Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about the day Ezekiel had an unusual experience. Let’s listen in as he recounts the story for us.
Ezekiel’s Weight Problem
One day the prophet Ezekiel was relaxing down by the Chebar river in Babylonia where he was hanging out with some of his exiled Jewish buddies enjoying some Chebar cheese when, suddenly, there was a tremendous rumble.
At first he thought it was just his stomach rumbling from eating too much Chebar cheese, but he soon realized the noise was coming from the sky.
He looked up and was amazed to see a UFBO (unidentified flying biblical object).
He fell face down and heard a voice calling him.
God: Mortal Man stand up I want to talk to you.
Ezekiel: Do I have to get up? I’m really comfortable right now.
God: I am sending you to the people of Israel.
Ezekiel: May I ask why?
God: They have rebelled against me and turned against me and are still rebels just as their ancestors were. So I am sending you to tell them what I, the sovereign lord, am saying to them.
Ezekiel: Wouldn’t it be easier to just fly over there in your UFBO and tell them Yourself?
God: They are stubborn and do not respect me so I am sending you instead.
Ezekiel: Okay let me get this straight. You, the sovereign lord, who is flying around the holy land in Your UFBO can’t get the Israelites to listen to you or respect you so you’re sending me instead, a guy who is currently unemployed, slightly overweight and living down by the river? Do you really think I’m up to the job?
God: Just tell the people of Israel whatever I tell you to tell them. But don’t be afraid of them even though they will despise you and even though it will feel like you are living among scorpions.
Ezekiel: Well okay, but scorpions are my least favorite insect.
God: Scorpions really? That’s refreshing. Most people say spiders. Anyway, open your mouth and eat this.
Ezekiel: What is it?
God: A scroll upon which cries of grief, wails and moans are written on both sides.
Ezekiel: No thanks I’m allergic to papyrus.
God: It’s chocolate covered . . . .
Ezekiel: Oh in that case, don’t mind if I do!
Ezekiel ate the scroll. (It gave him hives but God pretended not to notice.) Then God’s spirit lifted Ezekiel and carried him to another spot by the Chebar River where Ezekiel resumed eating Chebar cheese and hanging out with different group of his exiled Jewish buddies.
Seven days later God showed up again
God: Okay, here’s the deal. If I announce that an evil man is going to die, it’s going to be your job to warn him. If you don’t warn him to change his ways and he dies a sinner, I will hold you responsible for his death but if you do warn him and he doesn’t stop sinning he’ll die a sinner but your life will be spared. Got that?
Ezekiel: Uh . . .well . . . uh . . .
God: Now get up and go into the valley and I will talk to you there.
Ezekiel: But I just got comfortable.
God: . . . ahem . . .
Ezekiel : Okay okay but can I at least bring my Chebar cheese with?
God: If you must.
Ezekiel: Say you wouldn’t happen to have anymore of those delicious chocolate-covered scrolls would you?
God: Yes but you can’t have any.
God: They’re too fattening.
Ezekiel: What are you implying? I’ve been eating too much Chebar Cheese?
God: All I can say is that last statement of yours needs no question mark.
Eziekiel: Well! I’ve never been so insulted in my whole life!
God: That robe of yours is getting awfully tight . . . just sayin’. So anyway, next I’m going to want you to go home and shut yourself up in the house and I’ll tie you up with ropes so you won’t be able to go out in public then I’m going to paralyze your tongue.
Eziekiel: Wait . . . is this some sort of new-fangled diet?
God: I’ll tell you next week in Part II.
And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School. Please check back next week to find out what God asks of Ezekiel next and whether or not Ezekiel will lose weight and overcome his papyrus allergy.
Until next time . . . I love you
4 thoughts on “Ezekiel’s Weight Problem”
I’ve heard of crash diets, but being tied up and having your tongue paralyzed takes it to a whole new level. On the bright side, he could write a book about it, do a few infomercial TV ads, and become an overnight sensation.
That’s what I love about you, Russell! You have a way of finding a positive spin! LOL!
You’d think this “God” character (what a boring name!) would speak with some punctuation. Maybe verbalize a few more commas and a few less ands.
I mean if he created grammar, you’d think he’d know how to use it. Lazy bum.
I’ll be right back to finish this comment – I think I hear a lightening storm comi—BZZT!!!
Oh that God . . .he’s always zapping my favorite people!!