“Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories
Every week, Gregory goes to Sunday school. Every week his imagination runs wild during the lessons, and every week he comes home with his own version of the story.
Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this week shall we?
The Apostle Pizza Party
After Easter, Jesus appeared to his disciples 40 times. Nobody knows whether Jesus came to visit them once a day for 40 days, or once every other day for 80 days or twice a day for 20 days.
Biblical Scholars have tried to work it out mathematically, but have never been able to come up with the right answer which explains why they majored in theology in college and not math.
Cloudy with a 100% Chance of Ascension
The very last time Jesus came to visit the apostles, one of them asked Jesus if he would be giving back the Kingdom to Israel, and when Jesus answered that that decision was up to His Dad, the apostles must have look disappointed because Jesus quickly added:
“But when the Holy Spirit comes upon you, you will be filled with power and you will be witnesses for me in Jerusalem, in all of Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”
This cheered the apostles up considerably because not only were they looking forward to the holy spirit coming upon them; it also meant they were going to have jobs that included travel.
After telling the apostles this, Jesus was taken up to heaven while the apostles watched Him even though a cloud was hiding Jesus from their sight.
Biblical scholars are uncertain as to whether this cloud was intentional or if it was just the most ill-timed rain cloud in the history of mankind.
While the apostles were trying to get a glimpse of Jesus through the cloud, two men dressed in white suddenly appeared beside them and asked:
“Galileans, why are you standing here looking up at the sky? This Jesus, who was taken from you into heaven, will come back in the same way that you saw him go to heaven.”
If the Apostles responded by saying — “Why would that make us not want to watch while Jesus ascends to heaven?” the bible isn’t letting us in on it.
The Apostles Go Back to Their Room
After that, the Apostles went back to Jerusalem from the Mount of Olives which the bible is sure to mention was only about a half a mile away from Jerusalem — even though the bible doesn’t say why the Mount of Olives was called the Mount of Olives in the first place. (Some scholars believe that it was because the mountain was made entirely of olives while other scholars can’t stand the taste of olives.)
Once they got back to Jerusalem, the apostles went up to the room where they were staying and all the apostles were there except for guess who? Judas and the guy who was suppose to deliver the fig pizza.
Judas’s Untimely Demise
Everybody knew why Judas wasn’t there. After betraying Jesus, Judas had gained an enormous amount of weight and eventually went into a field and died from choking on a ham sandwich after which he burst open and all his insides spilled out — grossing out everyone and their goat — even including the lepers who were totally used to being grossed out.
Anyway, after praying about who should replace Judas, two clear choices emerged: Justus and Matthias. After praying some more, choosing lots, rolling dice and using the Roman Applause Meter (hand cranked), it was determined that Matthias won by a clap.
Right about then the fig pizza guy finally showed up. Everybody felt bad for the loser, Justus, so they let him help himself to the pizza first.
And thus Justus was served.
And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory. Please stop by next week to see what Gregory learns in Sunday school.
Until next time . . . I love you