Welcome Dear Readers! Here is a 1984 crocheting booklet that I was lucky enough to score at the thrift shop yesterday! YES! (Okay, nobody else wanted them, but still!)
Let’s Look Inside Annie’s Pattern Club Newsletter!
Annie’s Pattern Club was (or possibly still is) a newsletter where mega-talented crocheters crocheted something original and then sent the pattern to Annie, and she would publish the cream-of-the-crop designs her newsletter.
And as you will see, never have so many people come up with so many crocheted solutions for so many things that were never a problem in the first place. Let’s look at a few, shall we?
Crocheted Football Mitts
Lil Guy Tie
What to wear to a formal occasion in the 80’s
And there you have it Dear Readers! Now get out there and crochet your hearts out!
Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how Samson entertained the Philistines.
Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.
Samson, The Headliner
One fine shiny biblical morn, a group of Philistine kings along with 3,000 other Philistine party-goers met to celebrate and offer a sacrifice to their God Dagon– while Samson, the strongest man who ever lived was locked up in basement with a buzz cut and his eyes poked out. The bible says they all sang this song:
“Our god has given us victory over our enemy Samson.” Nobody knows for sure what the tune was — but judging from the lyrics, it probably wasn’t very catchy.
After they were done singing, the energy in the room went way down:
King A to King B: This party’s getting kind of dull, don’t you think?
King B to King A: I know, I even tried getting up a rousing chorus of “Our god has given us victory over our enemy who devastated our land and killed so many of us”
King C: And?
King B to King C: Nothin’.
King D: I wonder what we could do to liven it up?
King E to King D: Well, if we had some Christians we could feed them to some lions if we had some lions.
King A to no king in particular: Oh I know! Let’s let Samson out of prison to entertain us.
King #228: You mean, Samson, the strongest man who ever lived, who is at this very moment locked up in the basement with the recently shorn hair and the even more recently poked out eyes?
King B: Excuse me King #228, but I think you wandered into the wrong group of kings. Where did you come from?
King #228: 1 Kings 19?
King C: Hahahahaha! I knew it! Well anyways, I’m going out for more fig wine. . . wait a minute, I can’t find my chariot reins!
King B: I took them.
King C: Why?
King B to King C: Because Kings don’t let Kings chariot drunk.
King A to King B: I’m about ready to fall asleep. You want I should go get Samson out of his cell?
King B to the only King left who was paying any attention at all (King #228): No let’s send a dumb little boy to take Samson by the hand, and lead Samson, the strongest man who ever lived, out to us and have him stand between those two pillars over there.
King C to King B: You mean those two pillars over there that are purely decorative and are not structurally needed should they somehow be destroyed or do you mean the two load-bearing pillars that if something were to happen to them the entire palace would collapse and everyone would be killed including Kings A through #228?
King B: The latter . . No wait . . . the former?
While King B was looking up the definitions of former and latter, the dumb little boy led Samson to the two load-bearing pillars and Samson took hold of them and pushed with all his might.
The entire building fell down killing all 3,000 party-goers and every single one of the kings except for King #228 who quickly high-tailed it back to 1 Kings 19.
And there you have it, Dear Readers! What Gregory learned in Sunday school today. Please check back next week at the same time to find out what Gregory comes up with.
And that concludes this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Please check back next week for more biblical adventures as told by Gregory.
Welcome Dear Readers! Today, let’s do something we haven’t done in a while. Let’s poke fun at albums covers! Let’s start with this one:
William Holden was a major movie star in the 50’s and 60’s and possibly even the 70’s. I’m not much of a researcher as I prefer to make up my own facts to save time, but anyway my point is — William Holden can’t paint!
Notice how that outfit Suzie is wearing isn’t anything like the one Bill is painting? (You don’t mind if I call him, Bill, do you?) Also, Bill doesn’t look very committed to the task. I have a feeling he’s holding a bottle of vodka in that hand we can’t see. Don’t you think so, Bill? (You don’t mind if I call you Bill do you?)
I don’t know how William Holden died, but a long time ago, I remember seeing a sign in someone’s bathroom that said “William Holden Slipped Here.” So I have a feeling his death was rather untoward.
Which is why we won’t go into it here, Bill, as this is a humor blog, and, as such, steers clear of unpleasant topics unless it’s laugh out loud funny like, say, the always popular topic of baby eating. But I digest . . .
Oh and you can’t see it, Bill, but on the very top of this album in the leftrightno left oh who cares corner, it says this album was recorded in “New Orthophonic” high fidelity. Which I guess means it’s for people who have to wear shoes on their ears for medical reasons. (Not really, I’m just making that up . . . at least I think I’m making it up . . .what do you think, Bill? )
Let’s move on to the super-cheery Clancy Brothers and Tommy Makem, shall we, Bill?
Okay, Bill, which one do you think is Tommy Makem? They all look alike to me, Bill. Do you think that maybe Tommy Makem is a Clancy half-brother? Maybe he’s the brother nobody knew about until Tommy came a’knockin’ at the door one day with a big announcement? A big announcement that . . . well we won’t go into that unpleasantness here, Bill, as this is supposed to be a humor blog and as such steers clear of topics about things like, say, the illegitimate makin’ of Tommy Makems.
Apparently, if one can believe the album blurb, the Clancy Brothers are Irish. There’s no mention of what Tommy Makem is. Who cares? He’s really starting to get on The Clancy Brothers’ nerves anyway. In fact, I think even though this album is called The First Hurrah! I have a feeling it’s The Last Hurrah! for poor ol’ illegitimate half-brother, Tommy Makems, don’t you think Bill?
But, Bill, let’s not worry about such things now, Let’s move on instead to An Hour of Tchaikovsky!
Okay, don’t look now, Bill, but this Tchaikovsky Groupie seems to have her hand hopelessly stuck in her hairdo! Naturally, she’s confused because she only used seven cans of hairspray on her hair — when she usually applies 43! ( Apparently Tschaikovsky’s been getting into the hairspray cabinet again, what are we going to do with him, Bill?)
But not to worry, she is still managing to keep her composure. How? Well, thanks to the magic of eight gallons of foundation and 3 pounds of eye shadow, three-quarters of a pound of lipstick and half a pound of potato salad. No wait . . . that was her lunch.
Okay, well as you can see, Bill, I’m starting to get confused. So I guess it’s just as well that we are completely out of Album Cover, fun-poking time! Gosh where does the time go? Where, Bill? Where?
Hello Dear Readers and welcome to today’s blog where we will be talking about recipes for people who are all dead now.
Back in 1969, there were a lot of people in the world who liked eating Tomato Aspic, Jellied Gazpacho and Waldorf Salad. Unfortunately all those people are dead now — taking with them to the grave every conceivable need for Knox Gelatin. But don’t worry, through the pages of this bizarre cookbook entitled Knox On-Camera Recipes, we will examine in great detail some Knox Gelatin Recipes that made this country what it used to be. Recipes that salute a quieter, gentler, jigglier time in our nation’s history.
Knox Gelatin On-Camera Recipes from 1969:
The Knox On-Camera Recipes cookbook begins by educating us in the five types of gelatin which are as follows:
The Simple Gel
Unflavored Gelatin Snow
Lemon Chiffon Pie
And there you have it, Dear Readers, our first foray into learning about recipes for people who are all dead now.
Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.
Gregory goes to Sunday School Every week, but Gregory never listens and comes home with his own version of the story.
Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this week shall we?
The Lord’s Big Book of Sacrificing
One day, while Moses was walking by the tent belonging to the Lord, he heard God calling out to him.
“Is that you, Moses?”
“Yeah, how’d you know?”
“You’re the only one who has the nerve to walk by My tent.”
“Why is that?”
“I don’t know, but guess what? I, the Lord, just wrote another book!”
“No kidding? That’s quite an accomplishment! I’m super impressed! What’s it about?”
“I, the Lord, have taken the time to compile all the rules for getting on my good side by bringing me offerings and sacrificing animals and whatnot.”
“Cool! Is it a cookbook then?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, let’s say a Hebrew wanted to find it in the Alexandria library, for example, would he look in the cookbook section or in the sacrificing section?”
“But I thought somebody burned down the Alexandria library.”
“Yes, but I was just using the Alexandria library as an example. What I was really getting at is what genre would your book fall into?”
“Genre? Don’t you mean genie?”
“No, I mean, if you ever wanted to get your Big Book of Sacrifices published like on a scroll or on a stone tablet, your publisher is going to want to know what genre or “subject matter” your book is about. It helps them decide if they if they want to publish it — especially since you are a new author.”
“New author! Are you forgetting that I, the Lord, have already written a bestseller called the Ten Commandments?”
“Yes, Lord, but you self-published that one, and, frankly, I think the only reason it was so well received is because it had a number in the title. People love reading things with numbers in the title. You know, like, 7 Ways to Avoid the Mistakes of Adamand Eve or 11 Things You Can Build out of Leftover Unleavened Bread — that sort of thing, it makes information easier to skim.”
“What are you trying to say, Moses? That people have only skimmed The Ten Commandments?”
“Oh gosh no! The Ten Commandments? Heavens no! I couldn’t put it down, myself; it was a real stone-tablet turner!”
“Well, thank you.”
“So what else is in this new book, Lord?”
“Well, it has a section on exactly how my worshipers can lift my spirits by bringing me offerings of money and jewels, sweet-smelling incense and fine linens.”
“Excellent! People love nonfiction how-to’s!”
“There’s also a section on how I like my sacrifices prepared, I’ve even included important details about breaking a donkey’s neck, how to avoid cooking a young sheep or goat in its mother’s milk and how I don’t like My bread sacrificed with My meat.”
“Wonderful! Are you planning to include pictures and diagrams?”
“Uh . . .”
“What is it, Moses?”
“Well, Lord, people are more apt to be engaged in your message if You were to include some images.”
“You mean images of Me? But I don’t allow people to look at My face, you of all people should know that Moses!”
“Well, then, how about including some drawings — like a picture of a golden calf with a big red x on it, or you could include a diagram describing the best way to go about skinning a ram.”
“I see what you’re getting at here. Moses. That’s a great idea! Listen, what are you doing right now?”
“Just the usual, wandering around the desert with my sheep, why?”
“Why don’t you come in and help me work on my book. You weren’t planning to do anything for the next forty days and nights anyway were you?”
“I guess not –not now anyway.”
And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory. Please check back next week at this time to see what Gregory learned in Sunday school.
Oh Dear Readers! Look what crossed my path yesterday at the used bookstore!
Here’s 1963, Master’s Champion Jack Nicklaus singing the praises of the MacGregor Woods with their exclusive penetrating impregnation method! Wow! Now that’s impressive!
The ad goes on to explain that the exclusive penetrating impregnation method was the most talked about club feature in golf! (Well, I should say so!) “Because it let’s you use a wood with confidence in bad lies.” Gosh I wonder if Tiger knows about this?
Hey! Who doesn’t want to live in a world where shirts were only $5.00 raise your hand!
Stuffed shirts didn’t come any less wrinkle-free than in 1963 thanks to Docoma Breeze shirts boasting Grip-Tab, Dress ‘n Play, Blake collars — which only cool city dwellers could afford at $5 a pop. And if that didn’t make a man want to drive around Manhattan, mannequin-like, in a car three-sizes too small –1963 doesn’t know what did!
Don’t Worry Honey! Kent’s Micronite Filter makes cigarettes good for you!
Apparently back in 1963, the key to smoking fun was getting the cigarette to have the mildest taste of all! Kent was hoping that smokers wouldn’t put 2 and 2 together and realize that the mildest taste of all would be not smoking any cigarettes at all.
Question! What’s more fun than shooting guns with daddy? Shooting guns with daddy in the house! What else?
What better way for fathers to bond with their sons and to teach their sons to grow up to be men than by shooting bb guns with them in the house? Oh sure, a few of mother’s prized figureens may have to be sacrificed, and little Suzie’s buttox will probably never be the same — but it’s a small price to pay for teaching little boys what it really means to be a man — 1963 style!
Now then wasn’t that fun? I hope you liked our little foray into the world of 1963, Dear Readers!
Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Bible According to Gregory. Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning, shall we?
Satan Tests Job
Job was a biblical character who lived in the holy land of Uz believed by scholars to have been located somewhere over the rainbow — providing there had ever been enough moisture in the holy land to produce a rainbow.
Job was always extremely careful when it came to not sinning against the Lord.
Cut to the Lord’s Heavenly Conference Room where The Lord was having a meeting with various heavenly beings one of which was Satan himself:
The Lord: Did everybody get their handouts on Sacrificing Do’s and Don’t’s and does anybody have any questions? Yes, the heavenly being with the horns and the name tag that says Santa. What’s you question, Santa?
Satan: Yeah, my name’s not Santa, by the way, it’s Satan, that’s a typo I caused to happen. Bwahaha!
The Lord: I don’t get it, what do you mean by typo?
Satan: It’s a . . . oh never mind.
The Lord: So what have you been up to, Satan?
Satan: Oh you know, walking here and there, roaming around the earth and holding Idle Hands Workshops for the aristocrats, the usual.
The Lord: Well that’s just super! Say, did you happen to notice my servant, Job, he’s like the best worshiper I’ve ever had! He never does anything evil!
Satan:Yeah, that’s because he’s got 7,000 sheep, 3,000 camels, 1,000 head of cattle, 500 donkeys and lord only knows how many cats.
The Lord: That’s not true. I have no idea how many cats he has.
Satan: Bwahaha! There you go again with your sense of humor!
The Lord: My sense of what?
Satan: Never mind. Say, I’m just wondering . . . what about testing Job to see if he would still be such a Goodie-Two-Shoes if his life suddenly became a living hell. I could help you out with that.
The Lord: Well . . . . .
Satan:Ah come on!
The Lord: Well I guess, but only if you promise not to hurt Job. You know how hard it is nowadays to find a good Job.
Satan: Bwahaha! You crack me up!
The Lord: Am I to understand that is your awkwardly worded request stating your desire to be cracked up?
Satan: Say will you look at that! It’s half-past eternity already. Where does the time go? I gotta skedaddle. See ya around, Lord.
Sometime shortly thereafter the following events took place:
Job’s children were having a feast at the home of his oldest son when a servant came running up to Job, huffing and puffing:
Servant: We were plowing the fields and got attacked! All your donkeys were stolen and all your servants were killed!
Job: But they didn’t kill you?
Servant: Yeah . . . (still huffing and puffing) . . . except for me.
Job: Oh great you’re the only slave I have left? And you’re not even in that good of shape.
Then another servant came running up to Job, huffing and puffing.
Servant: Lightening just struck all the sheep and shepherds and everyone was killed but me.
Job: Hmm . . . I’m starting to sense a pattern here.
Just then another servant came running up to Job, huffing and puffing.
Servant: Your children were having a feast at the home of your oldest son when a storm swept in and blew the house down and killed them all.
Job: Except for you . .
Servant: Yeah, how’d you know?
Job: Lucky guess.
After that Job tore his clothes in grief and shaved his head which was the standard biblical procedure when someone a) broke a new pottery water-carrying vessel b) misplaced their dreidel or c) had all their children and animals slaughtered by Satan.
This is about the time the Lord turned on his Heavenly Conference Room hidden earth video camera and observed Job when he said, “I was born with nothing and I will die with nothing. The Lord gave, and now he has taken away. May His name be praised!
In spite of everything that had happened, Job did not sin by blaming The Lord.
It’s a good thing too since Job had nothing left to kill.
And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday school this week, come back next week at this same to so see what new bible lesson Gregory learned about!