Welcome Dear Readers! While I was climbing to the top of Wednesday, I accidentally slipped and fell into Thursday. I coudn’t reach my computer as it was still in Wednesday! My computer finally caught up with me this morning! Just in time for Friday Fictioneers on Thursday. Yay! A round of calendars for everyone — on me!
Our beloved and precious Snitz was a vivacious goldfish with volumes of get up and go and a heart as big as all get out. Her high-spirited antics and fuzzy little carbonated smile would keep us all aglow through many a hard time.
That is why when our cat, Fritz, knocked over Snitz’s water and played with Snitz until she was just a limp little reminder of better days, we rushed right out and bought another goldfish.
And even though we have another vivacious goldfish with volumes of get up and go and a heart as big as all get out, we did learn a good lesson.
You really can’t tell one goldfish from another.
Snitz was one (or possibly 450,000) in a million!
A Skunk by Any Other Name
I named my pet skunk Trouble because I could smell him a mile away.
At first I thought it would be cool to name him Maltese in memory of my pet falcon. But then I thought there really wasn’t much similarity between my pet falcon and my pet skunk except they both came running when I called “here kitty, kitty.”
I’ll never forget the day I found Trouble in the park. There was something in his air and manner of walking . . . I knew he had to be mine. I quickly snatched him up and ran down the path and into the street where I was hit by a bus.
Not the exact bus that hit me but one god awful like it.
Trouble flew out of my arms and landed 5,280 feet away and that’s when I noticed that even though all my arms and legs were broken, I could still smell Trouble. So I guess my choice of names was right on!
Oh Danny Boy
I know it has been said that a hamster by any other name would be a rodent and there was a time when I would have agreed with that. That is until Danny saved my life. I was hiking in the Rockies at the time. Of course, I took Danny along because he was a hunting hamster with papers.
I had just sat down to catch my breath when I saw a coiled rattler only inches from Danny and me.
Then, in the blink of an eye, it was just the rattler and me. It seems a hawk had swooped down and got poor Danny. As I watched him dangle from the hawk’s powerful talons, I stood up to give Danny a farewell salute.
Just then the rattler bit me. And that’s when Danny . . . wait a minute . . . well, never mind about the part where I said Danny saved my life.
Guess what Dear Readers? I was running in the house yesterday and somebody left a calendar on the floor and I tripped over Tuesday and landed flat on my Wednesday. Luckily, I was able to hobble to my keyboard and cobble together a 100-word story for this week’s Friday Fictioneers.
The day Babette Bladderini was killed in a landslide was a strange blessing. Babette was born between bullets exchanged by the Bladderini clan and their mortal enemies, the Parcheesi’s.
While being born, a bullet grazed Babette’s head, leaving a permanent part in her hair a little too far to the left, and Babette’s fate was sealed. She lived her entire existence never knowing a good hair day.
Then, a landslide. The Parcheesi house slid over the top of Babette’s head, killing her instantly while simultaneously parting her hair right down the middle.
Oh that fate. Always a day late and a dollar short.
* * *
Until next time . . . I love you
If you would like to try your hand at Friday Fictioneers, pop over to our Friday Fictioneers’ hostess’s blog at Rochelle Wisoff-Fields-Addicted to Purple and Rochelle to get all the details. And don’t worry, she won’t give you an apron and a big stack of dishes to wash. (I think she finally got her dishwasher fixed).
“Ow! Daddy this fish’s handshake is crushing my bones.” “Ha ha! That’s not a fish, honey, it’s a marine mammal!”
Research Shows that Dolphins Are Ten Times Stronger than Human Athletes
Researchers at the Liquid Life Laboratory at West Chester University headed by a researcher actually named, Frank Fish, set out to determine whether a dolphin is ten times stronger than a human athlete.
Some of Frank Fish’s colleagues –Paul Porpoise and Mary Marine-Mammal — wanted the research to determine whether dolphins were five times as strong as as human athletes but apparently Frank Fish has to have his own way or he’ll end up pouting even more than usual.
Using nothing but a scuba tank and an ordinary garden soaker, the researchers watched the vortices in the water created by the dolphins to determine how fast the dolphins were swimming.
The researchers were able to determine that the dolphins were swimming way, way faster than a human athlete, that’s for sure, but are holding off on announcing their findings until they double check what the word “vortices” means again.
“What did the hyena cross the road?” “To get to the better jokes!” “Ahhahaha! Now that’s funny!”
Hyenas could possibly be as bright as some primates — but either way have a much better sense of humor
Researchers have discovered that Hyenas are adept at solving problems and can even count (which would explain their excellent comedic timing). Scientists now believe that the hyenas may even have intelligence levels that match some primates.
After studying the expressions on hyenas’ faces ad nauseam, researchers have concluded that hyenas can assess the size of a competing pack by listening to the rival packs’ laughter — to determine if the rival pack out number them as well as whether or not the jokes the rival pack of hyenas were laughing at were actually funny.
Scientists also observed that hyenas solved problems through trial and error. When the hyenas were confronted with a box of food, the hyenas tried to get it out trying different methods until they were successful — causing scientists to be even more impressed with the intelligence of the hyenas — because apparently none of the scientists has ever owned a dog or a cat.
The scientists were quick to point out, however, that scientists are still smarter than hyenas.
“Yes I know the correct answer, dear, but first let me clarify things by going back to the creation of the universe then working my way up the time line of events year by year until we get to present the day.”
Do You Suffer From Hindsight Bias?
Those who “knew the answer all along” may not be quite as clever as they are making themselves out to be,” say researchers at Northwestern University in Chicago.
After studying this “thinking you know something when you don’t” phenomenon, they have come to the conclusion that people too often feel they knew something all along, but actually didn’t — they just thought they did. Researchers call this phenomenon: Hindsight Bias.
However, a group of highly-respected women who have been studying the phenomenon for the past 37 years have come up with what they feel is a more appropriate term for hindsight bias: Husbands.
“Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.
Every week, Gregory goes to Sunday school. Every week his imagination runs wild during the lessons, and every week he comes home with his own version of the story.
Let’s listen in and see what the lesson was about this week, shall we?
Noah Rethinks His Carpentry Skills
When last we left Noah, God was explaining to Noah about how wicked everyone on earth was and how evil their thoughts were and that He was sorry He had ever made them.
Noah: Don’t be discouraged about how mankind turned out, Lord. You’ve got to remember it was your first try at making large amounts of people.
God: I’m full of regret, Noah. Everyone on earth is thinking evil thoughts all the time.
Noah: Well maybe if you didn’t listen in on their thoughts so much. Maybe you just need a vacation from everybody’s thoughts.
God: See that’s what I like about you Noah, you’re upbeat! You don’t have any faults! You’re the only good man of your time.
Noah: Ah shucks, God, you’re embarrassing me.
God: No, I mean that. Out of all of mankind, I only like you. You’re my best friend! Mankind is like a way, way distant second compared to you, Noah. You’re the only good man I ever created. In fact, come here, I want to give you a big hug.
Noah: Awkward.
God: Come on! I won’t bite! I may wipe you out in a flood, but I won’t bite!
Noah: God you made a joke!
God: I did? Well you bring out the best in me, Noah. Say, you wouldn’t happen to have anymore of that pomegranate wine cooler on hand would you?
Noah: Sure do you want one?
God: Does a bear sit in the woods?
Noah: Ah ha ha! You made another joke, Lord!
God: I don’t get it. What’s the joke?
Noah: Well, you know, because a bear doesn’t sit in the woods it— uh . . . hey, you want that wine cooler in a glass, God, or do you want to drink it right out of the pottery vessel?
God: Just give me the vessel. Anyway, like I was saying, Noah. I have decided to put an end to all of mankind. I will destroy them completely because the world is full of their violent deeds. Mm . . .great wine cooler Do you have any Pringles?
Noah: Yes but they’re a little stale. The expiration date was 500 years ago. I borrowed them from Grandpa Methusula.
God: Is he still alive? Awesome!
Noah: He’s 969, but could pass for a 700, I kid you not!
God: Super! Anyway, getting back to the flood I’m sending to wipe out every living thing on earth except for you and your family; I took the liberty of drawing up some plans so you can build a boat.
Noah: But Lord! I can’t even figure out how to put together a bookshelf.
God: Oy pshaw Noah! All you have to do is make a boat with some rooms in it, cover it with tar inside and out, make it 450 feet long, 75 feet wide and 45 feet high, make a roof with a space of 18 inches between the roof and the sides. Then simply construct three decks and slap a door on the side. It’s just you’re basic biblical boat. No big whoop. Don’t over-think it.
“My boat building skills are kind of iffy, Lord. On a scale of one to ten, how do you feel about rafts?
Noah: But Lord, when it comes to carpentry I’m all thumbs.
God: You’re kidding me. Where were you when I was passing out fingers?
Noah: I was . . . no Lord. It’s just an expression.
God: Listen, Noah, why don’t you get your three sons to help you out with building the boat. What are their names again? Moe, Curly and Shemp?
Noah: But Lord the oldest one is only a hundred. He can’t even walk yet.
God: Oh well I’m a little worried then. Maybe I’ll have to wipe you–
Noah: No no no no no no no! Lord! I was just kidding! I can build a boat. Absolutely! Positively! Not a problem at all. I’ll get ‘er done!
God: I’m so relieved to hear you say that Noah. Because building that boat?
Noah: Yeah.
God: Well that’s the easy part. Wait til you hear what I’ve got in mind for step two . . .
And there you have it, Dear Readers. This week’s edition of what Gregory surmised in Sunday School this morning. Please check back next week to learn about Step two of God’s plan for Noah.
Welcome Dear Readers! It’s time once again for Friday Fictioneers where writers from all over the wold gather to play a rousing game of football. Oh wait . . . never mind — I was thinking of the Friday Buccaneers.
Actually Friday Fictioneers (organized by Rochelle Wisoff Fields over at addicted to purple) get together once a week to write a 100-word story prompted by a picture — which this week is provided to us by Erin Leary over at erinlearywrites. Hop over and take a look a look around Erin’s blog. I think you’ll find she’s as good a writer as she is a photographer.
This is such a beautiful picture prompt this week, but, of course, my brain, Peanuts, had to completely ignore all the beautiful scenarios that could have been created and came up with the following instead:
Betty watched as earth’s shimmering orb slowly deflated into the milky horizon almost like a slowly deflating tire but not exactly, of course.
Then Betty noticed that the beauty of the scene was causing her eyes to fill up with tears in direct proportion to the speed of the air being released from the tire Betty was imagining — which caused Betty to do two things: 1) Marvel at the perfection of the universe and 2) remind her husband, Bob, to check the air pressure on the tires of her Volvo and maybe check the oil too and whatnot.
“Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.
Every week, Gregory goes to Sunday school. Every week his imagination runs wild during the lessons, and every week he comes home with his own version of the story.
Let’s listen in and see what the lesson was about this week, shall we?
The Day After Noah’s Birthday Party, Part 1
The day after Noah’s 600th birthday party, God came to talk to Noah while Noah was cleaning up.
God: What are you doing Noah? Where’d all this wax come from?
Noah: Well you know, I turned 600 yesterday. The older you get, the harder it is to blow out all your candles before they melt.
God: Tell me about it! That’s the exact reason I quit having birthday parties.
Noah: Really? Are you serious or are you kidding? I can never tell.
God: Noah, you know I have no sense of humor. Have you ever heard me laughing or heard of me laughing or even smiling?
Noah: So you really do put candles on your birthday cake and invite all your friends over to celebrate with you?
God: I would but you’re my only friend, Noah.
Noah: Oh come on. You’re pulling my leg. You must have lots of friends.
God: No. I hate everybody I created on this stupid planet.
Noah: God have you been sampling the pomegranate wine again?
God: In fact, I just came by to tell you that 1) I really like your new haircut and 2) I’m going to wipe out these people I have created and also the animals and the birds, because I am sorry that I made any of them. Except for you , Noah.
Noah: Aha! Always with the joking! You had me going there for a minute, God. Ha! What do you mean you have no sense of humor! You’re funny!
God: What do you mean funny? Funny how? You mean like I’m a clown? Like I’m here to amuse you? What do you mean funny? Funny how?
Noah: God, no . . . I mean . . . I was just . . . .
God: Never mind, listen. I was up all night working on a master plan to wipe out mankind. First, I’m going to make it so that people only live to 120 from now on.
Noah: Oh perfect! That will pretty much solve the birthday candle problem. Good thinking! And then you won’t have to wipe everybody out , is that what you mean?
“Everyone living to 120! Yay! I so like that idea, God, I can’t even tell you!”
God: Well no. Then I thought I’d also send a flood on the earth to destroy every living being. Except for you, Noah, because you’re my friend. What do you think of my plan?
Noah: Cupcake?
God: Sure! Now see, it’s this kind thoughtfulness that makes me not want to wipe you out along with every living thing on earth . . . mm. . . .lemon filling! You remembered! Can I have two?
Noah: Of course! Oh and here’s those hankies I promised you with your initials.
God: “L.G .Y.” ?
Noah: For “Lord God Yahweh” since you never really told me your last name.
God: Ah! That is just so super sweet! Thank you!
Noah: Not a problem.
God: So anyway, getting back to my plan to wipe out every living thing on earth, I was thinking that maybe you could–
Noah: Care for a Pomegranate wine cooler?
God: Oh don’t mind if I do!
Noah: Cocktail napkin?
God: Thank you.
Noah: How about another cupcake too?
God: Sure! Now let’s see where was I?
Noah: Uh, you were talking about how you were going to lower the life expectancy 120. Here, have some more pomegranate wine cooler. Say when . . .
God: You know, Noah, you’re really awfully nice. Is it getting hot in here to you Noah?
Noah: Listen, I’m going to run next door and get more pomegranate wine cooler. Hang tight. I’ll be right back.
God: Okay. Oh, and Noah?
Noah: Yes?
God: You gonna eat that last cupcake?
And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of what Gregory surmised in Sunday School this morning. Please check back next week for Part 2 of The Day After Noah’s Birthday Party.
“Did you find everything you were looking for, ma’am?
Actually, no. I couldn’t find the aluminum foil. Do you know where it is?
Did you check on the shelves?
I didn’t see it.
If it’s not on the shelves, then we’re probably out of it or we don’t carry it.
Could you ask somebody if you carry it and where it would be?
They’re at lunch, ma’am. Your total comes to $44.12. Debit or credit?
But I only bought a sweater and a package of gum and the sign said the sweater was 50% off.
Let me see, no, ma’am. No, this sweater’s only 50% off when you buy four. If you just buy one it’s $29.99.
But that total still seems high.
No cause by the time you add in the gum and the tax and whatnot . . . debit or credit?
Debit.
Slide your card and push the green button. The green button, ma’am? The green button. Push the green button, ma’am. The green button!
I am pushing the gre–
Cash back?
No.
Push the green button again, ma’am. The green button! No, the green button, ma’am!
I am but nothing’s happening.
Slide your card again and push the green button. The green button, ma’am. The green button. Are you a rewards card member?
No.
Would you like to become a rewards card member? All you have to do is fill out this application with all of your personal information, and it entitles you to take an extra 1% off purchases over $15,000?
No thank you.
Would you like to make a donation to March of Dimes, then?
No thank you.
St Jude’s?
No thank you.
American Cancer Society?
No thank you.
Muscular Dystrophy?
No thank you.
It’s only a dollar, ma’am.
No thank you.
How would you like your receipt, ma’am? Printed out or e-mailed.
Printed out.
Do you want a bag, ma’am?
Yes.
Do you want your receipt in the bag?
Yes.
And what’s your e-mail address?
Why?
So we can e-mail your receipt to you.
But I want my receipt in the bag.
No, for next time, ma’am.
I don’t want to give you may e-mail address. NO!
Okay, ma’am, calm down. What’s your zip code then?
What no! You don’t need my zip code! Why do you need my zip code?
Okay Ma’am. I’m just asking you a simple question. It’s part of my job. I need your zip code for our data base. If you don’t want to give me your zip code, that’s fine.
Good.
What’s your phone number then?
What? You don’t need my phone number! That’s ridiculous. I’m just buying a sweater and a pack of gum for heavens sakes! Let me talk to a supervisor.
They’re at lunch, ma’am. If you don’t want to give me your phone number, that’s okay. Just one more thing.
What?
What are the last four digits of your social security number? . . . . Ma’am? . . . Ma’am? Okay fine don’t answer me then. Thank you for shopping at K-Wal-Tar-Mart anyways, ma’am.
Welcome Dear Readers! You might be wondering why I’ve been absent from Friday Fictioneers of late. The truth is I was lost at the drycleaners. They never did find me. I’ve been replaced with a clone. I’m just like my original self except I smell more like chemicals than I used to.
And now onto some Friday Fictioneer 100-word fiction fun! Hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields-Addicted to Purple. Today’s really cool picture was provided to us by Dawn Q. Landau over at Tales of the Motherland.
Copyright-Dawn Q. Landau
A Day at Mermen Realty
A million for this? You gotta be kidding!
It was Poseidon’s Hollywood-crowd hideaway. There’s Hollywood history everywhere! See this? That’s not just any stain. That’s where Ethel Merman threw up seaweed pate! And lookee! Here’s where Darrel Hannah carved her initials.
In the toilet seat?
That’s another good feature –indoor plumbing!
But there’s only a seat.
You’re half-way there, then, aren’t you?
But there’s no roof?
Roof schmoof! It’s beachfront.
And the beach is . . . .
It appears when the tide’s out.
A million huh?
Listen, you could get $998,999 for the Ethel Merman stain alone.
Welcome Dear Readers. I have a confession to make. Everyday I’ve got about one productive hour in me, everything else is mulling.
And because I’m so lazy, I’ve only got one item on my bucket list: death (the letter ‘d’ actually but I’ll remember).
Unfortunately, I’m at an age where if I died and somebody read about it in the newspaper instead remarking, “oh how sad,” they’d just say, “well she was getting up there.”
So I wasn’t surprised when this offer came in my mailbox from the Dammit Brothers Funeral Chapel for “My Final Wishes Organizer”. . . Absolutely free!
And all I have to do is answer the Dammit Brothers Funeral Chapel’s short, tiny, little two-page survey and then what? I get my Final Wishes Organizer, that’s what!
So here’s my answers to the Dammit Brothers Funeral Chapel Survey, which I’ve taken the liberty of tweaking just a little bit to make it more enjoyable in an attempt to make it up to myself for having such a sucky bucket list.
Dammit Brothers Funeral Chapel Survey
How much do you expect to pay for your funeral? 0-$2000, $2,000-$4,000, $4,000-$6,000, $6,000 – $8,000, $8,000-$10,000? Or over $10,000.
I’m not paying anything. Why else would I be dying?
Is there an honorably discharged veteran in your household? If not please explain.
Does unhonorably count? Because sometimes I hear someone ripping cardboard and smell the odor of Mark-a-Lot drifting through the air in the middle of the night and every once in a while I come upon a shopping cart in the living room, but, you know what? I’m still going to say no.
If so, was it within the last 12 months? The last 12-24 months? Or over 2 years ago?
I said no Dammit! Brothers!
Does your family have life insurance that is allocated for funeral arrangements in the event of your death?
They haven’t said anything about it. I think it’s a surprise.
If you have given thought to this subject which burial would you choose for yourself — burial or cremation?
I don’t know, I keep waffling. Is waffling an option?
Would you be willing to pay $500 extra to have the Brooklyn Bridge renamed after you once you’re, you know . . . ?
You mean once I’m dead?
Yeah that.
I guess.
Are you sure there’s not a discharged Veteran in your household? Did you look under the bed?
Dammit Dammit Brothers! NO!
Are your loved ones and family members aware of what you desire for your own arrangements?
Of course. They know I love Burger King and felt what else do they need to know?
How important to you, personally, is the location of the funeral home?
It’s important to me personally that it be located right next to a Burger King or a store that sells felt.
Are you absolutely certain you don’t have a veteran in your household?
You know what? I’m getting pretty tired of your stupid survey, Dammit Brothers.
Okay, but we hope you know that by getting tired of our stupid survey you’re forfeiting your “My Final Wishes Organizer” . . . Absolutely Free!
But will I still get the Brooklyn Bridge named after me?
Only if you send The Dammit Brothers Funeral Chapel a cashiers check for $500 made out to the Dammit Brothers.
Okay.
Do you promise? Cross your heart? Hope to die? Stick a needle in your eye?
That depends. How much are the needles?
$7.50 a piece.
How about two for a dollar.
Mmmm . . . Okay sure.
Will you throw in a “My Final Wishes Organizer” too?
We’ll have to go talk to our supervisor. Wait here . . .
Well, Dear Readers, it looks like negotiations are going to be going on for a while so you might as well sneak out for lunch. Hey if you happen to be going by a Burger King . . . well no never mind, I’ve got a bag of peanuts in my felt purse. Wish me luck!
Let’s listen in on the Science Channel and see what Michio (Mickey) Kaku, a theoretical physicist with the best hair in all of science show business, tells us about time.
Mickey
“Time is out there, but we can’t taste it, feel it, touch it, taste it, smell it or touch it, feel it or even taste it.” (Not a direct quote.)
Now I’m not a theoretical physicist or even a physicist theoretically, but I can think of some other things to add to Mickey’s list of things time can’t do:
Time can’t bake you a cake for your birthday
Time can’t dance
Time can’t spell “chameleon” well enough to get the correct version to show up on the right-click spellcheck words
Time can’t operate a blow torch
Time can’t recite any of the Gettysburg address
Time can’t macramé
Okay let’s listen in now and see what else Mickey is telling us about time:
Micky is walking along at midnight on Newport beach with his flashlight. He tells us,
“The grunions are arriving on the beach to mate within a precise two hour window, all arriving right on cue without a compass, without a GPS system, without a wristwatch, without a calculator, without a GPS system, without a wristwatch, without a GPS system, without a calculator. (Semi-direct quote)
Here’s some other things Mickey forgot to add to his list about what the grunions can arrive on cue without:
without a google earth printout of Newport Beach
without an aviation transponder interrogation mode
without a miniature inertial measurement unit
without a wake up call from Holiday Inn
without ever having tasted a Rice Crispie Treat
Then Mickey tells us:
“For me I find it absolutely astounding that the biological clocks ticking away in my body are about the same as those biological clocks that are ticking away in the grunions, in the birds, in the cows, in the flies, in the bacteria, in the flies, in the cows, in the grunions and even in the flies.” (I have no idea if this is a direct quote — I’m not even listening anymore.)
Here’s some other animals Mickey forgot to add to his list about how the biological clocks ticking away in his body are about the same as those in
in the rhinoceroses
in the tapeworms
in the cold viruses
in the mermaids
in the kangaroos
in the two little animals that Donald Duck is always getting mad at
in the lab rats
in the parrots
in the grasshoppers
in the groundhogs
Well, if you want to leave now, Dear Readers, I wouldn’t blame you at all. Until next time . . . I love you.
Linda Vernon Humor 