Toodle Doesn’t Give A Fig


Unless you’re a gifted and talented psychic or are renting-to-own a time machine, the future is a place most of us haven’t spent a lot of time knocking around in.

So the only thing we can do about the future is prepare for it in a way we think we’re going to like years from now.

That’s why when we lovingly tuck away Toodle’s first-grade dinosaur coloring book with the other 783 pictures that tiny Toodles drew during the month of April 1987 (using only his blue crayon) along with a clip of his hair and a wad of his first piece of chewing gum in a waterproof, earthquake proof, nuclear-plant meltdown safe container, we know Toodle will thank us from the bottom of his heart one day when he wants to show someone how wonderful he was.

So even though we secretly suspected that  the twice-a-year school pictures multiplied by 12 years might be a tad too much Toodle, we lovingly  preserved  what turned out to be 14,000 pictures of Toodle in every conceivable stage of growing up in  247 boxes labeled ” Toodles –Important” and carefully stored them in the Toodle designated storage area called the garage.

Will Toodle really want all this memoribilia someday?  Answer: no.

So why do parents do this? For one reason and one reason only.   To prevent the following nightmarish scenerio in which the storage of Toodle’s memoribilia went terribly terribly wong.

Fast forward to the year 2040

You and your husband are relaxing on the stainless steel couch sipping Clockwork Orange juice  in matching white jumpsuits looking exactly as you do now only with a tiny bit of gray at each temple.  In pops Toodle looking just like he did in first grade only taller.

“Mother, Father, I’d like you to meet my new girlfriend ThX1138. She wants to see my first grade picture.”

You dash to the garage.  Instead of reaching for the Box labeled Toodle’s First Grade Pictures, BOX 1 of 45,  you manage to find one crummy shoebox smooshed behind the lawn mower with the words “What’s His Name” scribbled on top.   Hands slightly shaking, you carefully lift the lid and are horrified to find just one lousy picture of Toodle with the words “what’s his name, age 8 or possibly 9” scribbled on the back in blue crayon.  Averting your eyes from Toodles’s piercing gaze, you carefully hand it to THX1138.

She takes it in her slender hand and asks, “Why’s there gum on it?”

You run to your to your room and cry yourself to sleep for being such a horrible parent.

The reality?

Much as we would like to think that our future selves will appreciate the efforts of said self here in the present, we got another thing coming.

Until next time . . . I love you

20 thoughts on “Toodle Doesn’t Give A Fig

  1. I think a better question is why, if Toodles has a real (if odd) name, is he dating a girl who must be much younger, since she was born after the Great Name Purge of 2022?
    Also – we still use lawnmowers in the future? Hell, I’m going to have to start doing back stretches…

    • El Guapo you are such a braniac. You actually were able to not only follow what was going on in THX 1138, but you retained it as well, it’s impressive that’s all. I saw a funny twitter about that movie. It was something like “today we would just say Thanks 1138! As for lawnmowers in the future, they will probably be made out of stainless steel and have a consciousness and drive themselves if that’s any consolation. Why do I know this? Because the future belongs to those who make it up!!

  2. the funy thing about the future… in in our grandchildrens lives they will be living closer to one hundred and fifty years old. the thing with that is your nose and ears never quit growing (grin) what about a thousand years from now?? (~_~) hey, loved your humorous post …

  3. This post really resonated with me. Not only because you stole my top boy/girl combo-gender name Toodle, but because my parents sold my childhood home and have been dumping all my childhood belongings in my back porch. No joke, I come home and Bam! My 20-something year old red tricycle. Next day, Boom! My Barbies from 1991 with Midge (the red-headed one) wearing the hippest Madonna-esque outfit in the bunch. Day after that – Zing! My blue bin of legos and Cabbage Patch doll clothes (no doll itself has turned up yet). I keep saying to my fiance “maybe our kids will want it someday.” He kindly reminds me that no kid wants a rusted out red tricycle from 1984.

    • That’s sooo funny Erin! I know when we moved from our last house I had Jackie go through the boxes and boxes of memoribilia I saved for her and I think she wanted about three things. But at least it gave me some writing material. That’s one good thing about having a blog.

      Save all that stuff. Have Steve refurbish that tricycle, because someday you’ll have kids of your own to give it to who won’t appreciate it either. Ha Ha. And those Barbies and Cabbage Patch kids are probably worth something already! Just check e-bay before your throw anything away. Oh and I had a Midge doll too (the original Midge no less!) with short, bubble-cut red hair. And I’ll bet you anything she’s worth her weight in gold now! And 100 years from now think how much that Madonna Barbie will be worth. Cha-Ching!

      • I know what you mean. I will probably keep that tricycle just to have my future child, Twinkles (since as I mentioned, you stole Toodle! 😉 ), say “Ew mom that’s GROSS. Why would I want something 30 years old when I can have something new. And plus, no one RIDES tricycles anymore. We all use Tricycle Simulation Experimentation. DUH.”

  4. In the future, I will just preserve my child. I will carefully and thoughtfully bio-genetically freeze little Toodles. Then there will be no need of preserving his/her useless drawing.

  5. I stored up all my childhood books – being an avid reader I thought my kids would some day gaze in wonder at them thanking me for hauling them around for all these years and all these moves….Hah! I did get lucky anbd ended up with one – 7yo who went apeshit when she happened to peek in the box. Now – the 7 boxes of 18 yo’s crap I have been hauling from place to place fro the last 5 or 6 years – dolls drawings, etc etc when I told her about them she said – wow mom I can’t believe you did that – what a bunch of junk. they are going away – not even opened. Oh and the Avon perfume dolls from Avon (of course) that my grandmother got me every year every holiday for like 12 years – still full of perfume – they ought to be worth something right? Yea in the box in the garage they sure aren’t!

    Is the gray really necessary? I want to not have any if we are that advanced to be drinking Clockwork Orange Juice in white jumpsuits on the stainless steel couch. – No grays! lol…

    • You’re batting one out of six! Is that a good batting average? God bless that 7 year old!! That makes the carting, lugging, pushing and shoving all worth it! Your 18 year old sounds like a kick in the pants. She’s comes up with the funniest stuff!

      I would have saved all the Avon perfume my Grandma gave me too. I saved all my grandmothers letters she wrote me for years and years. Then durng the last move I started re-reading them. No offense to my wonderful Grandmother, but they were really boring. Mostly about the weather. I think in the olden days people were a lot more interested in the weather. It was kind of like their TV. And no, you are right! The gray is definitely not cool for the future. I’ll have to revise that to stainless steel! 🙂

  6. I love the rent-to-own time travel machine idea. So much better than the lay-away plan I’m using. By the time I get that thing paid off I won’t want it anymore. 😉
    And while doing some closet cleaning this weekend I found a baby diary for my first born (didn’t do one for the second, you know how that goes!). I figured I’d write a little summary at the end and send it off to son #1 so he can have the pleasure of tossing the thing in the trash. Such joys should be shared, don’t you think? Enjoy always, T

    • Ha! And yes I know what you mean about the second! Millions of years from now archeologists will dig up our culture and come to the conclusion that each couple only had one child! 🙂

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