Let’s Poke Fun at Album Covers

Welcome Dear Readers!  Today, let’s do something we haven’t done in a while.  Let’s poke fun at albums covers!  Let’s start with this one:

William Holden the World of Suzie Wong

William Holden was a major movie star in the 50’s and 60’s and possibly even the 70’s.   I’m not much of a researcher as I prefer to make up my own facts to save time, but anyway my point is — William Holden can’t paint!

Notice how that outfit Suzie is wearing isn’t anything like the one Bill is painting?  (You don’t mind if I call him, Bill, do you?)  Also, Bill doesn’t look very committed to the task.  I have a feeling he’s holding a bottle of vodka in that hand we can’t see.  Don’t you think so, Bill? (You don’t mind if I call you Bill do you?)

I don’t know how William Holden died, but a long time ago, I remember seeing a sign in someone’s bathroom that said “William Holden Slipped Here.”  So I have a feeling his death was rather untoward.

Which is why we won’t go into it here, Bill,  as this is a humor blog, and, as such, steers clear of unpleasant topics unless it’s  laugh out loud funny like, say, the always popular topic of baby eating.  But I digest . . .

Oh and you can’t see it, Bill, but on the very top of this album in the  left right no left oh who cares corner,  it says this album was  recorded in “New Orthophonic” high fidelity.  Which I guess means it’s for people who have to wear shoes on their ears for medical reasons.  (Not really, I’m just making that up . . . at least I think I’m making it up . . .what do you think, Bill? )

Let’s move on to the super-cheery Clancy Brothers and Tommy Makem, shall we, Bill?

The Clancy Brothers

Okay, Bill, which one do you think is Tommy Makem?  They all look alike to me, Bill.  Do you think that maybe Tommy Makem is a Clancy half-brother?  Maybe he’s the brother nobody knew about until Tommy came a’knockin’ at the door one day with a big announcement?  A big announcement that . . . well  we won’t go into that unpleasantness here, Bill,  as this is supposed to be a humor blog and as such steers clear of topics about things like, say, the  illegitimate makin’ of  Tommy Makems.

Apparently, if one can believe the album blurb,  the Clancy Brothers are Irish. There’s no mention of what Tommy Makem is.  Who cares?  He’s really starting to get on The Clancy Brothers’  nerves anyway.  In fact, I think even though this album is called The First Hurrah!  I have a feeling it’s The Last Hurrah! for poor ol’  illegitimate half-brother, Tommy Makems, don’t you think Bill?

But, Bill,  let’s not worry about such things now, Let’s move on instead to An Hour of Tchaikovsky!

An Hour of Tchaikovsky

Okay, don’t look now, Bill, but this Tchaikovsky Groupie seems to have  her hand hopelessly stuck in her hairdo!  Naturally, she’s confused because she only used seven cans of  hairspray on her hair  —  when she usually applies 43! ( Apparently Tschaikovsky’s been getting into the hairspray cabinet again, what are we going to do with him, Bill?)

But not to worry, she is still managing to keep her composure.  How?  Well, thanks to the magic of eight gallons  of foundation and 3 pounds of eye shadow, three-quarters of a pound of lipstick and half a pound of potato salad.  No  wait . . . that was her lunch.

Okay, well as you can see, Bill, I’m starting to get confused. So I guess it’s just as well that we are  completely out of Album Cover, fun-poking time!  Gosh where does the time go? Where, Bill?  Where?

Until next time . . . I love you

Recipes for People Who Are all Dead Now

Hello Dear Readers and welcome to today’s blog where we will be talking about recipes for people who are all dead now.

Back in 1969, there were a lot of people in the world who liked eating Tomato Aspic, Jellied Gazpacho and Waldorf Salad. Unfortunately all those people are dead now —  taking with them to the grave every conceivable need for Knox Gelatin.  But don’t worry, through the pages of this bizarre cookbook entitled Knox On-Camera Recipes, we will examine in great detail some Knox Gelatin Recipes that made this country what it used to be.  Recipes that salute a quieter, gentler, jigglier time in our nation’s history.

 

Knox Gelatin On-Camera Recipes from 1969:

Knox Cookbook from 1969 Linda Vernon Humor

 

The Knox On-Camera Recipes cookbook begins by educating us in the five types of gelatin which are as follows:

The Simple Gel

Knox on camera recipes Linda Vernon Humor
This delightful red brick is an example of a simple gel.  Mix Knox Gelatin with your favorite liquid and lay it  atop (gently now!) a type of lettuce that is probably extinct now.  Slice a cucumber for charm and casually toss some olives (blindfolded) for that devil-may-care appeal.  The only thing left to do now is wander the streets looking for a person in the 110 year-old age group to eat it.

Gelatin Whip

Knox On camera recipes Linda Vernon Humor
This is an example of a gelatin whip.  Which means after you make a brick of gelatin (see above) it is whipped (by whom and with what is omitted information — a 110-year-old with a cane, perhaps?) until light and fluffy causing it to become far more appealing than an aspic; but far less appealing than anything people who are all dead now could get at the ice cream parlor.

Unflavored Gelatin Snow

Knox on Camera Recipes Linda Vernon Humor
Here’s an example of unflavored gelatin snow.  It doesn’t look very much like snow or at least not very much like snow you would want to put in your mouth.  But nevertheless, gelatin snow it is!! This mixture is also whipped until light and fluffy and/or to teach it a good lesson whichever came first.

Lemon Chiffon Pie

Knox Gelatin On Camera Recipes Linda Vernon Humor
In an effort to include something actually edible into the five types of gelatin, Knox came up with Lemon Chiffon Pie.  First it’s chilled then whipped then partially chilled yadda yadda yadda, who cares anymore.

Mousse

Knox on Camera Recipes Linda Vernon Humor
Well this is a good one to end up with Mousse. (I know your name’s not Mousse, I just forgot the comma).  Mousse happens when a solid ingredient is added into a not-so-solid ingredient either on purpose or by mistake.  This was a favorite of people who are all dead now because there’s no whipping involved which means Gramps didn’t have to get out his cane, yet again!

And there you have it, Dear Readers, our first foray into learning about recipes for people who are all dead now. 

Until next time  . . . I love you

Knox on camera recipes Linda Vernon Humor
All dead now.

The Edible Horror of 1959

Hello Dear Readers! 

Today we are going to put away our mirth, store our humor in the overhead storage compartment and put a lid on our collective jar of Hardy Har Hars — so that we may take a serious look at a trend from 1959 that is so disturbing, so bizarre, so downright twisted that, frankly,  we really don’t even want you to read the rest of the post . . . okay fine go ahead and read it . . . but you’ve been warned!

 

The Edible Horror of 1959

As you can see, this 1959 cook book is trying to pass itself off as an innocent Metropolitan Cook Book featuring foods that are not only delicious and nutritious, but also, foods that appear to have a wonderful outlook on life, a cheerful disposition and an enviable outgoing vivaciousness that would light up a room!

 

Looks innocent?  Look again!

But even though things seem innocuous enough on the surface what these pictures are actually depicting is the sick, brain-washed, utopian edible world of 1959 wherein innocent foods have been programmed into wanting to be eaten.

 

As evidence, let us take a look at this unsettling illustration:

Here we have meat that has been obviously drugged so that it can be paraded before the eyes of carnivores — by its very own offspring as they wave parsley in an attempt to draw attention to their very own parent’s deliciousness!  What in heaven’s name was going on in 1959?

 

And in another equally unsettling illustration we see this:

Here carrots, radishes and onions are happily waiting in line to be dipped into a boiling caldron of soup!  Notice the mindless smiles and the blank affectations in the eyes of indoctrinated vegetables as they so willingly and cheerfully give their lives to this 1959 Orwellian soup du jour!  Oh the vegumanity!

 

And it just keeps getting worse:

Here we have an apple throwing a pie in its OWN face in some sort of sick prelude to the eating of said pie.  Thank the good lord, cruel practices such as this do not go on in the present day.

And finally we must insist that all children be out of the room before scrolling down to this final example of 1959 edible horror:

Family cannibalism!

Here we see a strawberry about to take a big bite of sorbet made out of Sister Stawberry!  We witness Pear munching delightedly on Brother Pear Pudding and Apple enjoying applesauce made entirely of Mother and Father Apple!

These are images that will forever sully the once pristine synapses of our heretofore innocent brains.  I’m sorry Dear Readers to have to do this to you!  But you were warned!

If it’s any consolation

Until next time . . . I love you

Noah Builds the Ark – Step One

“Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories

Every week, Gregory goes to Sunday school. Every week his imagination runs wild during the lessons, and every week he comes home with his own version of the story.

Let’s listen in and see what the lesson was about this week, shall we? 

 LInda Vernon humoous bible storiesNoah Builds the Ark – Step One

When last we left Noah, God was explaining to Noah about how wicked everyone on earth was and how evil their thoughts were and that He was sorry He had ever made them.

Noah:  Don’t be discouraged about how mankind turned out, Lord.  You’ve got to remember it was your first try at making large amounts of people.

God:  I’m full of regret, Noah.  Everyone on earth is thinking evil thoughts all the time.

Noah:  Well maybe if you didn’t listen in on their thoughts so much.  Maybe you just need a vacation from everybody’s thoughts.

God:  See that’s what I like about you Noah, you’re upbeat!  You don’t have any faults!  You’re the only good man of your time.

Noah:  Ah shucks, God, you’re embarrassing me.

God:  No, I mean that.  Out of all of mankind, I only like you.  You’re my best friend!  Mankind is like a way, way distant second compared to you, Noah. You’re the only good man I ever created.  In fact, come here, I want to give you a big hug.

Noah:  Awkward.

God:  Come on! I won’t bite!  I may wipe you out in a flood, but I won’t bite!

Noah:  God you made a joke!

God:  I did?  Well you bring out the best in me, Noah.  Say, you wouldn’t happen to have anymore of that pomegranate wine cooler on hand would you?

Noah:  Sure do you want one?

God:  Does a bear sit in the woods?

Noah:  Ah ha ha! You made another joke, Lord!

God:  I don’t get it.  What’s the joke?

Noah:  Well, you know, because a bear doesn’t sit in the woods it— uh . . . hey,   you want that wine cooler in a goblet, God, or do you want to drink it right out of the pottery vessel?

God:   Just give me the vessel.  Anyway,  like I was saying, Noah.  I have decided to put an end to all of mankind.  I will destroy them completely because the world is full of their violent deeds.  Mm . . .great wine cooler  Do you have any Pringles?

Noah:  Yes but they’re a little stale.  The expiration date was 500 years ago. I borrowed them from Grandpa Methusula.

God:  Is he still alive?  Awesome!

Noah:  He’s 969, but could pass for a 700, I kid you not!

God:  Super!  Anyway, getting back to the flood I’m sending to wipe out every living thing on earth except for you and your family; I took the liberty of drawing up some plans so you can build a boat.

Noah:  But Lord!  I can’t even figure out how to put  together a bookshelf.

God:  Oy pshaw Noah!  All you have to do is make a boat with  some rooms in it, cover it with tar inside and out, make it 450 feet long, 75 feet wide and 45 feet high, make a roof with a space of 18 inches between the roof and the sides.  Then simply construct three decks and slap a door on the side.  It’s just you’re basic biblical boat.  No big whoop.  Don’t over-think it.

noah
“My boat building skills are kind of iffy, Lord.  On a scale of one to ten, how do you feel about rafts?

Noah:  But Lord, when it comes to carpentry I’m all thumbs.

God:  You’re kidding me.  Where were you when I was passing out  fingers?

Noah:  I was . . . no Lord.  It’s just an expression.

God:    Listen, Noah, why don’t you get your three sons to help you out with building the boat.  What are their names again?  Moe, Curly and Shemp?

Noah:  But, Lord, my oldest son is only a hundred.  He’s still in that toddler stage.

God:  Oh well I’m a little worried then.  Maybe I’ll have to wipe you–

Noah:  No no no no no no no!  Lord!  I was just kidding!  I can build a boat. Absolutely! Positively!  Not a problem at all.  I’ll  get ‘er done!

God:  I’m so relieved to hear you say that Noah.  Because building that boat?

Noah:  Yeah.

God:  Well that’s the easy part.  Wait til you hear what I’ve got in mind for step two . . .

And there you have it,  Dear Readers.  This week’s edition of what Gregory surmised in Sunday School this morning.  Please check back next week to learn about Step two of God’s plan for Noah.

Noah and God

Until next time  . . . I love you

Slightly Creepy Seventies: Home Projects

Welcome Dear Readers!  It’s time for a dose of the Slightly Creepy Seventies.  An era that always cheers us up simply due to the fact that we are not living in it!

Today’s Slightly Creepy Seventies Topic:  Home Projects

Number One on the Slightly-Creepy Seventies Home Project List:

W W W Wine!! And of it
It’s a W-W-W-WINE! RAAAAAACK!

Life in the Slightly-Creepy Seventies was creepy.  Times were weird. Coping was strange. That’s why the very first home project on every Slightly-Creepy Seventies handyman Dad’s list was a great, big, huge, honkin’, wine rack of epic proportions!   Because nothing made the time whiz by in the Slightly-Creepy Seventies better than being incoherent.

And speaking of incoherent!

1970's Bedroom

Here’s an adorable, Slightly-Creepy Seventies bedroom makeover Handyman Dad made for his little teenage daughter, Jennifer, or maybe her name’s Melissa.  

Note the bitchin’ pocket-storage above the bed for those high school keepsakes, a cubby under the bed to store Captain and Tennille’s Greatest Hits , and there’s even a little desk for homework.  But the main attraction is:

The Full Complimentary Bar

There's nothing like a full bar in your teenager's Slighty-Creepy Seventies Bedroom to wipe away the Slightly Creepy Seventies Blues!
And if a full complimentary bar doesn’t effectively blur the lines between Slightly-Creepy Seventies reality and Slightly-Creepy Seventies teenage angst for precious Melissa (or Jennifer– who cares),  Slightly-Creepy Seventies Handyman Dad doesn’t know what will!

Oh sure, having a bar in a teenager’s bedroom by today’s standards might be considered negligent, but in the Slightly-Creepy Seventies, nobody considered anything.  Things simply happened.  Handyman Dad thought it would be fun to install a bar in little whats-her-name’s bedroom and install a bar he did! Who are we to judge the parenting decisions of the Slightly-Creepy Seventies?

Now it’s time For Handyman Dad to enrich the lives of his other kids (the sober ones) by building a Slightly-Creepy Seventies Outdoor Play Structure.Seventies Ourdoor Play Structure

Oh no! It looks like the force of gravity is ten times the normal amount!!  Look out little Jennifer . . . Melissa?. . . Who Cares!   It looks like Slightly Creepy Seventies Handyman Dad accidentally built this Slightly-Creepy Seventies play structure over a gravitational anomaly where the perceptions of the laws of physics and gravity are in question!  What are the odds?  Well the odds were actually 100 % in the Slightly Creepy Seventies!

So that takes care of Slightly-Creepy-Seventies Handyman Dad’s home projects for the kids. But what about his lovely wife, Slightly-Creepy-Seventies Mary Tyler Moore?  

Well, Dear Readers, pictured below is the Slightly-Creepy Seventies home project Handyman Dad’s been dreaming about since he polished off the last bottle of wine in his Slightly-Creepy Seventies wine rack (see above).  Perhaps you’ve already guessed what it’s going to be . . . 

If you guessed  a Slightly-Creepy Seventies Nursery/Stripper Pole, Congratulations! You’re really getting the hang of the Slightly-Creepy Seventies!

1970's horrible Decor

And for those of you who guessed correctly, be sure to stop off at  Melissa Jennifer who care’s room and fix yourself a Tom Colins, nobody will ever know the difference anyway as they are all outside trying to extract little whatshername from the Slightly-Creepy-Seventies, Outdoor Play Structure Gravity Vortex.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, a little Slightly-Creepy Seventies to get you through the weekend.

Until next time . . . I love you

Current Events Coloring Pages

Dear Readers, I think you’ll agree when I say that this world doesn’t need more current events.  What this world needs is more current events coloring pages.  To that end, this blog has taken it upon itself to provide coloring pages for some of today’s true news stories.

 

While we humans today enjoy sinking our teeth into a MacDonald’s Big Mac apparently some of our ancestors ate nothing but grass.

After examining the teeth of the ape-like 2.5 million-year-old East African Hominids, researchers from the University of Barcelona and the George Washington University in Washington, D.C. have concluded that they ate mostly grass.

THE EAST AFRICAN HOMINIDS WHO ATE MOSTLY GRASS COLORING PAGE

 

East African Hominids

A new study found bees can do arithmetic. After watching bees do stuff ad nauseum, Professor Adrian Dyer found that symbols representing simple math problems were presented to bees tasked with picking the tunnel that was marked with the correct answer.  Incredibly the bees were able to get the answer right 75% of the time!

Bees Capable of Mastering Basic Math Skills Coloring Page

 

 

 

When Emily Edwards was a little girl vacationing in Wales, she stuck a message in the bottle and launched it out to sea.  Imagine her surprise when it washed up 17 years later!

Message in Bottle Thrown in Sea Found 17 Years Later Coloring Page

 

 

And that concludes the current affairs coloring pages fort day Dear Readers!  Happy Coloring!

A Visit from The Math Lady!

Hello Dear Readers!  After much  coaxing, congealing, and coagulating I am happy to report that I have finally managed to talk  The Math Lady into stopping by for a visit.

The Math Lady

She has agreed to help us sharpen our math skills by presenting us with a few story problems.  The Math Lady would like us to pick up our pencils now and answer the following problems to the best of our abilities:

Wendy, Jennifer and their friends Enrique, Adonis and Fred are going camping for a week in the Grand Canyon. Enrique is bringing along his pet pig, Howard because Enrique doesn’t care much for Wendy, Jennifer or Adonis.   Adonis is bringing his goat, Peppy, and his chicken, Victoria.  Peppy and Victoria are best friends with Fred, Adonis, and Wendy, but Jennifer and Howard think they are annoying. (By the way has anybody seen Enrique?)  Fred is bringing his duck, George, who isn’t anybody’s best friend due to a rough childhood.  How many friends are going camping for a week in the Grand Canyon?

A)  Chocolate Pudding

B) One million trillion billion

C) Yes

D) Hey wait!  Has anybody seen Enrique?

Wendy, Jennifer and their friends with benefits Adonis and Fred have been camping for a week in the Grand Canyon.  Last night while they were all sitting around the campfire, they saw Enrique who weighs 172 pounds fall into the Grand Canyon at a velocity of 150 mph.  The backpack he was wearing weighed 28 pounds before he drank the 17 cans of beer contained inside.  Each can weighs 13 ounces when full but only 1 ounce when empty. If the wind velocity was 17 mph, how long did it take Enrique to reach the bottom of the Grand Canyon?

A) Chocolate pudding

B) One billion trillion million

C) Yes

D) Hey wait!  Has anybody seen Enrique?

After their week in the Grand Canyon, Wendy and Jennifer are each pregnant with triplets.  Their doctor says they can only gain 40 pounds each.  If Jennifer and Wendy eat one pig named Howard, one goat named Peppy, one chicken named Victoria and one duck named George for a combined calorie intake of 150,328 calories.  How many pounds will Wendy and Jennifer weigh when they arrive at the delivery room at 3:52 p.m. Eastern Standard Time?

A) Chocolate pudding

B) One trillion billion million

C) Yes

D) Hey wait!  Has anybody seen Fred and Adonis?

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  The Math Lady sincerely hopes these story problems have been helpful to you mathematically.  Oh, and if you answered A, B C or D to any of the above, please stay after class as The Math Lady would like to have a word with you. Good luck with that.

Until Next time . . . I love you