Slightly-Creepy-Seventies Jello

Welcome Dear Readers!  Let’s see what we can learn about the Slightly-Creepy Seventies through the pages of this 1972  Slightly-Creepy Seventies Jello recipe book:

Here it is! 99 cents worth of slightly-creepy seventies Jello recipes!Here it is! 99 cents worth of Slightly-Creepy Seventies Jello recipes!

Yes there’s always room for Jello, but only if it matches something:

Linda Vernon Humor Slightly Creepy Seventies Jello“No, it won’t taste very good , Little Joshie, because it’s Jello.  But I will get it to match the wallpaper. I must!”

Here’s a slightly creepy-seventies woman who was clearly the Martha Stewart Forerunner of the Slightly-Creepy Seventies.   Notice how the Jello she is preparing with her little pretend son, exactly matches the wallpaper in the background.

The real Martha Stewart was probably hiding in the closet with her Jello butcher knife (from a Jello mold she made herself) and, right after this picture was taken, bound and gagged the Slightly-Creepy-Seventies Martha Stewart Forerunner and locked her in the closet.

I bet if we were to look in that closet today, we’d find Slightly-Creepy- Seventies Martha Stewart Forerunner still in the closet, mummified sure, but still there nevertheless.

 

Ding Dong! It’s Slightly-Creepy Seventies  Party Time!

Slighly Creepy Seventies Jello, Linda Vernon Humor“We were asked to bring dessert so naturally, since this is the Slightly-Creepy Seventies, we brought Jello!”

I’m sure it will come as no surprise to you, Dear Readers, that in the Slightly-Creepy Seventies, this is the kind of people who showed up on your doorstep to party.

And, it will also come as no surprise to you that if you asked someone to bring “The Dessert” in the Slightly-Creepy Seventies,  it meant that instead of bringing a decadent, seven-layer Bavarian Chocolate Cake, they would bring, instead,  a big ol’  bowl of Jello!

You’ve got to give this lady kudos, however, for rummaging around long enough to find something she could  add to her Jello dessert to ensure that it would match her outfit.

So what if she had to add a little of her husband’s black shoe polish?  Who cares?  Nobody’s going to eat any of it anyway because even if it is the Slightly Creepy Seventies, it’s still Jello.

It’s quarter to 3 and no one’s in the place except you and me and Jello.  Oh and her — whoever she is.

Slightly Creepy Seventies Jello Linda Vernon HumorThe same Sightly-Creepy Seventies party later that night.

As you can see,  even though the lady who brought the Jello has ditched her husband to flirt with a ski instructor (who just happened to bring his skis to the party), the hostess has turned down the lighting so no one will notice that her dress only matches one plate and zero Jello desserts.

Don’t worry, even though she’s probably planning to chug that bottle of wine she’s holding, she’s only a tad bit suicidal.  But then again who wasn’t in the Slightly-Creepy Seventies?  

Slightly Creepy Seventies Hip Intellectuals gathered to eat Jello!

slightly creepy seventies Jello, Linda vernon humorHere’s a group of Slightly-Creepy-Seventies intellectuals discussing Slightly-Creepy-Seventies issues such as atomized individualism, the Viet Nam war, and the efficacy of determining one’s emotional age by counting the rings on their platform shoes.

As you can see, this party is a big hit because the hostess has wisely chosen an outfit that not only mimics the art of the successful Jello “layering” but also picks up all the colors in the Jello Buffet.

The woman sitting next to the open window, however, rather than being pleased with herself,  is contemplating plunging to her death because no one is eating the Jello dessert she made.

The very same Jello dessert she  thought was so socially relevant when she took it out of the refrigerator — but now sees clearly that no one understood her nod to existentialism through disorientation and confusion in the face of the meaningless jiggling and wiggling.

Oh, and pay no attention to the lady sitting on the couch crocheting. She’s an escapee from this 1984 crocheting post.  She’s obviously running from post to post trying to escape the madness of the past.  And who can blame her really?

And there you have it, Dear Reader!  I hope you were able to learn something about Jello’s influence on the decade of the  Slightly Creepy Seventies and if you didn’t, all I can say is neither did I.

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Lesson: When The Ark Disembarked

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about Noah’s Ark  and couldn’t help imagining what it must have been like stepping out on dry land after being stuck on the ark for so long.

 LInda Vernon humoous bible storiesWhen The Ark Disembarked

 

When Noah and his wife and his three sons, Shem, Ham and Japheth and their wives and two of every animal on earth had been stuck on the ark together so long  no amount of Febreeze could have helped, Ham looked out the window and saw that all the water was gone, and the ark was  high-centered on Mount Ararat.

"Oy!"
“Oy!”

The date was January 1, قبل يسوع– wouldn’t you know!  The one day everybody was hung over.

Noah looked outside and saw that even though the sun was so bright it was giving him an even worse headache, the land was still pretty muddy so he made everybody stay inside the ark until the mud was complete gone on February 27, قبل يسوع   because no one had remembered to bring their galoshes.

When Noah was 601 years old. God told Noah  to go ahead and let everybody out of the ark so that they could get started on reproducing and populating the earth again.

Noah decided to keep it to himself that the male and female rats already had 473 kids. Why let the cat (both  male and female) out of the bag?  Noah figured it would just put God in another one of His Destroy-Every-Living-Thing funks.

So to keep God in a good mood, the first thing Noah did when he got outside was build an altar to the Lord using an old boot, some broken pottery and other debris he found on the ground from the Destroying-Every- Living-Thing rubble that was strewn up one side of Mt. Ararat and down the other.

Noah gathered one of each kind of ritually-cleaned animal and bird and burned them whole as a sacrifice to the altar.  Then he took out a bottle of  Noah’s Judgment Day Barbecue Sauce, he managed to smuggle in his robe — and poured it over the top.

The odor of the sacrifice made the Lord’s almighty mouth water!  Then the Lord said to himself (apparently out loud while only the bible was listening): 

“Never again will  I put the earth under a curse because of what man does; I know that from the time he is young his thoughts are evil. Never again will I destroy all living beings as I have done this time  . . . as long as the world exists there will be a time for . . .  etc . . .  etc . . . ” (right about here is where the bible quit listening).

Then God gave Noah a Thumbs Up/Thumbs Down list  for mankind’s behavior since nobody remembered to pack the Ten Commandments.

God’s Thumbs Up/Thumbs Down List for Post-Flood Mankind’s Behavior

Thumbs up to having all the children you can possibly stand! 🙂

Thumbs up to man being the boss of animals! 🙂

Thumbs up to  All You Can Eat Meat and Green Plant buffets. 🙂

Thumbs down to eating meat that still has blood in it. 😦

Thumbs down to killing anybody or everybody like God just did. 😦

Then God promised not to destroy the earth with a flood ever ever again. He didn’t come right out and say He was sorry, but everyone suspected it.

God went on to promise  that  every time a rainbow appeared in the sky, it would mean that God was keeping his promise to never wipe out mankind ever again with a flood so help Him Him.

Noah and the Rainbow

The bible tells us that Noah, Shem, Ham and Japheth were the ancestors of all the people on earth.  Of course, the bible probably would have listed their wives as ancestors too — but they were girls.

After that, everything was going swell in a hand basket for our little group of mankind, that is until Noah had to go and get the bright idea to plant a vineyard . . . and you don’t even want to know what happened next — but Gregory is going to tell you anyway — so check back next week, Dear Readers!

Noah's animals

Until next time . . . I love you

Superman’s Other Weaknesses


FasSuperman's Other Weaknessest(er than a speeding bullet) Women

Mister Mxyzptlk’s killer Margaritas

Buzzing  high school girls at soccer practice

Metropolis Historic Home Tours

Jimmy Olsen’s rendition of Honey I Miss You

Crack Cocaine

X-ray-eying Scratchers

Jenga tournaments

Things that purr

1000-count Egyptian cotton leotards

Vintage phone booth hunting

Lois Lane’s Key Lime Pie

 

Until next time . . . I love you

The Edible Horror of 1959

Hello Dear Readers! 

Today we are going to put away our mirth, store our humor in the overhead storage compartment and put a lid on our collective jar of Hardy Har Hars — so that we may take a serious look at a trend from 1959 that is so disturbing, so bizarre, so downright twisted that, frankly,  we really don’t even want you to read the rest of the post . . . okay fine go ahead and read it . . . but you’ve been warned!

 

The Edible Horror of 1959

As you can see, this 1959 cook book is trying to pass itself off as an innocent Metropolitan Cook Book featuring foods that are not only delicious and nutritious, but also, foods that appear to have a wonderful outlook on life, a cheerful disposition and an enviable outgoing vivaciousness that would light up a room!

 

Looks innocent?  Look again!

But even though things seem innocuous enough on the surface what these pictures are actually depicting is the sick, brain-washed, utopian edible world of 1959 wherein innocent foods have been programmed into wanting to be eaten.

 

As evidence, let us take a look at this unsettling illustration:

Here we have meat that has been obviously drugged so that it can be paraded before the eyes of carnivores — by its very own offspring as they wave parsley in an attempt to draw attention to their very own parent’s deliciousness!  What in heaven’s name was going on in 1959?

 

And in another equally unsettling illustration we see this:

Here carrots, radishes and onions are happily waiting in line to be dipped into a boiling caldron of soup!  Notice the mindless smiles and the blank affectations in the eyes of indoctrinated vegetables as they so willingly and cheerfully give their lives to this 1959 Orwellian soup du jour!  Oh the vegumanity!

 

And it just keeps getting worse:

Here we have an apple throwing a pie in its OWN face in some sort of sick prelude to the eating of said pie.  Thank the good lord, cruel practices such as this do not go on in the present day.

And finally we must insist that all children be out of the room before scrolling down to this final example of 1959 edible horror:

Family cannibalism!

Here we see a strawberry about to take a big bite of sorbet made out of Sister Stawberry!  We witness Pear munching delightedly on Brother Pear Pudding and Apple enjoying applesauce made entirely of Mother and Father Apple!

These are images that will forever sully the once pristine synapses of our heretofore innocent brains.  I’m sorry Dear Readers to have to do this to you!  But you were warned!

If it’s any consolation

Until next time . . . I love you

Life on the Ark

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about Noah’s Ark  and couldn’t help imagining what it must have been like living on the Ark while waiting for the flood to subside.

 LInda Vernon humoous bible storiesLife on the Ark 

Noah:  Honey!  Come on!  You’re not still packing are you?  We’ve got to get going! The floodgates of the sky are opening!

Noah’s Wife, Betty:   I can’t get my bath robe to fit into this stupid suitcase!

Noah:  Here let me do it.

Betty:   Oh no you don’t!  You’ll  wrinkle  everything!

Noah:  Honey! I just packed two of every kind of animal into one measly ark.  I think I can pack a suitcase.

Betty:   Do you think we’ll have room for the trampoline?  I’d like to stay in shape, God only knows  how long we’ll be stuck on the ark.

Noah:  Sure you can bring the tambourine.  You know how much I love to sing.

Betty:   Not the tambourine, Noah, the trampoline.

Noah:  We have a trampoline?

Betty:  What’s the matter Noah?  You look upset.

Noah:  It’s God.  I just got all the animals packed in the Ark so they fit  nicely and now God has added seven pairs of each kind of ritually clean animal and seven pairs of each kind of bird to the list.

Betty:  You mean he didn’t mention it before now?

Noah:  Nope.

Betty:  Well maybe you could just hose off some of the ones you already have.

Noah:  Either way, I’m afraid there won’t be room for any trampolines this trip, honey.

After Noah had  finally figured out a way to pack everything into the ark, the  Lord shooed all the animals away from the  door and slammed  it shut.  (Part of a zebra’s tail was still sticking out but the Lord just ignored it since there was no way he was ever going to get that door shut again.)  Then the Lord gave the ark an almighty heave-ho and off they went!

Day 10 on the ark:

Ham:  Dad can’t we open a window or something?  The smell in here is gross!

Noah:  What’s that?  I thought I saw your lips moving, son, but I can’t hear you over all the squawking,  and the mooing and the bleating.

Betty:   I can’t stand all this sitting!  I just know I’m putting on weight.  What I wouldn’t give for that trampoline right now.

Noah:  What honey?  Did you say something about a  tambourine?

Shem:  I’m hungry! Hey I know! What’s say we  barbecue one of the animals!

Japheth:  Are we there yet?

Day 50 on the ark:

Everybody in unison Ninety- nine  potter vessels of  wine on the ark, 99 pottery vessels of wine, take one down and pass it around 98 pottery vessels of  wine on the ark . . .

Day 100 on the ark:

Shem:  Hey guess what everybody?   We have officially risen 25 feet above the tops of the mountains!

Ham:  How do you know that?

Shem:  I measured it with this 25-foot flood dipstick Dad let me bring.

Betty:   Noah!  How come you let  Shem bring a 25-foot water dipstick, but you wouldn’t let me bring one  lousy little trampoline?

Noah:  What’s that Betty?   I can’t hear you over all the snorting and the squealing and the bow-wowing.

Japheth:  Are we there yet?

Day 130 on the ark:

Shem:  Hey Dad a raven and a dove just got out and the raven didn’t come back but the dove did, and it had  an olive branch in its beak!

Noah:  You know what, Shem,  at this point Daddy doesn’t really give a rat’s behind.

Ham:  Ha ha!   Funny you should say that,  Dad, because there are several rats behind you right now!

Noah:  Hm . . . apparently some of us have been going forth and multiplying  early.

Day 150 on the ark:

Noah:  Ninety nine pottery vessels of—

Ham:   Hey Dad!  Last time I looked outside there wasn’t any water anywhere, just dry land as far as the eye could see.

Noah:  What?  When was this?

Ham:  About three months ago give or take.

Noah:  What?  Why didn’t you tell me?

Ham: I know how much you hate getting interrupted when you sing.

And a hardy laugh was had by all.

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  How Gregory imagines  life on the ark during the Great Flood.  Be sure and check back next week for the further adventures of Noah and the gang.

Until next time . . . I love you

Noah and Betty

Unloading the Ark

Noah makes some arks

 

A Mini-Bedtime Story for Grown-up Children

One Day at the Eiffel Tower

 

Mademoiselle Bouillabaisse-Bourgeois crossed the lobby of the Eiffel Tower and all eyes drank of her beauty like they were drinking a tumbler of Chardonnay after eating a dry, 16-inch baguette.

But no eyes drank more than Benny Flump’s.  Benny’s eyes were bigger than his stomach when it came to beautiful French women, and Benny thought Mademoiselle Bouillabaisse-Bourgeois the most beautiful creature he had ever mispronounced.

They would marry!

At the top of the Eiffel Tower she said, “I do.”  Benny replied “adieu” and then jumped.

Benny Flump’s linguistic skills left a lot to be desired which I guess I should have said in the first place.

The End

leaping from Eiffel Tower

1957 Fun with Radioactive Ketschup

Dear Readers!  I went to the  Thrift Store yesterday.  I was lucky enough to find this Heinz Ketchup cookbook from 1957!

You see, back in 1957, before life was unnecessarily complicated with Twitter, Facebook and the radio alarm clock, people would stay home and cook dishes that required a lot of Heinz Ketchup.

Let’s take a peek at some of these 1957 Heinz Ketchup prize winning recipes and see if we can get a glimpse into the food lives of people from the past:

It’s Red Magic! Hey wait a minute! In 1957, during the height of the cold war against communism, it seems a little odd that Heinz Ketchup would bill their product by saying “It’s Red Magic.”

And the fact that Mother seems to be flirting with a gigantic tomato man wearing a manacle isn’t helping Heinz Ketchup’s credibility either . . .  oh well let’s just keep moving.

Okay, here we have Mother cooking with what looks like a radio-active bottle of Heinz Ketchup. But there’s probably a simple explanation.

Mother’s husband, Father, is probably a Nuclear Physicist who sometimes brings home radioactive isotopes from the office to put in the Ketchup bottle to freak Mother out!  That Father! Always with the pranks!  (Too bad Mother didn’t even notice!)

The only explanation for what Mother is doing here is that Father told Mother to take a long walk on a short pier.

Ha! That Father!  He’s always doing silly stuff like that to Mother. Of course,while Mother was taking a long walk of a  short pier, she decided it might be fun to try a little fishing.  But what to use for bait?  Hm . . .

Of course, as you can see while Mother was trying to decide what to do next, the radioactive isotope Heinz Ketchup bottle fused permanently to Mother’s hand.  Father. Could. Not. Stop. Laughing.

Here are Mother and Father’s children, Boy and Girl. They are eating minced ham and bean sandwiches that Father made for them.

Oh that wacky Father!  He made both Boy and Girl these Ketchup bean sandwiches and is now hiding behind the Admiral Frigidaire spying on them as they try to eat their radioactive isotope Ketchup bean sandwiches.

Right about now Father is probably thinking about how he should see if Milton Berle needs any more comedy writers!

Hey who’s this? Why it’s New Mother, of course. Old Mother had a drowning accident when she was unable to paddle to safety after falling off a short pier due to the Ketchup bottle being fused to her hand.

But that’s okay because Father found and married New Mother later that day!  And New Mother has just cooked Father a tasty dish of  Green Beans with Ketchup!

Little does New Mother know that Father has just stuck two radioactive isotopes into the casserole dish she’s holding and Father can’t wait to see the look on New Mother’s face when she tries to set the dish down but finds that it’s fused to her hands!

Unfortunately Father didn’t get to see the look on New Mother’s face because just then the phone rang and Father ran to answer it because  — who knows — it might have been that all important call from Uncle Milty!

“I need a new comedy writer. Find out if Father’s available.”

And there you have it, Dear Readers, a glimpse into the food lives of people from the past.

Until next time . . . I love you