The Vegetable Lady Answers Some Questions

Dear Readers!  What a treat we have in store for us today!  The Vegetable Lady has been kind enough to stop by the blog and answer some of our most pressing vegetable questions!

A picture of a lady with a big toothy Grin Linda Vernon Humor
The Vegetable Lady will answer some questions

Our first question, Vegetable Lady, comes to us from  Reader, Phillip Flep, who asks: what is your favorite way to prepare tomatoes?

Tomatoes?  Golly Jeepers whenever I think of tomatoes, I always think of Christmas because that’s when Daddy, before he got lost at sea, would bring in a big platter of tomatoes, graham crackers and chocolate and  Mommy would set the Christmas tree on fire, and we’d make Smores!

Before Daddy bit into his, he would always say  “If I never see you again I love you,” but Golly Jeepers!  Mother and I could never figure out if he was talking to us or to the Smores.

This next question comes to us from Reader, Agamemnon Applebee, who asks: What’s the best way to get peas out of their pods?

Golly Jeepers it took Mother and I so long to figure that out!  Right after Daddy got lost at sea, we were awfully impoverished, so we had to live off peas until Mother and I  joined the circus.

Golly Jeepers!  It wasn’t easy to figure out how to get peas out of their pods until one day Mother borrowed a microscope and found out there was a teeny-tiny zipper in each pod!  Golly Jeepers!  I finally had time to get back to my sword swallowing practice after we found that out!

Our last question comes from Reader, Toots Tubaleeno, who asks:  What’s the best way to roast corn on the cob?

Well, after Mother and I joined the circus, Mother started roasting all our corn on the cob by positioning the cob between her teeth while  performing her flame juggling routine!  Golly Jeepers that was some good corn!

One night Mother set her beard on fire, which totally ruined her moonlighting job as the bearded lady in the freak show.  But Golly Jeepers! Mother sure went out on a lot more dates after that.

So let’s get this straight, Vegetable Lady, you’re telling us that your father was lost at sea, you set your Christmas Tree on fire every year to roast tomato smores, your mother is a bearded flame juggler and you swallow swords in your spare time?

Golly Jeepers!  When you put it that way it does sound a little strange.  I forgot to explain that I never swallow swords that don’t have a carrot stuck to the end!   Oh I’m so glad I remembered to add that!  Golly Jeepers! You would have thought I was pretty weird!

Well thank you for answering some questions for us today Vegetable Lady!

drawing by Linda Vernon Humor of the vegetable lady

Golly Jeepers!  You’re welcome!

* * *

Until next time, I love you

Crochet Your Way to Happiness!

Welcome Dear Readers! Here is a 1984 crocheting booklet that I was lucky enough to score at the thrift shop yesterday! YES! (Okay, nobody else wanted them, but still!)

Let’s Look Inside Annie’s Pattern Club Newsletter!

Humorous 80's commentary
Isn’t it  inexplicably wonderful?

Annie’s Pattern Club was (or possibly still is) a newsletter where mega-talented crocheters crocheted something original and then sent the pattern to Annie, and she would publish the cream-of-the-crop designs her newsletter.

And as you will see, never have so many people come up with so many crocheted solutions for so many things that were never a problem  in the first place.  Let’s look at a few, shall we?

Crocheted Football Mitts

Crocheted Football Mitts. Why didn't they ever "catch" on? Why?
“Gosh!  I don’t understand it.  Billy went to play football with the guys and he didn’t take his  Crocheted Football Mitts I made him.”
“Well that’s weird, maybe he didn’t want the rest of the players to feel bad because they don’t have a pair of Crocheted Football Mitts.”
“You know you’re probably right. I’ll get busy and crochet some mitts for the whole team!”
 

Church Puppet

Storybook Puppet
Need: Attention Getting Device to Keep Children Focused on Bible Stories.
Crocheted Solution: A church puppet, not to be confused the a church pulpit. (Although, a dust cozy for a church pulpit probably would have  made it into Annie’s Newsletter too.)  But what better way for little children to learn about the bible than through the crocheted lips of this memorable, but-not-in-a-good-way church puppet.  Oh sure it might give the little tikes nightmares, but they’ll certainly never forget the experience (no matter how hard they try).

Lil Guy Tie

Little Guy Tie
“Oh no Helen! I can’t find little Billy’s tie anywhere, and we’re going to be late for the formal occasion for which toddler formal attire  is required. What ever shall I do?”
“Don’t worry, Madge! While you were blabbing on and on just now, I knitted Little Billy a tie, a pair of football mitts and a church puppet.”
“Oh Helen I’m blown away!  Maybe you could crochet me something to wear to a formal occasion while you’re at it.”

What to wear to a formal occasion in the 80’s

Formal ocassion attire 80's style
“Here’s some formal attire I knitted for you while you were blowing your nose, Madge. I think it’s perfect for any formal gathering don’t you?”
“DO I! I’ll be the talk of the town wearing this outfit, Helen. Thank you!”
“You are so welcome, Midge!”
“Uh my name’s Madge.”
“Yeah whatever.  And remember, I’m only loaning you my hat!”

And there you have it Dear Readers!  Now get out there and crochet your hearts out!

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Great King of Sodom Camel Mix-up

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s bible stories. 

In today’s Sunday school lesson, Gregory learned about how Abram gave away the spoils of war to the King of Sodom.   He couldn’t help imagining how it all might have happened. 

 

LInda Vernon humoous bible storiesThe Great King of Sodom Camel Mix-up

 

As you will remember from the last lesson, Abram (God’s new best friend after Noah died) had just rescued his nephew, Lot,  from five evil kings with unpronounceable names who had kidnapped Lot and held him captive at Chedorlaomer. (Pronounced -Chedder-lame-o — named after a biblical tribe of people who were horrible at making cheese.)

King of Sodom, the Camel

Then everybody went back to Abram’s place and they held a big celebration with the King of Sodom and the King of Salem.  The king of Salem later went on to have a cigarette named after him and, it is rumored, that the King of Sodom later went on to have a camel named after him.

The Feast

The King of Salem was also a priest of The God Most High, so when everyone had finished feasting on goat hotcakes and were sitting around smoking Salem’s cigarettes, they all started yelling “Speech! Speech!” because in biblical days listening to speeches was on everybody’s bucket list, even God’s.

The King of Salem whose name was Melchizedek (Mel) took the floor:

Mel:  Abram, may The God Most High who made heaven and earth bless you!  Be praised, Abram,  because you gave us victories over all our enemies and as a token of our appreciation we are giving you some–

Abram:  Goat hotcakes?

Mel:  No I was gonna say some bread and wine.

Abram:  Does the bread at least come with syrup?

Mel: Sorry no.

Abram:  Now wait a minute here, Mel.  After going to war and defeating five kings for you and your wives and your slaves and managing to save every one of your asses, this is the thanks I get from The God Most High?

Mel:  Apparently.   But let me double-check my  Excel Spread Stone.  Let’s see . . . yup  It says the standard reward for defeating five kings is Bread and Wine.  The standard reward for defeating four kings is Goat Hotcakes.

Abram:  I’ll take a downgrade then.

Mel:  You can’t take a downgrade!  Nobody ever takes a downgrade!

Abram:  Yeah, well I’m Abram, and I’m best friends with the Manager, The God Most High.

Mel:  Well why didn’t you say so in the first place?  Just let me run it by my supervisor first.

Abram:  Who’s that?

Mel:  The God Most Medium.

Mel walks to a corner of the tent, closes his eyes for a few minutes and then returns.

Abram:  So what’d he say?

Mel:  He said he can pull some strings and downgrade you to Goat Hotcakes but only if you give away ten percent of the loot you collected from the spoils battle.

Then the King of Sodom took the floor.

King of Sodom:  Look, Abram, you don’t have to give me anything.  I just want all my people back.  I love my people . . . maybe a little too much, but still!

Abram:  “I solemnly swear before the Lord, The God Most High, Maker of Heaven and Earth that I will not keep anything of yours, not even a thread or a sandal strap!”

King of Sodom:   What about buttons?

Abram:   . . . and therefore, King of Sodom, you can never say, ‘I am the one who made Abram rich’ because I will take nothing for myself. And furthermore, I will accept only what my men have used.

King of Sodom:  Well okay, suit yourself.  So I guess the only thing left to do now is load up the spoils of war onto the The King of Sodom’s back.

Abram:  I don’t believe my ears!  You mean, you, the King of Sodom, will be carrying the spoils of war on your back?

King of Sodom:  No silly! I was talking about King of Sodom, my camel.

And a good laugh was had by all.

And there you have it, Dear Readers.  Please check back next week at this time to find out what Gregory learns about the bible next 

Until next time . . . I love you

This story was loosely based on Genesis: 17-24

 

The Journey back to Sodom
The Journey back to Sodom

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Were We Thinking Eighties

Welcome Dear Readers to the very first edition of What Were We Thinking Eighties.  Let’s start with some 1984 crocheting booklets that I was lucky enough to score at the thrift shop yesterday! YES! (Okay, nobody else wanted them, but still!)

Let’s Look Inside Annie’s Pattern Club Newsletter!

Humorous 80's commentary
Isn’t it  inexplicably wonderful?

Annie’s Pattern Club was (or possibly still is) a newsletter where mega-talented crocheters crocheted something original and then sent the pattern to Annie, and she would publish the cream-of-the-crop designs her newsletter.

And as you will see, never have so many people come up with so many crocheted solutions for so many things that were never a problem  in the first place.  Let’s look at a few, shall we?

Crocheted Football Mitts

Crocheted Football Mitts.  Why didn't they ever "catch" on?  Why?
“Gosh!  I don’t understand it.  Billy went to play football with the guys and he didn’t take his  Crocheted Football Mitts I made him.”
“Well that’s weird, maybe he didn’t want the rest of the players to feel bad because they don’t have a pair of Crocheted Football Mitts.”
“You know you’re probably right. I’ll get busy and crochet some mitts for the whole team!”
 

Church Puppet

Storybook Puppet
Need: Attention Getting Device to Keep Children Focused on Bible Stories.
Crocheted Solution: A church puppet, not to be confused the a church pulpit. (Although, a dust cozy for a church pulpit probably would have  made it into Annie’s Newsletter too.)  But what better way for little children to learn about the bible than through the crocheted lips of this memorable, but-not-in-a-good-way church puppet.  Oh sure it might give the little tikes nightmares, but they’ll certainly never forget the experience (no matter how hard they try).

Lil Guy Tie

Little Guy Tie
“Oh no Helen! I can’t find little Billy’s tie anywhere, and we’re going to be late for the formal occasion for which toddler formal attire  is required. What ever shall I do?”
“Don’t worry, Madge! While you were blabbing on and on just now, I knitted Little Billy a tie, a pair of football mitts and a church puppet.”
“Oh Helen I’m blown away!  Maybe you could crochet me something to wear to a formal occasion while you’re at it.”

What to wear to a formal occasion in the 80’s

Formal ocassion attire 80's style
“Here’s some formal attire I knitted for you while you were blowing your nose, Madge. I think it’s perfect for any formal gathering don’t you?”
“DO I! I’ll be the talk of the town wearing this outfit, Helen. Thank you!”
“You are so welcome, Midge!”
“Uh my name’s Madge.”
“Yeah whatever.  And remember, I’m only loaning you my hat!”

And there you have it Dear Readers, this blogs very first installment of What Were We Thinking Eighties.  

Until next time . . . I love you

The Vegetable Lady Answers Some Questions

Dear Readers!  What a treat we have in store for us today!  The Vegetable Lady has been kind enough to stop by the blog and answer some of our most pressing vegetable questions!

A picture of a lady with a big toothy Grin Linda Vernon Humor
The Vegetable Lady will answer some questions

Our first question, Vegetable Lady, comes to us from  Reader, Phillip Flep, who asks: what is your favorite way to prepare tomatoes?

Tomatoes?  Golly Jeepers whenever I think of tomatoes, I always think of Christmas because that’s when Daddy, before he got lost at sea, would bring in a big platter of tomatoes, graham crackers and chocolate and  Mommy would set the Christmas tree on fire, and we’d make Smores!

Before Daddy bit into his, he would always say  “If I never see you again I love you,” but Golly Jeepers!  Mother and I could never figure out if he was talking to us or to the Smores.

This next question comes to us from Reader, Agamemnon Applebee, who asks: What’s the best way to get peas out of their pods?

Golly Jeepers it took Mother and I so long to figure that out!  Right after Daddy got lost at sea, we were awfully impoverished, so we had to live off peas until Mother and I  joined the circus.

Golly Jeepers!  It wasn’t easy to figure out how to get peas out of their pods until one day Mother borrowed a microscope and found out there was a teeny-tiny zipper in each pod!  Golly Jeepers!  I finally had time to get back to my sword swallowing practice after we found that out!

Our last question comes from Reader, Toots Tubaleeno, who asks:  What’s the best way to roast corn on the cob?

Well, after Mother and I joined the circus, Mother started roasting all our corn on the cob by positioning the cob between her teeth while  performing her flame juggling routine!  Golly Jeepers that was some good corn!

One night Mother set her beard on fire, which totally ruined her moonlighting job as the bearded lady in the freak show.  But Golly Jeepers! Mother sure went out on a lot more dates after that.

So let’s get this straight, Vegetable Lady, you’re telling us that your father was lost at sea, you set your Christmas Tree on fire every year to roast tomato smores, your mother is a bearded flame juggler and you swallow swords in your spare time?

Golly Jeepers!  When you put it that way it does sound a little strange.  I forgot to explain that I never swallow swords that don’t have a carrot stuck to the end!   Oh I’m so glad I remembered to add that!  Golly Jeepers! You would have thought I was pretty weird!

Well thank you for answering some questions for us today Vegetable Lady!

drawing by Linda Vernon Humor of the vegetable lady

Golly Jeepers!  You’re welcome!

* * *

Until next time, I love you