Don’t Thank Me, Thank My Noble Metabolism

 

Don’t Thank Me, Thank My Noble Metabolism

It’s Official! My Metabolism Has Finally Reached Zilch

My metabolism has slowed down so much lately that not only will I gain weight if I even look at a piece of cheesecake — so will the person standing next to me.

Metabolism Heaven

Some people complain of a sluggish metabolism. If I could get my metabolism up to sluggish, well . . . I’d be in metabolism heaven, that’s all.

Not the real Metabolism Heaven, but a darn good likeness

I’ve Got a Metabolism That Punches Out at Noon

I’m starting to get the feeling my metabolism goes home early everyday. I think it’s getting bored with its job. And who could blame it, really. Talk about a backlog of work! Poor Dear.

I would imagine the piles of cheesecake in its In-Basket alone is enough to make even the most dedicated of metabolisms want to call in sick.

What’s a Food Consumer to Do?

Still, even though my heart goes out to my metabolism, it would be nice if it could step up the pace just a little. I’m doing my part by carefully monitoring what I eat. I read all the food labels and whatnot; but it isn’t easy finding a food whose first ingredient is air.

My Life as an Air Fern

I think Mother Nature rigged so it so a woman of my advanced years can live indefinitely on air to keep mankind from going extinct.

My Metabolism Theory

As far as I can tell, Our Family of Humans evolved so that Grandma could keep the cave clean, do all the cooking plus watch the grandkids without having to eat any actual food — which meant Yippee!! Extra helpings of Kentucky-Fried Mammoth for everyone! (Except you know who.)

Me and My Metabolism, Where Would Mankind Be Without Us?

So I suppose one could say, the more sluggish my metabolism, the more I am actually contributing to the survival of the human race. Each and every time I manage to push away a piece of cheesecake without eating it, I am sacrificing that piece of cheesecake for the global good of my fellow Homo sapiens — because now there is just that much more cheesecake for them to eat.

Thus ensuring the survival of our species.

Who knew something operating at zilch could be so noble?

Until next time . . . I love you

Linda’s Bedtime Stories for Grownup Children #138

 

Ted Flerk’s Autobiography

“As you know, children, we always observe National Rubber Spatula Day here at Connie’s Kindergarten Cuisine Academy and–” Miss Connie’s announcement was interrupted by a collective moan from the classroom.

And,” Miss Connie continued unfazed, “I therefore will be reading to you from Scraping By — the autobiography of Ted Flerk who you will remember is credited with inventing the rubber spatula.

Miss Connie calmly opened to page one and began reading in a clear, strong voice as several students rushed for the door that Miss Connie had had the presence of mind to bolt.

“The story of how it came to pass that fateful day in Mother’s kitchenette, when I, Ted Flerk, invented mankind’s most important baking utensil, the rubber spatula, is, I suppose, a tedious tale, or, more precisely, a thorough recounting, if you will, of—“

Suddenly a loud boom erupted from the back of the classroom. Miss Connie looked over the top of her reading glasses. Charles was out of his seat.

“If you’re thinking you’re going to bust down that door, Charles, you’ve got another thing coming.” Miss Connie said mildly. ” Now, put down that battering ram and return to your seat immediately!”  Miss Connie continued reading.

” . . . the events leading up to the day I thought of inventing the Rubber Spatula, including what happened while I was physically inventing the rubber spatula, itself,  in addition to a detailed accounting of my life up to that point– “

Suddenly there was a mighty crash and a tinkling of glass. Miss Connie calmly put her finger on her place in the book and looked up. Several girls were helping each other climb through the jagged glass of the broken classroom window. A line of students was quickly forming behind them. Miss Connie chose to ignore the interruption and continued reading.

” . . . and exactly how I, Ted Flerk, was able to scrape every type of bowl known to man leaving no detail undocumented. . . “

At 3:00 sharp, Miss Connie bookmarked her place in the book, turned out the lights of her now empty classroom and went home.

 

Inventor of the rubber spatula
Ted Flerk, inventor of the rubber spatula and the Author of Scraping By

 

Your 1977 Guide to Over-Handling Food

Hello Dear Readers!  I thought it might be fun to take a look at the way food was prepared back in 1977, a year where absolutely nothing happened and there wasn’t anything to do but play around with  food.

Join me now, won’t you?  As we infiltrate the space/time continuum by whizzing back to 1977 via the pages of McCall’s Cook School!

It's not just a magazine it's a school!
It’s not just a magazine it’s a school for cooking!

First up is this delightful Golden Seafood Platter:

Great pains have been taken to arrange this seafood platter in a delectable manner.
Could it be arranged in a more delectable manner?

To the untrained eye, this seafood platter might appear unimaginative, but to McCall’s cooking school graduates this is a study of  perpendicular proportions!

For you see, each piece of fish has been magnetically lined up with true north using a cooking compass/thermometer.  And each shrimp has been carefully hand-placed to align with Orion’s Belt after Orion had to let it out a couple notches due to eating too much seafood.

Then there’s this well-groomed platter of chicken and potatoes!

Counter clockwise never looked to delicious!
Counter clockwise never looked so delicious!

To get this random look just right, McCall’s Cooking School dictates that one must first arrange the chicken in a counter-clockwise direction and then walk across the room and toss the potatoes onto the plate one at a time which is the secret to giving any dish that coveted un-fussed with appeal that McCall’s Cooking School is trying their darnedest to get the hang of.

Blanquette De Veau and You!

Think in terms of French Navy when arranging this dish.
Think in terms of French Navy when arranging this dish.

Leave it to McCall’s Cooking School to find an educational way to bring together the French Navy, The Middle Ages and veal!  As you can see, the miniature carrots have been arranged in the exact formation as the cannons on French war ships during the battle of   . . . everybody say it together — The Siege of La Rochelle!

As you can also see, the mushrooms have been mathematically placed exactly where they would have landed had they actually been shot out of the carrot cannons –which could account for why the French lost the battle of –everybody say it together — The Siege of La Rochelle!

McCall’s Cooking School Says this is the Standard Dish That Belongs in Every Good Cook’s Repertoire

Chicken Leg Parsley Exultation
Chicken Leg Parsley Exultation

If there’s one thing McCall’s Cooking School is big on it’s that it doesn’t really matter how food actually tastes as much as it does how well food stays together without getting out the glue gun.

In that vein,  they present to us their PhD of food arrangement:   Chicken Leg Parsley Exultation de Biscuit. Because in the year 1977,  if a dish wasn’t a shrine to something; it really wasn’t anything at all.

And there you have it Dear Reader!  Thank you for agreeing to  infiltrate the space/time continuum by whizzing back to 1977 via the pages of McCall’s Cook School!  It probably wouldn’t hurt to go comb your hair a little bit.

Until next time. . . I love you

The Casserole People of 1965

Hello Dear Readers!

Today we are going to explore the past via the magic of the pictures in  “The Casserole Cookbook .”  Let’s peek in on the perfect cartoon people of 1965 who populated cookbooks thousands and thousands of minutes ago.

Meet the Perfects of 1965. 

There’s Father, Ken (smoking the pipe), and Mother, Kendra, (wearing the dress) and their children, Fine Young Lad, Kenny, and Girl the Size of a Newborn Baby with Abilities and Hair Far Beyond Her Years who goes by the name of. . . uh . . . oh, who cares what her name is, she’s a girl!

Oh, and there’s also their dog whose name is Spot (in accordance with the United States Government Bulletin Regarding Spotted Dog Names as mandated by item 14.4.3; pages 427.)

And then, of course, we can’t forget the Perfect’s two anti-gravity fish (both named Wanda) who are floating in the air above their heads just in case the Perfects get hungry . . . for fish.

The Perfects are watching a live television broadcast called The Casserole Cookbook Show.

At first glance, you would think they were overly interested in The Casserole Cookbook Show, But you see, the Perfects know they live inside of The Casserole Cookbook.  So it’s kind of like when our astronauts went to the moon and sent back images of earth.

Guess what kind of casserole Kendra Perfect is planning to serve her husband, Ken, her Fine Lad, Kenny and her weird little girl, what’s her name?

If you guessed Roller Coaster Casserole you are not only right; you’re extremely lucky when it comes to guessing.

As you can see, Father Ken has changed into his tuxedo and grown a mustache in order to truly appreciate the subtle flavors of the Roller Coaster Casserole.

And Fine Lad, Kenny, has a huge smile on his face despite the fact that he was born with an inability to cross his legs.

And look!  The Perfects have even gone to the trouble stacking up some government bulletins for weird little what’s her name to sit on so she can reach her fork!

And of course they are all raising their hands in the Roller Coaster Casserole Salute as Mother Kendra steps out from within the pages of their home planet to present her Perfect family with a Perfect Meal. 

And lest we forget, their two fish (the Wandas) are still floating in the air above their heads only now they have been inserted into boxes and gift wrapped and marked with a big letter L!  Why?

Because even the Perfect’s anti-gravity fish know that Roller Coaster Casserole is Lummy in Your Tummy!

Well, Dear Readers, this is probably a good time to bid adieu to the Perfects and let them enjoy their meal in peace by gently closing The Casserole Cookbook and allowing the them to just be perfect!
Until next time . . . I love you.

Trifecta 33-word Fable Writing Challenge: Dinner at the Fable Buffet

Hello Dear Readers!  This weekend’s Trifecta Writing Challenge was to write a fable in 33 words!  They certainly keep us on our toes over there at the challenge! So here goes:

Dinner at the Fable Buffet

A cat and a parakeet were dining on pie when the cat remarked that he really should be eating the parakeet to which the parakeet replied, “Shut up and eat your Puddy Tat pie.”

Until next time . . . I love you

My Brain, Peanuts, Thinks Up Some Dubious WordPress Blog Ideas

Why hello Dear Reader and welcome to Monday morning here at the blog! 

This might be a good time to warn you that my brain, Peanuts, has been thinking again — the act of which has produced the following ideas for some dubious WordPress blogs:

My Favorite Government Documents! .com

Bureaucrats estimate that government documents now out number stars in the universe by a ratio of three to one!  And Peanuts thinks choosing my favorites among them (the most adorable) would make for a good blog.

Ah! Have you ever seen such an adorable government document?  Don’t you just want to squeeze it?

What about Lard? .com

My brain, Peanuts has high hopes for this blog!  It will encompass anything and everything about lard and lard-related products.  Readers will be invited to experience the world through the eyes of lard which should prove to be an exhilarating — if not somewhat disgusting– experience!

Soups Most People Never Tasted .com

There must be literally hundreds maybe even thousands of them! My brain, Peanuts turns to mush just thinking about all the soup out there that most people have never tasted!

Oh sure, you’ve never tasted it, but are you sure it’s never tasted you?

Your Friend, Cement! .com

Peanuts wants us to stop and think a minute about where we would all be without our dearest friend, cement . . . well, probably right in the exact same place we currently are . . . but still!

“Hey Cement, wanna get coffee later?”
“Uh . . . no.”

On a scale of one to ten, how Chapped Are Your Lips? .com

Finally a way to tell just exactly how chapped those lips of yours really are. Send pictures and Peanuts and I will post the best and the worst! Chapped lips will be judged on a sliding scale of one to ten, ten being the worst and one being the best or maybe vice versa.  Either way we are predicting success that smacks of success.

Sticks that were responsible for poking people’s eyes out!  .com

Just between you and me and Peanuts and WordPress and everybody else in the world, this idea is a little iffy, taste-wise.  Of course, there is the potential for eye patch advertisements and perhaps a lucrative manacle endorsement deal so the tastelessness might well be worth it.

Watching old parades from the 70’s on YouTube! .com

Peanuts asks:  Who doesn’t like watching parades that took place 40 years ago?

Peanuts answers:  No one!  That’s who!

“By golly, yes siree!  That IS Florence Henderson! Well, poke me with a fork!”            “Okay if you insist!”
Body parts I have yet to stub — The Forum  .com

Sure we’ve all stubbed our toe, but what body parts haven‘t we stubbed.  Are you stumped?  Good!  That means you’ll go check out the forum!

Baby Talk Book Reviews! .com

Peanuts wuvs dis idea!

“Me wead Wah and Peas.””

Wah and Pease vewy bo-wing!

Until next time . . . I love you

The Government Helps 1956 Mom Kill The Lonely Hours of Her Day!

In this 1956 government issued Bulletin No. 10, the government suggests 1956 Mom go about killing the lonely hours of her day by freezing some strawberries!

Isn’t it adorable?

To that end, the government has transformed the simple task of placing some strawberries in the freezer into a complicated, time-consuming ordeal that is guaranteed to take 1956 Mom all day long!

Step One

First, 1956 Mom needs to wash the strawberries, then gently lift them out of the water where they will be ready for contemplation (as pictured).

To kill as many lonely hours as possible, the government is suggesting 1956 Mom contemplate the berries for two hours minimum — the same length of time she was instructed to contemplate her navel in the previously issued government Bulletin No. 9 entitled 1956 Moms and Their Navels.

Step Two:

1956 Mom now needs to remove the hulls from the berries which is easier said than done.  1956 Mom knows that she doesn’t exactly know what a strawberry hull is  — which means a trip to the local library where she can study the anatomy of a strawberry and sketch it into her Things I Once Froze diary for future strawberry freezing reference.

Step Three

1956 Mom is happy to finally get to the high point of her day, the sprinkling of the sugar! Oh what fun she will have!  But the fun doesn’t end there. She also gets to turn the strawberries over and over in the sugar for as long as her little arms will allow –giving nary a care to carpal tunnel syndrome — which, in 1956, hadn’t even been invented yet!

Step Four:

The next step is to pack the berries into a container. This step is  self-explanatory.  To find out more about things that are self-explanatory, 1956 Mom will have refer to previously issued government Bulletin No. 7 entitled The Government Explains Things That Are Self-Explanatory.

Step Five

Next 1956 Mom is going to need to press the lid on the container firmly making sure it’s on watertight — which means 1956 Mom will have to go to the garage, locate Father’s fishing gear, then find the nearest body of water in which to throw the container.  Then quickly fish it out, open the lid and check carefully for wet strawberries.  Phew! What 1956 Mom won’t do to kill the lonely hours of her day!

Step Six

Finally, 1956 Mom has made it to the very last step of her herculean strawberry freezing project.  It was touch and go there for a couple of hours!  But thanks to 1956 Mom’s perseverance, the only thing left to do now is label the containers with the name of the fruit (that’s easy . . . strawberries!) and the date she froze them.  For this, 1956 Mom will carefully pen  1 9 5 6.  Because if there’s one thing 1956 Mom knows, it’s her name!

Of course 1956 Mom might want to take a calligraphy class first to kill a few more hours of her lonely day — but that’s another government issued bulletin for another government issued day!

Until next time . . . I love you