My Brain, Peanuts, Thinks Up Some Inventions

Hello Dear Readers!  Happy Friday to you all.  I thought today might be as good a time as any to take a look at some of the inventions, my brain, Peanuts dreamed up.

The Underwater Bicycle

My brain, Peanuts, woke up one morning with this idea.  Instead of scuba divers swimming everywhere; they could explore the ocean floor by riding around on their underwater bicycles. Of course, when I told everyone about this idea they got a good laugh,  but really why wouldn’t it work?

Underwater Bicycle
Scuba Diver Riding the proposed Underwater Bicycle

The Minty Breath-o-rizer

Here’s a fantastic idea that Peanuts came up with a couple years ago.  It’s simply a breath mint that one would attached to one’s front tooth. That way the breath mint doesn’t get in the way when talking to someone, but one can still rest assured that one’s breath is clean and fresh.

a breath mint that sticks to tooth
The Minty Breath-o-rizer

A Goldfish Fishing Pole

Let’s say you go to the pet shop and buy a cute little goldfish.  You get home and set his bowl up. It’s got water, little plastic plants, maybe it’s own little house and an anchor in its little front yard.  But after about two seconds, you start getting bored.  You start thinking, where’s the fun in this?  To which the answer is absolutely nowhere.

But Dear Readers. . . what if you had a little fishing pole upon which you could attached it’s food?  You could feed your new little goldfish by pretending like you’re fishing.  Now that’s fun! I really think this is a winner of an invention, don’t you?

a fishing pole to feed goldfish with
The Goldfish Fishing Pole

The Ponytail Headlight

Don’t you hate it when the electricity goes off after dark and there’s absolutely nothing to do except stare at the candle flame?    Well, stare no more, Dear Readers!  Now sitting in the dark can be fun with The Ponytail Headlight!

Simply put your hair in a high ponytail and viola!  Let there be light!  Instead of sitting in the dark, like a bump on a log, you can now use that time to clean out your closets or straighten up your bathroom drawers or whip up a batch of raw fudge.

a ponytail holder with a headlight
The Ponytail Headlight

The Portable Fanny Pack Swing

Let’s say you’re taking your three-year-old grandson for a walk around the neighborhood when he suddenly gets bored and no longer wants to admire the various shrubbery, preferring instead to throw himself down on the sidewalk and kick and scream as a direct result of all that sugar you fed him earlier.  You try to pick him up but he simply squirms away. (The little fella’s quite an athlete!)

Anyway, that’s where the Portable Fanny Pack Swing comes in.  It’s lightweight and folds up small enough to fit into any AARP Fanny Pack.  You simply pull it out, set it up right there on the sidewalk and put your dear little fella in the swing and start pushing.  This will buy you time until you can get mommy or daddy on the phone to let them know that Fun with Grandma Time is officially over.

Artisti's rendering of portable swing
The Portable Fanny Pack Swing

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  A few inventions dreamed up by my brain, Peanuts.  You’ll have to excuse me now though as I think my brain, Peanuts, has some more inventions to dream up.  If you need me, I’ll be asleep on the couch . . .

Until next time . . . I love you

My Brain Peanuts Thinks Up Some Blog Topics

Let me apologize in advance, Dear Readers, for even though my brain, Peanuts,  has been rattling around up in the Noggin Attic all morning trying to shake an idea loose to blog about, Peanuts has only managed to come up with a few lame ideas which are as follows:

You and Your Alfalfa

Peanuts and I thought we might pick up where we left off yesterday and expound on our new-found knowledge contained within the pages of a 1934 government pamphlet about Alfalfa which we now have in our possession– but then Peanuts and I thought we should probably save that post for a more special occasion like Christmas.

Doing math in your head in 1950

OK,  Peanuts and I  found a booklet from 1950 called without paper and pencil that explains how to do math in one’s head.  The book is full of conversations  like this one:

This topic was promising for about five minutes until Peanuts tried to figure out how long it would take me to write something about doing math in one’s head by subtracting 8:45 a.m from 300 words at which point my brain, Peanuts, fell  asleep in my head.

Your Appendix is more important than you think it is

Peanuts and I thought this topic was very, very, very promising until we realized that your appendix isn’t more important than you think it is.

How to chew an eraser like it was a piece of gum and maybe even blow a bubble

Oh this would have been a killer blog topic, and I wanted to do it until Peanuts reminded me there’s no such things as erasers anymore.

Pretending to know what the stock market numbers mean

This sounded promising at first, but after thinking about how much thinking it would actually involve, Peanuts and I  thought . . .  wait a minute, this is a blog not a torture chamber.

Write a blog about absolutely nothing that uses a lot of big bold headlines such as WordPress “Heading 1” to imply importance

Bingo!  And there you have it Dear Reader. Our blog for today! Oh and if you happen to think of any blog topics for me and Peanuts for tomorrow, we implore you to leave them in the comment section.  As you can see, Peanuts and I can use all the help we can get!

Until next time . . . I (and Peanuts) love you

 

My Brain, Peanuts, Thinks Up Some Dubious WordPress Blog Ideas

Why hello Dear Reader and welcome to Monday morning here at the blog! 

This might be a good time to warn you that my brain, Peanuts, has been thinking again — the act of which has produced the following ideas for some dubious WordPress blogs:

My Favorite Government Documents! .com

Bureaucrats estimate that government documents now out number stars in the universe by a ratio of three to one!  And Peanuts thinks choosing my favorites among them (the most adorable) would make for a good blog.

Ah! Have you ever seen such an adorable government document?  Don’t you just want to squeeze it?

What about Lard? .com

My brain, Peanuts has high hopes for this blog!  It will encompass anything and everything about lard and lard-related products.  Readers will be invited to experience the world through the eyes of lard which should prove to be an exhilarating — if not somewhat disgusting– experience!

Soups Most People Never Tasted .com

There must be literally hundreds maybe even thousands of them! My brain, Peanuts turns to mush just thinking about all the soup out there that most people have never tasted!

Oh sure, you’ve never tasted it, but are you sure it’s never tasted you?

Your Friend, Cement! .com

Peanuts wants us to stop and think a minute about where we would all be without our dearest friend, cement . . . well, probably right in the exact same place we currently are . . . but still!

“Hey Cement, wanna get coffee later?”
“Uh . . . no.”

On a scale of one to ten, how Chapped Are Your Lips? .com

Finally a way to tell just exactly how chapped those lips of yours really are. Send pictures and Peanuts and I will post the best and the worst! Chapped lips will be judged on a sliding scale of one to ten, ten being the worst and one being the best or maybe vice versa.  Either way we are predicting success that smacks of success.

Sticks that were responsible for poking people’s eyes out!  .com

Just between you and me and Peanuts and WordPress and everybody else in the world, this idea is a little iffy, taste-wise.  Of course, there is the potential for eye patch advertisements and perhaps a lucrative manacle endorsement deal so the tastelessness might well be worth it.

Watching old parades from the 70’s on YouTube! .com

Peanuts asks:  Who doesn’t like watching parades that took place 40 years ago?

Peanuts answers:  No one!  That’s who!

“By golly, yes siree!  That IS Florence Henderson! Well, poke me with a fork!”            “Okay if you insist!”
Body parts I have yet to stub — The Forum  .com

Sure we’ve all stubbed our toe, but what body parts haven‘t we stubbed.  Are you stumped?  Good!  That means you’ll go check out the forum!

Baby Talk Book Reviews! .com

Peanuts wuvs dis idea!

“Me wead Wah and Peas.””

Wah and Pease vewy bo-wing!

Until next time . . . I love you

Poetry Barn: An Ode to My Annoying Brain, Peanuts

Well my brain, Peanuts, was really annoying this morning. (Peanuts being the nickname my brain insisted on giving itself.)  Peanuts sometimes runs amok and when that happens, all I can do is stand by and watch helplessly.

This morning Peanuts was writing fast and furiously!  Peanuts was so pleased about what was materializing on the computer screen that Peanuts was feeling confident to the point of being cocky.  This is a dangerous state of mind.  Last time Peanuts got like this it cost me and Peanuts $300.

That’s because Peanuts said we could  go 59 when the speed limit was 35.  Peanuts rationalized this decision by explaining that Peanuts didn’t see no cops so there ain’t no cops. Sometimes Peanuts insists on talking with a cheesey, fakey made up dialect. (I always have to roll my eyes.)

Anyway, sure enough  Peanuts spent all morning typing up a post that Peanuts had to stop and laugh at every five minutes.  It was really kind of nauseating how cute Peanuts thought it was being.

So it really served Peanuts right when Peanuts went to hit SAVE DRAFT and the little donut started spinning and spinning and spinning and then the Wordpress screen disappeared altogether!  Peanuts panicked and flailed around clicking buttons and icons like a regular banshee but to no avail.  The post was gone entirely.

I took it rather well, but Peanuts threw a big, huge, hissy fit by pounding fists on  the desk, and shouting the F word, then shouting the S word and then went back to shouting the F word.

Of course, this display of immaturity didn’t do Peanuts one bit of good.  I told Peanuts that in so many words, but Peanuts wasn’t listening.

So instead of posting the hilarious post that Peanuts lost us thanks to cockiness, Peanuts and I will rerun this poem entitled Ode to Peanuts.  It’s really called Ode to the Brain, but Peanuts thinks it’s about Peanuts so we’ll just let Peanuts keep on thinking that:

ODE TO My Brain Peanuts

Oh little brain

We love you so

For thinking up

The things we know

From your hemispheres

To your thalamuses

You know the times of all the buses

Your skull cap’s skewed so jauntily

You’ve hit a spinal chord with me!

And furthermore, let’s be quite placid

Because of your amino acid,

You do not sail this synapse sea

As hairy as a chimpanzee

That ought to shut Peanuts up for a while!

Until next time . . . I love you

Word Swirling

Peanuts

Peanuts, my brain, and I have finally come to an agreement on two things.  We are going to  1) write on this blog each day and 2) go for a walk each day.

Unfortunately, Peanuts is a little confused about the difference between writing and walking.

While walking, Peanuts is a veritable word magician.  Arranging words in the cleverest of ways, coming up with funny, original concepts left and right; and then whipping them all together with hearty doses of unusual nouns, sparkling verbs, and to-die-for adjectives.

Peanuts often ends up with a swirl of words the world has never seen the likes of which!  (That last sentence  being a perfect example!)

On any given day, you might see Peanuts and I  walking down the street mumbling, “Oh that’s good, I gotta remember that!” And then repeating some catchy phrase over and over inwardly (trying not to move our lips lest we be mistaken for crazy) and doing a fine job of  it too, until Peanut’s gets distracted by  running  into a telephone pole and lets go of the idea completely.

At this point, all  I can do is watch  helplessly as the perfect word combo floats away to  Cosmic Essay Limbo, where all the good little essays live, huddled together, in a cruel parallel universe where prepositions are panned, adjectives are illegal and verbs just rub everybody the wrong way.

Sigh. . . If  Peanuts would simply pay attention to where Peanuts is walking instead of trying to write essays on the fly, there would certainly be a lot fewer distractions going on in the way of stumbling, fumbling and mumbling.

Of course as soon as we get back, and I am seated at the computer keyboard, Peanuts has already punched out for the day, and I am left nothing but Peanut’s involuntary functions with which to slap together some sort of wordage for this blog.

Don’t get me wrong, slapping together wordage is one of my favorite things, but it’s even more fun when Peanuts is actually involved in the process and not wandering around up there in the attic folds sifting through old memories.

Sometimes I think Peanuts just doesn’t give a flying fig about me.

I’m warning you, Peanuts, if you ever become vegetative, I’m unplugging on you so fast it will make your wordage swirl!

Wait . . . what’s that?  Oh, Peanuts has just checked in with me.  Peanuts says instead of saying, “Peanuts doesn’t give a flying fig about me”, I should say, “Peanuts doesn’t give an airborne artichoke about me.”

That Peanuts! It’s that kind of writing that makes me forgive Peanuts every time, no matter how mad I get.

Until next time . . . I love you

Peanuts

Thank you for coming again!  It’s so darling of you and pay no attention to that gun in your back!

Perhaps you can see from the title of this post that my brain and I have finally decided on a nickname for it.  After giving the matter a split-second’s thought, I am happy to announce that we have decided that my brain shall henceforth be affectionately referred to as “Peanuts.”

I feel a little bad that I’ve waited 59 years to nickname my brain.  This should have been done months ago,  but what with my shoe-lacing projects and water-under-the bridge observations, well we just could never find the time to put our heads together, figuratively speaking, of course.

Cabbage:  A vegetable about as large and wise as a man’s head.” –Ambrose Bierce (1852-1914)

Isn’t it interesting that my brain came up with the crazy  idea of nick-naming itself?  (Please note that the words interesting and crazy can be used interchangeably here).

When you really think about it, the brain doesn’t understand itself and so it studies itself.   It doesn’t know who or what it is (so try not to mention anything about cabbages when it’s around).

When you really get jiggy with it, the brain is just another internal organ.  One of many I might add.  But it’s the uppity organ, the king of the hill, the cabbage on the mount.  The brain thinks that you can’t do anything with out it.  No wonder it is encased in such a big head.

Scientists are about as confused on this subject as “Peanuts” and I are.  They could study the brain ad naseum (and they do) but never seem to come up with a simple explanation as to who we really are, where we really came from and where we are going.

So as Smarty Pants as the brain is, it really doesn’t know diddly squat. (Sorry Peanuts).  Thank God for the heart.  The heart always knows more than the brain.  Of course, it would lose big time to the brain in a game of Trivial Pursuit, but that’s because the brain is a Know-it-all whereas the heart just knows . . . it all.  We often say “I know in my heart it’s the right thing to do.” and never “I know in my brain it’s the right thing to do.”

In fact, we never refer to our brain regarding anything we think, feel or do.  We’ll say, “I had a gut feeling” or “my heart was telling me”  But the brain just sits up there in the control tower doing all the work and getting none of the credit -unwept, unhonour’d and unsung.

Poor Peanuts.

Until next time . . . I love you