Gregory’s Bible Stories: God Circum Sizes Up Abram

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every Sunday Gregory attends Sunday school and every Sunday he comes home and retells what he learned.  

Today Gregory learned about how God’s covenant with Abraham.

Linda Vernon Humor, the bible according to gregory, humorous bible stories

 

 

God Circum Sizes Up Abram

One biblical day, Abram, who was 99 years young, was sitting in the entrance to his tent, when God appeared to him so Abram bowed down with his face touching the ground.

God:  Good news Abram!  But before I tell you, you want one of my Cheetos?

Abram:  Oh no thanks, they make my fingers orange.

God:  Really?  Anyways, Abram, I appeared because I’ve decided I will make a covenant with you and give you many descendants!

Abram:  Wow!  That’s so cool!  Thanks God. What’s a descendant again?

God:  Plus I’m going to change your name to Abraham.  Because nothing puts the HA! in Abraham like many descendants, if you know what I’m mean?

Abraham:  Not really . . .

God:  And, check it out, AbraHAm.  I’m going to make an everlasting covenant with you and your descendants.  I will be your god and the god of your descendants.  You likee?

Abraham:  Likee?  I Lovee!  But first, refresh my memory.  What’s a covenant again?

God:  Plus I’m going to throw in this lovely land of Canaan in which you now reside even though you are a foreigner.

Abraham:  Gosh!  For reals?

God:  Yup.

Abraham:  Thanks so much God.  I guess I’ll get back to sitting in the entrance to my tent now.

God:  Yes I’m going to give all that to you and your descendents, but first . . .

Abraham:  But first what?

God:  Well, you and your descendants must all agree to get circumcised.

Abraham:  Oh.  Now, what’s a circumcision again?

God:  Sure you don’t want a Cheeto?

Abraham: No thanks . . .  the fingers . . .

God: Oh that’s right.  A circumcision?  Well, hm . . .  well, what’s your schedule like because it’s going to require a really long-winded complicated explanation and I know you wanted to get back to sitting in your tent entrance . . . Plus I’m almost out of Cheetos . . .

Abraham:  Oh that’s okay, God!  Don’t go to all that trouble! I’ll just agree to it.

God: Sweet!

Abraham: Hey where you going?

God: To wash the orange off my fingers.

Abraham:  Love you God!

God:  Love you too Abraham!

And there you have it, Dear Readers, please check back soon to see what Gregory learns next in Sunday School.

Until next time . . . I love you

Abram
“Hey Abraham lookee! This Cheeto looks just like you!