Hello Dear Readers and welcome to Screw It Monday where we don’t do anything at all. Today, we’ll take a look back through the archives of this blog and pull out something from the bottom. (Please ignore the mildew!) This is called:
Aliens Secretly Study Humanity Under the Guise of a 1960′s Sandwich Cookbook.
I know it’s hard to believe, Dear Readers, but after carefully examining the above peculiarly- worded cookbook from the 1960’s — it quickly became apparent to me that this is not a cookbook at all, but, in actuality, is a scientific study of the human race conducted by aliens from the planet Zorin!
Shall we turn to the first page?
Sandwiches for the Small Fry
As you can see by this heading, the aliens are going to great pains to make us believe that they have full command of English language idioms. Apparently they think these children are idioms. Apparently they think the entire human race are idioms!
The aliens go on to explain to their fellow Zorinians that sandwiches in the small fry’s “carried lunch” should be “made of bread” and that fruit should be eaten out of the small fry’s “hands” and that “milk should be sent from home in a small vacuum bottle”.
The aliens stressed that Zorinians should not confuse “Small Frys” with “small order of fries” even though both are equally delicious.
Let us move on (quickly!):
Taste Tempters for Teens
After much concentrated study, the aliens have ascertained that this is a fair representation of the typical eating behavior of the human “teen”. And they go on to state that “teen-agers are a mystery” — adding that “boy or girl their appetites are immense” even “staggering.” The report emphasizes that human “teenagers” have a “bottomless appetite” and an “endless thirst.” Information that probably raised a Zorinian eyebrow or two (or seven).
Next the aliens attempt to enlighten Zorinians about the mystifying behavior of:
Picnic Packables:
As you can see from this heading, when it comes to alliteration, the aliens are definitely on-board the human-language train! Even going so far as to use the word, “packables”. Well they aren’t billions of years more advanced than us for nothin’!
At first, the aliens were in total disarray as to what the father figure pictured above was doing. But after intensified study, the aliens came to the conclusion that this particular human being’s lower appendages had collapsed by a whopping fifty percent (perhaps from carting around Picnic Packables?) and when that happens, human beings must squeeze a circular object with their “hands” for prolonged periods of time in order to restore proper appendage positioning. The Zorinians got a good laugh out of this one!
Well that’s all we have time for today, Dear Reader, but rest assured there are plenty more Secret Studies by Zorinians about the Human Race hiding within the pages of 1960 cookbooks and I plan to expose every single one of them or be abducted trying!
That is my pledge to you.
Until next time . . . I love you
Linda Vernon Humor 
I was both a Small Fry & a Tempted Teen in the 60’s. You know what they say if you can remember the 60’s you obviously weren’t really there? Maybe a Zorinian influence to make sure we didn’t know we were being studied?
Ha ha! Benzenees! That explains why I didn’t remember much of the 60’s either! 😀 Those tricky Zorinians! 😀
LOL, I love how they generalize what children will eat by saying they like things that are “familiar” rather than “exotic.” It’s almost a parody of itself!
It really is a parody of itself Melissa!! — either that or these editors were indoctrinated by the buttoned-down culture they had the misfortune of finding themselves in or they really were Zorinians from planet Zorin. Either way they were colossal idiots! 😀
Zorinians can study me all the want, it’s the probing that I’m concerned with. Okay, maybe just a little . . . as long as it doesn’t hurt.
Hahahahaha! You better be careful Russell. I think the Zorinians are monitoring you via WordPress! “Klaatu barada nikto” (Just giving them a shout out in case they are!)
Oh, no…don’t be abducted. Personally, I haven’t heard any good things about the probing! I wonder if they’re reading your blog right now. You are so clever that you’ve figured them out!
Ha ha! Sandwiches my foot! 😀
I think there was never a follow up to this post because the Zorinians visited all the thrift shops to collect their wayward manuals.
that, or they secretly replaced Linda Vernon. (Look for a person sized pod or bag of flour that they could have hidden her original self in.)
(Then redeem for valuable prizes from the Zorinians!)
LMAO (Laughing my antenna off — if I had any I mean!) 😀
I like how the picnic the mother and daughter are preparing the spread while the boys lark around and bear witness to their fathers anal prolapse. One boy doesn’t want to play ball though, he’s torn between trying to look sporty in front of his father and wanting to make swan napkins.
Hahahaha! I love you Joe Hoover!
You pick the best images. I was on Buzzfeed’s site yesterday and it had a thing about how to spot a thrift store shopper. I skipped by it, thrift shopping is fine by me!
Oh I’ll have to go check that one out and see what they are saying about us, Joe!
“Apparently they think these children are idioms. Apparently they think the entire human race are idioms!” LOLOL!! I got a good laugh out of this and the dad whose lower appendages had collapsed! haha!
I just love the Zorinians! When it comes to aliens, they are the most fun bunch! 😀