Welcome, Dear Readers, to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.
This week Gregory learned about how Abram took 318 fighting men to rescue his nephew, Lot, who had been captured by five kings. Gregory couldn’t help imagining how it all might have happened.
318 Goat Hotcakes to Go!
In last week’s lesson, we learned that Abram’s nephew and business partner, Lot, had opened up a branch office of “Just Goats!” in beautiful downtown Sodom.
The goat business was booming in Sodom. Goats were selling like hotcakes! (Thanks to Lots’ having finally perfected his recipe for goat-hotcake batter.)
One day, on his way to the bank to deposit two pieces of silver, four camels, three bags of grain, and get a roll of chickens so he could make change, Lot heard news that four kings with unpronounceable names from unpronounceable places had gone to war with five kings whose names were even more unpronounceable than the four kings with unpronounceable names and the places they were from were so unpronounceable, everybody just said ‘oh the hell with it’ and ordered more goat hotcakes.
Occasionally between bites someone would shout “Go Ashteroth Karnaim, the Zuzim from Ham!” or we’ve got your back “Emim in the plain of Kirithaiaim!” But mostly people just ignored the Ongoing Unpronounceable Name King Conflict preferring to eat goat hotcakes dripping in goat syrup with plenty of ox butter.
That is, until the day five Kings with unpronounceable names rang Lots’ tent bell.
Lot: Who is it?
Five Kings: It’s five kings with unpronounceable names. We just defeated the King of Sodom and now we are here to take you and all your possessions!
Lot: There’s a King of Sodom?
Five Kings: Yeah.
Lot: How did you defeat him?
Five Kings: It was easy. He ran away and fell in a tar pit.
Lot: You mean he died?
Five Kings: No but he’ll be scrubbing up for the rest of his life. Now get your stuff we’re taking you and all your possession with us.
Lot: Where?
Five Kings: What difference does it make, you wouldn’t be able to pronounce it anyway.
Lot: Good point.
When Abram heard that his nephew had been captured by five kings with unpronounceable names, he would have cursed them, but he had kind of a speech impediment to begin with, and he just didn’t have the time nor the inclination.
He did however call together all the 318 fighting men of his camp:
Abram: Fighting men! Come hither! Let’s see . . . one . . two . . . three . . . four . . . five . . . six . . . seven . . . eight . . . nine . . .
Random Fighting Man: Whatcha doin’ Abram?
Abram: Six . . . seven . . .wait no! Nine . . .
Another Random Fight man: Abram? What are you doing?
Abram: Seven . . . dammit! I’m counting, idiots!
Yet another Random Fighting Man: Can’t you sleep?
Abram and 318 give or take 12,000 (they just wouldn’t hold still) Fighting Men went to defeat the Kings that captured his nephew Lot.
Abram and his fighting men pursued the five kings all the way to Dan. (Who was asleep by the side of the road).
Then Abram divided his men into groups by estimating how many men would be in each group:
Random Fighting man: Excuse me, Abram?
Abram: What?
Random Fight Man: Uh, I think you’ve divided us unevenly into fighting groups. Aren’t you going to count us?
Abram: Oh shut up and fight.
Not only did Abram and his 318 (but whose counting) fighting men defeat the five kings with unpronounceable names, they had chased them as far as Hobah, north of Damascus, when all 318 of them got a mighty hankering:
Random Fighting Man: Gosh I could sure go for some goat hotcakes right now.
Another Random Fight Man: Me two!
Yet Another Random Fighting Man: Me three!
Abram: I’m killing the next guy that counts.
Then Abram brought back his nephew, Lot, all of Lot’s possessions, including Lot’s goat-hotcake-batter recipe, all of Lot’s animals, and even all of Lots cooking utensils right down to the spatulas and the women.
Then everybody drowned their sorrows in plenty of goat hotcakes, smothered in goat syrup with plenty of ox butter and a good time was being had by all!
And there you have it, Dear Readers! What Gregory learned in Sunday School today. Be sure to check back next week to see what happens next!
Until next time . . . I love you
Based loosely on Genesis 14:1-16
Linda Vernon Humor 
318..319..wait..325..*Takes a bite out of his goat hotcake* 327..wait..oh dangit stop moving you lot! *Waves his fists* !!
Okay that’s it — no more hotcakes for anybody — except Abram . . .
Neup he took more than two! >:P
Is > Abram’s hair? Because if it is I really really like it!
The way you see things, I worry lol 😛
And you are a wise man to worry, Andy! 😀
You teach me well Linda 😉
Ah! Well Andy you are an excellent student! 😀
*Takes a bow* 😉
*standing ovation* 😀
I’ve gotta say, given Sodom’s scandalous reputation eating goats is probably the most G-rated use for the livestock.
Great post!
LOL! Yes this is the wholesome version, Brantley. I had something about how they don’t know their donkeys from a hole in the ground . . . but I decided against it . . . I didn’t want to lose that G rating! 😀
Oops. Just noticed this. I don’t know what country I lived in in my previous life. But whatever one it was, they read from the bottom of the page and go up. Usually, the same thing with a magazine while waiting at the doctor’s office. Well, perhaps my comment below is a very mild PG.
Perfect! What this blog needs is more very mild PG! So thank you for that!
I’ll take four goat hotcakes to go…
Comin’ right up! Would you like a side of goat bladders with that?
Ummm…no
Spleen sliders?
notta
Cloven hoof wraps?
Still not feelin the love..
Hot and spicy goat-ffalo wings?
Now we’re getting somewhere!
Great! How about a nice pomegranate-locust iced tea with that?
Remove the locust and we’re good to go!
Okay I’ll just put it on the side of the glass instead of a lemon. (And your goat-fallo is almost ready. So don’t eat anything, you’ll ruin your appetite.)
goat what?
LOL! I think I lost tract of what we were talking about 3 comments ago.
Good, I wasn’t that hungry anyway even if I were starving 😉
Ahaha! Well then you’re probably not going to want the pepperoni goat -lip pizza I just ordered for you — just don’t answer the door when he knocks.
I so won’t!
Are you sure? I order 17 for you. The guy should be there momentarily . . .
I’m suddenly not home…
Love and hugs!!
Love and hugs to you too Pink!!!
Did you make up those names or pilfer them from an old episode of Star Trek? You can’t fool me much. This reads like a Monty Python skit. Which is a good thing.
Oh how I love those old episodes of Star Trek. We had a cat named Crewman Green once and a poodle named Landru. Oh and thank you for that wonderful compliment, Mark!!
I’m sooooo team “Emim in the plain of Kirithaiaim” and am wearing my T-shirt that reads “Team Emim in the plain of Kirithaiaim”
Ahahahahaha HA! That makes me want to sell those t-shirts on my blog.
Oh the ‘roll of chickens would be so much easier to make change with’…. Where does your mind go to dig up these things Linda….. Tell me so I might spice up my posts a bit … ha! I don’t think I could ever ever think up things like you do … Diane
Diane – I did hear that Linda has to move town a lot. Some of us were thinking of starting a fighting fund to have her not just registered with the Library of Congress but also having her locked inside it between 6pm and 6am. Are you in?
I think most definitely… ha! but it would be cruel and unusual punishment to not let her have her computer or at the very least a pen and pencil and paper while she’s locked up Diane
Agreed! Time to put it to the committee…
Hey listen here buster, try that and I’m taking back Abram’s Goat Syrup Recipe!
You’d have your own shelf and ISBN number. Proper job. Statue outside your high school, etc.
*sigh*.
I am reminded of the fact that George Orwell had to be persistently nagged to complete ‘1984’ which he regarded as a pile of rubbish, worthless to both literature and his name.
I find that fact about George Orwell absolutely fascinating. Had to be persuaded to finish it. Imagine that! Well, that gives me hope for the book I’m writing that I’m not liking very well. It’s called 1985.
Plot: “A drop-out teenage anti-hero and his bible-class disciples have to hide from dark forces inside a Pottery Barn warehouse after he invents an app that warns people whenever a new vampire film script is about to be foisted upon 11-16yr reading age group”
LOL! Okay I had to laugh out loud at “and his bible class disciples” — if ever a plot could be real life — that’s the one I would pick to jump into.
Ah! Thanks Diane! I really have to give all the credit to Peanuts. I’m just going along for the ride. (I think Peanuts has always been a little intimidated about making change). I think you’re brain, Pickles is pretty darn good too when it comes to thinking outside the jar! 😀
love it… ‘outside the jar’… Diane
:D!!
Linda – with a jar of organic honey costing approximately $10 here in the Thames Valley, I was wondering if you would be good enough to pass me on the ‘method traditionelle’ for your Goat Syrup? Already have goat and bag of sugar. Willing to stir.
Well if you’re willing to stir . . .
Abram’s Goat Syrup
4 first born goats
1 bag fig sugar
3 tablespoons goat extract
17 figs
1– 8 oz. bag of locusts
1 jar of Thames Valley Honey (or generic equivalent)
1 apple with a one bite out of it (by someone named Eve for best results)
In juicer juice: 4 small goats, strain off fur
Bring goat juice, sugar, goat extract to a rolling boil.
Eat 8 oz. bag of locusts while waiting for boil to roll.
Boil mixture as long as it takes to read Leviticus (or skim Nehemiah)
Stir for 40 days and nights
Serves 7 — Poisons 3
Oh. It reduces rather a lot, doesn’t it? I think I might stick to squeezing wasps by hand into oiled Enforcement notices from Environmental Health Dept.
Okay, but watch out for carpal tunnel syndrome.
It’s good to know that biblical living has been preserved in the ever popular chicken n waffles, obviously a direct descendant of (begatted by?) goat hotcakes.
Yes! I do believe Chicken n waffles are begatted of goat hotcakes. Which would explain why they are so holey!
Ha! I’d have gone with “divine”.
Well played!
Poor naive Gregory.
Enter stage left: Two Sodomite soldiers.
Soldier One: “Gosh I could sure go for some goat hotcakes right now.”
Soldier Two: “Yeah, ‘hotcakes’.” Wink wink.
Enter stage right: Angry angel
AA, “What are you two Sodomites discussing?”
Soldiers in unison, “Hotcakes.”
AA, “Okay. Cool.”
LOL!! Actually I think in it’s original context, sodomite simply meant a soldier who loves goat hotcakes.
🙂
🙂
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