Welcome Dear Readers! Here is a 1984 crocheting booklet that I was lucky enough to score at the thrift shop yesterday! YES! (Okay, nobody else wanted them, but still!)
Let’s Look Inside Annie’s Pattern Club Newsletter!
Annie’s Pattern Club was (or possibly still is) a newsletter where mega-talented crocheters crocheted something original and then sent the pattern to Annie, and she would publish the cream-of-the-crop designs her newsletter.
And as you will see, never have so many people come up with so many crocheted solutions for so many things that were never a problem in the first place. Let’s look at a few, shall we?
Crocheted Football Mitts
Lil Guy Tie
What to wear to a formal occasion in the 80’s
And there you have it Dear Readers! Now get out there and crochet your hearts out!
Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories!
Today in Sunday school Gregory learned about how God’s two angels visited Abraham’s nephew, Lot, in beautiful downtown Sodom. It’s based as loosely on Genesis: 19: 1-10 — if you’d like to follow along.
Sodom and the Elephant in the Room
One day, the Lord decided to do some evil-people spring cleaning so he sent two of his right-hand angels to Sodom to destroy every man, woman and child who lived there.
When the angels got to the gates of Sodom, Abraham’s favorite nephew, Lot, was waiting for them. As they approached, Lot jumped up and ran over to greet them by bowing down before them.
Lot: Welcome Angels!! Hope you didn’t have any trouble finding the place. My wife’s got a big bowl of water ready so we can wash your feet. We know how much you angels love a good foot washing. And then my wife will prepare you a fabulous dinner.
Angel #1: What’s she making?
Angel #2: Out of what kind of meat?
Lot: Good question. You know I never thought to ask.
Angel #1: Oh. well in that case, thanks for the offer but we’ll just spend the night out in the open, here in the Sodom city square. I’m sure we’ll be fine.
Lot: Listen Angels, I wouldn’t advise that.
Angel #2: Why?
Lot: I’ll spare you the gory details, but everyone who lives in Sodom is horribly depraved.
Angel#1: Really, you mean they don’t always return their library books on time?
Lot: It’s worse than that I’m afraid.
Angel #2: You mean they sneak and eat the last piece of Angel food cake without asking first if the Lord wants it?
Lot: Worse than that even.
Angel #1: Gasp!
Angel #2: Gasp! Choke! Gasp!
The angels fumbled around in their between-wing backpacks until they found their asthma inhalers. Then they all sat down and rested awhile and got to know each other better. They were in the middle of exchanging their funniest foot-washing stories when it started to get dark.
Lot: Aha ha ha! . . . and you thought the bowl of dirty foot water was the soup? . . . ahaha . . . oh you guys are killing me. Ha ha ha! Ahhhhh! But hey it’s getting dark, angels, we better hasten to my house and bolt the door shut, move the dresser in front of it, roll a huge boulder in front of that and then get the elephant to shore it all up with his trunk.
Angel #1: Sounds like somebody got a new home security system!
Lot: Yeah and if anybody breaks in and rapes us, we get one month free!
Angel #1: Wow! That a great deal.
So Lot and the two angels high tailed it over to his house. Lot’s wife and daughters had just finished preparing the tacos and were sitting in the corner busily perfecting their foot washing techniques on the elephant’s feet and marveling, once again, at how handy it was to have an elephant around the house.
Sometime after dinner:
Angel #1: Those were great tacos, Mrs. Lot.
Mrs. Lot:Thank you, but I thought I used a little too much–
Angel #1: Salt?
Mrs. Lot: You thought so too.
Angel #2: What kind of meat was that, anyway?
Mrs. Lot: It was—
Before Mrs. Lot could answer, an angry mob began pounding on Lots door.
Lot: Who is it?
Angry Mob: It’s us. Sodom’s angry mob of men, young and old.
Lot: What do you want?
Angry Mob: We want you to send out the two angels so we can–
Lot: Have them go with you to return your library books?
Angry Mob. Yeah that’s it.
Lot: Well I have two daughters who could help you with that. They’re virgins and spend most of their time at the library, so they know the fastest way there.
Lot’s daughter: Dad! Stop it! You’re embarrassing us! We don’t want to help them return their library books!
Lot: One more word out of you, young lady, and I wont’ let you clean up after the elephant anymore.
Lot’s Daughter: Sorry dad.
Angry Mob: We’re going to keep pounding on this door until you open it.
Lot: What shall we do?
Angel #1 to Angel #2: We could strike them all blind.
Angel #2 to Angel #1: That’s a thought.
Lot: Or you could strike all of us deaf, and then we couldn’t hear the pounding.
Mrs. Lot: But then we couldn’t hear the elephant, if he needed us.
Lot: Good point.
Angel #1: We could strike them so they can’t taste or smell anything.
Lot’s Wife: How about striking us so we can’t smell anything.
Angel #1: Why?
Lot’s Wife: If you have to ask, you’ve never lived with an elephant.
Angel #1: Let’s just go with my original idea to strike all of them blind.
Lot: Okay fine. But they’re pounding on the door already. Won’t they still know where the door is?
Angel #2: Lot.
Angel #2: I think I hear your elephant calling.
And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School today. Be sure to check back next week when the angels destroy Sodom and Lot’s wife becomes a pillar in the community.
Welcome Dear Readers! While I was climbing to the top of Wednesday, I accidentally slipped and fell into Thursday. I coudn’t reach my computer as it was still in Wednesday! My computer finally caught up with me this morning! Just in time for Friday Fictioneers on Thursday. Yay! A round of calendars for everyone — on me!
Welcome Dear Readers! Well we almost did it. We almost got through Christmas without a visit from the Kind of Crazy Crabby Christmas Lady. Unfortunately when I opened up the blog today she was camped outside waiting for us with her cats, 17 fruit cakes and a stick of dynamite. I think we better humor her, don’t you? Oh here she comes now . . . act natural . . .
“Merry Christmas Crabby Christmas Lady! What a surprise! Fancy meeting you here!”
Listen Toots. I’m not a big fan of Christmas. Okay? Got that? First of all, Christmas comes every single year. That’s way too often, Toots. Waaay too often! Christmas should come every five years. That way everybody wouldn’t be so sick of it. And Jesus would be much younger too. It’s called a win/win, Toots! Okay? Got that?
“Well Christmas Lady, that’s an interesting idea but—“
Toots I’m not done talking yet. If Christmas only came once every five years, the Christmas songs wouldn’t be so annoying and repetitive!
“Well, I suppose if—“
Toots! Stop talking and get some saucers of milk for my cats. Okay? Got that?
“Uh I don’t think I have that many saucers, Christmas Lady . . .”
Toots I’m not done talking yet! The Christmas songs are annoying because of all the bells jing-jing-jingling! And all the hark hark harking as in hark how the bells, sweet silver bells, all seem to say, throw cares away — what does that mean exactly, Toots? The bells are ringing and ringing and ringing so loud you can’t even hear yourself think, Toots! You just can’t! And they are telling you to “throw cares away and buy whatever you want . . whatever you want, Toots! Aluminun foil. The bells don’t care that you already have 14,000 boxes of Aluminum foil in your storage unit. It doesn’t matter if you can’t afford it because the bells told me to do it, Toots! Toots are you listening? What are you opening the door and handing me my coat, Toots?
“Listen I hate to cut our visit short but—“
Which brings us to the Christmas sugar, Toots! A hahahaha! I’m dreaming of a white C & H pure cane sugar from Hawaii Christmas, Toots! What with all the sugar cookies and the sugar candy and the sugar plums and the sugar houses and the sugar nativity scenes. Have you ever tried to eat a tree ornament, Toots? They are edible you know. They are made of sugar plastic . . . mmm. . . sugar plastic!
And do you know what sugar plastic does Toots? Well do you?
“Uh I’m not really listening anymore, Christmas Lady, I— “
Listen and listen good, Toots! Sugar plastic causes your little fat cells to sit up straight and pay attention all innocent-like at their little fat cell card tables covered with the tiny candy cane plastic table cloths wearing their teensy Santa bibs and Santa hats each holding miniscule red and green plastic forks which they will devour when they are done because they are made out of sugar plastic too. Okay? Got that?
“Yes Christmas Lady. By the way, I’m going to be out of town next year at Christmas so there’s no need to be dropping by again.”
Fine. Good I’m leaving now, Toots. Okay? Got that? Here kitty kitty kitty . .
“Bye Kind of Crazy Crabby Christmas Lady. Merry Christmas!”
Phew! I didn’t think we were every going to get rid of her did you, Dear Readers? Oh look she left us a present under the tree. Let’s open it early shall we? Why it’s a stick of dynamite. Well bless her Kind of Crazy Crabby Christmas heart!
Merry Christmas Dear Readers and welcome to the very first day of the five days of Blog Festivus 2013. For Blog Festivus 2013, I’ll be posting a 200-word Christmas story every day this week based on Charles Dickens Christmas Carol. For more details, pop over to Blogdramedy and read all about it!
A Very ‘OMG!! Shut the Hell Up, Girlfriend!‘ Christmas!
OMG!! Shut the hell up, girlfriend! Did I hear you correctly? You’re telling me my boyfriend, Ebenezer Scrooge, is getting me a Christmas gift this year? The original Mr. Cheapskate? What’s that? You have it on good authority! Why that adorable, darling, wonderful Neezy! Who knew he was such a sweetheart? OMG!! I just thought of something, girlfriend! OMG!! It’s an engagement ring, isn’t it, girlfriend? OMG!! What’s that? You can’t tell me? Shut the hell up, girlfriend, of course you can! OMG!! I promise I won’t spill the beans. Ebenezer’s not home now anyways. He’s over at some relative’s house duct taping somebody’s crutch back together. Who’s crutch? Oh, I don’t know, someone named Tiny Tim, I think. Ebenezer broke it trying to fish a penny out of a storm drain! They wanted him to pay for it? Can you imagine my Neezy paying for anything? What’s that? No. I don’t know why they call him Tiny Tim. Maybe he’s a midget or something. Who cares? I’m getting engaged! OMG!! What’s that? Yes, I know you didn’t say it was an engagement ring. But shut the hell up, girlfriend! It’s an engagement ring!! OMG!!
In The Scorpio Races, author Maggie Stiefvater writes, “It is the first day of November and so, today, someone will die.” Give us the next thirty-three words of this story, as you imagine it. Take it wherever you like, but make it original and make it 33 words exactly.
How Swiss Cheese Got Its Holes
“It is the first day of November and so, today, someone will die.”
Are you psychic?
Yes. On 11/2/13 a torpedo will blow up the world’s largest block of cheese.
Another psychic message?
No it’s on my calendar: Buy cheese-destroying torpedo, locate world’s largest block of cheese.