Confessions of a New Age Failure


My Karma’s hit a snafu

My third eye’s on the blink

My Chakra lights are dimming

And my Guru is a fink


My mantra it has asthma

My Buddha’s out to lunch

To top it off my psychic’s got

Her bloomers in a bunch

Buddah out to lunch_s

 My levitation doesn’t work

My Medium’s not rare

My Kirlian Photography

Just makes me want to swear!


My paradigm it doesn’t shift

My Om has left the room

My stupid cosmic consciousness

Is full of doom and gloom



My dowser is a louse

My Astral Body’s far too fat

My aura wears a blouse!


So to  you all I bid adieu

And hope you won’t be bitter

But when it comes to New Age stuff

My higher self’s a quitter

 Thrid eye

21 thoughts on “Confessions of a New Age Failure

  1. Brilliant, my lady… You MUST send this to Punch, and, some of the other avant-garde magazines of a spiritual bent. I’d wager they’d print it in a heartbeat; if not them, I’d put big money on MAD magazine snapping it up…. It reminds me of a poem by Paul Coelho, which I happened to use the other day, about being a Warrior of Light…. this looks at the same idea from a whole different perspective, but, is nonetheless accurate for all that…. Sharp, biting wit, with a light-hearted touch… again, brilliantly conceived humor, doing what it does best, poking fun at the gullible and foolish…

    gigoid, the dubious….

  2. O, ye of small tolerance for sobriety….

    I always enjoy coming to your site to comment; the comments of the other readers are often as entertaining as the piece itself, offering one such as myself a multitude of opportunities to play off what is said… I have to apply heavy restraint to not spend too much time answering them, or, I’d be here all day…. For example, I loved the comment from rgayer55, about the Foster Grants for his 3rd eye. At least four snappy responses almost got typed in, before I caught myself…. such as the query which occurred to me first, to wit: Are those FG’s to soften the too-bright light of illumination, or are they merely rose-colored?…. Just wondering….

    Great fun!…

    Ned, aka, gigoid. the playfully dubious


    • Oops… Forgot to mention; I stole the great picture of the laughing Buddha, to use for a pearl… Thanks for that. You’ll get a pingback when it’s posted….

      gigoid, the honestly dubious


    • Ha! Rose colored indeed! Now that line needs to become one of your Pearls. And the sparkling comments that are left here always make the writing well worth effort. Oh and by the way, Russel Gayer has an hilarious book of essays out — The Perils of Heavy Thinking — it’s on Amazon. I think you’d really like it, Ned

      • Cool, thanks for the title; I’ll put it on my STR list, to pick up after I finish the 6 books ahead of it (3 of which were also written by other WP blogger buddies…). I will get to it, though, I always enjoy Russell’s comments…. Hmm, a bit of synchronicity there… My middle name is Russell, and I know the perils whereof he writes…. (Oh, STR = stuff to read list)

        Hmm… I think you’re right, but, I think it will make a good TITLE for a Daily Pearl… It fits. I can see it now ….. “Are those Foster Grants to block out the light of illumination, or are they just rose-colored?….” In fact, thanks for pointing that out; I’ll go put it into the template right now…. Yay! I love working ahead….


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