Well, I’m happy to report, Dear Reader, that I have just received an important dispatch from my friends (practically my blood brothers, really) at AARP! Guess what? AARP thinks I’m “fully eligible” for their membership.
Which, of course, is their thinly veiled way of saying I’m old,– very, very old . . . and now it’s official!
And on top of that, if I give $16 to AARP, they will give me these benefits that aren’t available anywhere else:
Gee, I’m so overcome with emotion, I’m getting tear stains all over my Hoveround . . .
Because for 16 dollars AARP is giving me:
AARP, The Magazine! Which is great and all –but if they aren’t including the loaded gun which would have to be held to my head in order to get me to read it — AARP, The Magazine! isn’t much good to me now, is it?
Discounts that save me money! Uh, I’m sorry AARP, but I kind of prefer discounts that DON’T save me money. Call it crazy. Call it wacky. Call it maybe my Depends are too tight. I don’t know. I guess I just feel like being cantankerous because I’m so very, very old . . . oops . . . I mean so I’m so very, very “fully eligible”.
Strengthening Social Security, protecting Medicare . . . including fighting age discrimination for all! Hey listen, AARP, you’re the one calling old people names like “fully eligible.” So here’s a little suggestion. Why don’t you start fighting age discrimination by socking yourself in the eye!
Access to health insurance . . . access huh? What kind of access? Handicap access? Hoverround access? Oh maybe AARP means they’re going to give me the idea (for $16) to access the internet so I can find myself some health insurance.
And just in case all these AARP Benefits don’t make me want to reach my arthritic hand into my sock and pull out $16, they are throwing in this FREE GIFT (that only costs $16.)!
As you can see, AARP knows us geezer people don’t like to stumble out to our cars and head down the wrong side of the road without plenty of liquids because us “fully eligible-sters” often get dehydrated causing us to do senile things like drive through plate-glass windows and buying $16 worth of NOTHING from AARP.
All I can say is Aaarrrrppppp! Has anybody seen the Pepto Bismal?
Until next time . . . I love you