A Poem to Make You Think

Begin at the beginning and end at the end

But then again supposin’ that road has a bend?

Then begin at the right and work your way left

Or come up the middle (if the road’s got a cleft)

Or begin at the end and work your way backwards

Or schlep up the shoulder all sloppy and slackwards

Or begin at the right and go in a square

Taking plenty of breaks to sit in the chair

You took from that idiot right over there →

But whatever you do, avoid like the plague

A man with an eye patch who answers to Craig

And a lady named Bertha who’ll be eating a lime

(Expressly for reasons pertaining to rhyme)

Now take a deep breath and start on your journey

And if you get tired? Remember the gurney . . .

That grandmother willed you (the one from Poughkeepsie)

That you pawned for some money to hire a gypsy

Who foretold of everything here you just read

(Including the part where your Grandmother’s dead) grandma cartoon

Confessions of a New Age Failure

January 10, 2018 Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry bloomers in a bunch, Buddah, Chakra, funny poetry, Guru, humor, humorous, humorous new age poem, Kirlian Photography, paradigm shift, pyschic

Confessions of a New Age Failure

My Karma’s hit a snafu

My third eye’s on the blink

My Chakra lights are dimming

And my Guru is a fink

My mantra it has asthma

My Buddha’s out to lunch

To top it off my psychic’s got

Her bloomers in a bunch

My levitation doesn’t work

My Medium’s not rare

My Kirlian Photography

Just makes me want to swear!

My paradigm it doesn’t shift

My Om has left the room

My stupid cosmic consciousness

Is full of doom and gloom

My ESP is DOA

My dowser is a louse

My Astral Body’s far too fat

My aura wears a blouse!

So to you all I bid adieu

And hope you won’t be bitter

But when it comes to New Age stuff

My higher self’s a quitter

An Ode to the Chemicals in Herbal Essence Hairspray

January 6, 2016 Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry chemical humor, Chemicals in Herbal Essence Hairspray, Dimethyl Ether Alcohol, Hairspray chemical humor, hairspray chemicals, hairspray humor, hairspray poetry, humor, humorous poetry, humour

An Ode to the Chemicals in Herbal Essence Hairspray

ode to the Chemicals in Herbal Essence Hairspray

Dimethyl Ether Alcohol

Rolling off the tongue, you do enthrall

Plus, you keep my hair in place and all

If I had your name? I’d have a ball!

Amino Methyl Propanol

My follicles will never fall

My hair it stands up straight and tall

Thanks Amino Methyl Propanol!

Triacetate Ammonium

My hair’s tough . . . like linoleum

You’re better than petroleum

Now come here and take the podium!

Glycereth-7 Acetate

Do I need to tell you that you’re great?

My hair conforms to your mandate

(Perhaps you are my hair’s soul mate)

Cyclopentasiloxane!

You’re name’s so long it’s quite insane!

But you’ve got my hair on a ball and chain

Your the next best thing since urethane

VA/Crotonates Vinyl

I think you gave my hair a spinal?

Either that or it’s suicidal

Whatever the case, your say is final

PEG-8 Dimethicone

My hair’s addicted to you alone

And wondering if you’d give a loan

Cause it needs to buy some methadone

Until next time . . . I love you

Lady MacBlump’s Peculiar Love

June 30, 2015June 30, 2015 Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry, The Daily Routine A wedding poem, funny, funny poetry about weddings, horrible wedding art, humor, humorous poetry, humour, ice cream is good, ice cream kills Lord, MInt chocolate chip ice cream, wedding ice cream not recommended

Lady Mildred Madonna Anita MacBlump

Wasn’t fat nor obese, she was pleasingly plump

She pined for Lord Luther Wisconsin Parcheesie

He was thin as a rail and always uneasy

Now Mildred MacBlump, she liked eating vermilion

And soft ice cream cones, it would seem, by the million

Whenever Lord Luther Wisconsin Parcheesie

Laid eyes on the sight of ice cream he got queasy

Lord Luther Wisconsin asked Mildred to marry

She asked him, “But aren’t you allergic to dairy?”

But Lord Luther Wisconsin Parcheesie replied,

“Of course not Dear Lady!” (he quite blatantly lied)

And so Luther and Mildred were quickly conjoined

And ate steak after steak at the wedding (sirloined)

How much they enjoyed their wedded-bliss dream!

Until someone suggested they serve some ice cream

In the end, all it took was the smallest of bites

To extinguish Lord Luther Parcheesie’s night lights

And so Mildred MacBlump she just stiffened her lip

And heroically finished her Mint Chocolate Chip

Irena Delphina Hot Diggity Dog

June 16, 2015 Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry, The Daily Routine blog, comedy, funny poetry, horrible art, humor, humour, nonsense humor, nowhere else to go but this blog, rhyming humor, satire, The gear shift of life, woman who is destined to live in a blog

Irena Delphina Hot Diggity Dog

In the parlance of engines was merely a cog

In the gearshift of life she was quite unexciting

(She had nothing to do with, say, spark plugs igniting)

Her job was more blah, more boring, more simple

She was put on this earth to showcase her dimple

And stand on her tiptoes with arms stretched apart

While posing for drawings of horrible art

Oh if only the artist could draw her an ocean

She’d sit by the sea and imagine the motion

Or maybe the artist could draw her Mt. Zion

She could hike to the top with a leash on a lion

Is it any surprise that Irena’s not pompous

When the drawings of her are so catty and wampus?

Is it safe to assume that she’ll never be seen

Staring up from the pages of Vogue magazine?

Poor Irena Delphina Hot Diggity Dog

She’s destined forever to live in this blog

Edwina Purina Chow Dippity Do

May 9, 2015 Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry Brussel Sprouts, Buster Brown Shoes, comedy, funny poem, humor, humor humorous, humorous poetry, lieutenant gov, long range bomber, pushing vs shoving, sequoia

Edwina Purina Chow Dippity Do

Bent over to polish her Buster Brown shoe

But the polish therein was of toxic aroma

And Edwina Purina fell into a coma

No one knew what to do for they couldn’t awake her.

So the Doctor was summoned. (He suggested they shake her)

But yet she lay docile and still as could be

Then someone suggested, “Push her out of a tree!”

So they hoisted her up in a Giant Sequoia

And everyone helped — even Mike and Latoya!

All that was left was to give her a shove

And who better for that than the lieutenant gov?

Who ran on a platform of brotherly love

And never did falter when push came to shove

He shook that sequoia, he had him some muscle

(Attributed mainly to sprouts found in Brussel)

sprouts of brussel — “Where you from?” “Brussel” “Me too!”

Well, the tree started shaking and then the wind blew

And Edwina Purina Chow Dippity Do . . .

Flew through the air like a bomber (long range)

And landed on top of the Foreign Exchange

She opened her eyes and everyone cheered

But to tell you the truth? It was all very weird!

A Poem That Makes You Think

February 24, 2015March 25, 2018 Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry Bertha's limes, grandmother's dead, humor, humorous poetry about dead grandmas, humour, one-eyed man who answers to Craig, Stealing a chair from and idiot

Begin at the beginning and end at the end

But then again supposin’ that road has a bend?

Then begin at the right and work your way left

Or come up the middle (if the road’s got a cleft)

Or begin at the end and work your way backwards

Or schlep up the shoulder all sloppy and slackwards

Or begin at the right and go in a square

Taking plenty of breaks to sit in the chair

You took from that idiot right over there →

But whatever you do, avoid like the plague

A man with an eye patch who answers to Craig

And a lady named Bertha who’ll be eating a lime

(Expressly for reasons pertaining to rhyme)

Now take a deep breath and start on your journey

And if you get tired? Remember the gurney . . .

That grandmother willed you (the one from Poughkeepsie)

That you pawned for some money to hire a gypsy

Who foretold of everything here you just read

(Including the part where your Grandma is dead),l

Until next time . . . I love you

Confessions of a New Age Failure

February 2, 2015 Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry bloomers in a bunch, Buddah, Chakra, funny poetry, Guru, humor, humorous, humorous new age poem, Kirlian Photography, paradigm shift, pyschic

My Karma’s hit a snafu

My third eye’s on the blink

My Chakra lights are dimming

And my Guru is a fink

My mantra it has asthma

My Buddha’s out to lunch

To top it off my psychic’s got

Her bloomers in a bunch

My levitation doesn’t work

My Medium’s not rare

My Kirlian Photography

Just makes me want to swear!

My paradigm it doesn’t shift

My Om has left the room

My stupid cosmic consciousness

Is full of doom and gloom

My ESP is DOA

My dowser is a louse

My Astral Body’s far too fat

My aura wears a blouse!

So to you all I bid adieu

And hope you won’t be bitter

But when it comes to New Age stuff

My higher self’s a quitter

A Letter to Father Time From His Boss

January 3, 2015January 3, 2015 Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry, The Daily Routine A Father Time Poem, anti-gravity boot, calendar girl, flying Cars, humor, humorous, humour, moot points, Ray guns, sundial, the future isn't here

Dear Father Time:

Permit me to say, my dear Father Time

In this letter I write you (that I’m going to rhyme)

It looks like the future’s a big disappointment

Take pimples, for instance, there’s still not an ointment . . .

And no flying cars, now what’s up with that?

And where is that pill that you promised for fat?

No robots to wait on us twenty-four seven?

No ray guns to use to send someone to heaven?

Oh sure, we’ve got lasers, but that point is moot

When you up and forgot: anti-gravity boot

And where, may I ask, are time travel machines?

On the junk heap, no doubt (with the synthetic spleens)

My dear Father Time, I’m perplexed and chagrined

That you’ve fallen behind on the future therein

After talking it over with Jack Frost and Cupid

I regret to inform you (I really feel stupid)

It’s time to let someone else give it a whirl

You’ve just been replaced by the Calendar Girl

My Mighty Steed’s a Centipede

November 28, 2014 Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry, The Daily Routine Centepede riding for fun and profit, centipede knot tying, comedy centipede riding, fun with centipedes, humor, humorous, humour, jolly, poetry than rhymes at least, slapstick centipede humor

Oh roll of thunder hear my cry

I just got a dirt clod in my eye

A hundred feet they beat asunder

Atop my centipede of wonder

Never do I turn my head

For falling off’s my biggest dread.

Not that I’d have far to fall

For a centipede’s not tall at all

But his feet, my dear, are a hundred numbered

Yet he never finds himself encumbered

He ties his shoes so they don’t come loose

With a slip-knot, square-knot, half-hitch noose

Until next time . . . I love you

The Onomatopoeia Sisters’ Phone Call

October 17, 2014 Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry comedy, funny Phone Conversations, humor, humorour poetry, humour, onomatopoeia, onomatopoeia humor, onomatopoeia sisters

Until next time, I love you

Entertaining Attila

October 7, 2014October 7, 2014 Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry, The Daily Routine comedy, funny, humor, humorous, humour, Out of stock on the Nelson Mandela's, quirky poetry, the year 453, violent cartoons, What to do when Attila the Hun visits

Melissa Miranda Malinda MacNella

Went to the store to find her a fella

Came home with a guy whose name was Attila

(Someone had beat her to Nelson Mandela)

At first he was fun (he was such a dear Hun)

Til he started reciting the battles he’d won

And the heads he beheaded (it was over a ton)

And the peasants he’d spared (of which there were none)

What’s Melissa to do with a guy such as he?

An infamous killer from 453

Well the answer it came to her clear as can be

She gave him some popcorn and turned on TV

Oh the violence he saw there was creepy and chilling

He couldn’t believe all the torture and killing

Rivers of blood by the buckets was spilling

Attila found watching cartoons quite fulfilling

A Very Early Christmas Poem

September 18, 2014 Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry, The Daily Routine comedy, comedy poetry, eating too much as a poetry muse, Guardian Angels for Those Well Fed, humor, humorous, humorous Christmas Poem, humour, odd poetry

* * *

Until next time . . . I love you

Yak Problems

August 27, 2014August 27, 2014 Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry funny poem, humor, humorous, humour, when bad things happen to good Yaks, Yak poetry, Yak Problems

Until next time . . . I love you

Mr. Hoink’s Farm

Image July 30, 2014 Linda Vernon Peculiar Poetry, The Daily Routine comedy, cows that say oink, humor, humorous poetry, humour, itchy cows, life on the farm, Neanderthal Cows, pigs that can talk, quirky poetry

Linda Vernon Humor

Stylistically Abusing Language for the Betterment of Mankind

Peculiar Poetry

A Poem to Make You Think

Confessions of a New Age Failure

Confessions of a New Age Failure

An Ode to the Chemicals in Herbal Essence Hairspray

Lady MacBlump’s Peculiar Love

Irena Delphina Hot Diggity Dog

Edwina Purina Chow Dippity Do

A Poem That Makes You Think

Confessions of a New Age Failure

A Letter to Father Time From His Boss

My Mighty Steed’s a Centipede

The Onomatopoeia Sisters’ Phone Call

Entertaining Attila

A Very Early Christmas Poem

Yak Problems

Mr. Hoink’s Farm

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Confessions of a New Age Failure

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