man who robbed some jeans from their granddaughter’s or grandson’s closet.  And there is absolutely nothing either you or the Science Channel can do about it.

And that, Dear Reader, is the bitter pill that needs to be swallowed on a regular basis from here on out!
Until next time  . . . .I love you anyway

P.S.  If you have any problems with any of the above, please take it up with the Science Channel.

Thrift Store Finds: Andy the Handy Anal Retentive Man

Hello Dear Readers! I had a little extra time on my hands the other day, and I just happened to be driving by the thrift store, so I dashed in for a second and came away the proud new owner of:

Handy Andy Magazine from 1980!

Now before you go thinking that Handy Andy is one of those guys who pretends to be a Handy Man as a way of getting inside your house, scoping out the place and coming back at a more convenient time to steal all your possessions and  murder you, you would be wrong.

After carefully perusing this  Pocket-Size Do It Yourself Guide for Everyone for blood stains and having found none, I have come to the conclusion that Andy isn’t a murderer at all but simply a misunderstood Anal Retentive handy man who can get a little peevish if somebody messes with his tools.

Let’s take a look inside shall we?

Here are some 1980 anal retentive tips sent in by some 1980 Handy Andy Magazine’s anal retentive readers:

Andrew Vena Has an Anal Retentive Suggestion to save you money!

Andrew Vena suggests reusing sanding disks by cleaning them off!  It easy! You just:  1) scrape off the ridges with a knife 2) apply varnish remover 3)wait for paint to soften 4) hold the sanding disk under running water 5) remove goo with a wire brush and viola! the sanding disk will be as good as new saving you, the handyman or woman, the cost of a new sanding disk! And the best part?  Every time you reuse that sanding disk, you’ll be pocketing a cool 35 cents instead of forking it over to The Man!

Mrs. Jane Johnson Writes Poignantly about Shelf Protectors!

Who else but Mrs. Jane Johnson of Minnetonka could have thought of this ingenious  idea!  And that is to put the plastic lids of cans that came with plastic lids on the bottom of other cans that didn’t come with plastic lids so that the cans that didn’t come with plastic lids can go under the cans with . . or maybe over the cans that, uh  . . .   oh who cares, she’s probably dead anyway!

Here’s a dandy Handy Andy Anal Retentive Tip from Wilfred Beaver of Sparta Wis.!

Apparently Wilfred Beaver’s shower is on the fritz again because he has to wash his hair in a lavatory and his dog’s hair in the bathtub and vice versa.  And apparently Wilfred Beaver’s hair follicles are bailing out in record numbers every time he washes his hair in the lavatory and/or bathtub which has caused Wilfred Beaver to feel the need to dam his lavatory drain with “a wad of steel wood.”  Oh sure it sounds gross, but it’s the kind of activity that keeps Wilfred Beaver busy. And Mrs. Wilfred Beaver isn’t complaining — so why should we?

Well, Dear Readers, that’s all the anal retentive Handy Andy tips we have time for today, but check back in  tomorrow when we will be having fun explaining some of the mysterious illustrations (dont’ worry they’re not bloodstains, I’m pretty sure)  included our 1980 Handy Andy Magazine!

Until next time . . . I love you

Death on Deck

I’ve noticed lately that a lot of my writing seems to have taken on a death theme.  I don’t know whether to blame myself or my brain, Peanuts.

Maybe it’s just that Peanuts and I are getting older; and when you get to be our age, the future isn’t as wide open and expansive as it used to be.

Peanuts and I have reached the crest of the hill of life, whereupon it’s all downhill from here on out.  Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying the ride down that hill (in a car without any brakes) to one’s final destination (a drop off to the unknown) isn’t fun, as such.

I’m just saying that once you’re hurtling down that hill in the Death Car of Life, the scenery is going by way too fast.  Which is ironic because when you get older, you tend to want to go slower and dwell on the little details of life, like shrubbery, or the quality of the current garbage service or whether or not they overcharged you for that ham.

“Will you hurry up! You’re going to die in an hour and a half!”
“I know, but look at these shrubs!”

When you get to be Peanuts and my age, you’re Christopher Columbus looking through the para-scope and spotting West Indies only instead of spotting the West Indies you’re spotting death.

Oh sure, you’re not there yet, but Death (and/or the West Indies) is looming on the horizon as big as life!

Gulp!

What Peanuts and I usually do when we find ourselves thinking about death is try not to think about death.  And amazingly, this tactic actually works. The thought process goes something like this:

Someday I’m going to die, which means I won’t exist anymore, which means I’ll be dead which means everything I have ever done in my life and everyone and everything I have ever loved in my life will be kaput and I shall never, EVER pass this way again . . . OK, well I guess I’ll go vacuum now.

When you really think about it, death is what motivates the human race to accomplish things because when we’re really busy getting a lot stuff done, it’s a lot easier to pretend we are never going to die.

I only hope that when it’s Peanuts and my turn to be sucked through that tunnel towards the light, that everything on the other side will have lived up to the term “to die for”.

Until next time  . . . I love you

The Pottery Barn Decor That Will Make You More Intriguing

Dear Readers!  The new Pottery Barn Catalog just arrived and not a moment too soon!  For you see, in this issue of The Catalog, Pottery Barn finally provides solutions to how we, as boring, ordinary citizens, can become more intriguing!

“Your Home Tells the Intriguing Story of who you are, where you’ve been and what inspires you most.” — Pottery Barn Catalog August 2012

What Pottery Barn means by this is that your home WILL tell an intriguing story of how intriguing you are IF you purchase fake-intriguing-story-about-you decor from Pottery Barn.

Frankly, PB suspects you’re not all that intriguing which is why Pottery Barn has taken the liberty of punching up your life through the use of decor that implies you are all that and a bag of potato chips. Let’s look as some examples, shall we?

What fake, intriguing story do the decorative elements in this Pottery Barn room say about you?

The intriguing story this Pottery Barn wall decor says about you is:

  You don’t quite understand about the alphabet. 

Oh sure we all learned our ABC’s . . . except for you.  Why?  Because you were too busy helping Grams hunt for truffles at Martha’s Vineyard and, therefore, never attended school with all the other “saps” which means you can’t read or write. So now you obsessively nail gigantic wooden letters to your walls.  So what? That’s not weird, it’s intriguing!

The intriguing story this Pottery Barn vignette says about you is:

You’re favorite snack is honey and shredded Parmesan cheese.

Ah! Nothing quenches the thirst and eases the hunger pangs quite like a refreshing jar of honey and a big ol’ heaping bowl of shredded Parmesan cheese after a long day of helping Grams frantically dig for truffles at Martha’s Vineyard in the backyard estates of the rich and famous before they come home.

You and Grams prefer a snack that sticks to your ribs, your fingers as well as your Pottery Barn Vintage Printer’s Customizable Cabinet!  Oh sure, let people roll their eyes at how messy you are!  That’s the difference between them and you.  They’re stupid, and YOU’RE INTRIGUING!

The  intriguing story this Pottery Barn Blackboard says about you is:

Your grandmother is a drug dealer.

If you look closely at this blackboard, you will see that somebody has written “EMPTY Da Da Da Da.”  and  “Do EMPTY 4” 

And you know you didn’t write it because you are too intriguing to know how to read and write.  Could it have been Grams?

Wait a minute why are the police leading Grams out to that police car?

What? All those truffles Grams was digging up (and sampling) turned out to be hallucinogenic mushrooms which she apparently was selling to earn money to purchase intriguing-story-about-you decor from Pottery Barn?

Ha ha!  That Grams!  While most grandmothers are sitting at home in their rocker knitting sweaters, reading  Reader’s Digest and clipping coupons, YOUR Grams is trading cigarettes, working out and filing appeals!

And if that doesn’t make YOU intriguing, Pottery Barn doesn’t know what does!

Until next time . . . I love you