Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s bible stories.
In today’s Sunday school lesson, Gregory learned about how Abram gave away the spoils of war to the King of Sodom. He couldn’t help imagining how it all might have happened.
The Great King of Sodom Camel Mix-up
As you will remember from the last lesson, Abram (God’s new best friend after Noah died) had just rescued his nephew, Lot, from five evil kings with unpronounceable names who had kidnapped Lot and held him captive at Chedorlaomer. (Pronounced -Chedder-lame-o — named after a biblical tribe of people who were horrible at making cheese.)
King of Sodom, the Camel
Then everybody went back to Abram’s place and they held a big celebration with the King of Sodom and the King of Salem. The king of Salem later went on to have a cigarette named after him and, it is rumored, that the King of Sodom later went on to have a camel named after him.
The Feast
The King of Salem was also a priest of The God Most High, so when everyone had finished feasting on goat hotcakes and were sitting around smoking Salem’s cigarettes, they all started yelling “Speech! Speech!” because in biblical days listening to speeches was on everybody’s bucket list, even God’s.
The King of Salem whose name was Melchizedek (Mel) took the floor:
Mel: Abram, may The God Most High who made heaven and earth bless you! Be praised, Abram, because you gave us victories over all our enemies and as a token of our appreciation we are giving you some–
Abram: Goat hotcakes?
Mel: No I was gonna say some bread and wine.
Abram: Does the bread at least come with syrup?
Mel: Sorry no.
Abram: Now wait a minute here, Mel. After going to war and defeating five kings for you and your wives and your slaves and managing to save every one of your asses, this is the thanks I get from The God Most High?
Mel: Apparently. But let me double-check my Excel Spread Stone. Let’s see . . . yup It says the standard reward for defeating five kings is Bread and Wine. The standard reward for defeating four kings is Goat Hotcakes.
Abram: I’ll take a downgrade then.
Mel: You can’t take a downgrade! Nobody ever takes a downgrade!
Abram: Yeah, well I’m Abram, and I’m best friends with the Manager, The God Most High.
Mel: Well why didn’t you say so in the first place? Just let me run it by my supervisor first.
Abram: Who’s that?
Mel: The God Most Medium.
Mel walks to a corner of the tent, closes his eyes for a few minutes and then returns.
Abram: So what’d he say?
Mel: He said he can pull some strings and downgrade you to Goat Hotcakes but only if you give away ten percent of the loot you collected from the spoils battle.
Then the King of Sodom took the floor.
King of Sodom: Look, Abram, you don’t have to give me anything. I just want all my people back. I love my people . . . maybe a little too much, but still!
Abram: “I solemnly swear before the Lord, The God Most High, Maker of Heaven and Earth that I will not keep anything of yours, not even a thread or a sandal strap!”
King of Sodom: What about buttons?
Abram: . . . and therefore, King of Sodom, you can never say, ‘I am the one who made Abram rich’ because I will take nothing for myself. And furthermore, I will accept only what my men have used.
King of Sodom: Well okay, suit yourself. So I guess the only thing left to do now is load up the spoils of war onto the The King of Sodom’s back.
Abram: I don’t believe my ears! You mean, you, the King of Sodom, will be carrying the spoils of war on your back?
King of Sodom: No silly! I was talking about King of Sodom, my camel.
And a good laugh was had by all.
And there you have it, Dear Readers. Please check back next week at this time to find out what Gregory learns about the bible next.
Until next time . . . I love you
This story was loosely based on Genesis: 17-24
Linda Vernon Humor 
You’re back – a fine thing indeed!
Ah thank you so much Mike! I am very behind on reading your most wonderful musings. . I’ve got a writing project I’m working on, so I’ll only be posting occasionally until it’s finished. I will pop in regularly to write a weekly bible story though — and to catch up!
Best of luck with the project then. Take care. Mike
They are so gonna feed you goat cakes in hell linda. What the hell is a goat hotcake anyway? I mean the rest of story makes perfect sense, but goat cakes!
Yes, I don’t think I’ll even get to take the down elevator either. I’ll probably have to take the stairs.
Goat hotcakes were actually a reference to a bible story I wrote a couple weeks ago called 318 Goat Hotcakes to go : https://lindavernon.wordpress.com/2014/04/06/gregorys-bible-stories-318-goat-hotcakes-to-go/
Ah I see. I guess that what happens when you miss Sunday school and go surfing instead. (Not sure what hell awaits me!)
Surfing instead of at church? Perfect! If only Sunday school were taught while on surf boards this world would be a much better place!
Actually Linda it is church!!
Amen!!
Also, please refer to ‘Ram Goat Liver’ the 1976 hit by Pluto Shervington. For a broader explanation, see his excellent cover version of ‘Book of Rules’ – which is also the forthcoming theme tune for ‘Linda Vernon – The Musical’ – due to be released this summer in very selected movie theaters.
Holy cow, now you’ve got me wondering what road wax is….
Now that’s the $64,000 question!
Ahahah! Oh good ol’ Pluto Shervington! What ever happened to him anyway?
I shall find out.
I am feeling spiritually uplifted Linda, my dose of Sunday bible readings and in some ways reading your bible stories is a little like hearing the homily at Sunday mass. You have filled a void for me. Have a good Sunday.
Haha! Thanks Michael!. I’m so glad you enjoyed this installment of the bible! You have a good Sunday too! (cue organ music . . . )
Sorry Linda I missed Sunday it’s Monday morning here……the future is looking ok I can reveal that much to you.
Ahahah! Thank you. I’ll proceed confidently then! 😀
I’m going to suggest calling the camel at the zoo, King of Sodom. See how that goes! I think it rolls right off the tongue.
Haha! Oh that would be so perfect, wouldn’t it? And really when you think about it, biblical names never really go out of style.
I saw that cheese joke coming a mile away. Maybe I’m getting used to your style. I don’t think it was a camel that was named after Sodom. It was something else and since I don’t work blue, I’m not going to mention it. Just to say he’d have been better off with a camel.
You saw the cheese joke coming a mile away? HA! You are definitely on to me, Mark. And I don’t work blue either, but I think the Sodom story is coming up very soon here, so I don’t know how that’s going to work. Perhaps I’ll need to invest in a Euphemism Thesaurus for questionable biblical behavior. I just hope they carry them on Amazon . . .
It must be flattering having a camel named after you, especially now that cigarettes are no longer in vogue.
So true! While at the same time breathing new meaning into the old slogan “I’d walk a mile for a camel.”
All of this is what led up, two millenia and one sever translation error later, to the naming of King of Prussia Mall in King of Prussia, Pennsylvania, home of the extra long business card.
What? I’ve always wanted to visit the Home of the Extra Long Business Card and now I can! Oh Guap, you open so many wonderful worlds to me!
the King of Sodom later went on to have a camel named after him. his favorite hobby named after him.
Does the bread at least come with syrup? Hey. Eggcellent idea. What’s your favorite hobby? French. Then let’s call it french toast.
Fair enough. Not such good sentence finishing advice, I admit.
Haven’t seen you on my blog for a while. Stop by when you can. Besides posts, I also have links to music and audio books.
I apologize for that Donald. I actually haven’t been online much lately. But I will go over right now and check out what you’ve been up to . . .
Thanks, Linda. I knew you would.
I look at blogging as a social activity–I mean a real one. There are a lot of people who just like to see high numbers on their Followers list. Myself, I don’t understand that, at all. For instance, I don’t have it displayed on my blog, but according to WordPress, I have 76 “followers,” four or five of whom actually check my blog out once in a while. Thus, I have, not 76 followers, but 5 followers.
You have a remarkably successful blog. You’ve earned it. 🙂
Oh Donald thank you for your kind words. I absolutely know what you mean about followers who don’t actually follow your blog. I’m always very flattered when someone follows my blog. But it’s really more like someone is giving you a Like+. And they might follow for a little while but everyone is so busy. I’m just happy they even came by once! There are so many bloggers I love but I have yet to devise a system to keep up like I’d like to and still have some time left over for writing and for a life away from the computer. I think what we need is an extra day added to the week for reading blogs!!
Oh my goodness, that’s true.
Some folks are incredibly lucky. I’m reading Keith Richards autobiography right now. Good grief, the stuff that guy did to himself. He said, “I know my body and how to deal with it. I cured myself of hepatitis C without seeing a doctor.”
AND he also says that for quite some time he only needed to sleep twice a week!
That’ll give you some extra time. Unfortunately, my constitution isn’t very good. I wonder what planet Keith is from. 😉
Wow that’s amazing about Keith. I guess it just goes to show you that pickling is actually good for a person’s health! Who knew?
That, and taking good care of yourself.
You know how they’re always asking these people who make it to one hundred what “the secret” is. I’m going to get a good laugh out of it when Keith gives them his secret. Heh-heh.
Oh now that is something to really look forward to, isn’t it?
And thus French Toast was born! Ha ha! I love it Donald! 😀
😀