Current Events Coloring Pages

Dear Readers, I think you’ll agree when I say that this world doesn’t need more current events.  What this world needs is more current events coloring pages.  To that end, this blog has taken it upon itself to provide coloring pages for some of today’s true news stories.

 

While we humans today enjoy sinking our teeth into a MacDonald’s Big Mac apparently some of our ancestors ate nothing but grass.

After examining the teeth of the ape-like 2.5 million-year-old East African Hominids, researchers from the University of Barcelona and the George Washington University in Washington, D.C. have concluded that they ate mostly grass.

THE EAST AFRICAN HOMINIDS WHO ATE MOSTLY GRASS COLORING PAGE

 

East African Hominids

A new study found bees can do arithmetic. After watching bees do stuff ad nauseum, Professor Adrian Dyer found that symbols representing simple math problems were presented to bees tasked with picking the tunnel that was marked with the correct answer.  Incredibly the bees were able to get the answer right 75% of the time!

Bees Capable of Mastering Basic Math Skills Coloring Page

 

 

 

When Emily Edwards was a little girl vacationing in Wales, she stuck a message in the bottle and launched it out to sea.  Imagine her surprise when it washed up 17 years later!

Message in Bottle Thrown in Sea Found 17 Years Later Coloring Page

 

 

And that concludes the current affairs coloring pages fort day Dear Readers!  Happy Coloring!

A Visit from The Math Lady!

Hello Dear Readers!  After much  coaxing, congealing, and coagulating I am happy to report that I have finally managed to talk  The Math Lady into stopping by for a visit.

The Math Lady

She has agreed to help us sharpen our math skills by presenting us with a few story problems.  The Math Lady would like us to pick up our pencils now and answer the following problems to the best of our abilities:

Wendy, Jennifer and their friends Enrique, Adonis and Fred are going camping for a week in the Grand Canyon. Enrique is bringing along his pet pig, Howard because Enrique doesn’t care much for Wendy, Jennifer or Adonis.   Adonis is bringing his goat, Peppy, and his chicken, Victoria.  Peppy and Victoria are best friends with Fred, Adonis, and Wendy, but Jennifer and Howard think they are annoying. (By the way has anybody seen Enrique?)  Fred is bringing his duck, George, who isn’t anybody’s best friend due to a rough childhood.  How many friends are going camping for a week in the Grand Canyon?

A)  Chocolate Pudding

B) One million trillion billion

C) Yes

D) Hey wait!  Has anybody seen Enrique?

Wendy, Jennifer and their friends with benefits Adonis and Fred have been camping for a week in the Grand Canyon.  Last night while they were all sitting around the campfire, they saw Enrique who weighs 172 pounds fall into the Grand Canyon at a velocity of 150 mph.  The backpack he was wearing weighed 28 pounds before he drank the 17 cans of beer contained inside.  Each can weighs 13 ounces when full but only 1 ounce when empty. If the wind velocity was 17 mph, how long did it take Enrique to reach the bottom of the Grand Canyon?

A) Chocolate pudding

B) One billion trillion million

C) Yes

D) Hey wait!  Has anybody seen Enrique?

After their week in the Grand Canyon, Wendy and Jennifer are each pregnant with triplets.  Their doctor says they can only gain 40 pounds each.  If Jennifer and Wendy eat one pig named Howard, one goat named Peppy, one chicken named Victoria and one duck named George for a combined calorie intake of 150,328 calories.  How many pounds will Wendy and Jennifer weigh when they arrive at the delivery room at 3:52 p.m. Eastern Standard Time?

A) Chocolate pudding

B) One trillion billion million

C) Yes

D) Hey wait!  Has anybody seen Fred and Adonis?

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  The Math Lady sincerely hopes these story problems have been helpful to you mathematically.  Oh, and if you answered A, B C or D to any of the above, please stay after class as The Math Lady would like to have a word with you. Good luck with that.

Until Next time . . . I love you

The Day Jesus Made His Mom Proud

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every week Gregory goes to Sunday School and  every week he comes home and tells about what he learned.

This week Gregory learned about the first miracle that Jesus performed.

In biblical days, people were hard to get rid of.  If you invited people over for dinner (which in those days was called a feast) they would stay way too long and totally wear out their welcome.

One day Jesus and the disciples were invited to a wedding and Mary, his mother, was invited too.  (Either Joseph’s name wasn’t on the invitation or he couldn’t get the time off.)

Anyway, after the wedding everybody went over to the bridegroom’s house for some hardy feasting.  There was wine and food and music and fun and wine.

And just like today, if the wine runs out before the party is over, somebody has to do something about it.  That’s exactly what happened.

Just as Mary was going to refill her wine goblet, she overheard one of the servants  talking about how the guests were complete lushes who had drunk everything in the house including the water in the fish bowl.

“I will tell Jesus,” Mary assured the servants.

Mary wove her way through the revelers and found Jesus who was just about to belt out a rousing rendition of Amazing Grace on the Karaoke machine (hand cranked).

“They have no more wine.”  Mary announced unceremoniously.

To which Jesus replied, “Why are you telling me?” (Jesus tended to get a tiny bit sassy with his mom whenever she interrupted his Karaoke fun.)

Now Mary knew that Jesus would do something to help the people with their drinking problem (of not having anymore wine).   She ran back to the servants and said, “Whatever He tells you to do, do it.”

Once Jesus was finished singing (he was the original crooner, it was such a pity I left my heart in San Francisco hadn’t been invented yet), he looked around and saw six water pots and told the servants to fill all six jars with water which they did.

“Now,” Jesus said, “dip wine from the jar and carry it to the man who is in charge of the feast.”

Which they also did and by the time the man put the water to his lips, it had turned into the best wine the man had ever gotten drunk on!

So he called the bridegroom over and said,”Everyone else serves the best wine first, and after the guests have drunk a lot he serves the ordinary wine.  But you have kept the best wine until now.”

The man who was taking care of the feast did not know that Jesus had turned water into wine. The bridegroom did not know either.  The bridegroom just assumed that the servants had found the stash of expensive wine he had taken great pains to hide before everybody arrived.

But the servants knew and Mary knew that Jesus had performed his very first miracle.  Jesus had turned water into wine, not bum wine either, but really, really, really good wine. Mary couldn’t have been prouder!

“How’s that Jesus?”
“Keep pouring.”
“Is that enough?”
“No keep pouring!”
“Jesus! It’s going to overflow!”
“No, keep pouring, I know what I’m doing.”

 * * *

Until next time. . . I love you

Spill The Beans Saturday

Spill the Beans

 

Welcome, Dear Readers, to Spill the Beans Saturday where I confess personal things about myself that you may have suspected but you were much too polite to mention.

 

I’ve never tasted a peanut and jelly sandwich because I just intuitively know I’m not going to like it.

I think all professional sports would be vastly improved if they were all done on horseback.

I love steak, but for some reason looking at cows never makes me hungry.

I always order spaghetti with mizithra cheese whenever I go to the Spaghetti Factory but I always trip up trying to pronounce mizithra so now I just point to it on the menu like I don’t speak English.

I also can’t pronounce Quardotriticale but luckily it’s not on the Spaghetti Factory’s menu.

In the solar system, my favorite star is the sun, my favorite planet is earth and my favorite belt is the asteroid belt.

If I had a nickel for every quarter I ever had I’d have no idea how much money I’d have.  You wouldn’t happen to know would you?  (If so please don’t tell me, I’ll just feel bad.)

My favorite Spanish phrase is “Arroz con Pollo”followed closely by “mi tortilla es su tortilla.”

I would marry Norm McDonald very much.

When it comes to states that are completely surrounded by water, Hawaii is probably my favorite.

I really haven’t been that excited about space since they stopped calling it outer space.

I want to know what keeps really small hummingbirds from mating with great big dragon flies.

I’d definitely buy a bumpersticker that says “honk if you like to honk”

I think Trump should start his own line of cologne and call it:  Does it stink in here or is it just me?

 

And that concludes Spill the Beans Saturday.  Have a great day!

Bad Ideas for Kindergarten Show and Tell

Bad Ideas for Kindergarten Show and Tell

 

Ignited Crepe Suzette

 

Alien implants

 

Old stogies I have found

 

A signed copy of  Mein Kampf

 

The license plates daddy made

 

Any type of Hooch

 

Auntie Bev’s puppy jerky recipe

 

Grandpa’s Toupee

 

The Ark of the Covenant

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Linda’s Bedtime Stories for Grownup Children #138

 

Ted Flerk’s Autobiography

“As you know, children, we always observe National Rubber Spatula Day here at Connie’s Kindergarten Cuisine Academy and–” Miss Connie’s announcement was interrupted by a collective moan from the classroom.

And,” Miss Connie continued unfazed, “I therefore will be reading to you from Scraping By — the autobiography of Ted Flerk who you will remember is credited with inventing the rubber spatula.

Miss Connie calmly opened to page one and began reading in a clear, strong voice as several students rushed for the door that Miss Connie had had the presence of mind to bolt.

“The story of how it came to pass that fateful day in Mother’s kitchenette, when I, Ted Flerk, invented mankind’s most important baking utensil, the rubber spatula, is, I suppose, a tedious tale, or, more precisely, a thorough recounting, if you will, of—“

Suddenly a loud boom erupted from the back of the classroom. Miss Connie looked over the top of her reading glasses. Charles was out of his seat.

“If you’re thinking you’re going to bust down that door, Charles, you’ve got another thing coming.” Miss Connie said mildly. ” Now, put down that battering ram and return to your seat immediately!”  Miss Connie continued reading.

” . . . the events leading up to the day I thought of inventing the Rubber Spatula, including what happened while I was physically inventing the rubber spatula, itself,  in addition to a detailed accounting of my life up to that point– “

Suddenly there was a mighty crash and a tinkling of glass. Miss Connie calmly put her finger on her place in the book and looked up. Several girls were helping each other climb through the jagged glass of the broken classroom window. A line of students was quickly forming behind them. Miss Connie chose to ignore the interruption and continued reading.

” . . . and exactly how I, Ted Flerk, was able to scrape every type of bowl known to man leaving no detail undocumented. . . “

At 3:00 sharp, Miss Connie bookmarked her place in the book, turned out the lights of her now empty classroom and went home.

 

Inventor of the rubber spatula
Ted Flerk, inventor of the rubber spatula and the Author of Scraping By

 

A Poem to Make You Think

Begin at the beginning and end at the end

But then again supposin’ that road has a bend?

 

Then begin at the right and work your way left

Or come up the middle (if the road’s got a cleft)

 

Or begin at the end and work your way backwards

Or schlep up the shoulder all sloppy and slackwards

 

Or begin at the right and go in a square

Taking plenty of breaks to sit in the chairimg144

 

 

You took from that idiot right over there →

 

But whatever you do, avoid like the plague

A man with an eye patch who answers to Craig

 

And a lady named Bertha who’ll be eating a lime

(Expressly for reasons pertaining to rhyme)

 

Now take a deep breath and start on your journey

And if you get tired? Remember the gurney . . . 

 

That grandmother willed you (the one from Poughkeepsie)

That you pawned for some money to hire a gypsy

 

Who foretold of everything here you just read 

(Including the part where your Grandmother’s dead)grandma cartoon