37, Me and The Big D

Welcome Dear Readers to Linda Vernon Humor 2.0!  

Oh happy day! The time has come to start writing again.   The main thing that has happened to me since I last wrote, 1016 days ago, is that I am now divorced from my husband of 40 years who I always referred to on this blog as 37.

You can read about 37 and all the fun we used to have here if you’re curious (but I wouldn’t bother if I were you).

So why did 37 and I get a divorce?

I’ll spare you the gory details, because I honestly don’t know them.  Suffice it to say, it was a mighty big surprise to me when 37 came home from work one night and sat me down and explained he didn’t want to be married anymore. I can’t even remember what he said.  I only remember his explanation didn’t make much sense.  But he wrapped it up in 40 minutes before he left to go to a hotel — so one minute for every year we were married.  I don’t know if he planned it that way, but he is an engineer, and they are known for being precise.

You can read about 37 being an engineer here (but I wouldn’t bother if I were you).

 37 dropped off the face of the planet and is now rumored to be living on the planet’s neck and shoulders (or possibly lower)

I’ve only seen 37 a couple of times since he left.  It’s all very unreal, Dear Readers, and it has taken me 1016 days to get my bearings figured out. (I was a D student in bearings class.) But I’m happy to report that I have decided to have a ball with the rest of my life anyway and that includes writing humor. Because I’ve found that it’s hard to be depressed when you are trying to think up funny stuff.

Divorce Helpful Hints

So what have I learned from going through a divorce after 40 years of marriage?  I’ve learned how to go out on dates.  I’ve learned how to drive places I normally would have never dreamed of driving. I’ve learned how to  open a jar pickles with my own strength.  Okay not really.  But I have learned not to buy pickles anymore. I’ve learned that it’s nice not to have a man in the house who eats  all the potato chips before you get any and much more which I will write about from time to time.

Anyway, thank you for coming to check out Linda Vernon Humor 2.0.  And I look forward to connecting with all of you!

Until next time . . . I love you

 

 

Explaining Friday with Charts and Graphs

Dear Readers!  Good News!  It’s Friday here at the blog.  What does Friday mean to us?

For some of us, Friday means it’s the last day of the work week and that the next two days will be spent in pursuits of our own choosing!

On the other hand, for those of us who are off all week and who have to go to work on Saturday and Sunday then Friday means it’s actually Sunday and tomorrow isn’t really Saturday at all — it’s Monday, meaning of course, it won’t actually be Friday, in a case like that, until Sunday!

I know it sounds confusing, Dear Readers, perhaps this  helpful chart will be helpful:

Helpful Chart created by Linda Vernon

Now as you can see by this helpful chart, if it’s Sunday, and you have to go to work on Thursday, but you have four Wednesdays off in a row,  it won’t actually be Friday until Tuesday afternoon.  Or maybe it’s the other way around.  I’m alway getting those two confused.

Maybe this graph will better illustrate my point:

Graph that better illustrates my point
Graph That Will Better Illustrate My Point

There now!  Isn’t that better?   Oh, and if you look in the lower-right hand corner of the Chart That Better Illustrates My Point, you will see that Friday tolerances are not cumulative!   Wait . . . that doesn’t take into account leap year.  Oh I’m so embarrassed.  Wrong chart!

Here’s the chart I should have shown you in the first place:

The Chart I Should Have Showed You in the First Place
The Chart I Should Have Shown You in the First Place

As you can see, if you are here, and it’s Friday but you have to work on the weekend, then today is really uh . . . wait . . . okay, now even I’m getting confused.   Ha ha!  Isn’t that the way it always is on Fridays/Sundays (or possibly Wednesdays)?

Screw it,  Dear Readers!  Let’s just cut to the chase and go directly to the chart that is Self-Explanatory:

The Chart That Is Self Explanatory

The Chart That is Self Explanatory
The Chart That is Self Explanatory

I think you’ll agree, Dear Readers, that the person who came up with this chart to explain the different days of the week as they pertain to Fridays is a self-explanatory genius!  After all, it’s not every mind that can boil down a complicated “Friday” concept to  simple spleens, elbows and inner thys.

But just in case, you are still a little confused about whether it’s Friday, Sunday or next Tuesday, I’m pulling out the stops and throwing in a picture just to be on the safe side.  But not just any picture.  I am throwing in a picture that tells a thousand words.

A Picture That Tells a Thousand Words

The Picture That Tells a Thousand Words.
A Picture That Tells a Thousand Words

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  There’s really nothing left to say about Friday, Monday or any other day of the week as far as I’m concerned.

Have a great weekend!

Until next time . . . I love you

R.I.P Lenny Xavier, A Star Player in the Linda Vernon Electronics Team

Dear Readers.  Bad News!  The star player in my Linda Vernon Electronics Team, my desktop computer, Lenny Xavier went mad and had to be unplugged.

There were signs but I chose not to see them

There have been signs.  I won’t go into the ugly particulars, but I didn’t take them seriously.  You see, Lenny Xavier had a tendency to be a bit of a  hypochondriac. He was always  worrying about  his updates, and he was always going off-line at slightest provocation to restart.   And god only knows what Lenny was doing while he was restarting.  (I suspect a serious electronic- cigarette addiction.)

As with any hypochondriac, one tends to quit listening after a while.   Life goes on no matter how many viruses  Lenny Xavier worried himself into a state of hysteria imagining he had.

Today Lenny Xavier went beeping mad!

Today, Dear Readers, Lenny completely lost it and just started beeping and beeping and beeping and beeping!  (If Lenny  had hands I suspect  he would have also been doing that lip strumming thing too if he had lips.)

I tried to calm him down by pushing control alt delete repeatedly and swearing at him but he just kept beeping and beeping and beeping.  Dear Readers it was ever so horrifying and ever so traumatizing and ever so annoying.

I had no choice!

I had no choice but  to unplug Lenny Xavier from his life support.   Don’t look at my blog like that!  I had too!  It’s not like I shot Old Yeller! (Almost but not quite).  

I  just gently unplugged Lenny Xavier from life support, that’s all.  After all, this time he could  have really had that  rabies virus he was always thinking he had.

And I swear he was on the verge of biting met too!  I could tell by the way his motor was growling!

You’re probably wondering how I’m typing this right now.  Call me mercenary (mercy for short), but I planned for this day  by asking for a laptop computer from my husband, 37, for Christmas this year!  I knew he’d get me one too because 37 can never resist an excuse to go to Fryes to purchase things that plug in.

Enter Delores

My new little laptop, Delores, is just a pup but so far she’s a real trooper and can be counted on in an emergency such as this one.  I haven’t told  Delores yet about what happened to Lenny Xavier.   I may have to download When Bad Things Happen to Good Computers first  to soften the blow  — but I’m sure she’ll rally (especially when she realizes that she, too, has a plug.)

Of course, I have no intention of running  right out and replacing poor dear Lenny Xavier this morning.  Naturally I’ll wait  a respectable amount of time.

I figure somewhere around  2 p.m. should do it.

R.I.P Lenny Xavier 2007 -2014
R.I.P Lenny Xavier
At least he died doing something he loved, beeping.

Until next time . . . I love you

Take the Very First Linda Vernon Humor Poll

Here’s something this blog’s never done before.  A poll!  I’m not sure how to do it, Dear Readers, but I’m willing to give it the ol’ half-hearted, Linda Vernon college drop out try!!

Okay I’m looking around my desk for something to take a poll about.  Oh here’s something:

This man is . . . 

Linda Vernon Humor Quiz

Hey that was fun.  Let’s do another one, wanna?

This man is . . . .

Cheesey ad for flab

And these men are . . . 

Two men doing marshal arts

And, finally, this man is . . . 

man with perfect confidence

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  I hope you had fun taking this blog’s very first poll! Now to celebrate!  Let’s all go find that banana and eat it shall we?

Until next time . . . I love you, are you kidding?  Don’t make me laugh!

My Five Worst Posting Fails of 2013

Welcome Dear Readers!  I have had so much fun blogging this year I can’t even tell you because I’ve already used up my entire vocabulary for the 2013.

So today we will be looking at some of the failed posts that no matter how hard me and my brain, Peanuts, tried, we just couldn’t get to work.

Failure # 1:

The Patronizing Noodle Lady

Here’s how the post started out: 

Welcome Dear Reader!  Good News!  The Patronizing Noodle Lady has decided to make a visit to the blog.

Here’s a picture of  The Patronizing Noodle Lady: 

These are Noodles!
“No!  You’re not listening. These here . . . the ones I’m touching, these long skinny things, are called noodles. And the noodles go here, where my index finger is tapping.  My index finger is the finger you would use if you wanted  to point at something. Do you know how to point at something? Or were you lying about that question on your resume?”
The Patronizing Noodle Lady, Linda Vernon Humor
Peanuts and I even drew a picture of The Patronizing Noodle Lady thinking she might become a recurring blog character.

But that’s as far as Peanuts and I got with The Patronizing Noodle Lady, and the reason is because we failed to take into account how very difficult it is to find pictures of people who are in the act of being patronizing.  So Peanuts and I abandoned The Patronizing Noodle Lady which is really what she deserves anyway, we supposed.

Failure #2

Here’s another post draft that Peanuts and I abandoned:

Welcome Dear Reader!  Good News!  Mother Goose Has Agreed to Answer Your Most Pressing Questions:  

Dear Mother Goose:

Every time I make a pie, there’s a little boy who livs do

As you can see from the work we put in, neither Peanuts nor I was really committed to “Mother Goose Answers Your Most Pressing Questions.”  I thought it would be a humor goldmine, but my brain, Peanuts, threw down the pick and shovel and  jumped into a bowl of  buttered rum, leaving me hanging. Thanks . . .hic. . . a lot Peanuts!

Failure #3

Here’s another  draft that was abandoned.  I’m blaming Peanuts entirely for this one.  It said simply:

Mrs. Ricardo, Dan Jenkins second-hand furniture man:

If you were to watch this clip, you would see that this is the episode where Lucy stares at William Holden while he trying to eat his lunch.  It’s really funny and in the end she lights her clay nose on fire. Ha! Ha!

But Dan Jenkins, the used furniture, man who buys Lucy’s furniture for $90 and then sells it back to her for $125 isn’t even in this episode!  That’s why this draft is  so very strange!  As you probably guessed, Peanuts loves ‘I Love Lucy’ and always insists we watch it instead of Meet the Press.

Failure #4

Okay, here’s a  draft that needs no explanation because no explanation exists.

Off to Battle with the CaananLittle Guy Tie

The nonsequitor of  the “Off to battle with the Caanon” broken link  paired with a picture of a baby wearing a knitted tie is just the kind of thing my brain, Peanuts, comes up with when sound asleep. I’m sure my subconscious mind got a big kick out of it though.  My subconscious laughs pretty easily and at the dumbest things.

Failure #5

Here’s an abandoned draft that shows you how temperamental  my brain, Peanuts, can be.   All it said was:

Hello Dear Readers!

And then apparently Peanuts called it a day.  Well at least Peanuts didn’t have the audacity to post it . . . like I’m doing right now . . . uh oh . . . I think I hear Peanuts laughing in the recesses of my brain — where,  for my brain, Peanuts, it’s recess 24/7/365.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, it being whatever this was.

Until next time . . . we (me and Peanuts) love you

The Lighter Side of Gangrene

Dear Readers!  Where is the time going?  I get up, I have my coffee and viola! Noon!

Today I’m only posting  this little limerick from the archives!  Please enjoy it! (I’ll feel guilty if you don’t!)

Doreen

There once was a girl named Doreen

Who was as tall as a mutant string bean

Even when kneeling

Her head hit the ceiling

And now both her ears have gangrene

Until next time . . . I love you

Picture-less-ly Yours

Welcome Dear Readers!   Thank you for coming. I apologize in advance for the fact that this will be a picture-less blog.

So I will try to paint pictures for you using my vast command of the English language if you can call three verbs, a semi-colon and a non-dangling participle a “vast command.”

This blog is picture-less because I am writing it on my beloved Ipad. I love my Ipad but I don’t know how to get pictures into a blog using it.  It’s not that I don’t like reading instructions it’s just that . . . wait a minute . . . yes it is.

Okay, here’s where I would insert a picture of a lady with her eyeballs rolled up and her tongue sticking out to one side wearing a little cap tipped askew on the opposite side as her tongue is sticking out and with her index finger on her chin. The caption would read:

“Uh oh did somebody say instructions?”

You can just imagine how funny that would be. And if you can’t I suggest you take you’re imagination to the nearest Imagination Store and get it tuned up!

Okay, here’s where I would really make the last paragraph a zinger by inserting a picture of a lady with her eyeballs rolled up and her tongue sticking out to one side while wearing a little cap tipped askew on the opposite side as her tongue is sticking out and walking into a store of some kind. The caption would read:

“Uh oh . . . did somebody say imagination tune-ups?”

Well, you can just imagine how hilarious this would have been had I been able to figure out how to work my Ipad. It would have been off-the-charts funny!

Okay, this is where I would have inserted a picture of a chart where a line went squiggly for awhile and then went straight up past the chart itself and into the margin above it.  

I can’t stop laughing just thinking about it!

Until next time . . . I love you