Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.
Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about Noah’s Ark and couldn’t help imagining what it must have been like living on the Ark while waiting out the flood.
Life on the Ark as Imagined by Gregory
Noah: Honey! Come on! You’re not still packing are you? We’ve got to get going! The floodgates of the sky are opening!
Noah’s Wife, Betty: I can’t get my bath robe to fit into this stupid suitcase!
Noah: Here let me do it.
Betty: Oh no you don’t! You’ll wrinkle everything!
Noah: Honey! I just packed two of every kind of animal into one measly ark. I think I can pack a suitcase.
Betty: Do you think we’ll have room for the trampoline? I’d like to stay in shape, God only knows how long we’ll be stuck on the ark.
Noah: Sure you can bring the tambourine. You know how much I love to sing.
Betty: Not the tambourine, Noah, the trampoline.
Noah: We have a trampoline?
Betty: Hey, you’re the one who insisted we get a Figco Membership. What’s the matter Noah? You look upset. Are you mad about the trampoline?
Noah: No, it’s God. I just got all the animals packed in the Ark so they fit nicely and now God has added seven pairs of each kind of ritually clean animal and seven pairs of each kind of bird to the list.
Betty: You mean he didn’t mention it before now?
Betty: Well maybe you could just hose off some of the ones you already have.
Noah: Either way, I’m afraid there won’t be room for any trampolines this trip.
After Noah had finally figured out a way to pack everything into the ark (he had to resort to strapping Betty’s rocking chair and the elephants to the roof), Noah and Betty went into the boat as well as their three sons Shem, Ham and Japheth, their wives and a male and female of each kind of living being.
Then the Lord shooed all the animals away from the door and slammed it shut. (Part of a zebra’s tail was still sticking out but the Lord just ignored it since there was no way he was ever going to get that door shut again) Then the Lord gave the ark an almighty heave-ho and off they went!
Day Ten on the Ark
Ham: Dad can’t we open a window or something? The smell in here is gross!
Noah: What’s that? I thought I saw your lips moving, son, but I can’t hear you over all the squawking, and the mooing and the bleating.
Betty: I can’t stand all this sitting! What I wouldn’t give for that trampoline right now.
Noah: What honey? Did you say something about a tambourine?
Shem: I’m hungry! Hey I know! What’s say we barbecue one of the animals!
Japheth: Are we there yet?
Day 50 on the ark:
Everybody in unison: Ninety- nine potter vessels of wine on the ark, 99 pottery vessels of wine, take one down and pass it around 98 pottery vessels of wine on the ark . . .
Day 100 on the Ark
Shem: Hey guess what everybody? We have officially risen 25 feet above the tops of the mountains!
Ham: How do you know that?
Shem: I measured it with this 25-foot flood dipstick Dad let me bring.
Betty: Noah! How come you let Shem bring a 25-foot water dipstick, but you wouldn’t let me bring one lousy little trampoline?
Noah: What’s that Betty? I can’t hear you over all the snorting and the squealing and the bow-wowing.
Japheth: Are we there yet?
Day 130 on the Ark
Shem: Hey Dad a raven and a dove just got out and the raven didn’t come back but the dove did, and it had an olive branch in its beak!
Noah: You know what, Shem, at this point Daddy doesn’t really give a rat’s behind.
Ham: Ha ha! Funny you should say that, Dad, because there are several rats behind you right now!
Noah: Hm . . . apparently some of us have been going forth and multiplying early.
Day 150 on the Ark
Noah: Ninety nine pottery vessels of—
Ham: Hey Dad! Last time I looked outside there wasn’t any water anywhere, just dry land as far as the eye could see.
Noah: What? When was this?
Ham: About three months ago give or take.
Noah: What? Why didn’t you tell me?
Ham: I know how much you hate getting interrupted when you sing.
And a hearty laugh was had by all!
And there you have it, Dear Readers! How Gregory imagines life on the ark during the Great Flood. Be sure and check back next week for another Gregory bible adventure!
Until next time . . . I love you