Confessions of a Sunday School Drop Out


The Story of Creation

In the beginning there was this word floating around in a big giant vat full of nothin’. Nobody knows what this word was, but let’s just hope it was a useful word, not too complicated. Something like “stipulate” or maybe something that was pronounced nothing like it was spelled like “rendezvous” to keep it a little more interesting.

In a little while from the opposite end of the vat God appeared. He reached out and grabbed that word, whatever it was, and swung it over his head scattering all the letters hither and yon, sending them flying to the farthest corners of the vat (it was a square vat).

All this new activity really got God fired up. He thought to himself why stop there? Why not create an entire universe replete with planets and suns and super nova’s and black holes because, in his heart of hearts, God was an astronomy major.

So that’s what he did, and it looked great so he thought “why stop there?” So he went ahead and made the earth, the sky, and the oceans. It turned out to be such a masterpiece that God invented the word agog so he would have something to be whenever he looked at it.

Now, since there was still a couple of days before the first day of the week, God decided he had a little extra time to really go all out and add some Zippidy Do Da to the place.

And that’s when he decided to make a man in his image using nothing but ordinary, garden-variety mud. God was quite a wizard with mud and soon he had created a man that looked just like him except that God looked more like Charleton Heston, and the man looked more like Gary Bussey which was a little disappointing for God but he wasn’t too hard on himself because it was his first try at making mud men.

God was shooting for this
Instead he got this

Anyway, God went ahead and gave the man the best name he could possibly think of – Adam — which was kind of an unimaginative name when you consider that none of the other names were taken, but, you know God. He always has to work in mysterious ways. So what are you gonna do?

Now how God got the idea for making Eve is anybody’s guess. Apparently he had gotten tired of working with the medium of mud and started looking around for something else to use. God’s eyes came to a rest on Adam and a peculiar expression crossed His Almighty Face.

Adam was all, “What?”

And God was all, “Nothing.”

And Adam was all, “Why are you looking at me like that?”

And God was all. “No reason. Nothing.  Never mind.”

Of course, somewhere in there God wrestled Adam to the ground and managed to get a hold of one his ribs and, quick like a bunny, fashioned it into a really, really pretty lady named Eve. And since Adam was a sucker for a pretty face, he really didn’t hold it against God too much that he had just ripped out one of his bones without any anesthesia.

As you can see, Eve was well worth the wait!

Rumor has it that God instructed Eve not to eat from the tree of knowledge because she was blonde and he wanted to keep her that way ha ha! But seriously, once God realized that his creations were practically incapable of holding up their end of the conversation, he knew he had to do something.

Just then a poor, little, defenseless, cute, little python was slithering by. God commanded him to stop mid-slither. The snake totally ignored God and continued on his way.

While God was trying to remember when the heck he created the snake, Eve ate an apple and talked Adam into eating some of it too.

After that, Adam and Eve went to Old Navy and each bought a whole new wardrobe and charged it to God.

“God’s awesome!

Please leave a comment. I need help finishing my sentences.

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