Sample Chapters from Linda’s Big Book of Cannibalism

Welcome Dear Readers!  I’m thinking about writing Linda’s Big Book of Cannibalism. Here are some of the sample chapters I’ve come up with so far:

Chapter 1)

The day the cannibals ate my left foot without so much as a “howdy”

 

Chapter 2)

The day I would have been eaten by cannibals but luckily they were full

 

Chapter 3)

“You gonna eat the rest of that elbow?”  he asked.

 

Chapter 4)

Hello?!?  Next time ask before you eat the last explorer!

 

Chapter 5)

The day the cannibals ate every other finger on my right hand and still had room for Jello!

 

Chapter 6)

Cannibal Grammar:  I ate all the flesh today.  I ate all the flush yesterday

 

Chapter 7)

Cannibal Confessions:  Just between you and me, David Rockefeller needed salt  . . . 

 

Chapter 8)

Cannibal Weight Loss:  I lost ten pounds on a low-Fred diet!

 

Chapter 9)

A glass of wine, a loaf of bread and you

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now, but stay tuned for more sample chapters from Linda’s Big Book of Cannibalism.

Until next time I love you (especially with ketchup)

A Poem to Make You Think

Begin at the beginning and end at the end

But then again supposin’ that road has a bend?

 

Then begin at the right and work your way left

Or come up the middle (if the road’s got a cleft)

 

Or begin at the end and work your way backwards

Or schlep up the shoulder all sloppy and slackwards

 

Or begin at the right  and go in a square

Taking plenty of breaks to sit in the chairimg144

 

 

You took from that idiot right over there →

 

But whatever you do, avoid like the plague

A man with an eye patch who answers to Craig

 

And a lady named Bertha who’ll be eating a lime

(Expressly for reasons pertaining to rhyme)

 

Now take a deep breath and start on your journey

And if you get tired? Remember the gurney . . . 

 

That grandmother willed you (the one from Poughkeepsie)

Which you pawned for some money to hire a gypsy

 

Who foretold of everything here you just read

And for which your beloved grandmother’s dead  

img145

 

 

 

 

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Samson

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how Samson entertained the Philistines.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory Samson, The Headliner

One fine shiny biblical morn, a group of Philistine kings along with 3,000 other Philistine party-goers met to celebrate and offer a sacrifice to their God Dagon– while Samson, the strongest man who ever lived was locked up in basement with a buzz cut and his eyes poked out.  The bible says they all sang this song:

“Our god has given us victory over our enemy Samson.” Nobody knows for sure what the tune was — but judging from the lyrics, it probably wasn’t very catchy.

After they were done singing, the energy in the room went way down:

King A to King B:  This party’s getting kind of dull, don’t you think?

King B to King A: I know, I even tried getting up a rousing chorus of “Our god has given us victory over our enemy who devastated our land and killed so many of us”

King C:  And?

King B to King C:  Nothin’.

King D:  I wonder what we could do to liven it up?

King E to King D:  Well, if we had some Christians we could feed them to some lions if we had some lions.

King A to no king in particular:  Oh I know! Let’s let Samson out of prison to entertain us.

King #228:  You mean, Samson, the strongest man who ever lived, who is at this very moment locked up in the basement with the recently shorn hair and the even more recently poked out eyes?

King B:  Excuse me King #228, but I think you wandered into the wrong group of kings.  Where did you come from?

King #228:  1 Kings 19?

King C:  Hahahahaha!  I knew it!  Well anyways, I’m going out for more fig wine. . . wait a minute, I can’t find my chariot reins!

King B: I took them.

King C:  Why?

King B to King C:  Because Kings don’t let Kings chariot drunk.

Later:

King A to King B:  I’m about ready to fall asleep.  You want I should go get Samson out of his cell?

King B to the only King left who was paying any attention at all (King #228):  No let’s send a dumb little boy to take Samson by the hand, and lead Samson, the strongest man who ever lived, out to us and have him  stand between those two pillars over there.

King C to King B:  You mean those two pillars over there that are purely decorative and are not structurally needed should they somehow be destroyed or do you mean the two load-bearing pillars that if something were to happen to them the entire palace would collapse and everyone would be killed including Kings A through #228?

King B:  The latter . .   No wait . . . the former?

While King B was looking up the definitions of former and latter, the dumb little boy led Samson to the two load-bearing pillars and Samson took hold of them and pushed with all his might.

The entire building fell down killing all 3,000 party-goers and every single one of the kings except for King #228 who quickly high-tailed it back to 1 Kings 19.

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  What Gregory learned in Sunday school today. Please check back next week at the same time to find out what Gregory comes up with.

Samson pushing down the pillars

 

 

 

 

Linda’s Bedtime Stories for Grown-up Children

Miss Wabble in Love

Miss Darlene Wabble brushed her long blonde hair, gazed at her reflection in the mirror and lamented the day her boyfriend, Mickey, had run off with Starina Strapazoid, the star of the Interstellar Circus Circuit and abandoned Darlene on planet Poiple to rot.

 

"Gosh I don't know why Micky ran off with that circus girl when I'm clearly the one who is double jointed."
“Gosh I don’t understand why Micky ran off with that circus girl when I’m clearly the one who is double jointed.”

Sure planet Poiple was a pretty nice place to rot as far as rotting goes — and Mickey had left Darlene everything she needed for her impending decomposition, a lifetime supply of Marie Callender Chicken Pot Pies, pirated HBO and a nice big fenced back yard to keep the pesky and dangerous Poiple Platacorns at bay, but you really couldn’t call Miss Darlene Wabble happy.  Cheerful, possibly, but let’s not split hairs so early in the story.

The dreaded nine-legged, humpbacked Poiplian Platacorn
The dreaded nine-legged, humpbacked Poiple Platacorn

One day, while Darlene was practicing her marksmanship on the Platacorns through her living room window with her high-powered, semi-automatic potato gun (a Christmas gift from Mickey), there was a knock at the door, and guess who it was? Did you guess Mickey?  Good guess!

 

Darlene's high-powered, semi automatic potato gun . . . but don't worry, guns don't kill people, potatoes do.
Darlene’s high-powered, semi automatic potato gun . . . but don’t worry, guns don’t kill people; potatoes do.

Only not Mickey, her boyfriend, but Mickey the guy who lived next door whose name was also Mickey only he spelled it Mikki which was kind of sad even for someone from planet Poiple.

Mikki had come to borrow a potato because he had his heart set on having a potato for supper even though he was completely out of potatoes but had every other kind of tuber in his pantry.  But oh no! Mikki just had to have a potato for supper which should give you some idea of what it was like living with the people on planet Poiple or the Poiplians as they referred to themselves whenever they could find a way to fit it into the conversation (which was way more important to them than it should have been).

"Hi I'm Mikki.  Did I mention I'm a Poiplian?  I did.  Okay.  Just checking."
“Hi I’m Mikki. Did I mention I’m a Poiplian? I did? Okay. Just checking.”

As soon as Mikki blurted out his request to borrow a potato, Darlene immediately handed over her high-powered, semi-automatic potato gun to Mikki.   After that Mikki invited Darlene over for supper, and they fell madly in love while Mikki was shooting out one hell of a potato salad!

One Hell of a Potato Salad
One Hell of a Potato Salad

And thus they lived happily until they died and eventually rotted but let’s don’t talk about that now.

The End.

Now go to sleep.

Oh and P.S. Try not to have nightmares about the Nine-legged, hump-backed Poiple Platacorn as they don’t even exist . . . as far as we know . . .

Oh Valentine! You had me at Dear Occupant:

Valentine's Day

Dear Readers!  I rushed breathlessly to my mailbox this morning, and discovered I had a new suitor and just in time for Valentine’s Day!

It seems Xfinity is now in crazy, passionate occupant love with little ol’ moi! 

Ah!  Be still my beating letter opener!

First off, no matter what I decide about whether I’m going to allow myself to be “wooed” by Xfinity, they want me to know that this plastic card that was attached to the occupant love letter is mine to keep!

When it comes to occupant love, a plastic card is the equivalent of a diamond engagement ring except it’s not as sparkly, it can’t cut glass . . . but still . . . 

Then there’s this:

Don’t worry, you don’t need to read it, it’s way too boring, (sigh) however I did read it and here’s what it more or less says:

If you pay Xfinity $30 every month, they’ll put security cameras all over your house so that if you decide to go to Hawaii, you’ll be able to sit on the beach and stare at your house on your smart phone to make sure everything is still not stolen every minute of every day until it’s time to come home.

Or it means you’ll be able to actually watch live on your smart phone as a burglar breaks into your house and steals all your stuff!

And Xfinity is also offering the handy feature of being able to control the lights in your home remotely so that while you are sitting on the beach in Hawaii you can turn the lights on in your house in order to better see the burglar who is stealing all your stuff.

Jeepers!  That’s a pretty good proposal Xfinity is offering little ol’ moi!  Let’s see what other occupant tokens of love Xfinity is throwing at me to win my affections:

Oh Goody!  A touch screen controller . . .So when my grandson touches all the buttons trying to access Elmo, it will accidentally trigger the swat team to be dispatched to my house. Well, okay, that’s pretty cool.

And, with this 3 window/door sensors Xfinity is offering to provide me with much needed help when it comes to sensing which is a door and which is a window.  Well that’s over-the-top thoughtful!  I’m really liking the direction Xfinity is taking me in with this one.

Oh wow!  Every time we move, an alarm will go off at the police department!  Well, I’m all for that.  Who wouldn’t be?

Woo-hoo!  A keypad!  Xfinity doesn’t say what this if for but I think we all know by now, don’t we?

It’s the Xfinity Wireless Keypad to my heart! 

Because Xfinity has finally managed to woo me with their tokens of occupant affection.

It seems now all I have left to say to Xfinity is

 “you had me at  “Dear Linda Vernon and/or Occupant” 

I don’t know about you, Dear Readers, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to have a heck of a happy Valentine’s day this year!

If you need me I’ll be on hold with my new beloved XOXOXfinity!”

Until next time . . . I still love you but not quite as much as I do you know who

Gregory’s Bible Stories: But We Keep the Goats?

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about what happened when the people of Israel asked Samuel for a king to rule over them.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory But We Still Get to Keep the Goats, Right?

One day a man named Samuel, who was the ruler of Israel, decided to retire so he appointed his two sons, Joel (sometimes called Costello) and Abijah as judges to rule over the people.

But Abijah and Costello were always getting into hilarious scrapes due to doing such things as accepting bribes, cheating the citizenry and serving as horrible first-base umps.

So the people went to Samuel and demanded that he appoint a King to rule over them instead of Abijah and Costello.  Samuel prayed to the Lord and the conversation probably didn’t go anything like this:

Samuel:  Are you there God it’s me Sam

The Lord:  Sup Sam?

Samuel:  Oh no thanks.  I just ate.

The Lord:  No.  Sup is a cool expression I just made up.  It’s short for “what is up?”

Samuel:  Oh. Well, the people want a king to rule over them.  I don’t know what to do.  I feel rejected by them and I feel like they are making poor decisions.

The Lord:  Hashtag don’t go all emo on me, Bro!

Samuel:  What?

The Lord:  Oh nothing I’m just playing around with some new lingo.  Anywho, ever since I brought my peeps out of Egypt they’ve been acting super-sized bogus. To tell you the truth, it’s driving me cray cray. I’m considering unfriending them. Anyways, listen to the people,  but give them a strict warning about how being ruled by a king would be redonkulous! Capisce?

Samuel:   Uh . . . no habla Espanol?

So Samuel told the people everything God had said:

People:  We want a king!

Samuel: Yeah but a king will send all your sons to war, make you plow the all the fields, make you harvest all the crops and force all your daughters to make perfume and bread 24/7.

People:  Who cares!  We still want a king!

Samuel:  Yeah but a king will take all your best vineyards, and all your best fields and all your best olive groves, and if that’s not bad enough, a king will take all your best servants!

People:  Boo Friggin’ Hoo! We still want a king!

Samuel: Yeah but a king will take all your grain and all your donkeys and all your cattle.

People:  But we’d still get to keep our goats, right?

Samuel:  That I don’t know.  But most assuredly, a king will take all your servants.

People:  And we  keep the goats?

Samuel: God didn’t mention anything about goats, but if God gives you a king and you decide later that you hate being ruled by a king,  God is absolutely not going to help you out at all. Oh and I almost forgot to mention that God said to tell you that the king will also make you all slaves!

People:  But the goats are ours to keep?

Samuel:  Yes I suppose.   But do you want to live as free men while creating  a rich and fulfilling life for both you and your children or would you rather all become slaves but get to keep your goats?  God wants to know which it’s going to be.

People: What’s the latest we can let him know?

And there you have it, Dear Readers.  Please check back next week at this same time to find out what Gregory learns in next week’s Sunday School class.  

Until next time . . . I love you

"You can put your hand down, I'm only taking non-goat related questions."
“You can put your hand down, I’m only taking non-goat related questions.”

 

Confessions of a New Age Failure

 meditation

My Karma’s hit a snafu

My third eye’s on the blink

My Chakra lights are dimming

And my Guru is a fink

 

My mantra it has asthma

My Buddha’s out to lunch

To top it off my psychic’s got

Her bloomers in a bunch

Buddah out to lunch_s

 My levitation doesn’t work

My Medium’s not rare

My Kirlian Photography

Just makes me want to swear!

 

My paradigm it doesn’t shift

My Om has left the room

My stupid cosmic consciousness

Is full of doom and gloom

 

My ESP is DOA

My dowser is a louse

My Astral Body’s far too fat

My aura wears a blouse!

psychic

So to  you all I bid adieu

And hope you won’t be bitter

But when it comes to New Age stuff

My higher self’s a quitter

 Thrid eye