The First 100 Words of Constanza Credenza

Welcome Dear Readers!  While I was climbing to the top of Wednesday, I  accidentally slipped and fell into Thursday.  I coudn’t reach my computer as  it was still in Wednesday!   My computer finally caught up with me this morning!  Just in time for Friday Fictioneers on Thursday.  Yay!   A round of calendars for everyone — on me!

Thank you to Rochelle at Rochelle Wisoff-Fields-Addicted to Purple who’s hard work makes it possible for us to have so much 100-word writing fun!

This week’s picture is brought to us by Claire Fuller.  Visit   Claire Fuller   and read about her fantastic novel publishing success!

claire-fuller-2

The First 100 Words of Constanza Credenza

Constanza Credenza had horrible eyes

She saw splotches and blotches (they weren’t organized)

She’d grope around blindly while trying to fake

Like she knew that the pie she was eating was cake

 

Constanza Credenza had horrible feet

Whenever she put on her Keds they’d preheat

So that placing a piece of white bread on her shoe

Would cause it to toast to a golden brown hue

 

Constanza  Credenza was horribly rude

Plus when she sat down her pancreas moo-ed!

The poor dear, she drank and was often besotted

(But to list all her faults takes more words than allotted)

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Until next time . . . I love you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pa Pa Riddle Rumper

Pa Pa Riddle Rumper

Pa Pa Riddle Rumper ol’ man Chew

He don’t chew tabaccy and he don’t chew stew

And he don’t chew stew

And he don’t like you!

Pa Pa Riddle Rumper ol’ man Chew

"What are you chewing, Old Man Chew? Stew?" No!  I'm not chewing anything!  Read the poem idiot!"
“Are you chewing stew?”
“No! I’m not chewing anything! Read the poem, idiot!”

 

Pa Pa Riddle Rumper ol’ man Chaw

He don’t know nothin’ and he hates his ma

And he hates his ma

And he pesters his pa!

Pa Pa Riddle Rumper ol’ man Chaw

"What are you staring at?  Haven't you ever seen goldfish feet before?  I'm going to go pester my Pa now."
“What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen goldfish shoes before? My mom made me wear them. I’m telling Daddy!”

 

Pa Pa Riddle Rumper Flack Jack Flea

He don’t know nothin’ cuz he just can’t see

Cuz he just can’t see

Cuz he drank beef tea!

Pa Pa Riddle Rumper Flack Jack Flea

"You sure that's beef tea?  I can't see."
“Are you sure that’s not beef tea?  It causes blindness you know, although I suppose that’s probably a moot point now.”

 

Pa Pa Riddle Rumper Nickerbocker Nug

I’ll take a sip from your crummy ol’ jug

From your crummy ol’ jug

That you always do lug!

Pa Pa Riddle Rumper Nickerbocker Nug

"It may be a crummy old jug, but it's my crummy old jug!"
“It may be a crummy old jug, but at least it’s my crummy old jug.  Some people don’t have any jugs at all!

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Until next time  . . . I love you

Hey what about me?  Don't I get a stanza? No.  Go get your own poem.
“Hey what about me? Don’t I get a stanza?”
“No. Go get your own poem. Now scram!”

 

Tarry Not Dear Gwendolyn

Horrible Art by Linda Vernon

Tary Not Dear Gwendolyn

Tary not Dear Gwendolyn

In TJ Max or Sears

Your bank account’s in shambles

And your bills are in arrears

 

 

Tary not Dear Gwendolyn

On stationery (lined)

That credit card you just ran through?

It’s sure to be declined.

 

Tary not Dear Gwendolyn

Over bobbles do not fuss

It would serve you well to keep in mind

You can’t afford the bus

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Until next time . . . I love you

Precious Pet Stories

Precious Pet Stories

Oh Snitz!

Our beloved and precious Snitz was a vivacious goldfish with volumes of get up and go and a heart as big as all get out. Her high-spirited antics and fuzzy little carbonated smile would keep us all aglow through many a hard time.

That is why when our cat, Fritz, knocked over Snitz’s water and played with Snitz until she was just a limp little reminder of better days, we rushed right out and bought another goldfish.

And even though we have another vivacious goldfish with volumes of get up and go and a heart as big as all get out, we did learn a good lesson.

You really can’t tell one goldfish from another.

Snitz was one (or possibly 450,000) in a million!

A Skunk by Any Other Name

I named my pet skunk Trouble because I could smell him a mile away.

At first I thought it would be cool to name him Maltese in memory of my pet falcon. But then I thought there really wasn’t much similarity between my pet falcon and my pet skunk except they both came running when I called “here kitty, kitty.”

I’ll never forget the day I found Trouble in the park. There was something in his air and manner of walking . . . I knew he had to be mine. I quickly snatched him up and ran down the path and into the street where I was hit by a bus.

Not the exact bus that hit me but one god awful like it.

Trouble flew out of my arms and landed 5,280 feet away and that’s when I noticed that even though all my arms and legs were broken, I could still smell Trouble. So I guess my choice of names was right on!

Oh Danny Boy

I know it has been said that a hamster by any other name would be a rodent and there was a time when I would have agreed with that. That is until Danny saved my life. I was hiking in the Rockies at the time. Of course, I took Danny along because he was a hunting hamster with papers.

I had just sat down to catch my breath when I saw a coiled rattler only inches from Danny and me.

Then, in the blink of an eye, it was just the rattler and me. It seems a hawk had swooped down and got poor Danny. As I watched him dangle from the hawk’s powerful talons, I stood up to give Danny a farewell salute.

Just then the rattler bit me. And that’s when Danny . . . wait a minute . . . well, never mind about the part where I said Danny saved my life.

Thanks for nothin’ Danny.

Until next time . . . I love you

My Brain Peanuts Remembers: Childhood Illnesses

Welcome, Dear Readers, to another edition of My Brain, Peanuts, remembers.  

Today topic:  Childhood Illnesses

Back in the 50’s, life was a lot more dangerous than it is now, we just didn’t know it. Luckily, none of us realized that it was just dumb luck that we survived at all.

Because back in the 50’s, the only people who wore seat belts were test pilots.  The only people who didn’t smoke and drink like Chimney Fish were nuns.   And the only people who didn’t eat lard morning, noon and night were, of course, test-pilot nuns.

We fifties babies were issued one vaccine in the hospital for small pox, and then we were sent home to not die of smallpox. But for everything else, we babies were on our own.

We had to take our chances out there in the cold, cruel, lard-infested world with nary a helmet, a shin pad or a government-approved baby car seat to protect us. (To be fair, my baby brother did have a car seat.  It hooked to the middle of the front seat and had a steering wheel.)

Come to think of it, just making it home from the hospital alive was a miracle.  Since there were no car seats,  I suppose some babies might have bought the farm by rolling off the back seat when Dad slammed on his brakes.

But whenever that happened I think they just flipped a uey and went right back to the hospital and grabbed another baby.  After all, this was the 50’s, and there were plenty more where that came from.

Fun Fact:  Whenever anyone ordered a round for the bar back in the 50’s, they were talking about a round of babies. 

Anyway, once we made it home alive, the first thing we did was get sick with one of the following childhood illnesses:

Measles:  

Measles were little red spots that would suddenly appear all over your body. One minute you’d be pulling the string on your Chatty Cathy and then next minute,  Ping!  Ping! Ping!  You’ve got the measles! They didn’t hurt or itch or anything.  You just had to go around looking stupid.

There were two  types of measles:  The Three-day Measles and the dreaded . . .  gulp . . . Red Measles!   Everybody said you could die from the Red Measles, so you got to eat more ice cream with the Red Measles than with the Three-Day Measles because that bowl of vanilla ice cream you were enjoying just might be your last.

When I had  the Red Measles, my mother wouldn’t let me watch television because they thought that watching TV when you had the Red Measles could cause blindness. Honestly!  So I listened to soap operas on the radio. It’s the only time I ever listened to soap operas broadcast over the radio.  And on a scale of one to ten enjoyment-wise, I’d give radio soap operas a measly one, frankly.

Mumps: 

Okay, mumps were the weirdest thing ever.  First of all,  there’s the name Mumps. To me it always sounded like something you’d call the grandpa you didn’t like very well.  “Oh great here comes Grandpa Mumps!  Quick hide the pie!”

But also, if you thought you looked stupid when you had the measles,  it was nothing and I mean nothing compared to the stupid you looked when you had the Mumps.

Warning:  I’m going to stick a picture in here of someone who has the Mumps.  If you’re eating, you might want to leave the room:

Girl with Mumps

Okay, I googled mumps and this came up.  I have no idea what is going on here, but whatever it is, it doesn’t seem to be going well.

I have a feeling Grandpa Mumps is behind this!

 

Tonsillitis:

Back in the 50’s,  9 out of 10 kids, chose tonsillitis as their “go to” stay home from school illness.  I know I did.  And so did my brother, Peter.   Peter,  however, pulled it one too many times and suffered a fate worse than staying home everyday getting to eat ice cream.  “He had to have his tonsils pulled.”  Mind you, he could have had “a procedure to have his tonsils removed”  but they didn’t sugar coat things back in the fifties — except for every morsel of food you put in your mouth.

Having your tonsils out was a little bit better than having the Red Measles though. For one thing, you got to watch TV without the worry of  going blind(unless you had a really bad surgeon) and you got to bang on a pan with a spoon if you need more ice cream because it hurt to yell “Can I have more ice cream!”

All in all, having your tonsils out wasn’t such a bad thing.  Except you never got to use it as an excuse to stay home from school again so it definitely had it’s down-side.

Unless you were lucky enough to come down with an appendicitis — but back in the 50’s we were still using our appendix as a second stomach.  We still needed our second stomachs.

After all, we had a lot of lard to digest.

And there you have it, Dear Readers.  Do you have any childhood illnesses you’d like to remember . . . or perhaps forget?

Until next time . . . I love you

Friday Fictioneers: Babette Bladderini Gets a Better Part

Guess what Dear Readers?  I was running in the house yesterday and somebody left a calendar on the floor and I tripped over Tuesday and landed flat on my Wednesday.  Luckily, I was able to hobble to my keyboard and cobble together a 100-word story for this week’s Friday Fictioneers.

Björn Rudberg provided the picture this week.  He’s a really wonderful writer and you can magically materialize over at his blog and check out all his great stuff here   → Yes! I want to magically materialize over at Bjorn’s Blog!

Little Village
Copyright – Björn Rudberg

Babette Bladderini Gets a Better Part

The day Babette Bladderini was killed in a landslide was a strange blessing. Babette was born between bullets exchanged by the Bladderini clan and their mortal enemies, the Parcheesi’s.

While being born, a bullet grazed Babette’s head, leaving a permanent part in her hair a little too far to the left, and Babette’s fate was sealed.  She lived her entire existence never knowing a good hair day.

Then, a landslide.  The Parcheesi house slid over the top of Babette’s head, killing her instantly while simultaneously parting her hair right down the middle.

Oh that fate.  Always a day late and a dollar short.

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Until next time . . . I love you

If you would like to try your hand at  Friday Fictioneers, pop over to our Friday Fictioneers’ hostess’s blog at Rochelle Wisoff-Fields-Addicted to Purple and Rochelle to get all the details.  And don’t worry, she won’t give you an apron and a big stack of dishes to wash.  (I think she finally got her dishwasher fixed).

What the Scientists are Thinking About

"Ow!  You're crushing my fingers!"
“Ow!  Daddy this fish’s handshake is crushing my bones.”
“Ha ha! That’s not a fish, honey, it’s a marine mammal!”

Research Shows that Dolphins Are Ten Times Stronger than Human Athletes

Researchers at the Liquid Life Laboratory at West Chester University headed by a researcher actually named, Frank Fish, set out to determine whether a dolphin is ten times stronger than a human athlete.

Some of  Frank Fish’s colleagues –Paul Porpoise and Mary Marine-Mammal — wanted the research to determine whether dolphins were five times as strong as  as human athletes but apparently Frank Fish has to have his own way or he’ll end up pouting even more than usual.

Using nothing but a scuba tank and an ordinary garden soaker, the researchers watched the vortices in the water created by the dolphins to determine how fast the dolphins  were swimming.

The researchers were able to determine that the  dolphins were swimming way, way faster than a human athlete, that’s for sure, but are holding off on  announcing their findings until they double check  what the word “vortices” means again.

What did the hyena cross the road? To get to the better jokes! Now that's funny!
“What did the hyena cross the road?”
“To get to the better jokes!”
“Ahhahaha!  Now that’s funny!”

Hyenas could possibly be as bright as some primates — but either way have a much better sense of humor

Researchers have discovered that Hyenas are adept at solving problems and can even count (which would explain their excellent comedic timing).  Scientists now believe that the hyenas may even have intelligence levels that match some primates.

After studying the expressions on  hyenas’ faces ad nauseam,  researchers have concluded that hyenas can assess the size of a competing pack by listening to the rival packs’  laughter — to determine if the rival  pack out number them as well as whether or not the  jokes the rival pack of hyenas were laughing at were actually funny.

Scientists also observed that hyenas solved problems through trial and error. When the hyenas were confronted with a box of food, the hyenas tried to get it out trying different methods until they were successful — causing scientists to be even more impressed with the  intelligence of the hyenas — because apparently none of the scientists has ever owned a dog or a cat.

The scientists were quick to point out,  however,  that scientists are still smarter than hyenas.

Yes I could just tell you the answer, but first, let me explaining starting with creation and working my way up the timeline of mankind.
“Yes I know the correct answer, dear, but first let me clarify things by going back to the creation of the universe then working my way up the time line of events  year by year until we get  to present the day.”

Do You Suffer From Hindsight Bias?

Those who “knew the answer all along” may not be quite as clever as they are making themselves out to be,” say researchers at Northwestern University in Chicago.

After studying this “thinking you know something when you don’t” phenomenon, they  have come to the conclusion that people too often feel they knew something all along, but actually didn’t — they just thought they did.  Researchers call this phenomenon: Hindsight Bias.

However, a  group of highly-respected women who have been studying the  phenomenon  for the past 37 years have come up with what they feel is a more appropriate term for hindsight bias:  Husbands.

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Until next time . . . I love you