Haiku: A Serious Vitamin C Deficiency!

Welcome Dear Readers to the Weekend Trifecta Challenge.  Today’s challenge is to write a haiku.  : an unrhymed verse form  having three lines containing  five, seven, and five syllables respectively.

A Serious Vitamin C Deficiency!

No oranges for you

Someone times them by zero

They all disappeared!

Orange peels
Hey! Who multiplied all the oranges?

Until next time . . . I love you

Today’s Theme: Baby Eating

Welcome Dear Readers! Well it seems the time has finally come to talk about baby eating, a topic that some of you may find a tad offensive. However, for those of you brave enough to continue reading past this point → •, let’s dig in and talk about baby eating, shall we?

Cue the first slide:

Disaster-Being-eaten-Lion-eating-baby
NO! WAIT! Don’t eat my baby!  At least let me run home and get the ketchup first!

Is it just me, or does this woman look like she’s not really trying very hard to save her baby?  I mean, she could just reach over and pry the baby out of the lions mouth.  Maybe she could even get the lion to open his mouth on his own with a few “here kitty kitty’s.” But no.  Instead she looks like she’s about to say, “Wait here while I run home and get the rest of my children. I’ll be back in two shakes of a lambs tail and I’ll even bring the lamb for dessert.”

Cue the next slide:

Medieval-Mythology-Saturn-eating-babies
Excuse me honey, sorry to bother you while you’re . . . uh . . .  whatever-ing, but can I have some money? The traveling baby-spice salesman is here.

Okay, here’s a mother who will clearly never make mother of the year.  She seems far more concerned with the fact that the window washer is squeegeeing the underside of her husband’s calf than with the fact that one of her babies is playing with a fire-breathing dragon while another one is being eaten whole by a farmer on his lunch break.

And don’t you get the feeling that the man at the gate just sold her a case of Big Daddy Magellan’s Medieval Mesquite Baby Seasoning Salt?

And the next slide please:

Mythology-Demon-Demon-eating-people1
These aren’t really babies he’s eating, but in keeping with our baby-eating theme, let’s just pretend they are, shall we?

Okay, here’s a baby eater that can’t even keep up!  He’s got babies coming out of his ears!  Clearly this baby eater has it all, wings, a full head (and body) of hair and a bellybutton that looks like Mickey Mouse. And even though he’s feasting on a baby, he still has rather kind eyes, don’t you think?

In fact, I have a feeling he’d make a better mother than the other mothers pictured above.  Maybe that why people babies  are lining up to be eaten by him — probably figuring that since they’re going to be eaten anyway — they might as well be eaten by a kind sort of monster — at least one who has a belly button shaped like Mickey Mouse.

Linda Vernon Humor Baby Eating
“Hey! Getting my leg bitten off isn’t even making me cry. Well that’s refreshingly unexpected!”

Whoa!  Here’s a baby eater that can clearly pack it away (and probably never gain a pound!).  He’s got no qualms about chowing down on a baby two-thirds his size. I just hope his eyes don’t prove to be bigger than his stomach and I just hope his stomach is able to handle an entire baby-leg in one bite.

Nobody would eat a baby like this today.  The potential for choking is far to great! We can only assume that this man is competing in some sort of Medieval  baby-eating contest for which the prize is an all you can eat baby buffet.  Let’s just hope he’s got a big supply of Big Daddy Magellan’s Medieval Mesquite Baby Seasoning Salt on hand cause he’s gonna need it!

And that concludes today’s baby-eating themed post.  And if you enjoyed it enough, perhaps there will be more Baby-Eating Themed posts in this blog’s future.

Until next time . . . I love you

Friday Ficitoneers: Benny Flump’s French

Hello Dear Readers!  Happy Wednesday!  The only day of the week that has a hump — giving the rest of the days of the week something to grip onto thus keeping them from flying off into space. 

Plus Wednesday is also Friday Fictioneers Day, hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields-Addicted to Purple  — so it’s all good.

Here’s the prompt picture which will serve as this week’s inspiration for a 100-word story provided by Dawn M. Miller.

lvbydawne_3
Copyright Dawn Miller

Benny Flump’s French

Mademoiselle Bouillabaisse-Bourgeois crossed the lobby of the Eiffel Tower, and all eyes drank of her beauty like they were drinking a tumbler of Chardonnay after eating a 16-inch baguette.

But no eyes drank more than Benny Flump’s.  Benny’s eyes were bigger than his stomach when it came to beautiful French women. And Benny thought Mademoiselle Bouillabaisse-Bourgeois the most beautiful creature he had ever pronounced.

They would marry!

At the top of the Eiffel Tower she said “I do.” Benny replied “adieu” and then jumped.

Oh, Benny Flump’s French left a lot to be desired I should have probably said earlier.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

33-word Trifecta Writing Challenge: Farmer Larry

Welcome Dear Readers!  This weekend the Trifecta Writing Challenge editors have challenged us to write a children’s story in 33 words.  This is perfect timing for me since all my grandkids are visiting this weekend!

Farmer Larry of Sideways Farm

Sideways Farm kept Farmer Larry busy.  Every night, Farmer Larry’s animals would fall asleep and roll to the bottom of the hill and every morning Farmer Larry had to sort them out again.

LInda Vernon Humor Farmer Larry of Sideways Farm

 

Until next time . . . I love you

Flipping Through A 1953 Magazine

Welcome to Friday, Dear Readers!  And on Fridays this blog takes some time off  from goofing off to pursue more leisurely pursuits like flipping through old magazines.

And to that end, here’s a magazine from 1953 I found stuck between two cookbooks at the Thrift store yesterday:

Isn't it wonderful?
Isn’t it wonderful?

Come on, let’s look inside:

Is it just me or is this little guy wearing a saucer on his head?

1953 Heinz Baby Food ad
The aliens have landed and you’ll never guess where!

This says:  “Every Woman is Beautiful Thru Pregnancy”

Uh . . . not in this outfit she isn’t.

1953 magazine humorous commentary, Linda Vernon Humor
Gosh! When did my hair get so ugly.

The note at the top of this page says: Painted for the Green Giant Company by Norman Rockwell.

Just think! In 1953 you could still hire Norman Rockwell to illustrate your ad!

 1953 Green Giant Norman Rockwell Ad

Uh . . . judging from the color of their complexions, I think it might be a good idea for them to lay off the Libby’s Tomato Juice for a while.

1953 Magazine humorous commentary Linda Vernon Humor
“Mommy, do you think we’ll ever eat anything but tomato juice again?”
“Of course not, darling, why would we?” “Mommy, do you think we’ll ever stop dressing like twins?”
“Of course not, darling, why would we?

Something in me longs for the days when gunning down Mother if she didn’t fix her children a snack of canned meat that had been “deviled”  was considered wholesome fun!

1953 Ad for Underwod Deviled Ham
Haha! Now be sure not to riddle me with bullets until after I’ve prepared your snack, you little rascals!”

While big brothers are chasing little sister (who has a a 35-year-old woman’s face) so that they can lasso her around her neck (good luck with finding her neck),  the important thing here is that they won’t scuff the floors thanks to Simoniz self-polishing floor wax!

1953 magazine humorous commentary Linda Vernon Humor
My mother had a stove just like the one in the background.

Well, Dear Readers, my scanning elbow is starting to act up again so we’ll quit for today, but I hope you enjoyed this little romp back to 1953!

Until next time . . . I love you

Friday Fictioneers: Howard’s New Job

Welcome Dear Readers!  It’s time for recess!  Friday Fictioneer Recess!  This week’s photo prompt is brought to us by Claire Fuller’s camera.  Novelist  Claire Fuller.

Friday Fictioneers is a little writing event that happens every week starting on Wednesday, when Rochelle Wisoff- Fields at Addicted to Purple picks a picture, posts it,  and we all write a 100-word story inspired by the picture. And then link up with other Friday Fictioneers over at Rochelle’s blog.

church_and_tree-claire-fuller
Copyright Claire Fuller

Howard’s New Job

Knock! Knock!

Yes?

One pepperoni pizza! That’ll be $148.53.

What?  For pizza?

We charge extra to deliver here.

Why?

Delivery guys never come back.

I’ll get my money.  Follow me to the dunge—uh, basement.

Okay.

Sit down in that chair.

In that electric chair?

Don’t worry.  It’s not plugged in.

I’ll stand.

At least take a weight off and lean up against that rack.

Why does it have straps?

I’m a dentist.

I gotta go!

I’ll extract your wisdom teeth for free!

You’re crazy!

Wait! I’ll split my pizza with you 50/50?

No!

40/60?

No!

70/30?

Well . . . okay.

* * * 

Until next time  . . . I love you

Shenanigans From Around the World

Dear Readers! Here’s some shenanigans from around the world gleaned from various places around the Internet®algore.  These true news items have been either slightly altered, drastically changed or completely and utterly falsified to make it more fun.

It's a lion!  We're not lyin'!
What? No, that’s a lion alright.  Trust us.

The World’s Lamest Zoo

When the lion at the Henan Province Zoo in China was sent away to a breeding center, zoo keepers got a great idea!

They took a Tibetan Mastiff, owned by one of the workers, fluffed up his fur with massive amounts of hair gel — then blew it dry with China’s only un-exported, hand-held hairdryer.

All that was left to do was  slap a sign on its cage that said “Africa Lion” and open the zoo up for business as usual.

As luck would have it, shortly thereafter, a conscientious mother of one visited the zoo with her son for the express purpose of teaching him what sounds animals make.

When the lion started barking, the mother was almost as outraged as the little boy was confused.  When the mother complained, the zoo keepers said they had to pass the dog off as an African Lion for “safety concerns.”

Either way, they will all be executed at dawn.

green bunny
Move over, Kermit!

Glow in the Dark Bunnies

Bored with pulling the wings off flies and tying tin cans to the tails of cats, a group of scientists led by Dr. Stefan ‘Lenny’ Moisyadi, a biogenesis researcher based in Turkey, decided to clone a colony of rabbits that glow bright green in the dark.

“And on top of it, their fur is beginning to grow and the greenness is shining right there in the fur, it’s so intense!” Moisyadi is actually quoted as saying.

By making rabbits that glow green in the dark, Dr. Moisyadi is attempting to advance medical research to develop treatments for life-threatening illnesses such as Shimmering Measles, Tuber-I-see-you-culosis and Kermit the Frog’s Disease.

Dr. Moisyadi stressed that the rabbits are not affected by the fluorescent protein and will have the same life span as other rabbits.

“Being fluorescent at night, during prime hunting hours, has nothing whatsoever to do with the length of their lifespan,” Dr. Moisyadi didn’t go on to say as he was too busy pinching puppies.

Raisin their voices to priase God.
Raisin their voices for praisin’ the Lord!

Is that you God? It’s me, Fresno

People in the town of Fresno, California have started to gather around a Crepe Myrtle tree after sharp-eyed parishioner, Maria Ybarra, first reported drops of liquid falling from it and naturally assumed it to be God manifesting himself in Fresno.  As news of this miracle spread, many people began gathering around the tree to pray.

Fresno arborist, Jon ‘Get Real’ Reelhorn, however, believes the explanation for the drops falling from the tree is tree lice excrement.

A rabbi, a priest and a minister have been called in to determine if God is manifesting himself in Fresno in the Crepe Myrtle tree in the form of tree lice excrement.

Oh Golly Jeepers! This dumb thing . . . what did I do wrong now?"
Oh Golly Jeepers! This dumb thing . . . what did I do wrong now?”

Texting and Driving While Asleep

Concerned friends of a New Zealand woman notified the authorities when the woman kept turning up at their houses, sound asleep, after having driven hundreds of miles to their homes — all the while sending them incoherent text messages along the way.

“While her being found safe and well is a relief for everyone involved, the potential for tragedy was huge.” Senior Sergeant Dave Litton said.

Police are looking into whether the woman was really asleep by trying to determine if the incoherent text messages were due to slumber —  or if they were simply the result of her being an over-age-55 texter.  They don’t expect the case to be solved any time soon.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, Shenanigans from Around the
World!

Until next time . . . I love you