Ten Reasons Why You Might Be Feeling Fat

You have a tendency to eat breakfast four times.

The only equipment you keep in your home gym are a treadmill and a chocolate pie.

Your dog leads a scrap-less life.

a sad pug
“My owner sucks!”

You’ve traded in all your P’s and Q’s for M and M’s.

Trading post sign
“But I gave you ten P’s and Q’s and you only gave me seven M and M’s.”
“Listen, bub, nobody ever said life was fair.”

Your idea of the great outdoors is standing under the air conditioning vent at Mrs. Fields.

Your bathroom scales have filed assault and battery charges against you.

lady standing on bathroom scales
“If you don’t get off me right this second, lady, I’m calling the authorities!”

You only have 34 payments left on your last McDonald’s drive-thru.

McDonald's Mcdrive
“Are you ready to order?”
“No I’m just here to make a payment.”

Whenever you get tough and declare you’re going to lick something, it always turns out to be a Tootsie Roll Pop.

You brake for cake!

woman in an cheesy auto accident
“How’d it happen?”
“She was braking for cake.”

And the number one reason why you might be feeling fat:

You are fat.

 

Until next time . . . I love you

Answering the Questions From Lesson 32

Hello Dear Readers!  Join me now won’t you as we answer  Questions from Lesson 32:

Just to briefly bring you up to speed on Lesson 31 first, it apparently involved auxiliary verbs and forming negatives in the past tense.  Well, don’t even think about Lesson 31.  Because Lesson 31 is the kind of lesson that makes a person hate school with all their heart and soul and the kind of a lesson that sucks every molecule of fun out of life.  So we will think no more of it and simply go to the Lesson 32 where we are asked to answer some questions.

Ok, first of all, your question sounds a bit accusatory to me.  Are you accusing me of making the teacher sick?  I wasn’t even there the day the teacher got sick. But oh no, the minute something happens to a teacher every one points a finger at the Voodoo Practitioner!  Typical! Just because I own and operate Stick a Needle in YOUR Eye, Voodoo Sales and Service– everybody blames me for every little mysterious ache and pain.   Besides the teacher isn’t sick, the teacher is lying on an army cot in the back room in a catatonic state with a Tootsie Roll Pop in his mouth.  So stop jumping to conclusions and use your common sense for once!

Of course we saw some wild animals when we went to the park yesterday!  What are you, nuts?  In fact, there were some children going down the slide when  a huge orangutan pushed them all off and slid down himself! Ha ha!  Then little Johnny almost got gored by that charging rhino, but a miss is as good as a mile, and we all got a good laugh out of that one! (You should have seen the funny expression on both Little Johnny’s face and the charging rhino’s — it will be a long time coming deciding which one was funnier!)  So in answer to your silly question of did we see some wild animals at the park yesterday?  Duh, hello!?!  Earth to Lesson 32!

Maybe you didn’t hear. . . John was fatally injured trying to catch a toaster yesterday, and it was just too hot to drag him along.

How should I know?  I was at the zoo, remember?  You haven’t been listening to a single word, have you?

What are you stalker or something?  You seem a little obsessed with Helen.  I don’t know Helen, personally, but I bet you anything she wants you to go away and never darken her door again! (And don’t be surprised if you suddenly start experiencing some mysterious aches and pains.) If you’re not Helen’s stalker, the answers are:  yes, down the street, and about 45 minutes.

And there you have it,  Dear Readers, the answers to Lesson 32!  And here you thought you didn’t like school!
Until next time . . . I love you

Ten Reasons Why You Might Be Feeling Fat

You have a tendency to eat breakfast four times.

The only equipment you keep in your home gym are a treadmill and a chocolate pie.

Your dog leads a scrap-less life.

a sad pug
“My owner sucks!”

You’ve traded in all your P’s and Q’s for M and M’s.

Trading post sign
“But I gave you ten P’s and Q’s and you only gave me seven M and M’s.”
“Listen, bub, nobody ever said life was fair.”

Your idea of the great outdoors is standing under the air conditioning vent at Mrs. Fields.

Your bathroom scales have filed assault and battery charges against you.

lady standing on bathroom scales
“If you don’t get off me right this second, lady, I’m calling the authorities!”

You only have 34 payments left on your last McDonald’s drive-thru.

McDonald's Mcdrive
“Are you ready to order?”
“No I’m just here to make a payment.”

Whenever you get tough and declare you’re going to lick something, it always turns out to be a Tootsie Roll Pop.

You brake for cake!

woman in an cheesy auto accident
“How’d it happen?”
“She was braking for cake.”

And the number one reason why you might be feeling fat:

You are fat.

 

Until next time . . . I love you