Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about what happened when the people of Israel asked Samuel for a king to rule over them.
Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.
But We Still Get to Keep the Goats, Right?
One day a man named Samuel, who was the ruler of Israel, decided to retire so he appointed his two sons, Joel (sometimes called Costello) and Abijah as judges to rule over the people.
But Abijah and Costello were always getting into hilarious scrapes due to doing such things as accepting bribes, cheating the citizenry and serving as horrible first-base umps.
So the people went to Samuel and demanded that he appoint a King to rule over them instead of Abijah and Costello. Samuel prayed to the Lord and the conversation probably didn’t go anything like this:
Samuel: Are you there God it’s me Sam
The Lord: Sup Sam?
Samuel: Oh no thanks. I just ate.
The Lord: No. Sup is a cool expression I just made up. It’s short for “what is up?”
Samuel: Oh. Well, the people want a king to rule over them. I don’t know what to do. I feel rejected by them and I feel like they are making poor decisions.
The Lord: Hashtag don’t go all emo on me, Bro!
Samuel: What?
The Lord: Oh nothing I’m just playing around with some new lingo. Anywho, ever since I brought my peeps out of Egypt they’ve been acting super-sized bogus. To tell you the truth, it’s driving me cray cray. I’m considering unfriending them. Anyways, listen to the people, but give them a strict warning about how being ruled by a king would be redonkulous! Capisce?
Samuel: Uh . . . no habla Espanol?
So Samuel told the people everything God had said:
People: We want a king!
Samuel: Yeah but a king will send all your sons to war, make you plow the all the fields, make you harvest all the crops and force all your daughters to make perfume and bread 24/7.
People: Who cares! We still want a king!
Samuel: Yeah but a king will take all your best vineyards, and all your best fields and all your best olive groves, and if that’s not bad enough, a king will take all your best servants!
People: Boo Friggin’ Hoo! We still want a king!
Samuel: Yeah but a king will take all your grain and all your donkeys and all your cattle.
People: But we’d still get to keep our goats, right?
Samuel: That I don’t know. But most assuredly, a king will take all your servants.
People: And we keep the goats?
Samuel: God didn’t mention anything about goats, but if God gives you a king and you decide later that you hate being ruled by a king, God is absolutely not going to help you out at all. Oh and I almost forgot to mention that God said to tell you that the king will also make you all slaves!
People: But the goats are ours to keep?
Samuel: Yes I suppose. But do you want to live as free men while creating a rich and fulfilling life for both you and your children or would you rather all become slaves but get to keep your goats? God wants to know which it’s going to be.
People: What’s the latest we can let him know?
And there you have it, Dear Readers. Please check back next week at this same time to find out what Gregory learns in next week’s Sunday School class.
Until next time . . . I love you
Linda Vernon Humor 
That Old Testament God was a tough guy wasn’t he, didn’t want to take any crap of anyone and was into such oppression. I take they are still considering his offer?
You are so right Michael. Perhaps the Old Testament God had low-blood sugar mood swings or something. Maybe we’ll find out next week about the goats . . . then again the bible has a tendency to skip around — especially when you can’t remember what page you were on last time.
Hahahahaha! This entire post has me crying with laughter!
Hashtag we got to keep our goats
I’m so glad you liked it honey. I think I stumbled upon your funny bone in this one.
You know, back in 1776, we didn’t want a King so we got a President. Now, that idea was fine when you have Washington, Madison, Adams, Jefferson (George) Clinton, Hamilton, Burr, Monroe et al all vying for the job, but when your choice is between a guy who is not only certifiably insane but also called Mitt and President Photo-Op and King starts to look like a pretty attractive idea.
You’re in luck! Here in Britain, we were just wondering whether you would mind if we took your country back? We can get you a Queen and a Prince within 24 hours. The courtiers and Royal Guard could arrive tomorrow if we can get the second engine to start on the Vickers Viscount. Goat husbandry will attract generous tax breaks . Think about it and call us back.
That’s tempting, but I don’t suppose you have any newer models on show? The 50’s retro charm just doesn’t work for the current ones in the showroom and the vapid aughties celebrity stylings of the upcoming models doesn’t, well, frankly they are a tad Kim and Kanye for my liking.
Entirely so. However, they make excellent draft excluders if you have the patience to train them. Phil the Greek is most enthusiastic about the idea and keeps asking if you require quantitative easing? Hellenic Tours Plc are coming on board with the offer of Greece. You get the country but its up to you to sort it out. The ‘newer models’ breed well and early so this really is a deal not to be missed.
It’s true. What this country needs is a king!! Too bad George Jefferson’s dead.
*currently listening to Jefferson Airplane and loving it* Pure America but NOT Americana. Kapish?
I’m sorry. We were talking about goats…?
If we had a goat it would solve all our problems . . . *currently listening to Jefferson Star Ship and tuning out Grace Slick as much as possible*
‘Abijah and Costello’ eh? They really wanted those goats! Diane
Ha! Yes Diane, I’m beginning to think that the biblical peoples liked their goats better than sliced bread (unleavened)! After all, they had to munch on something while Abija and Costello were trying to decide who’s on first.
ha! ha!….. Diane