Spill the Beans Friday: 26 Confessions

Spill the Beans

Welcome, Dear Readers, to Spill the Beans Friday where I confess personal things about myself that you may have suspected but you were much too polite to mention.

 

#1)  I can’t type, I can’t proofread and if my life depended on spelling, I’d be dead by noone nune 2 p.m.

#2)  I  sugar coat my sweets addiction.

#3)  I don’t just hate algebra, I want it whacked.

#4)  My frontal lobes are abnormally small.

#5)  Practically everyday I think  it’s the day before the day it actually is. 

#6)  Both input and imput sound right to me. 

#7)  I am horrible at video games.  It once took me 40 minutes to successfully complete one lap in  Mario Kart and why do they need so much grass anyway?

#8)  I always hang back when it comes to being the bowling scorekeeper or the flag folder as I have no idea how to do either.

#9)  I’ve never tried green enchilada sauce and I’m never going to unless it’s fed to me through a tube while I’m in a coma.

#10) I’ve never been in a coma.

#11)  I always suspect I’m not going to have anything in common  with people who give their age by saying “years young.”

#12) I’m super excited about the first two pictures I see in an Art Museum then I’m over it.

#13)  I only spelled museum right in #12 because of  spelcheck  spellcehck, right click.

#14) If someone tells me a really long story they’ve told me before, I can never think of a polite way to say, “Yeah you already told me that” so I just listen to the whole story again.

#15) I think my horse knows more than he’s letting on.

#16)  I’m a total idiot about Bulgaria.

#17)  I love I Love Lucy.

#18) I’m a food kick person — if I make chili or soup, I eat it for every meal everyday until it’s gone.

#19) I’ve tried twice but I just can’t get into “Breaking Bad.”

#20) I’ve been kissed by Bill Murray.

#21) One time someone cut in front of me in line at the grocery store so I picked up a magazine and pretended to be reading it and pushed my cart into the back of them.

#22) I once got a flat tire while taking my daughter to school and had to walk 6 blocks  home in my stocking feet.

#23) I think Portlandia is equal parts hilarious and unhilarious.

#24)  The only newspaper I read everyday is the wonderfully skanky Daily Mail Online.  

#25) I had to watched The Talented Mr. Ripley four times before I understood what was going on.

#26) I once stood right behind a guy in line with tattoos all over his body while waiting to rent The Illustrated Man.

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  Drop by next week for another installment of  Spill the Beans Friday!  And if you have anything you’d like to spill the beans about, I’m all comment boxes!

Until next time . . . I love you

Flipping Through a 1967 TV Guide

Welcome Dear Readers!  News Flash!  There’s something very strange happening in California.  Now don’t panic, but when I got up this morning instead of the sky being its usual blue, it seems to have turned a murky, purgatory gray overnight!  What could it mean?

I don’t know if it’s the end of the world, Dear Readers, but just to be on the safe side we’d better eat our dessert first today.

In the meantime, let’s flip through this old TV guide from 1967, shall we?

1967 TV Guide
Isn’t it wonderful?

Remember Jack Cassidy?  He was a pretty well-known actor.  He guest starred on lots of TV shows in the 60’s and 70’s .  He is also the father of David Cassidy and was married to Shirley Jones aka Mrs. Partridge.  Jack Cassidy was tragically killed  in a fire.  Poor Jack Cassidy.

Paula Prentiss and Richard Benjamin were a married couple who starred in all kinds of things.

Here’s a clip I really love of  Paul Prentiss and Peter O’Toole from the movie, What’s New Pussy Cat:

Richard Benjamin went on Johnny Carson once and told about how his wife, Paula, didn’t wash the pots and pans very thoroughly, and that he always had to rewash them after she went to bed.  For some reason, Johnny Carson thought that was the most hilarious thing he had ever heard.

Richard Benjamin and Paula Prentiss
Richard Benjamin and Paula Prentiss are still alive and still together. Apparently having to rewash pots and pans is not only good for your marriage, it’s good for your health.

 Here’s a 1967 ad for 7-up:

a 1967 ad for 7-up
Back  when 7up was cool.

I remember 7up’s theme song during this time went like this:  “Wet and wild, 7up is wet and wild.  First against thirst, first to satisfy you — so wet and wild and cool! “

Well I thought it was pretty cool too.  I even went to the trouble of picking out that  song  on the piano when I was a sophomore in high school.  We had an  orange piano that was down in the basement that had come with the house (both the basement and the piano).

It seems like 7up has never been as cool since. Now it’s just something you drink when  you’re feeling sick to your stomach.

Hey Look!  Talk about the perfect name for a rock band!

Warts and corns of 1967

Unlike 7up, warts and corns were never cool, not even back in 1967 — though Two Corns and a Wart would have made a great name for a rock band.

As you can see from the ad, apparently warts and corns were much more cruel in the 60’s than they are today.    Of course, the remedies available to help with wart/corn cruelty never completely cured the problem because why should any company purposely put itself out of the lucrative corn/wart removal industry?

Remember him?

1967 TV Guide Richard Basehart Ad

Richard Basehart was an actor who starred in Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea and who sometimes wore his pants like Fred Mertz.  He and his crew bombed around underwater in their submarine having underwater adventures left and right.

I remember really liking that show, though now the only  thing I remember about it was the pinging of the submarine noise they played every ten seconds lest you forget they were underwater on a submarine!

A ping that sounded not unlike this one:

Caution:  Do not listen to this if you hate submarine pinging!   (But it’s not really all that bad, Dear Readers, I just wanted an excuse to use a different colored font.)

And finally, there’s this:

gmi855

What’s this?  Dr. Alfred Kidder has been inhabiting the North American continent for more than 15,000 years?  And I’ve never even run into him once! Could  Dr. Kidder might be pulling our legs?

Well, Dear Reader, this concludes our 1967 TV-guide-flipping session for today.  And it looks like the sky’s still a murky gray.  So I think it best if we get started eating  dessert, just to be on the safe side in case the world’s coming to an end.

Until next time (if there is one) . . . I love you

The People’s Republic of Helena – A Kickstarter Manifesto

Welcome Dear Readers! Today, I want to reblog this book publishing manifesto by Helena Hann-Basquiat who will soon be releasing a book of collected blog posts entitled Helena Hann-Basquiat’s Memiors of a Dilettante Volume One explaining just how she is taking steps to reach a wider audience for her writing. I think you’ll find it as interesting and entertaining as I did.

dilettante factory

I met Jim Squires (real name: Jim Squires) a few years ago at a comic book store on Queen Street in Toronto. I was searching for one of the last issues I was missing from Warren Ellis’ Authority — I was going through my “Hey, let’s try bookbinding” phase, and I was trying to get the complete series. I caught Jim looking down my top and gave him a sly smile, which caused him to turn an adorable shade of cherry red. In his defence, I was wearing a shirt with the provocative caption THESE BOOBS ARE MADE FOR WATCHING printed on it (no, seriously — I had it custom made), so I didn’t hold it against him. He only wishes I had. This was back before Mrs. Jim was in the picture of course, and I swear, nothing happened between us (you really don’t want to get on Mrs…

View original post 785 more words

Helen Magellen McNaulty McSqueeze

Helen  Magellen  McNaulty- McSqueezeart by linda vernon

Has a problem with being too long in the knees

Her back is too short and her elbows are fat

And when she stands up 

She leans over like that

Helen Magellen McNualty McSqueeze

Had to give up her love of the flying trapeze

For it’s hard to do tricks when you’re shaped like an S

Cuz your acrobats always end up in a mess

But the thing to look out for with Mrs. McSqueeze

Is not to be anywhere near should she sneeze!

She’d fall to the ground like the Tower of Pisa

Pushed by Atlas and Samson and Mother Teresa

Atlas, Samson and Mother Teresa

Until next time . . . I love you

* * *

P.S.  If your stuck somewhere with nothing to read check out my guest post for Retirement and Good Living here.

 

Gregory’s Bible Lesson: Life on the Ark

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about Noah’s Ark  and couldn’t help imagining what it must have been like living on the Ark while waiting out the flood.

 LInda Vernon humoous bible storiesLife on the Ark as Imagined by Gregory

Noah:  Honey!  Come on!  You’re not still packing are you?  We’ve got to get going! The floodgates of the sky are opening!

Noah’s Wife, Betty:   I can’t get my bath robe to fit into this stupid suitcase!

Noah:  Here let me do it.

Betty:   Oh no you don’t!  You’ll  wrinkle  everything!

Noah:  Honey! I just packed two of every kind of animal into one measly ark.  I think I can pack a suitcase.

Betty:   Do you think we’ll have room for the trampoline?  I’d like to stay in shape, God only knows  how long we’ll be stuck on the ark.

Noah:  Sure you can bring the tambourine.  You know how much I love to sing.

Betty:   Not the tambourine, Noah, the trampoline.

Noah:  We have a trampoline?

Betty:   Hey, you’re the one who insisted we get a Figco Membership. What’s the matter Noah?  You look upset. Are you mad about the trampoline?

Noah:  No, it’s God.  I just got all the animals packed in the Ark so they  fit  nicely and now  God has added  seven pairs of each kind of ritually clean animal and seven pairs of each kind of bird to the list.

Betty:  You mean he didn’t mention it before now?

Noah:  Nope.

Betty:  Well maybe you could just hose off some of the ones you already have.

Noah:  Either way, I’m afraid there won’t be room for any trampolines this trip.

After Noah had  finally figured out a way to pack everything into the ark (he had to resort to  strapping Betty’s rocking chair and the elephants to the roof),  Noah and Betty went into the boat as well as  their three sons Shem, Ham and Japheth, their wives and a male and female of each kind of living being.  

Then the  Lord shooed all the animals away from the  door and slammed  it shut.  (Part of a zebra’s tail was still sticking out but the Lord just ignored it since there was no way he was ever going to get that door shut again)  Then the Lord gave the ark an almighty heave-ho and off they went!

Day Ten on the Ark

Ham:  Dad can’t we open a window or something?  The smell in here is gross!

Noah:  What’s that?  I thought I saw your lips moving, son, but I can’t hear you over all the squawking,  and the mooing and the bleating.

Betty:   I can’t stand all this sitting!   What I wouldn’t give for that trampoline right now.

Noah:  What honey?  Did you say something about a  tambourine?

Shem:  I’m hungry! Hey I know! What’s say we  barbecue one of the animals!

Japheth:  Are we there yet?

Day 50 on the ark:

Everybody in unison Ninety- nine  potter vessels of  wine on the ark, 99 pottery vessels of wine, take one down and pass it around 98 pottery vessels of  wine on the ark . . .

Day 100 on the Ark

Shem:  Hey guess what everybody?   We have officially risen 25 feet above the tops of the mountains!

Ham:  How do you know that?

Shem:  I measured it with this 25-foot flood dipstick  Dad let me bring.

Betty:   Noah!  How come you let  Shem bring a 25-foot water dipstick, but you wouldn’t let me bring one  lousy little trampoline?

Noah:  What’s that Betty?   I can’t hear you over all the snorting and the squealing and the bow-wowing.

Japheth:  Are we there yet?

Day 130 on the Ark

Shem:  Hey Dad a raven and a dove just got out and the raven didn’t come back but the dove did, and it had  an olive branch in its beak!

Noah:  You know what, Shem,  at this point Daddy doesn’t  really give a rat’s behind.

Ham:  Ha ha!   Funny you should say that,  Dad, because there are several rats behind you right now!

Noah:  Hm . . . apparently some of us have been going forth and multiplying  early.

Day 150 on the Ark

Noah:  Ninety nine pottery vessels of—

Ham:   Hey Dad!  Last time I looked outside there wasn’t any water anywhere, just dry land as far as the eye could see.

Noah:  What?  When was this?

Ham:  About three months ago give or take.

Noah:  What?  Why didn’t you tell me?

Ham: I know how much you hate getting interrupted when you sing.

And a hearty laugh was had by all!

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  How Gregory imagines  life on the ark during the Great Flood.  Be sure and check back next week for another Gregory bible adventure!

Until next time . . . I love you

Noah and Betty

Unloading the Ark

Noah makes some arks

 

What the Scientists Are Thinking About

Welcome Dear Readers to today’s installment of “What the Scientists are Thinking About.” The stories here are actual scientific studies.  And while the  names and institutions  are real,  I have taken the liberty of punching up the reports to make them a little more interesting.

Say, "Holy Cow!  Did you feel that?"
Smile and say, “Holy Cow! Did you feel that?”

Was the Image of Christ on the Turin Shroud Caused by an Earthquake?

Italian scientists rummaging around in the Vatican Christianity Relic Vault decided to postulate that the Turin Shroud was created by an earthquake because it looked like they were going to have to stay late if they didn’t postulate something by the end of the day.

The Turin Shroud is a length of linen cloth thought to bear the image of Jesus after his crucifixion, and the Italian scientists have recently postulated that the Turin Shroud is real by coming up with this explanation:    a powerful earthquake  took place in 33 AD which triggered a release of neutron particles, effectively imprinting Jesus’s body on the cloth like an X-ray — and that a corresponding increase in the level of carbon 14 messed with the radiocarbon dating tests to register the shroud as being only 768 years old.

If scientists wouldn’t have been so tired postulating the above postulation, they might have gone on to postulate another scenario in which the Turin Shroud was an actual snapshot of Jesus taken by Leonardo Di Vinci after he invented a camera and a time machine and went back in time and photographed Jesus using a strip of linen because he  forgot to invent any photo paper  —  and then folded the shroud up and neatly tucked it under his arm  before  slipping into the Vatican under the guise that he was just there to wash the windows and stuck it in the Christianity Relic Vault when the Pope wasn’t looking.

“We believe it is possible that the neutron emissions by earthquakes could have induced the image formation on the Shroud’s linen fibers, through thermal neutron capture on nitrogen nuclei, and could also have caused a wrong radiocarbon dating,”  Professor Alberto Carpinteri was quoted as saying just before taking to his bed for a week due to a bad case of big scientific word exhaustion.

Cartoon Shrimp
 . . . huff . . .huff . . . . . huff . . . huf . . . are we there yet, buddy?

We Threw Some Shrimp on the Treadmill for you. That’ll be $682,570 please!

Biology Professors Louis and Karen Burnett at the College of Charleston recently spent $682,570 in government grant money to jury-rig a treadmill for  shrimp to workout on and then took the shrimps’ vital signs  –a scientific endeavor for which Uncle Sam picked up the check but didn’t even get to eat any of the shrimp.

According to the National Science Foundation, the money was granted for a project called, “Taking the pulse of Marine Life in Stressed Seas.”

The  researchers wanted to find out just how stressed out shrimp got by running on a treadmill.  The study revealed that running on a treadmill isn’t all that stressful for shrimp but the researchers themselves became stressed out from stressing how much more research grant money  is needed to complete the study.

Next, the scientific duo is planning to measure shrimp stress by figuring out how much sweat is formed on a shrimp’s forehead while it watches videos of people chowing down on Parrot Isle Jumbo Coconut Shrimp at Red Lobster.

Of course,  first they will need several million dollars of  government grant money to determine where, exactly, the forehead is located on a shrimp.

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  What the Scientists have been thinking about.

Until next time . . . I love you

Welcome to Plug Day!

Welcome, Dear Readers, to Plug Day here at the blog. Maybe you are asking yourselves, “But what is Plug Day?”   

Does it mean we will be going bathtub stopper shopping?

Does it mean  my husband, 37,  will finally be doing something about his hairline?

Or does the word “plug” in Plug Day mean we will be discussing my retired race horse, Sedentariat?

Me and Sedintariat. (I'm the one on the right)
Me and Sedentariat  (I’m the one on the right)

Helena Hann-Basquiat’s New E-Book

The actual reason I’m calling today, Plug Day, is because today I would like to give you all a heads up about a fellow writer/ blogger,  Helena Hann-Basquiat, who has a new e-book that will be coming out this spring.

Helena is Binge-Read Worthy

I started reading the stories on Helena’s blog about her adventures in California  the other night and,  after reading the first story,  I was hooked and went on to binge read  her entire California series.

And  I must say, I’m  looking forward to getting all Helena’s delightful stories in one convenient e-book!

Here’s Helena’s soon-to-be released e-book:

Helena Hann-Basquiat''s Memiors of a Dilettante Volume One

MEMOIRS OF A DILETTANTE VOLUME ONE – COVER REVEAL!

COMING SPRING 2014 — official date TBA

Memoirs of a Dilettante is a collection of reminiscences, following Helena Hann-Basquiat, a self-proclaimed dilettante who will try anything just to say that she has, and her twenty-something niece, who she has dubbed the Countess Penelope of Arcadia, in their off-beat antics in such places as common as the local McDonald’s or the comic book store, to their travels to Miami for the search for the perfect Cuban sandwich. Interspersed between wacky one-off adventures, Helena tells personal, sometimes painful stories from her past in order to try and make sense of her life as it has played out, tempering everything with an indomitable sense of humour.

Cummerbund Bandersnatch, the Accidental Plagiarist, strippers, rock stars, geeks, freaks, and the Barista With No Name — these are just a few of the characters you’ll meet inside.

Discover Helena’s tales for the first time or all over again, with new notes and annotations for the culturally impaired — or for those who just need to know what the hell was going through her mind at the time!

If you just can’t wait and you want a taste of Helena’s writing, follow her blog: http://helenahannbasquiat.wordpress.com/

If you just can’t get enough Helena, or you want updates on further goings on, release dates and miscellaneous mayhem, follow Helena on Twitter @hhbasquiat

Well that concludes Plug Day at the blog for today, Dear Readers. Join me next time on Plug Day where we will be discussing either bathtub stoppers or 37’s hairline — whichever turns out to be more interesting.

Until next time . . . I love you