Hey Lookie! Hitler’s Got a Logo

Welcome Dear Readers to my video series called Magazines with Linda.  Join me won’t you as we flip through a magazine from 1931.

 

Until next time, I love you

Vintage Foods from Nineteen ThirtyGore

Hello Dear Readers.  On this blog’s never-ending quest to uncover some of the most unappetizing foods ever trotted out in front of the human race, I am pleased to share my latest findings in the form of:

This cookbook from 1934:

Here’s Mary Hale Martin, herself, smiling enigmatically:

Hold onto your salt shakers! She looks so familiar!
the Mona Lisa
Oh I knew I’d seen her somewhere before!

Anyway, let’s take a little journey back in time to marvel at what people actually put in their mouths in 1934 or as it is sometimes referred to by Food Historians, 193gore:

Baked Spinach 193gore Style!

1934 baked spinach
Here’s a hearty main dish of warmed-over canned spinach but not just ordinary warmed-over canned spinach. This is the Leonardo da vinci version of warmed-over canned spinach because it calls for a “speck” of nutmeg. Which in 193gore made it totally gourmet.

In case you’re wondering how to measure a speck, I have it on good authority that you simply show the can of Nutmeg to the spinach and then put it back in the cupboard.

(And I don’t have any idea what Mary’s rich white sauce was but since it was concocted during the Great Depression, I have a feeling it wasn’t all that rich.)

In the mood for a little 193gore Salmon Pie?

1934 Salmon Pie
Here’s something Mary concocted especially for you! What’s that? You aren’t hungry because you feel like you might be coming down with the Black Plague? In fact, you hope and pray you are coming down with the Black Plague to get out of  tasting Mary’s canned salmon pie? Shame on you!

Recipe for 1934 Salmon Pie

See there’s nothing in it that will hurt you.  No need to be frightened.  But if you look closely you will see that Mary has finally come to fiscal terms with the white sauce and has downgraded it from rich white sauce to thick white sauce.  Which is why Mary comes across as someone we can trust — even if she does smile like The Mona Lisa.

And now for the Ultimate 193gore Treat:  Luncheon Tongue Sandwich!

Tongue for lunch
Oh you would have to choose today NOT to get the Black Plague wouldn’t you? The very day Mary has decided to serve you one of her famous Luncheon Tongue Sandwiches! Well, don’t worry there’s an ice-cold glass of syrup of ipecac to wash it down with (temporarily anyway).

Luncheon Tongue Sandwich

That Mary does it again! She has cleverly stuck one can of Libby’s lunch tongue in between an entire loaf of rye bread, 12 pieces of bacon and three tomatoes. Then peppered it with pickles and even went so far as to throw in a very exotic 193gore ingredient called Lettuce!   And all to keep that luncheon tongue from wagging!

Plus Mary has wisely chosen not to mention which animal’s mouth the tongue originally occupied.

Ah!  So that explains the enigmatic smile!

Until next time. . . I love you

Amy Vanderbilt’s Very Special Student

Dear Readers, Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Dudes and Dudettes, Babes and Babies, Presidents and Prime Ministers:

It’s time for us to say goodbye to awkward moments!  Turn our backs on social faux pas and bid adieu to obnoxious behavior.  For I have managed to procure for us, Dear Readers, the answers to all our problems:

Amy Vanderbilt’s  Complete Book of Etiquette!

Let’s flip through some pages . . . Ah here we go!

A Guide to Tactful Conversation!

Amy says:

“In greeting people we say, “how do you do?” we do not really expect an answer, but it is all right to reply, “Very well, thank you,” even if it is a blue Monday and you feel far from well.”  No one wants a clinical discussion in response to this purely rhetorical question.”

Amy will illustrate what she means by doing a little role playing with a Typical Person.

Amy:  How do you do?

Typical Person:  Does your stomach stick out like that because your preggers or are you just fat?

Amy says sorry but it is never polite to answer a question with a question. Amy says try again:

Amy:  How do you do?

Typical Person:  That depends . . . is that mildew smell coming from me or you?

Amy says this is better, but this reply is still in the form of a question. Amy says try again:

Amy:  How do you do?

Typical Person:  Who wants to know Funyun breath?

Amy says this reply is trending towards tactful but is not quite there yet. (She also says this typical person reminds her of someone but she can’t think who.)  Amy says try again.

Amy says:  How do you do?

Typical Person:  I like Funyuns.

Yes!  Very good!  Amy is so proud!!  Now Amy will move on to the next part of the tactful conversation lesson which covers not remembering names:

Amy says:

“If you are warmly greeted by someone whose name — or maybe whose face, too — you can’t recall say something harmless such as “nice to see you”.  Then while looking quite attentive, let the other person do the talking until he or she gives a clue as to identity.”

Amy:  Nice to see you.

Typical Person: You do not have a clue who I am, you are just pretending to look attentive but you have not been listening to a word I just said about the en-vi-RON-ment.

Amy says she likes this response because there are no contractions in it.  Amy says this person reminds her of someone but she still cannot think who. 

Amy:  You are looking well.

Typical Person:  It feels like we have been talking for one thousand, billion, million trillion hours.

Amy:  Al?  Al Gore?  Is that you?

Typical Person, Al:  Yes. Yes. Yes.  It is me Al Gore. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Amy:  Thanks for standing me up the other night! You have some nerve!

Typical person, Al:  Sorry I cannot do anything but stand up. Plus I was out of Funyuns.  Do you want to go to get some Funyuns with me?

Amy:  Of course Al!   You know, I cannot resist a man who does not use contractions!

Amy says that concludes our Guide to Tactful Conversation lesson one!  But Amy is sure she will be back real soon to teach us more etiquette because she just cannot help herself! 

Until next time . . . I love you

Funyuns. Funyuns. Funyuns. Yes. Yes. Yes.

The Al Gore Comics

Our Beloved Al

Ten Reasons Why You Might Be Feeling Fat

You have a tendency to eat breakfast four times.

The only equipment you keep in your home gym are a treadmill and a chocolate pie.

Your dog leads a scrap-less life.

a sad pug
“My owner sucks!”

You’ve traded in all your P’s and Q’s for M and M’s.

Trading post sign
“But I gave you ten P’s and Q’s and you only gave me seven M and M’s.”
“Listen, bub, nobody ever said life was fair.”

Your idea of the great outdoors is standing under the air conditioning vent at Mrs. Fields.

Your bathroom scales have filed assault and battery charges against you.

lady standing on bathroom scales
“If you don’t get off me right this second, lady, I’m calling the authorities!”

You only have 34 payments left on your last McDonald’s drive-thru.

McDonald's Mcdrive
“Are you ready to order?”
“No I’m just here to make a payment.”

Whenever you get tough and declare you’re going to lick something, it always turns out to be a Tootsie Roll Pop.

You brake for cake!

woman in an cheesy auto accident
“How’d it happen?”
“She was braking for cake.”

And the number one reason why you might be feeling fat:

You are fat.

 

Until next time . . . I love you

Friday Comics: Our Beloved Al

Our Beloved Al


Until next time . . . I love you

Save Room for Schuh!

“Sometimes I just want to punch you!”
“What? But wwwhhhyyy???”

Hello Dear Readers!

I found this wonderful Viennese Folk Dancing LP at the thrift store for us to examine more closely.  Let’s take a little look see, shall we?

Viennese Dances “Ya!”

Here we have a collection of Viennese dance-songs which are sung by Austrian man peasants while other Austrian peasants perform intricate Viennese folk dances.

Well now!  Isn’t that a fine kettle of Neujahrsschießen!

I may not know much about the country of Austria, but that definitely doesn’t stop me from thinking I do.  Here’s my best guess about what the Viennese songs and folk dances featured on this LP might be about:

First up is the hauntingly beautiful —

Hochzeitmarsch aus Ebensee (from Tanze)

This ironic folk dance opens with the Austrian peasant, Hoch, who is wading in the marsh when he becomes stuck in the mud clear up to his eben, see?  And a beautiful peasant girl, Aus from Tanze,  grabs him — and in a series of complicated twists — manages to free his eben, see?  The act of which paralyzes Hoch for the rest of his life, even though Hoch inexplicably retains the full use of his eben, see? Which is probably where the irony comes in but nobody is really sure what’s going on so maybe not.

Next is the surprisingly poignant:

Schuhplattler (from Bauernmusi)

Austrian Peasant Mrs. Butterhorn dances exuberantly past all the young maidens in the village of Bauernmusi carrying a large plattler of schuh.  The maidens  jump and twirl for joy as Mrs. Butterhorn carries her plattler of Schuh through the village square where they all gaily sit down at the annual Neujahrsschießen Feast and everybody partakes heartily and dies shortly thereafter from food poisoning which everybody blamed on a bad batch of Schuh.  Things are pretty much downhill from there on out.  If you ever decide to go to a live performance of Schuhplattler, definitely plan to leave at the intermission.

And finally, a story that is near and dear to all our hearts:

Guggu Polka

Of all the music and dancing performed on this LP, Guggu Polka is perhaps the most well known.  We join our revelers just as Austria’s most famous seafaring explorer, Guggu Polka shimmies his way into town in celebration of his historic discovery that there is absolutely no way to get to the ocean from Austria.  His crew of 18 sailors do a fantastic kick line while dragging the would-be seafaring vessel christened The Hokey Pokey along behind them. Then the villagers put their right foot in and put their right foot out and that’s when Guggu Polka trips and dies.  It may not have a happy ending, but sometimes that’s what it’s all about.

Until next time . . . I Bauerngalopp you

“That is the lamest high five I’ve ever seen!”