Welcome Dear Readers! I have had so much fun blogging this year I can’t even tell you because I’ve already used up my entire vocabulary for the 2013.
So today we will be looking at some of the failed posts that no matter how hard me and my brain, Peanuts, tried, we just couldn’t get to work.
Failure # 1:
The Patronizing Noodle Lady
Here’s how the post started out:
Welcome Dear Reader! Good News! The Patronizing Noodle Lady has decided to make a visit to the blog.
Here’s a picture of The Patronizing Noodle Lady:
- “No! You’re not listening. These here . . . the ones I’m touching, these long skinny things, are called noodles. And the noodles go here, where my index finger is tapping. My index finger is the finger you would use if you wanted to point at something. Do you know how to point at something? Or were you lying about that question on your resume?”
But that’s as far as Peanuts and I got with The Patronizing Noodle Lady, and the reason is because we failed to take into account how very difficult it is to find pictures of people who are in the act of being patronizing. So Peanuts and I abandoned The Patronizing Noodle Lady which is really what she deserves anyway, we supposed.
Failure #2
Here’s another post draft that Peanuts and I abandoned:
Welcome Dear Reader! Good News! Mother Goose Has Agreed to Answer Your Most Pressing Questions:
Dear Mother Goose:
Every time I make a pie, there’s a little boy who livs do
As you can see from the work we put in, neither Peanuts nor I was really committed to “Mother Goose Answers Your Most Pressing Questions.” I thought it would be a humor goldmine, but my brain, Peanuts, threw down the pick and shovel and jumped into a bowl of buttered rum, leaving me hanging. Thanks . . .hic. . . a lot Peanuts!
Failure #3
Here’s another draft that was abandoned. I’m blaming Peanuts entirely for this one. It said simply:
Mrs. Ricardo, Dan Jenkins second-hand furniture man:
If you were to watch this clip, you would see that this is the episode where Lucy stares at William Holden while he trying to eat his lunch. It’s really funny and in the end she lights her clay nose on fire. Ha! Ha!
But Dan Jenkins, the used furniture, man who buys Lucy’s furniture for $90 and then sells it back to her for $125 isn’t even in this episode! That’s why this draft is so very strange! As you probably guessed, Peanuts loves ‘I Love Lucy’ and always insists we watch it instead of Meet the Press.
Failure #4
Okay, here’s a draft that needs no explanation because no explanation exists.
The nonsequitor of the “Off to battle with the Caanon” broken link paired with a picture of a baby wearing a knitted tie is just the kind of thing my brain, Peanuts, comes up with when sound asleep. I’m sure my subconscious mind got a big kick out of it though. My subconscious laughs pretty easily and at the dumbest things.
Failure #5
Here’s an abandoned draft that shows you how temperamental my brain, Peanuts, can be. All it said was:
Hello Dear Readers!
And then apparently Peanuts called it a day. Well at least Peanuts didn’t have the audacity to post it . . . like I’m doing right now . . . uh oh . . . I think I hear Peanuts laughing in the recesses of my brain — where, for my brain, Peanuts, it’s recess 24/7/365.
And there you have it, Dear Readers, it being whatever this was.
Until next time . . . we (me and Peanuts) love you
Linda Vernon Humor 
Oh, I don’t know…I think that last one is pretty successful…
You’re right. I gotta quit second guessing Peanuts.
I think you are brave in mentioning your ‘failures’. I hope people forget mine, no need to remind them. Brings back horrible memories of words that just didn’t go together at all. Thanks Linda.
I think I call mine “My Five Most Brilliant Ideas That Never Made It To Fruition.” Initially, these ideas sound great, but then I realize either they were dorky or they were going to require too much effort on my part. My motto is, “If it ain’t easy, let it go.”
I think you’re failures are quite successful and, frankly, I’m jealous. Does peanuts have a single brother?
No matter what you say, I love the math lady.
Peanuts could draw pics of patronizing people! 😉
I laughed out loud at the patronizing noodle lady! If peanuts doesn’t develop this character perhaps you can switch it up to the patronizing librarian.
What will peanuts almost come up with next!?
I want a tie like that. It oozes intellectual supremacy. I want one NOW.
Patronising noodle lady is sooooo patronising. Wait…is she wearing two watches? That’ll be so if you ask her the time she would shove her wrist in your face and say “2.30, can’t you read the time, LOOK, the big hand is on the 6 and the little hand is between 2 and three, it’s right here – TWICE!”
I loved them all, especially the last one!
Somehow, your failures are ten times better than most people’s not-abandoned, unfortunately-completed blog posts!
That presents us with a conundrum, as the Noodle Lady likes to say, pointing to a disgusting, tangled, fused, congealed blob of starch… : )