Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.
Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning shall we?
David’s Killing Skills Make King Saul Jealous
Last week, we learned that David was so loved by the Lord that even when David was sentenced to death by being thrown in the lion pit, he didn’t get eaten because the Lord secretly put milk and Purina Lion Chow into the lions’ saucers when no one was looking — rendering them too full for ripping and shredding.
(Wait a minute . . . that might have been Daniel . . . oh well, what’s the difference.)
So anyway, the Lord loved David just as much everybody else did. That’s because David was as popular in biblical times as Brad Pitt would be today if he wouldn’t have ever met Angelina Jolie.
The Philistine Slaughtering Convention
Anyway, David was like a son to King Saul, that is until the day he and King Saul returned from a Philistine-slaughtering business trip and a group of teenage girls were waiting to meet them at the beaten-path-port.
As soon as they saw them, they started singing, “Saul has slain his thousands, And David his ten thousands!” (This was way before songs about teenage angst had been invented.)
Even though King Saul made pleasant small talk with the girls while he autographed their stones, he made a mental note that since David was viewed by the girls to be a more prolific Philistine Slaughterer than himself, King Saul was going to have to kill David.
Oysters were bigger in biblical days than they are now
The next day while David was playing the harp for King Saul, King Saul suddenly got a bee in his bonnet (this was way before crowns were invented) and decided to throw the javelin he was using to eat some really large smoked oysters with at David.
At that precise moment, David leaned over to turn the page of his harp music and the javelin went right over the top of his head, parting his hair so that it fell in an even more becoming hairdo than before. This freaked out King Saul because 1) he used to be so good at darts and 2) it seemed like the Lord liked David better than him and 3) David’s hair looked better parted on the side.
King Saul devises a convoluted plan to kill David because in biblical days convoluted plans were the only kind of plans that existed
King Saul: Hey Dave! How about marrying my daughter, Merab? All you have to do is fight my battles for me until you are killed in battle. (King Saul hoped he hadn’t said the killed in battle part out loud)
David: Who moi? I’m not worthy to be your son-in-law. But okay.
King Saul: Sorry no, she’s marrying somebody else! Ha! I can’t believe you thought I was going to let you marry her, but hey, how about marrying my other daughter, Michal?
David: She’s a girl right?
King Saul: Yeah, with a boy’s name.
David: Okay, but I’m not worthy to marry her either.
King Saul: True. But if you slaughter 500 Philistines I’ll let you marry her.
David: 500 hundred! Five, zero, zero, Philistines? That many?
King Saul: Okay make it a hundred.
David: One hundred! One, zero, zero, Philistines? That many?
King Saul. Okay, make it one Philistine.
David: One! One whole Philistine?
King Saul: Listen, what about if you were to just go next door to Phil Philistine’s house, let his goat loose and over water his geranium plant?
David just won’t die
When nothing untoward happened to David while he was over-watering Phil’s geranium plant, King Saul told all his servants to kill David. But King Saul’s son, Jonathon, went to his dad and talked King Saul out of killing David and King Saul agreed.
That is until one day when King Saul was eating some really large oysters again and David was playing the harp again and well . . . King Saul just couldn’t help himself! He threw his javelin at David.
Only this time David was prepared and not only dodged the javelin but also managed to reach up and grab the smoked oyster off it as it flew by and popped it into his mouth.
This biblical story would have had a happy ending but the oyster made David quite ill which taught him a good lesson: eating oysters in biblical days was hugely iffy.
And that’s what Gregory learned in Sunday School todayl Please be sure to stop by next week at this same to see what Gregory will learn in Sunday school next!
Until next time . . . I love you