Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how the father/son team of Saul and Jonathan fought the Philistines or possibly the Israelites . . .
Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.
One day Saul and his son, Jonathan, had just taken a lunch break from a hard morning of busily defeating the Philistines, when Jonathan posed a question to his father.
“Father with whom are we fighting? Jonathan asked chewing thoughtfully on a fig while hitting an enemy soldier over the head with a rock.
“The Israelites I believe, my son.” Jonathan’s father said sipping on his delicious fig wine.
“Why are we fighting them?” asked Jonathan.
“The lord has commanded us to do so.”
“But Dad. . . aren’t we the Israelites?”
“No, my son. We are the Hebrews!”
“But isn’t that the same thing?”
“Oh maybe.” Saul said shruggingly. “All men look alike to me. You gonna eat the rest of that pomegranate?”
“No you go ahead. Say listen Dad, I’m running a little low on men.”
“You mean to fight the Jews with?” Saul asked as he lazily impaled five warriors who happened to be walking by.
“No Dad, we’re the Jews. I think the Israelites and the Hebrews and the Jews are just different names for us. In fact, I think you just impaled five of our own guys.”
“Whoopsie! That calls for more wine!” Saul laughed heartily.
No seriously, Dad. You know those thousand men you gave me yesterday to fight our enemies?”
“You mean our enemies, the Hebrews?”
“Dad we’re the Hebrews, remember?”
“You don’t say?”
“Anyway, I went through all thousand of them. Now I’m fresh out of men to fight the Philistines.”
“Come on Dad! I think you’ve had enough wine.”
“Listen son, I think I know my own wine limit. I’ve been drinking wine since you were just a gleam in the Lord’s eye.”
“I don’t know what that even means, Dad.”
“What it means is . . . wait a minute! Lookee over there where I’m pointing!
“You mean to that fig tree?”
“I’m not pointing to that fig tree. I’m pointing to what’s beside that fig tree!”
“Oh. Well what is it do you think?”
Well, it looks like precisely 30,000 war chariots, six-thousand horseman and as many soldiers as there are grains on the sea shore.”
“Wow that’s mind boggling!”
“Now take it easy,son. I’m pretty sure we can take them.”
“No I mean I it’s mind boggling how fast you can count when you’re drunk!”
“Well I must say. I have always prided myself on my ability to count fast when I’ve tied one on. It’s a gift, really. What can I say? Now come on Son, lunch is over. Time to get back to stabbing, slinging and lobbing off the heads of our enemies, the Israelites.
“You mean Philistines.”
“Whatever. I love you, Son.”
“I love you too Dad!”
And there you have it, Dear Readers. What Gregory learned in Sunday School. Please check back next week at this same time for another Bible Story as interpreted by Gregory.
12 thoughts on “Gregory’s Bible Stories: Israelites Schmizraelites”
Caedite eos. Novit enim Dominus qui sunt eius. Or so they say.
Yes, life’s too short to sweat the details (and that goes double for biblical times)
Ah the lovely Linda! As legends go your version of said Bible through Gregory’s eyes is so much better!
Ah Mike your music is words to my ears! Glad to see you back. I’ll pop over later and see what that brain of yours cooked up while on a break!
What brain? Born without one and been seeking a donor brain ever since!
Haha! I’ll keep my eye open for one . . .
I was thinking Linda is such a smart woman I am sure there is a metaphor in all this as to why we fight wars. Its an age old question isn’t, just who is the enemy?
I guess the real enemies are the guys sitting behind the scenes probably making money off both sides . . .
Sometimes I used to wonder when there were so many fighting… how they knew it was the right person they were fighting… ‘mass confusion’…. Diane
Me too Diane!
I just love how father and son bond pre JC! Nothing like a jug of fig wine and couple of stabbings to bring father and son together!
Well they had to do something to bond. After all, bowling hadn’t been invented yet.