Gregory’s Bible Stories: God Circum Sizes Up Abram

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every Sunday Gregory attends Sunday school and every Sunday he comes home and retells what he learned.  

Today Gregory learned about how God’s covenant with Abraham.

Linda Vernon Humor, the bible according to gregory, humorous bible stories



God Circum Sizes Up Abram

One biblical day, Abram, who was 99 years young, was sitting in the entrance to his tent, when God appeared to him so Abram bowed down with his face touching the ground.

God:  Good news Abram!  But before I tell you, you want one of my Cheetos?

Abram:  Oh no thanks, they make my fingers orange.

God:  Really?  Anyways, Abram, I appeared because I’ve decided I will make a covenant with you and give you many descendants!

Abram:  Wow!  That’s so cool!  Thanks God. What’s a descendant again?

God:  Plus I’m going to change your name to Abraham.  Because nothing puts the HA! in Abraham like many descendants, if you know what I’m mean?

Abraham:  Not really . . .

God:  And, check it out, AbraHAm.  I’m going to make an everlasting covenant with you and your descendants.  I will be your god and the god of your descendants.  You likee?

Abraham:  Likee?  I Lovee!  But first, refresh my memory.  What’s a covenant again?

God:  Plus I’m going to throw in this lovely land of Canaan in which you now reside even though you are a foreigner.

Abraham:  Gosh!  For reals?

God:  Yup.

Abraham:  Thanks so much God.  I guess I’ll get back to sitting in the entrance to my tent now.

God:  Yes I’m going to give all that to you and your descendents, but first . . .

Abraham:  But first what?

God:  Well, you and your descendants must all agree to get circumcised.

Abraham:  Oh.  Now, what’s a circumcision again?

God:  Sure you don’t want a Cheeto?

Abraham: No thanks . . .  the fingers . . .

God: Oh that’s right.  A circumcision?  Well, hm . . .  well, what’s your schedule like because it’s going to require a really long-winded complicated explanation and I know you wanted to get back to sitting in your tent entrance . . . Plus I’m almost out of Cheetos . . .

Abraham:  Oh that’s okay, God!  Don’t go to all that trouble! I’ll just agree to it.

God: Sweet!

Abraham: Hey where you going?

God: To wash the orange off my fingers.

Abraham:  Love you God!

God:  Love you too Abraham!

And there you have it, Dear Readers, please check back soon to see what Gregory learns next in Sunday School.

Until next time . . . I love you

“Hey Abraham lookee! This Cheeto looks just like you!


13 thoughts on “Gregory’s Bible Stories: God Circum Sizes Up Abram

  1. I have been somewhat tardy about my church attendance of late Linda. Disappointed that the lesson didn’t go into detail about circumcision, one is always at the ready to learn, nor why God in his infinite wisdom thought it such a good idea when he had made man in his own image and likeness. The divine mysteries are never ending… my eyes have stopped watering I shall begin my day….have a good one Linda.

    • LOL! Yes, it’s funny how Gregory’s Sunday School teacher skirted around the details isn’t it? Well, perhaps she’ll bring some charts and graphs next week. . . or at the very least a bag of Cheetos for everyone to enjoy. I’m so glad the divine mysteries are never ending. It gives us blogger so much more to blogabout! Have a great day, Michael!!

  2. I heard that before God (known as just “god” to his friends, which gave rise to the notion of a just god) found Abram, He, She, It, or They was/were working on a deal with some Canaanites, whose leader was named Mandeggs. However, when God “Ha”ed him, everyone decided that “HAMandeggs” just didn’t sound kosher somehow, and the project was abandoned. Well, that’s what I heard …

      • Yes, I believe you heard that. Did you also hear that Ham’s great grandson, Willie Bacontheroadagain, invented professional sports when, right after Pagan Services, he shouted, “Play Baal !” I am going to hear that too, as soon as I read out loud what I just typed.

      • Yes – each day I turn on the news in eager anticipation of hearing the next volley of abuse to leave Mr trump’s mouth. I’m not much good at maths but I reckon it is a statistical certainty that Donald is going to get whacked by either one minority or another before he gets past “My fellow Americans…”

  3. Poor Abraham. Hopefully, God put him to sleep first, but I’m sure he was sore for at least a couple of weeks. Looks like they could have just signed a contract instead.

    • I know. Poor Abraham. It’s not easy being God’s best friend. God was going to give Abraham some Nyquil but wouldn’t you know Abraham was giving up Nyquil for lent. (Sometimes biblical timing really sucks.)

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