The Scenario: Shuffle to computer holding toast and jam. Promptly drop toast and jam — jam side down — onto computer keyboard.
Now most people would label this as the beginning of a very bad day — a Jam Side Down Day, if you will. But for me, it’s simply part of my normal, everyday, existence.
That’s because I suffer from a syndrome called Jam-Side-Down Syndrome or JSDS. You’ve probably never heard of it before due to the fact that I just now made it up.
- Jam in happier times.
Now, even though I just this very moment made up Jam Side Down Syndrome, not to worry, Dear readers, I’m sure there will be a pill for it coming out on the market any minute now. (Remember to ask your doctor about it.)
- Extremely rare photo of Jam Side Up. Experts cannot agree as to its authenticity.
And I bet this new miracle drug will probably be no more addictive than your average heroin cigarette and with a risk of side-effects no more dangerous than, say, marrying Henry the VIII.
So no big whoop all the way around! Wouldn’t you agree?
Now it seems the only thing left for me to do is think up a quiz that would indicate whether or not a person might be suffering from JSDS. Well, that’s smple!
Do You Suffer from Jam Side Down Syndrome? The Quiz!
1) How many articles of clothing are hanging in your closet this very minute that have jam stains on them?
a) one
b) two
c) 17 perhaps?
2) How many times did you slip on some jam and fall down the stairs this morning?
a) one
b) two
c) 17 perhaps?
If a tree fell in the forest do you think it would land jam side down?
a) yes
b) no
c) 17 perhaps?
Suppose you were skydiving while eating toast and jam and your parachute failed to open. What odds would you give yourself of landing Jam Side Down?
A) 7 out of 23
B) 132 out of 6
C) 17 perhaps?
Suppose you were walking through a beautiful garden and were hit on the head by an asteroid with jam on it that was hurling to earth at a tremendous speed. Would the undertaker have to charge extra for washing jam out of your hair?
A) yes
B) No
C) 17 perhaps?
So there you have it, Dear Reader. If you answered yes, no, or 17 perhaps? to any of the above questions, you are most definitely suffering from Jam Side Down Syndrome BIG TIME!
Quickly!! Put down that toast and jam and call your local pharmaceutical company immediately. . . there’s not a minute to lose . . .oh . . and please, please try not to get jam all over the phone!
Until next time . . . I love you
Linda Vernon Humor 
Don’t you call it jelly?
Jam is correct of course, my cat is still walking around with a slice of toast and jam on her back. She will get in the way of falling snacks hoping for a morsel.
Well I only call it jelly when it’s peanut butter and jelly sandwiches but I still make them with jam.only use jam for those. And there’s something so lovable about a kitty with toast and jam on her back.
It looks like she is wearing a saddle
WHAT happened here? Was it time for a renovation? I LOVE the “If a tree falls in the forest do you think it lands jam side down?” question.
My favourite: If bread always lands jam side down, and a cat always lands on its feet, what happens if you strap a piece of bread jam side up to a cat’s back and drop it?
Not sure, but if you videotape and post it, you win the internet.
Does winning the internet include Al Gore?
I believe he gives you the prize.
And a bag of funyons.
All that and a bag of Funyuns! I’m so glad Al invented the internet!
Helena! You are boggling my mind with that question!! And there’s nothing I love more than a good mind boggling!
This is why I like to slice my bread very carefully lengthwise, so my jam side is always middle.
If you are not an engineer, you missed your calling.
One, I don’t suffer from it because I don’t like or eat jam. Two, I’m surprised you typed this blog post rather than licking off your computer keyboard…
Hahaha! Now why didn’t I think of that. Unfortunately, the jam has dried to my keyboard now. So if I’m making more typos than usual, blame it on the jam. You don’t like jam?
You so missed out on keyboard flavoured jam!! lol
Nope don’t like jam
I did! I never heard of anybody not liking jam before, but yet I can very easily imagine not liking it. If that makes any sense . . .
Yes it does Hiccup understands Peanut!
Yes, great minds think alike. Oh I better not say that. We wouldn’t want them to get big heads!
No we wouldn’t!
You do realize you should be certified – in a nice way of course. Fetishes yesterday; syndromes today whatever next – and you a staunch reader of The Daily Mail!
Oh what a nice compliment Mike. Thank you so much! 😀
That second photo is preposterous. Who puts that much jam on their bread?! And that looks suspiciously like jelly to me. Not jam. Yes, there’s a difference.
I think I might have some mariana sauce on a few shirts but they are definitely jam-free.
*mariana*
What a galoot. MARINARA. I blame spell check.
Oh how I love the word galoot. I haven’t heard that one for a long time!! I blame spell check for everything across the board!
That is too much jam (jelly) on that bread! Nothing get’s by your eagle eye. I can see that! That Mariana Trench sauce is a real bear to get off. Thank god you don’t have to worry about jam stains too!
I am totally cravin jam … 🙂
Articles of clothing: all of them. I have three young kids. Jam is on everything.
Stairs: they’re too full of jam to use anymore. Kids again.
Skydiving: too drunk to answer.
Garden: made me laugh too much to answer appropriately.
Ahaha! Ah I remember those days of Jam and Roses! (Sans roses)!
My floor is covered in jam so when I drop my toast it just jams itself 😀
Aha! Now that is a time save Dianne! You are a smart girl! 😀
I’m often amazed by the products that the pharmaceutical companies push. For instance, agitated leg disorder, or some such title. Which I actually had for a while. One’s legs become very sensitive to touch and jerk about a bit. Solution: take a pill. Possible side effects, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, heart attack, stroke, insomnia, insanity, and convulsions.
Haha! Oh so sorry to hear about your agitated leg syndrome, Donald. That would drive me mad. I’m so glad you don’t have it anymore. I do remember one of the pharmaceutical companies advertising a drug for yellow toenails and one of the side effects was death. I wonder how they come up with these things?
Good grief. Death!? Yikes.
By the way, I had a dream about Gregory learning something about prayer. But now I con’t remember it. 😦
BUT, while trying to remember it, I did just now come up with another idea that you might possibly be able to use.
Gregory’s parents get an eviction notice in the mail–for the house they have finally fully purchased, in full after twenty-five years of hard work.
Gregory, of course, is behind the scheme, and he explains to them the concept of Manifest Destiny.
Oh I wish you could remember what Gregory learned about prayer in your dream! I always forget my dreams if I don’t write them down before my eyes are even open. Of course, then I can never read my writing as I don’t write very well with my eyes closed so the whole idea of writing down my dreams is probably futile. Sigh . . .
And Gregory’s parents getting an eviction notice so that Gregory can explain the concept of Manifest Destiny . . . LOL!! Now that’s a challenging plot line with all kinds of delicious possibilities!
Of course Gregory himself would be behind the “eviction scheme.” But, yes. I figured it would probably be too complicated. Good for a laugh between you and me, though.
Remember the Seinfeld episode where Jerry wrote the joke he had in his dream down? Turned out once he was finally able to decipher his note, it wasn’t funny at all. 🙂
I can’t believe I’ve never seen that Seinfeld episode. I thought I’d seen them all so many times! That sounds hilarious! I’ll have to find it and watch it!
Have you ever woke yourself up laughing? And then when you realize what you were laughing about it’s even funnier. I love when that happens!.
I’ve woken up laughing once or twice before, but never remembered what I was dreaming about, except vaguely.
Waking up laughing — wouldn’t it be nice if we always woke up laughing — even if we didn’t know what we were laughing about . . .