My Most Popular Posts: Pottery Barn Activity Center

Just when you think life has dulled itself down to a stub,  the new Pottery Barn Catalog arrives! Talk about reigniting your passion for living!

Oh Goodie Goodie Gumdrops! Let us rub our collective hands together and start our Pottery Barn discussion with:

The Pottery Barn Activity Center

Clearly Pottery Barn is trying to get us to be a little more constructive in our spare time. To that end, PB has designed this (get a life) activity center. As you can see from the picture, Pottery Barn feels passionately that thread is the KEY FACTOR when it comes to any activity.

What is PB trying to say?

Perhaps The Potter Barn Activity Center is PB’s polite way of telling us that we need to get off our collective squishy bums and start actively LIVING LIFE before Father Time pokes us with a fork, we’re done.

As Dorothy Parker once said, “There will be plenty of time to do nothing once we’re dead.”

Therefore it is imperative that you buy yourself a Pottery Barn Activity Center right this very minute!  Don’t just say, “Oh I’ll  actively fiddle with thread tomorrow.”  What if you don’t make it to tomorrow.  Huh?  Then what?

As Andy Dufresne once said, “Get Busy Livin’ or Get Busy Dyin” . . .  You’re call Dear Readers!

PB wants to know how you would like being on your deathbed never having experienced the activities in their beautiful Activity Center.  So stop wasting time and start flipping through that old Botany notebook ASAP, reread those old postcards, pronto!  Don’t just sit there!  Time’s a wastin’ — for heaven’s sakes at least PUT A CLAMP ON SOMETHING!

Yeah, The Pottery Barn Activity Center is $129.  So What?

Pottery Barn is asking you nicely not to let the $129 price tag deter you from buying their super-duper-essential Pottery Barn Activity Center.  If Pottery Barn has implored you once, they’ve implored you a thousand times not to nickel and dime yourself out of your one true chance at happiness.

Now, stop arguing and go get your purse or wallet and march yourself down to Pottery Barn . . . Ten Hut!

Oh . . . and since you’re going there anyway . . . PB wants to know if you’ve got 44 extra bucks lying around in, say, your garbage can?

If you answered yes, PB wants you to know they have devised  a much more stylish way for you to throw away your money.

And that is by purchasing this One-of-a-Kind, Giant-Fork, Paper-Towel Holder:

The Cucina Paper Towel Holder

The PB Catalog describes this item simply as a Cucina Paper Towel Holder hoping you won’t know what “Cucina” means and will be too lazy to look it up.

Pottery Barn is hoping you will assume “Cucina” means sustainable, recycled, eco-friendly, soy-based, dolphin-free materials hewn by a mystical enclave of  Mastercrafters headquartered in a barn made of pottery deep in the secret sustainable forests that Pottery Barn and Pottery Barn only has dibs on.

TO RECAP:  if tree falls in the sustainable forest?  Back off!  It belongs to Pottery Barn!

Oh, and a word of caution about the Cucina, Giant-Fork Paper Towel Holder.  If Father Time happens to drop by– be sure to hide this paper towel holder quickly.  He gets weird around forks.

Until next time . . . I love you (especially you, Pottery Barn!)

Hey Lookie! Hitler’s Got a Logo

Welcome Dear Readers to my video series called Magazines with Linda.  Join me won’t you as we flip through a magazine from 1931.

 

Until next time, I love you

How to Be Healthy

Welcome Dear Readers to another video I made.  Today I thought it would be fun to browse through Women’s Health Magazine. 

 

Until next time . . . I love you

Linda’s Bedtime Stories for Grown-up Children: The Cuppencaken

 The Cuppencaken

Roweena Patina was late for tea.   Her mother-in-law, Tulip Aarff, invited her three days ago and yet, somehowRoweena didn’t know how, she completely forgot!

Now Roweena found herself racing through the streets of Van Schmoodenfloffen, at such a furious pace that one of her wooden shoes flung itself off just as she was passing the Van Windenflooffen Bakery.

And even though Roweena felt her shoe fly off — she was in such a tizzy, she didn’t even bother stopping to retrieve it — despite the aroma of Van Boozlephaffen Pie tempting her . . . tempting her . . . tempting her!

For you see, Roweena, had managed to pile on fifty-three pounds during the annual Glockenflockenfluff Fish Festival to the mighty chagrin of her mother-in-law, Tulip Aarff.

In fact, Tulip Aarff found Roweena Patina lacking discipline in every respect — both as a human being, in general, and as a daughter-in-law in particular.  Now, Tulip Aarff could add “fat” to her myriad list of Roweena Patina complaints.

For Tulip Aarff made it her hobby to find fault in the tiniest imperfections of her daughter-in-law’s personage.  And today, Tulip Aarff was about to hit the jackpot when it came to her favorite amusement.

When at last Roweena arrived at the double Dutch door of her mother-in-law’s cottage, she said a prayer for protection, then knocked.

“Enter this instant!” commanded Tulip Aarff.  “For the cold herring is getting warm and the warm tea is getting cold!”

When Roweena stepped inside with her shoeless foot, her disheveled apron and her bonnet hopelessly askew, Tulip Aarff gasped the Great Mother-in-Law Gasp of the Ages.

You’re late as usual! Tulip Aarff barked.

With a hollow smile and a sugary, sweet voice, Roweena said, “I’m only late, my dearest mother-in-law, because I was baking you this  “special” Hagleslagen Cuppencaken!

When Roweena finished her tea, she bid Tulip Aarff a cheerful adieu. A cheerful adieu that Tulip Aarff failed to acknowledge, however, what with her being dead from the poison and all.

Tulip Aarff just before biting the Hagleslagen Cuppencaken dust!

* * *

Until next time . . . I love you

Linda’s Video Writing Tips #4

Hello and Welcome Dear Readers.  I have two writing tips for you today.  I hope you find them useful!

 

Well, that does it for this week’s video writing tips.  Have a great weekend everyone!

 

Until next time . . . I love you

The Real(ish) Story of St. Patrick

Of course everyone knows that St. Patrick is the patron saint of four-leaf clovers because he was partial to the color green.  But there are other little known facts about St. Patrick that the average person might not know.

For instance, back in the days when St. Patrick was alive, they had a lot of snakes slithering around Ireland.  It was really gross.  The whole place just gave you the heebie-jeebies.  As a matter of fact, that is why the Irish Jig was invented – to keep from stepping on them. But that’s another story I haven’t made up yet.

Irish Jig Dancers performing the “Get a load of the size of that one!” twirling leap
Anyway, St. Patrick, who happened to not like snakes very well, decided to take it upon himself to rid the entire island of them. He set about doing this by writing down some goals and sticking them up on the village mirror and by repeating them over and over whenever he had some spare time.

“Six slippery snakes slid slowly seawards . . . six slippery snakes slid slowly seawards . . . “

It must have worked because St. Patrick is credited, history-wise, with getting the entire population of Ireland totally onboard with Christianity, foods that are magically delicious, and snake ridding.

But it was the snake ridding that really got his name in print. The story goes somewhat but not very much like this:

You see, St. Patrick was nothing if not charming. He had it all, looks, a winning personality and a flashy carriage to cruise around in.  This is a guy who had powers of persuasion in spades.

So St. Patrick, being a man of the cloth, (he had a huge and impressive cloth collection) decided that everyone hopping around all the time trying to side step snakes was depleting the citizenry of their usual vim.  (Vigor hadn’t been invented yet.)

It was obvious something needed to be done, post-haste.  And so he decided to “charm” the snakes out of Ireland. 

He started by inviting all the snakes over to his house, under the guise of celebrating St. Patrick’s Day and began charming the pants off them (In those days Irish snakes wore plaid pants with little matching berets.)  He did this by slathering the blarney on pretty thick and following up with a plethora of pandering and topped off with a prodigious pitcher of empty promises.  Pat was pretty proud.

Then, when he realized he was running low on straws for the rum and cokes, he quickly herded his limbless revelers outside and managed to lure them over the White Cliffs of Dover where they toppled, snake-like, into the sea where they became dead as doornails (Albeit very large doornails).

And of course, we all know what happened next. St. Patrick painted the White Cliffs of Dover green to commemorate the occasion.

So next time you have a Happy St. Patrick’s Day, you’ll know why.

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: God Circum Sizes Up Abram

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every Sunday Gregory attends Sunday school and every Sunday he comes home and retells what he learned.  

Today Gregory learned about how God’s covenant with Abraham.

Linda Vernon Humor, the bible according to gregory, humorous bible stories

 

 

God Circum Sizes Up Abram

One biblical day, Abram, who was 99 years young, was sitting in the entrance to his tent, when God appeared to him so Abram bowed down with his face touching the ground.

God:  Good news Abram!  But before I tell you, you want one of my Cheetos?

Abram:  Oh no thanks, they make my fingers orange.

God:  Really?  Anyways, Abram, I appeared because I’ve decided I will make a covenant with you and give you many descendants!

Abram:  Wow!  That’s so cool!  Thanks God. What’s a descendant again?

God:  Plus I’m going to change your name to Abraham.  Because nothing puts the HA! in Abraham like many descendants, if you know what I’m mean?

Abraham:  Not really . . .

God:  And, check it out, AbraHAm.  I’m going to make an everlasting covenant with you and your descendants.  I will be your god and the god of your descendants.  You likee?

Abraham:  Likee?  I Lovee!  But first, refresh my memory.  What’s a covenant again?

God:  Plus I’m going to throw in this lovely land of Canaan in which you now reside even though you are a foreigner.

Abraham:  Gosh!  For reals?

God:  Yup.

Abraham:  Thanks so much God.  I guess I’ll get back to sitting in the entrance to my tent now.

God:  Yes I’m going to give all that to you and your descendents, but first . . .

Abraham:  But first what?

God:  Well, you and your descendants must all agree to get circumcised.

Abraham:  Oh.  Now, what’s a circumcision again?

God:  Sure you don’t want a Cheeto?

Abraham: No thanks . . .  the fingers . . .

God: Oh that’s right.  A circumcision?  Well, hm . . .  well, what’s your schedule like because it’s going to require a really long-winded complicated explanation and I know you wanted to get back to sitting in your tent entrance . . . Plus I’m almost out of Cheetos . . .

Abraham:  Oh that’s okay, God!  Don’t go to all that trouble! I’ll just agree to it.

God: Sweet!

Abraham: Hey where you going?

God: To wash the orange off my fingers.

Abraham:  Love you God!

God:  Love you too Abraham!

And there you have it, Dear Readers, please check back soon to see what Gregory learns next in Sunday School.

Until next time . . . I love you

Abram
“Hey Abraham lookee! This Cheeto looks just like you!