Answering the Questions From Lesson 32

Hello Dear Readers!  Join me now won’t you as we answer  Questions from Lesson 32:

Just to briefly bring you up to speed on Lesson 31 first, it apparently involved auxiliary verbs and forming negatives in the past tense.  Well, don’t even think about Lesson 31.  Because Lesson 31 is the kind of lesson that makes a person hate school with all their heart and soul and the kind of a lesson that sucks every molecule of fun out of life.  So we will think no more of it and simply go to the Lesson 32 where we are asked to answer some questions.

Ok, first of all, your question sounds a bit accusatory to me.  Are you accusing me of making the teacher sick?  I wasn’t even there the day the teacher got sick. But oh no, the minute something happens to a teacher every one points a finger at the Voodoo Practitioner!  Typical! Just because I own and operate Stick a Needle in YOUR Eye, Voodoo Sales and Service– everybody blames me for every little mysterious ache and pain.   Besides the teacher isn’t sick, the teacher is lying on an army cot in the back room in a catatonic state with a Tootsie Roll Pop in his mouth.  So stop jumping to conclusions and use your common sense for once!

Of course we saw some wild animals when we went to the park yesterday!  What are you, nuts?  In fact, there were some children going down the slide when  a huge orangutan pushed them all off and slid down himself! Ha ha!  Then little Johnny almost got gored by that charging rhino, but a miss is as good as a mile, and we all got a good laugh out of that one! (You should have seen the funny expression on both Little Johnny’s face and the charging rhino’s — it will be a long time coming deciding which one was funnier!)  So in answer to your silly question of did we see some wild animals at the park yesterday?  Duh, hello!?!  Earth to Lesson 32!

Maybe you didn’t hear. . . John was fatally injured trying to catch a toaster yesterday, and it was just too hot to drag him along.

How should I know?  I was at the zoo, remember?  You haven’t been listening to a single word, have you?

What are you stalker or something?  You seem a little obsessed with Helen.  I don’t know Helen, personally, but I bet you anything she wants you to go away and never darken her door again! (And don’t be surprised if you suddenly start experiencing some mysterious aches and pains.) If you’re not Helen’s stalker, the answers are:  yes, down the street, and about 45 minutes.

And there you have it,  Dear Readers, the answers to Lesson 32!  And here you thought you didn’t like school!
Until next time . . . I love you

Trifecta Writing Challenge: The Life and Times of Spinkz Mccoy

Here’s what the Trifecta Writing Challenge  was for this weekend:

For this weekend, we want to play on an oft-noted literary concept: that of the opening line of a book (also known as an incipit, if you’re fancy).  A great first line can reel in the audience, set the pace for the entire piece, and make for an enjoyable read right off the bat.  Conversely, a weak opening can lose readers before the characters even have a chance.  There are lots of great sites and books dealing with the idea of the incipit.  Here’s just one.

So here’s the beginning sentence to my imaginary novel:

The Life and Times of Spinkz Mccoy

Spinkz Mccoy

Used car salesman Spinkz Mccoy figured the key to his success was due to the fact that he was as honest as the day is long on the shortest day of the year.

And there you have it, Dear Reader! This challenge was a lot of fun — I highly recommend it!

Friday Comics: Our Beloved Al

Our Beloved Al


The Story of You and Your Sediment

As you may or may not remember (depending on the severity of your last concussion) earlier this week, my brain, Peanuts, wrote a well thought out and balanced essay weighing in on the pros and cons of death.  If you missed it,  Peanuts is happy to summarize it for you as follows:

The pros and cons of death are that death sucks and there aren’t any pros. 

So today, in keeping with our “death theme”, my brain, Peanuts would like to take a few minutes of your time (or a few hours depending on how fast you read since the concussion) to discuss how growing older changes the actual “sediment” in your aging body.

 Time out for Science

But first, let’s step back a little and explain what my brain, Peanuts, means by a “sediment” in scientific terms.  Wait a minute . . . what’s that Peanuts?  Oh, sorry, Dear Reader, Peanuts doesn’t want to do that.  Ok, fine.

The Unscientific Explanation of Sediment

When you are born, your body is like a pristine glass of water with nothing in it but a teeny-weeny bit of cute, adorable sediment.

A slightly dirty glass of water
“Congratulations! It’s a glass of water!”

Another name for sediment is star stuff  which is what we are all actually made of (as the Science Channel just loves to tell us).  And since the universe has to store all this star stuff somewhere, it stores it in our bodies as sediment.

So because we are made of star stuff, naturally our newborn vessels are going to have a little bit of sediment in them.  But just a scosche . . . I’m holding up my index finger and thumb right now for emphasis — and if you could just see how close together they were, you’d say “oh Pshaw! Who cares?”

Now Let’s Fast Forward to Age 60.

OK, by now the average body has collected so much sediment, that if you were to look closely at your eyes, you’d be able to detect a very faint line about half way up your eyeball that is your Sediment Indicator Light.

At 60, your  Sediment Indicator will read “full”.  This means you are now completely full of it, when it comes to sediment and/or star stuff.

“Yup, I’m full of it alright!”

 Which means that even if you were to miraculously get down to what you weighed in high school, none of your jeans would fit like they used to– which means you wouldn’t look your hip in those new jeans, you would simply look like a scrawny 60-year-old lady or man who robbed some jeans from their granddaughter’s or grandson’s closet.  And there is absolutely nothing either you or the Science Channel can do about it.

And that, Dear Reader, is the bitter pill that needs to be swallowed on a regular basis from here on out!
Until next time  . . . .I love you anyway

P.S.  If you have any problems with any of the above, please take it up with the Science Channel.

Thrift Store Finds: Andy the Handy Anal Retentive Man

Hello Dear Readers! I had a little extra time on my hands the other day, and I just happened to be driving by the thrift store, so I dashed in for a second and came away the proud new owner of:

Handy Andy Magazine from 1980!

Now before you go thinking that Handy Andy is one of those guys who pretends to be a Handy Man as a way of getting inside your house, scoping out the place and coming back at a more convenient time to steal all your possessions and  murder you, you would be wrong.

After carefully perusing this  Pocket-Size Do It Yourself Guide for Everyone for blood stains and having found none, I have come to the conclusion that Andy isn’t a murderer at all but simply a misunderstood Anal Retentive handy man who can get a little peevish if somebody messes with his tools.

Let’s take a look inside shall we?

Here are some 1980 anal retentive tips sent in by some 1980 Handy Andy Magazine’s anal retentive readers:

Andrew Vena Has an Anal Retentive Suggestion to save you money!

Andrew Vena suggests reusing sanding disks by cleaning them off!  It easy! You just:  1) scrape off the ridges with a knife 2) apply varnish remover 3)wait for paint to soften 4) hold the sanding disk under running water 5) remove goo with a wire brush and viola! the sanding disk will be as good as new saving you, the handyman or woman, the cost of a new sanding disk! And the best part?  Every time you reuse that sanding disk, you’ll be pocketing a cool 35 cents instead of forking it over to The Man!

Mrs. Jane Johnson Writes Poignantly about Shelf Protectors!

Who else but Mrs. Jane Johnson of Minnetonka could have thought of this ingenious  idea!  And that is to put the plastic lids of cans that came with plastic lids on the bottom of other cans that didn’t come with plastic lids so that the cans that didn’t come with plastic lids can go under the cans with . . or maybe over the cans that, uh  . . .   oh who cares, she’s probably dead anyway!

Here’s a dandy Handy Andy Anal Retentive Tip from Wilfred Beaver of Sparta Wis.!

Apparently Wilfred Beaver’s shower is on the fritz again because he has to wash his hair in a lavatory and his dog’s hair in the bathtub and vice versa.  And apparently Wilfred Beaver’s hair follicles are bailing out in record numbers every time he washes his hair in the lavatory and/or bathtub which has caused Wilfred Beaver to feel the need to dam his lavatory drain with “a wad of steel wood.”  Oh sure it sounds gross, but it’s the kind of activity that keeps Wilfred Beaver busy. And Mrs. Wilfred Beaver isn’t complaining — so why should we?

Well, Dear Readers, that’s all the anal retentive Handy Andy tips we have time for today, but check back in  tomorrow when we will be having fun explaining some of the mysterious illustrations (dont’ worry they’re not bloodstains, I’m pretty sure)  included our 1980 Handy Andy Magazine!

Until next time . . . I love you

Death on Deck

I’ve noticed lately that a lot of my writing seems to have taken on a death theme.  I don’t know whether to blame myself or my brain, Peanuts.

Maybe it’s just that Peanuts and I are getting older; and when you get to be our age, the future isn’t as wide open and expansive as it used to be.

Peanuts and I have reached the crest of the hill of life, whereupon it’s all downhill from here on out.  Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying the ride down that hill (in a car without any brakes) to one’s final destination (a drop off to the unknown) isn’t fun, as such.

I’m just saying that once you’re hurtling down that hill in the Death Car of Life, the scenery is going by way too fast.  Which is ironic because when you get older, you tend to want to go slower and dwell on the little details of life, like shrubbery, or the quality of the current garbage service or whether or not they overcharged you for that ham.

“Will you hurry up! You’re going to die in an hour and a half!”
“I know, but look at these shrubs!”

When you get to be Peanuts and my age, you’re Christopher Columbus looking through the para-scope and spotting West Indies only instead of spotting the West Indies you’re spotting death.

Oh sure, you’re not there yet, but Death (and/or the West Indies) is looming on the horizon as big as life!


What Peanuts and I usually do when we find ourselves thinking about death is try not to think about death.  And amazingly, this tactic actually works. The thought process goes something like this:

Someday I’m going to die, which means I won’t exist anymore, which means I’ll be dead which means everything I have ever done in my life and everyone and everything I have ever loved in my life will be kaput and I shall never, EVER pass this way again . . . OK, well I guess I’ll go vacuum now.

When you really think about it, death is what motivates the human race to accomplish things because when we’re really busy getting a lot stuff done, it’s a lot easier to pretend we are never going to die.

I only hope that when it’s Peanuts and my turn to be sucked through that tunnel towards the light, that everything on the other side will have lived up to the term “to die for”.

Until next time  . . . I love you

The Pottery Barn Decor That Will Make You More Intriguing

Dear Readers!  The new Pottery Barn Catalog just arrived and not a moment too soon!  For you see, in this issue of The Catalog, Pottery Barn finally provides solutions to how we, as boring, ordinary citizens, can become more intriguing!

“Your Home Tells the Intriguing Story of who you are, where you’ve been and what inspires you most.” — Pottery Barn Catalog August 2012

What Pottery Barn means by this is that your home WILL tell an intriguing story of how intriguing you are IF you purchase fake-intriguing-story-about-you decor from Pottery Barn.

Frankly, PB suspects you’re not all that intriguing which is why Pottery Barn has taken the liberty of punching up your life through the use of decor that implies you are all that and a bag of potato chips. Let’s look as some examples, shall we?

What fake, intriguing story do the decorative elements in this Pottery Barn room say about you?

The intriguing story this Pottery Barn wall decor says about you is:

  You don’t quite understand about the alphabet. 

Oh sure we all learned our ABC’s . . . except for you.  Why?  Because you were too busy helping Grams hunt for truffles at Martha’s Vineyard and, therefore, never attended school with all the other “saps” which means you can’t read or write. So now you obsessively nail gigantic wooden letters to your walls.  So what? That’s not weird, it’s intriguing!

The intriguing story this Pottery Barn vignette says about you is:

You’re favorite snack is honey and shredded Parmesan cheese.

Ah! Nothing quenches the thirst and eases the hunger pangs quite like a refreshing jar of honey and a big ol’ heaping bowl of shredded Parmesan cheese after a long day of helping Grams frantically dig for truffles at Martha’s Vineyard in the backyard estates of the rich and famous before they come home.

You and Grams prefer a snack that sticks to your ribs, your fingers as well as your Pottery Barn Vintage Printer’s Customizable Cabinet!  Oh sure, let people roll their eyes at how messy you are!  That’s the difference between them and you.  They’re stupid, and YOU’RE INTRIGUING!

The  intriguing story this Pottery Barn Blackboard says about you is:

Your grandmother is a drug dealer.

If you look closely at this blackboard, you will see that somebody has written “EMPTY Da Da Da Da.”  and  “Do EMPTY 4” 

And you know you didn’t write it because you are too intriguing to know how to read and write.  Could it have been Grams?

Wait a minute why are the police leading Grams out to that police car?

What? All those truffles Grams was digging up (and sampling) turned out to be hallucinogenic mushrooms which she apparently was selling to earn money to purchase intriguing-story-about-you decor from Pottery Barn?

Ha ha!  That Grams!  While most grandmothers are sitting at home in their rocker knitting sweaters, reading  Reader’s Digest and clipping coupons, YOUR Grams is trading cigarettes, working out and filing appeals!

And if that doesn’t make YOU intriguing, Pottery Barn doesn’t know what does!

Until next time . . . I love you

Roast in a Nutshell: The Darker Side of My Brain Peanuts Returns

Sometimes, when life hands you lemonade, you have to take that lemonade and you have to turn it back into lemons again because you’re just in that kind of a mood.  Which means, Dear Reader, that it is once again time for:

Roast in a Nutshell, the Darker Side of My Brain Peanuts

(A title that was the brainstorm of my cyberdaughter, Lizzie, at runningnakedwithscissors)

artists rendering of darkside peanuts

Today’s topic:  Dealing with people who think Peanuts is old.

Things Darkside Peanuts Should be Allowed to Do Without Any Consequences When It comes to dealing with people who think Peanuts is old.

Darkside Peanuts  should be allowed to trip clerks in the electronics department of Frys who explain something to Peanuts like Peanuts is senile and then wrap up their sales pitch by adding “this is what all our elderly customers prefer.”

Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to send sneezing powder (aka anthrax) in the return envelope of all AARP offers that are offering Peanuts one last chance to get insurance before Peanuts shrivels up and dies.

Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to pinch a tad too hard, the cheeks of teenage baggers at the grocery store who remark, while bagging Peanuts groceries, that their grandma — or even their great grandma — likes the same product Peanuts does.

Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to scribble lipstick all over the faces of dismissive twenty-something cosmetic-counter girls who imply that Peanuts looks so old there’s really nothing that can be done about it.

Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to pull the transaction box off its stand and throw it at clerks who automatically assume Peanuts is too old and too far gone with the Alzheimer’s to know to slide the card and push the green button without being told (for the millionth time . . . sigh) to do so.

Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to mess up the hairdo of clerks who take a good look at Peanuts and then suggest that Peanuts take advantage of their 55-years-and-older senior discount even though Peanuts is 55-years-and-older.

Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to yank the trendy ponytails of the girls who work at Starbucks whose words are saying, “may I help you” but whose tone is saying  Oh great! Another old lady who refuses to speak Starbucks.

Darkside Peanuts should be allowed to put Peanuts’ car in reverse and bash into the kid who is driving the car behind Peanuts who is honking at Peanuts to take a free right turn at a red light because they think Peanuts is too old and too cowardly to do so –even though Peanuts IS too old and too cowardly to do so.

Phew!  Darkside Peanuts feels much better having gotten all that off Darkside Peanuts’ shell.

Until next time . . . I love you

Ten Reasons Why You Might Be Feeling Fat

You have a tendency to eat breakfast four times.

The only equipment you keep in your home gym are a treadmill and a chocolate pie.

Your dog leads a scrap-less life.

a sad pug
“My owner sucks!”

You’ve traded in all your P’s and Q’s for M and M’s.

Trading post sign
“But I gave you ten P’s and Q’s and you only gave me seven M and M’s.”
“Listen, bub, nobody ever said life was fair.”

Your idea of the great outdoors is standing under the air conditioning vent at Mrs. Fields.

Your bathroom scales have filed assault and battery charges against you.

lady standing on bathroom scales
“If you don’t get off me right this second, lady, I’m calling the authorities!”

You only have 34 payments left on your last McDonald’s drive-thru.

McDonald's Mcdrive
“Are you ready to order?”
“No I’m just here to make a payment.”

Whenever you get tough and declare you’re going to lick something, it always turns out to be a Tootsie Roll Pop.

You brake for cake!

woman in an cheesy auto accident
“How’d it happen?”
“She was braking for cake.”

And the number one reason why you might be feeling fat:

You are fat.


Until next time . . . I love you

Science Shannigans

Cartoon of Einstein calculating math

Hello Dear Readers! Today we are going to break  out our test tubes, put on our lab coats and push our glasses farther up on our noses to examine actual science stories from the around the web.

Of course, I have taken the liberty of paraphrasing and punching up things up a bit to make it, you know, more interesting.

After Checking All the Evidence, No Evidence Has Been Found

In an effort to reassure itself that there are no such things as mermaids, the US National Ocean Service has announced that no evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found.  They would have said that there are no such things as mermaids but they thought  “aquatic humanoids” sounded more like they are providing a worthwhile service to American Citizens for which they really do deserve a weekly paycheck.

It’s a rock . . .No it’s a boulder . . . .NO! IT’S A MOON

A team of astronomers who were taking turns looking into the Hubble Telescope found another big boulder about 15 miles across orbiting Pluto. The fifth one so far!!  In a scientific burst of creativity, they have decided to call it P5.

In an effort to figure out why anybody would care, the astronomers came up with the following:

“The new detection will help scientists navigate NASA’s New Horizons spacecraft through the Pluto system in 2015. . . “

Apparently the New Horizons spacecraft is hurtling through space at such a tremendous speed that something the size of a BB hitting it could destroy it.

Astronomers are secretly happy about this turn of events because now instead of just sitting around playing Twenty Quasars and waiting for New Horizons to get to Pluto; they also get to take turns looking through Hubble Telescope for objects orbiting Pluto the size of BB’s.

Don’t Get The Moon in Your Eyes

An international team of researchers who needed something to do while waiting for their uniforms to dry, decided to speculate how bad breathing in lunar dust would be.

After exhaustively utilizing their brains’ capacity to think while ingesting large quantities of beer and pizza, they decided  that “inhaling lunar dust by breathing it into your lungs could increase the risk of  cancer”  and “getting lunar dust into your eyes could cause eye irritation.”

The international team of researchers somehow managed to stumble back to the lab and type up two white papers entitled: The Health Hazards of Inhaling Lunar Dust While Gasping for Air” and “Scratching Ones Eyes Out While Gasping For Air With Lunar Dust on Ones Hands Can Lead to Eye Irritation” before passing out into  a big heap of international researchers on the lab floor.

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  I  hope that this summary of the latest Science Shenanigans has helped us to better understand ourselves and the world around us!

Until next time. . . I love you

Sunday School Dropout Bible Stories: The Story of Noah

“Think we’ll all fit?”
“I don’t know, I was asking around and the Unicorns don’t seem to think so.”

A very, very, very, very long time ago (biblical scholars disagree on the exact amount of  verys) there was a man named Noah who was very ,very, very old (here three verys is widely accepted).

Back in the day when Noah lived, lifespans were much longer — and nobody fell and couldn’t get up until they were well past 500 years old.

When Noah was 500 years old, he had three sons which meant he was raising teens when he was 513 years old — proving that wisdom doesn’t always come with age. (His sons were named Shem, Ham and Japheth which ALL biblical scholars agree were horrible names.)

During these years, the people of earth were basically running hog wild, some people were giants, some people were supernatural beings and some people were goats. The whole kit and kaboodle was  just one big, fat, ugly mess.  You don’t even want to know the details! Whenever God looked down on the earth, He just felt sick, so He decided to cause a great flood and start again from scratch.

But God really liked Noah because Noah was well-mannered, and agreeable and laughed at all his jokes.

God told Noah what his plans were.

God:  Hello Noah?  It’s me, God, say, I was just thinking I would destroy everybody on earth because they are all so evil, you know what I mean?

Noah:  Oh absolutely! Definitely! I don’t blame you one bit! Ha ha!

God:  Yes, well, I’ve decided to let you live.

Noah:  Who moi?  Aw shucks, thanks God!

God:  Not a problem. Anyway, you need to build an ark 450 feet long and 75 feet wide and 45 feet high leaving 18 inches between the roof and the . . . are you writing this down?

Noah:  No

God:  Ok, I’ll wait while you go find a pencil.

While God was waiting on Noah, he couldn’t help looking around.  Golden idols and empty wine jugs were strewn everywhere, the lute and harp music was blaring so loud God couldn’t hear Himself think, and everyone was shouting, “gimme! gimme! gimme!” at the top of their lungs;  plus there was a lot of pushing and shoving and strangling going on.

God was happy when Noah finally came back with his pencil.


God:  Okay, Noah, let’s summarize.  I’ve given you specific, detailed instructions for you to build an ark, AND put two of every animal aboard. So read back what you’ve got.

Noah:  Oh sure!  Absolutely!  Let’s see here . . . you want me to build a boat-

God:  NO! Not a boat!  An Ark!  I want you to build an ARK !

Noah:  Ok, Ok, I’m erasing!  Let’s see . . . and you want me to put three of every kind of animal on board and–

God:  Not THREE!  TWO you idiot!

Noah:  OK, OK, I’m erasing already! . . .two. . .  you . . .  idiot— is there one or two t’s in idiot?

Oy! thought God.


After the flood dried up, and Noah got off the ark, the first thing he did was plant a vineyard.  Then he made some wine, got swacked, got naked, staggered to his tent and passed out.

The bible fails to mention what God thought of this.  Most scholars think it was OY!

“Noah! Are you just going to leave us here?”
“Was it something we said?”
“Has anybody seen my golden idol?”

Until next time . . . I love you

Friday Comics: Our Beloved Al

Our Beloved Al

Until next time . . . I love you

Save Room for Schuh!

“Sometimes I just want to punch you!”
“What? But wwwhhhyyy???”

Hello Dear Readers!

I found this wonderful Viennese Folk Dancing LP at the thrift store for us to examine more closely.  Let’s take a little look see, shall we?

Viennese Dances “Ya!”

Here we have a collection of Viennese dance-songs which are sung by Austrian man peasants while other Austrian peasants perform intricate Viennese folk dances.

Well now!  Isn’t that a fine kettle of Neujahrsschießen!

I may not know much about the country of Austria, but that definitely doesn’t stop me from thinking I do.  Here’s my best guess about what the Viennese songs and folk dances featured on this LP might be about:

First up is the hauntingly beautiful —

Hochzeitmarsch aus Ebensee (from Tanze)

This ironic folk dance opens with the Austrian peasant, Hoch, who is wading in the marsh when he becomes stuck in the mud clear up to his eben, see?  And a beautiful peasant girl, Aus from Tanze,  grabs him — and in a series of complicated twists — manages to free his eben, see?  The act of which paralyzes Hoch for the rest of his life, even though Hoch inexplicably retains the full use of his eben, see? Which is probably where the irony comes in but nobody is really sure what’s going on so maybe not.

Next is the surprisingly poignant:

Schuhplattler (from Bauernmusi)

Austrian Peasant Mrs. Butterhorn dances exuberantly past all the young maidens in the village of Bauernmusi carrying a large plattler of schuh.  The maidens  jump and twirl for joy as Mrs. Butterhorn carries her plattler of Schuh through the village square where they all gaily sit down at the annual Neujahrsschießen Feast and everybody partakes heartily and dies shortly thereafter from food poisoning which everybody blamed on a bad batch of Schuh.  Things are pretty much downhill from there on out.  If you ever decide to go to a live performance of Schuhplattler, definitely plan to leave at the intermission.

And finally, a story that is near and dear to all our hearts:

Guggu Polka

Of all the music and dancing performed on this LP, Guggu Polka is perhaps the most well known.  We join our revelers just as Austria’s most famous seafaring explorer, Guggu Polka shimmies his way into town in celebration of his historic discovery that there is absolutely no way to get to the ocean from Austria.  His crew of 18 sailors do a fantastic kick line while dragging the would-be seafaring vessel christened The Hokey Pokey along behind them. Then the villagers put their right foot in and put their right foot out and that’s when Guggu Polka trips and dies.  It may not have a happy ending, but sometimes that’s what it’s all about.

Until next time . . . I Bauerngalopp you

“That is the lamest high five I’ve ever seen!”

Friday Comics: Our Beloved Al

Our Beloved Al

Until next time . . . I love you

Archaeology Headlines: Breaking News About What Happened a Really Long Time Ago!

Pottery Fragments Discovered by Archaeologists from China and France (Who Got Along Really Well!)

A team of Chinese archaeologists working side by side with a team of French Archaeologists and only sometimes getting in each other’s way,  have discovered pottery fragments in a cave in Maiden, China now thought to be 20,000 years older than the pottery fragments of the Chinese family who are currently living in the cave.

“The pottery was probably used to cook food and/or water in.” Dr. Wang Lung Wang has been interpreted as saying by French Archaeologist, Jacques Pierre Jacques who claims to speak Chinese.

Pottery fragment of hunter gatherer who wasn’t very careful with his pottery.

“The pottery was used by hunter gatherers,” added Jacques Pierre Jacques, who holds a one-year Doctor of Archaeology Certificate from Yoplait Community College and who has been a leader in hunting and gathering pottery fragments of hunter gatherers for the last 37 years (except for the year he had to have his spleen removed).

In an unprecedented display of cooperation between French Archaeologists and Chinese Archaeologists, both teams agreed everyday during the excavation to order a large pepperoni pizza with olives and green peppers and split it so that both teams got exactly the same amount of slices.

The Oldest Known Rock Art in Britain Has Finally Been Discovered.

A team of French Archaeologists led by Renowned French Archaeologist, Jacques Pierre Jacques, (see above) has stumbled upon the oldest known rock art in Britain.  After tripping over some pottery fragments in a cave in Shrapnailshire, England,  Jacques Pierre Jacques (who has a terrible time seeing in the dark) stumbled upon a rendering of either a mosquito or a bison — he is unable to ascertain which one for certain until the French Archaeologists Team flashlight arrives.

Cave drawing of a mosquito or bison thought to be either 20,000 or 72, 000 years old by Jacques Pierre Jacques.

Gold Coins of the Past

Thirty Seven old gold coins produced in Holland were discovered underneath some oily rags in the basement of 1515 Cherry Rose Lane, Ottoman, Canada by Renowned French Archaeologist, Jacques Pierre Jacques while he was residing at the home of his brother-in-law, Pierre Jacques Pierre,  until some personal business of Jacques Pierre Jacques (which can all be explained) is cleared up.

Jacques Pierre Jacques estimates the coins to be worth somewhere in the neighborhood of  $25,000 in today’s dollars (Canadian).  The coins are thought to date back to the year 1732 because that is the year that is engraved on each of the coins; but Jacques Pierre Jacques insists on delivering the valuable coins, personally, to the lab for carbon dating.

Jacques Pierre Jacques has promised his brother-in-law that nothing untoward will happen to the gold coins on the way there and has even sworn as much on a stack of bibles that were produced shortly before the dawn of the middle ages.

Humorous Archaeology Happenings!

Last week in Ibuprofen, Germany,  a team of French Archeologists lead by Jacques Pierre Jacques unearthed the grave of what they thought was going to be the remains of a viking pillager villager –but turned out, instead, to be the remains of Mrs.Gustav Heidelburg who was buried just last Wednesday.

A good laugh was had by all!

Until next time . . . I love you