Ten Reasons Why You Might Be Feeling Fat

You have a tendency to eat breakfast four times.

The only equipment you keep in your home gym are a treadmill and a chocolate pie.

Your dog leads a scrap-less life.

a sad pug
“My owner sucks!”

You’ve traded in all your P’s and Q’s for M and M’s.

Trading post sign
“But I gave you ten P’s and Q’s and you only gave me seven M and M’s.”
“Listen, bub, nobody ever said life was fair.”

Your idea of the great outdoors is standing under the air conditioning vent at Mrs. Fields.

Your bathroom scales have filed assault and battery charges against you.

lady standing on bathroom scales
“If you don’t get off me right this second, lady, I’m calling the authorities!”

You only have 34 payments left on your last McDonald’s drive-thru.

McDonald's Mcdrive
“Are you ready to order?”
“No I’m just here to make a payment.”

Whenever you get tough and declare you’re going to lick something, it always turns out to be a Tootsie Roll Pop.

You brake for cake!

woman in an cheesy auto accident
“How’d it happen?”
“She was braking for cake.”

And the number one reason why you might be feeling fat:

You are fat.

 

Until next time . . . I love you

Ten Reasons Why You Might Be Feeling Fat

You have a tendency to eat breakfast four times.

The only equipment you keep in your home gym are a treadmill and a chocolate pie.

Your dog leads a scrap-less life.

a sad pug
“My owner sucks!”

You’ve traded in all your P’s and Q’s for M and M’s.

Trading post sign
“But I gave you ten P’s and Q’s and you only gave me seven M and M’s.”
“Listen, bub, nobody ever said life was fair.”

Your idea of the great outdoors is standing under the air conditioning vent at Mrs. Fields.

Your bathroom scales have filed assault and battery charges against you.

lady standing on bathroom scales
“If you don’t get off me right this second, lady, I’m calling the authorities!”

You only have 34 payments left on your last McDonald’s drive-thru.

McDonald's Mcdrive
“Are you ready to order?”
“No I’m just here to make a payment.”

Whenever you get tough and declare you’re going to lick something, it always turns out to be a Tootsie Roll Pop.

You brake for cake!

woman in an cheesy auto accident
“How’d it happen?”
“She was braking for cake.”

And the number one reason why you might be feeling fat:

You are fat.

 

Until next time . . . I love you

Breakfast Confabulation of 1937

I got this picture out of a 1937 cookbook that I found at my local thrift store.  So I worte a little story about it using 1930’s slang.  Hope you enjoy it.

Watching you eat is Aces! You’re cute as a bug’s ear . . .

Ha ha! Well, I certainly didn’t get flimflammed when I married a tomato like you! But you’re plate’s empty . . . what gives?

Oh I’ll eat later with the dog.  I’m just content to sit here and smile at you while you eat a hearty breakfast consisting of breakfast dishes men like — that I thought up using my wifely wisdom.

That’s all wet.  Tomorrow I want you to eat your breakfast at the breakfast table see? You’re a doll even if you are always bumping your gums.

What are you trying to say?  That you made a brodie marrying me?

Well you gotta admit, you’re kind of a crumb.

Well!  I should have know better than to marry a cinder dick.

Listen broad, being employed as  railroad detective is better than squat, isn’t it?

OK, OK, don’t blow your wig, I’m not sore.

You and me both, kitten.

I know! Why don’t I get on the blower and make reservations at the speakeasy, and we’ll knock back a couple slugs of snazzy hooch.

You shread it, wheat! You know something?

What?

When I look into those baby-blue pies of yours I can’t help thinking what a swell dame you are.

Thanks a heap, I’m sure.