AARP the Sound Old People Make When They Burp

Good News (possibly)! Just got my AARP Membership Activation Form in the mail since I’m over 50 but I don’t look it, only they left out the but I don’t look it part.

They want me to send them money since they have already gone to the trouble of printing out two cards for me with my name on it. 

AARP says that they will send me a new card and a full description of benefits after I pay them.  So not to worry, once I buy it, then they will tell me exactly what I just bought.

So if I pay them$63 now, I can start enjoying privileges!  Hurrah!  There’s nothing I like better than a $63 worth of privileges!

Here’s the AARP (pardon me!) Statement of Benefits:

Item 001 

(Note the two zeros before the actual item number –there’s my first privilege right there.  They obviously brought out their good zeros for this offer, make no mistake!)

Up to 25% savings on car rentals. 

But “up to” is the key phrase here.  We all know what an “up to” savings means.  It means you’re never going to actually get the full “up to” amount of 25%.  I never have anyway.  And I would remember if I did since the main reason I buy stuff is because it’s up to 25% off.

Item 002:

Exclusive information and resources.

This phrase is a little vague, sure, but they go on to explain as follows:

The award-winning AARP The Magazine.  Most interesting, most helpful to everyone over 50.

Apparently the award was for incomplete sentences.

As far as resources go, they’re keeping that vague too.  Perhaps we are to assume that they are offering natural resources like say, bauxite or aluminum.  Well, hopefully they’ll explain after I send them the money.

Item 003:

Discounts and special member programs on prescriptions and health services.

There’s another one of their awarding-winning incomplete sentences.  Maybe their attorneys have advised them to drop any actual verbs so there won’t be anything to get all litigious about.

Item 004:

We are fighting for your American Dream.

Say What?   And they want us to pay them for that?  I’m fighting for the American Dream too, in my own way, and I’m not even asking AARP to chip in on gas.

Item 005

Access to Financial Programs

Excuse me but shouldn’t AARP be providing handicapped access to financial programs?

Item 006

Community programs and services.

Over 2,000 local chapters.  Volunteer opportunities.  Safe driving course.

So let me get this straight.  AARP wants me to send them $63 so I can become an AARP volunteer.  Hmmm. . . . and then they’re going to trick me into taking “safe driving course” which will result in them finding out what a horrible driver I actually am and getting my license taken away from me permanently.

But just as I’m deciding I don’t want their stinking privileges,  they have to go and make it a really hard decision by throwing this in at the end:

Free Travel Bag with the sound old people make when they burp emblazoned across the front

Ok, fine I’ll take it.

Until next time . . . I love you

3 thoughts on “AARP the Sound Old People Make When They Burp

  1. I can’t believe how ugly that AARP bag is. But heck, it’s free. And yes, you will be letting everyone around you know that you are in fact old but that you get some “old people stuff” for UP TO 25% off. What a deal!

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