Confessions of a New Age Failure

January 10, 2018 Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry bloomers in a bunch, Buddah, Chakra, funny poetry, Guru, humor, humorous, humorous new age poem, Kirlian Photography, paradigm shift, pyschic

Confessions of a New Age Failure

My Karma’s hit a snafu

My third eye’s on the blink

My Chakra lights are dimming

And my Guru is a fink

My mantra it has asthma

My Buddha’s out to lunch

To top it off my psychic’s got

Her bloomers in a bunch

My levitation doesn’t work

My Medium’s not rare

My Kirlian Photography

Just makes me want to swear!

My paradigm it doesn’t shift

My Om has left the room

My stupid cosmic consciousness

Is full of doom and gloom

My ESP is DOA

My dowser is a louse

My Astral Body’s far too fat

My aura wears a blouse!

So to you all I bid adieu

And hope you won’t be bitter

But when it comes to New Age stuff

My higher self’s a quitter

Irena Delphina Hot Diggity Dog

June 16, 2015 Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry, The Daily Routine blog, comedy, funny poetry, horrible art, humor, humour, nonsense humor, nowhere else to go but this blog, rhyming humor, satire, The gear shift of life, woman who is destined to live in a blog

Irena Delphina Hot Diggity Dog

In the parlance of engines was merely a cog

In the gearshift of life she was quite unexciting

(She had nothing to do with, say, spark plugs igniting)

Her job was more blah, more boring, more simple

She was put on this earth to showcase her dimple

And stand on her tiptoes with arms stretched apart

While posing for drawings of horrible art

Oh if only the artist could draw her an ocean

She’d sit by the sea and imagine the motion

Or maybe the artist could draw her Mt. Zion

She could hike to the top with a leash on a lion

Is it any surprise that Irena’s not pompous

When the drawings of her are so catty and wampus?

Is it safe to assume that she’ll never be seen

Staring up from the pages of Vogue magazine?

Poor Irena Delphina Hot Diggity Dog

She’s destined forever to live in this blog

Confessions of a New Age Failure

February 2, 2015 Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry bloomers in a bunch, Buddah, Chakra, funny poetry, Guru, humor, humorous, humorous new age poem, Kirlian Photography, paradigm shift, pyschic

My Karma’s hit a snafu

My third eye’s on the blink

My Chakra lights are dimming

And my Guru is a fink

My mantra it has asthma

My Buddha’s out to lunch

To top it off my psychic’s got

Her bloomers in a bunch

My levitation doesn’t work

My Medium’s not rare

My Kirlian Photography

Just makes me want to swear!

My paradigm it doesn’t shift

My Om has left the room

My stupid cosmic consciousness

Is full of doom and gloom

My ESP is DOA

My dowser is a louse

My Astral Body’s far too fat

My aura wears a blouse!

So to you all I bid adieu

And hope you won’t be bitter

But when it comes to New Age stuff

My higher self’s a quitter

Tary Not Dear Gwendolyn

May 23, 2014May 24, 2014 Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry, The Daily Routine Fattening Poetry, funny poem, funny poetry, humor, humorous poetry, humour, Linda Vernon Humor Poetry, poem about gaining weight, quirky poetry

Tary not dear Gwendolyn

O’er ice cream, cake or pie

Your stomach never proves to be

Much smaller than your eye

Tary not dear Gwendolyn

When heaping full your platter

A garden salad? Or french fries?

(You know you’ll choose the latter!)

Tary not dear Gwendolyn

With pralines in the pantry

Sweets like these although they please

Make waists turn vigilante

Tary not dear Gwendolyn

On scents of roast beef gravy

Such nourishment will only serve

To make your waddle wavy

Until next time . . . I love you

The Neck of Polly Petunia Penelope Peck

March 20, 2014March 20, 2014 Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry, The Daily Routine abnormally long neck, Chiquita bananas, comedy, funny poetry, humor, humorous, humour, Santa Anas, wind

Polly Petunia Penelope Peck

Had a heck of a time with her tubular neck

When through the town’s center she’d venture to walk

People whipped on their glasses in order to gawk

Her head bobbled and wobbled and tilted unsteady

(Which is par for the course when your neck’s like spaghetti)

And when desert winds blew from the south (Santa Anas)

Her neck! It would bow like Chiquita Bananas!

Twas in such a state that she met her man, Nate

(He’s a sucker for woman whose necks oscillate)

And married got they — on the fourth of July

Polly wore shorts and a turtleneck (high)

And happy they lived all their lives ever after

With Nate’s head in the clouds and hers in the rafter

* * *

Until next time . . . I love you

The Smears of a Clown

February 12, 2014February 12, 2014 Linda Vernon Friday Fictioneers, Peculiar Poetry clowns painting, funny, funny poetry, humor, humorous, humorous poem, humour, murderer clowns, The tears of a clown

Welcome to Wednesday (again)! It ‘s time for Friday Fictioneers.

Here’s this weeks 100-word story inspiration picture by Janet Webb over at This, That and the Other Thing:

janet-webbs-sangria — **Copyright Janet Webb**

The Smears of a Clown

Penelope Snoots was the talk of the town

When she married a man from the circus (a clown)

Who thought himself clever at messing around

With oil paints, charcoals and color crans (brown)

His pockets were empty – he was really quite vain

(Though his face was Picasso on drugs when it rained)

Yet Penelope loved him in ways unexplained

Cause her wine limit was . . . shall we say . . . unconstrained?

One day he took fruit and chopped it up nicely

Combined strawberries, wine and cantaloupes thricely

He killed her and placed her on ice cubes concisely

Then he painted Penelope’s portrait precisely

"See how much better I can paint you when you hold still, Penelope?" — **“See how much better I can paint you when you hold still, Penelope? I know you can’t answer that. It was rhetorical.”**

Of course Wednesday means it’s time for 100-words of fun hosted every week by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields-Addicted to Purple. Pop over and join us. The more the merrier!

Until next time . . . I love you

Confessions of a New Age Failure

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The Smears of a Clown

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