Screw It Monday: Creepy Seventies Jerry Vibes

July 29, 2013 Linda Vernon Screw It Monday, Slighty Creepy Seventies, The Daily Routine 70's humor, eloping with Penelope Peach, gardening humor, humor, humour, making fruit trees your friends, running away with Harry Chestnut, Simon and Schuster Logo, Simon and Schuster publishing company

Hello Dear Readers! It’s Screw It Monday, which means it’s time to stare out into space and think about all the things you could be doing right now if you weren’t staring out into space.

Well here’s an idea for us! Why don’t we all go outside right now and make friends with our fruit trees? That’s right! Just like the slightly creepy seventies author, Jerry Baker, did back in 1973, when wrote an entire book about it. Apparently it was just the kind of thing people in the seventies were clamoring for!

Here it is in all its creepy seventies glory!

As you can see, besides this book, Jerry also penned Plants are like People. Well, I’ll bet all the ones Jerry knows are anyway.

Now let’s take a closer look at Jerry, himself. Let’s gaze into his eyes and see if we can figure out what makes Jerry so friendly with his fruit trees.

Doesn’t he look like he knows something we don’t? Like maybe he has plans to party later with his apple trees and his apricot trees, and we’re not invited. Okay fine, be that way Jerry! We wouldn’t go to your stupid fruit tree party if you paid us!

Let’s open to the first page and see what awaits us:

First of all, it strikes me as weird that, Jerry’s book about how he made friends with his fruit trees was actually published by the prestigious publishing company of Simon and Schuster. Talk about slim pickin’s in the slush pile!

And then there’s that slightly creepy logo of theirs. Why does a prestigious publishing company such as Simon and Schuster have a logo consisting of a man walking around in a onsie wearing a dough-boy helmet and a water-ski belt with one hand tucked inside of it? So I took the liberty of looking up Simon and Schuster for us and here they are:

And somehow it explains everything.

Anyway, getting back to Jerry and his friends, inside Jerry’s book are many topics that are truly helpful for people who want to expand their social circle and start including members of the plant kingdom as part of their circle of friends.

Let’s take a look at some of Jerry’s friends. Well there’s:

And there’s:

And there’s Mr. Politically Incorrect:
And of course we can’t forget the lovely and beautiful:

And there’s also Jerry’s only human friend, his foxy wife, whatshername:

She’s looking mighty satisfied because later she is planning to runaway with:

But Jerry’s doesn’t care because he’s already madly in love with:

So you see everything is working out quite nicely for Jerry and his little group of fruit tree friends.

Here’s Penelope Peach and Jerry right after they moved in together:

Please say that’s all Jerry. Please! For the love of God! Please say that’s all!

Until next time . . . I love you

Screw It Monday: Pictures of Stuff on My Desk

July 22, 2013 Linda Vernon Blogging, Screw It Monday, The Daily Routine, Who am I?, Writing life Bleh, comedy, humor, humorous comedy about daily life, humour, National Bleh Day, stupid pictures of stuff on my desk

Welcome, Dear Readers. Do you ever wake up in “one of those moods” where the whole world is just one big ball of bleh?

Well, this blog is officially announcing a new holiday.

National Bleh Day!

And in honor of National Bleh Day, let’s do something bleh by taking stupid pictures of the stuff on our desks. Here, I’ll get us started:

desk 1 — Bleh doesn’t really get any more Bleh than this. The centerpiece of this picture is the spoon I ate my cereal with. I don’t know what happened to the bowl. I think I might have accidentally eaten it. How does it fee to eat a bowl? Frankly, I don’t even remember it.

Here's the Old Fogey cereal that was in the bowl I ate. It's got fiber and 80 calories so I ate four (4) bowls which probably means I ate the same amount of calories and sugar as two maple bars. Why didn't I just eat Maple Bars instead? Because today is National Bleh day. And what better way to Bleh Out! — Here’s the Old-Fogey cereal that was in the bowl I ate. It’s got fiber and 80 calories so I ate four (4) bowls which probably means I ate the same amount of calories and sugar as two maple bars. Why didn’t I just eat two Maple Bars instead? Because today is National Bleh Day which I am beginning to hate already.

Here's a notebook I've had in my desk drawer for probably 6 years. Just judging from this note I made myself, you can kind of see why I'm always missing appointments and why I'm not a millionaire. I start to doodling half-way through every note rendering every note I've ever made totally useless. Frankly that's one of the reasons I've started National Bleh Day. So I can finally get some use out of all this pointless stuff I have/ — Here’s a notebook I’ve had in my desk drawer for probably 6 years. Just judging from this note I made myself, you can kind of see why I’m always missing appointments and why I’m not a millionaire. I start doodling half-way through every note rendering it totally useless. Frankly, that’s one of the reasons I’ve started National Bleh Day. So I can finally get some use out of all this pointless stuff I have. ( I would have turned this vertically so you could read it better, but what with it being National Bleh Day, why bother?)

How much more uninspiring can this picture get? The answer is none more inspiring — How much more Bleh can this picture get? The answer is none more Bleh. I probably went to too much work for this picture as it is. Anyway, that pen is the pen I sometimes use when I need to write something with a pen. The nail polish I have on right now (see below). That’s my coffee in the background (it’s cold). And that little green block is something I bought one time. *Why?*

Okay, here's what the nail polish looks like on my fingernails. I know they kind of look like my toes, but their not. My toes are shorter and fatter. I kind of like clear nail polish because when it chips off, you don't really notice. Who do I even bother with the clear? Well, it's the kind of thing one contemplates on National Bleh Day. — Okay, here’s what the nail polish looks like on my fingernails. I know they kind of look like my toes, but they’re not. My toes are shorter and fatter. I kind of like clear nail polish because when it chips off, you don’t really notice.
But then you have to ask yourself, if you can’t tell if it’s chipped, it probably doesn’t show enough to even bother with.
I don’t’ know whether to put a question mark after the above sentence because I can’t tell if it’s a question or not.
See this is the kind of stuff discussed on National Bleh Day. Aren’t you glad I started National Bleh Day? No? Me neither. (Wait . . . did I just agree or disagree with myself?)

Oh hey! Here's an old piece of candy I found in my desk. It looks old. It looks like it would taste pretty Bleh. — **Oh hey! Here’s a piece of candy I found in my desk. It looks old. It looks like it would taste pretty Bleh. Let’s find out shall we?**

Yup I was right. It does taste Bleh. Probably because I think it's been in my desk drawer since 2012. Of course, that doesn't stop me from eating the whole stale piece. Why? Because that's what people do on National Bleh Day. — Yup I was right. It does taste pretty Bleh. Probably because I think it’s been in my desk drawer since 2009. Of course, that won’t stop me from eating the whole stale piece. Why? Because that’s what people do on National Bleh Day.

And there you have it, Dear Reader, our very first celebration of National Bleh Day. I hope your day will be as bland, and mediocre and uneventful as is humanly possible on, this, our very first National Bleh Day!

Until next time . . . I love you

Screw It Monday: Aliens Secretly Study Humanity

June 3, 2013June 3, 2013 Linda Vernon Screw It Monday, The Daily Routine aliens, aliens studying humanity through old cookbooks, comedy, funny alien cookbooks, humor, humorous, humour, Secret Alien Cookbook Agenda

Hello Dear Readers and welcome to Screw It Monday where we don’t do anything at all. Today, we’ll take a look back through the archives of this blog and pull out something from the bottom. (Please ignore the mildew!) This is called:

Aliens Secretly Study Humanity Under the Guise of a 1960′s Sandwich Cookbook.

I know it’s hard to believe, Dear Readers, but after carefully examining the above peculiarly- worded cookbook from the 1960’s — it quickly became apparent to me that this is not a cookbook at all, but, in actuality, is a scientific study of the human race conducted by aliens from the planet Zorin!

Shall we turn to the first page?

Sandwiches for the Small Fry

As you can see by this heading, the aliens are going to great pains to make us believe that they have full command of English language idioms. Apparently they think these children are idioms. Apparently they think the entire human race are idioms!

The aliens go on to explain to their fellow Zorinians that sandwiches in the small fry’s “carried lunch” should be “made of bread” and that fruit should be eaten out of the small fry’s “hands” and that “milk should be sent from home in a small vacuum bottle”.

The aliens stressed that Zorinians should not confuse “Small Frys” with “small order of fries” even though both are equally delicious.

Let us move on (quickly!):

Taste Tempters for Teens

After much concentrated study, the aliens have ascertained that this is a fair representation of the typical eating behavior of the human “teen”. And they go on to state that “teen-agers are a mystery” — adding that “boy or girl their appetites are immense” even “staggering.” The report emphasizes that human “teenagers” have a “bottomless appetite” and an “endless thirst.” Information that probably raised a Zorinian eyebrow or two (or seven).

Next the aliens attempt to enlighten Zorinians about the mystifying behavior of:

Picnic Packables:

As you can see from this heading, when it comes to alliteration, the aliens are definitely on-board the human-language train! Even going so far as to use the word, “packables”. Well they aren’t billions of years more advanced than us for nothin’!

At first, the aliens were in total disarray as to what the father figure pictured above was doing. But after intensified study, the aliens came to the conclusion that this particular human being’s lower appendages had collapsed by a whopping fifty percent (perhaps from carting around Picnic Packables?) and when that happens, human beings must squeeze a circular object with their “hands” for prolonged periods of time in order to restore proper appendage positioning. The Zorinians got a good laugh out of this one!

Well that’s all we have time for today, Dear Reader, but rest assured there are plenty more Secret Studies by Zorinians about the Human Race hiding within the pages of 1960 cookbooks and I plan to expose every single one of them or be abducted trying!

That is my pledge to you.

Until next time . . . I love you

Screw It Monday

February 25, 2013February 25, 2013 Linda Vernon Screw It Monday A Lady with a Pink, comedy, funny, Hans Memling, Horizon, humor, humorous, Mondays, satire

Hello Dear Readers! Now I know it’s Monday, and we Go-Get-‘er Americans are always supposed to be productive as all get out on Mondays or at least look like we are, but today Dear Readers, I say screw it! (Yes, I’m even pulling out the word “screw” –sometimes I get in a mood and there’s no holding me back!)

What’s say we recklessly thumb through an old book instead, shall we?

Here’s a book I found at the thrift store. (Quelle surprise !) It’s entitled Horizon. But it’s really more like a magazine. It’s a collection of random topics and pictures. Here’s the cover:

Horizon, American Heritage Publishing Company Linda Vernon Humor — The book says this portrait is called A *Lady with a Pink*. It is the work of Hans Memling from the 15th century, which means it was either painted in the 1400’s or the 1600’s. I can never get that straight, but then again, that’s the least of my problems. Let’s just take a wild guess and say it was painted in 1473 and be done with it. There now, wasn’t that easy?

Okay, now let’s imagine a dialogue between Hans Memling and his wife right after he showed her A Lady with a Pink:

Wife: Honey It’s adorable! Ah! I just love that little spit curl at the top of her forehead.

Hans: Thank you.

Wife: But, honey, may I make a suggestion? Don’t you think her head’s a skosh too big? I mean doesn’t she look like she’s got a five-head going on?

Hans: What? No! Her head really looks like that.

Wife: Okay, but I think you might want to erase some of her head. But leave in the spit curl. That spit curl just makes it pop. What are you calling it?

Hans: A Lady with a Pink.

Wife: A lady with a pink what? . . . Hans, didn’t you hear me? . . . I said a lady with a pink what? Ha ha very funny, Hans! You can stop pretending like you’re dead again. . . Hans?

A Lady with a Pink doesn’t really look all that hard to draw in my opinion.

A Lady with a Pink . . . .Linda vernon humor — See it’s cinchy.

Okay, I’m admitting flat-out that my version isn’t as good as Hans’s but at least she’s wearing something pink. (I updated her hair color a little too.) And I gotta say, IMHO I nailed that spit curl better than Hans Memling did. God rest his 15th century soul.

Okay, that’s enough about the cover. Now let’s crack open the book, Dear Readers! Oh boy . . . there are so many weird pictures inside . . . let’s just stick some captions on them:

Of course there are lots more weird pictures in our old book, but remember, we don’t want to work too hard today, what with it being Screw It Monday! So let’s just call it a day and go do something even more unproductive than this, if possible.

Until next time . . . I love you

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National Bleh Day!

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Aliens Secretly Study Humanity Under the Guise of a 1960′s Sandwich Cookbook.

Shall we turn to the first page?

Let us move on (quickly!):

Next the aliens attempt to enlighten Zorinians about the mystifying behavior of:

Picnic Packables:

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